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anonymous Anonymous

Q & A

Troubled!!! I am almost 41.  I feel as if I am losing myself.  I am that turning point in my life where I want more, and am not happy where I am.  I live in a small rural town in Northern Minnesota. I work at a dead end job. I am married to a man whom I love, but am not in love with. He get’s me in some senses, but he doesn’t GET ME!!!  I want to run away and find myself. I don’t know what to do. I have lived here the majority of my life.  My husband, all of his.  He will never leave. The only thing I love about here, is it would be great place to visit.  Help me, any advice???

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Don’t we all feel your pain or have at some time or another.  First things first....listen to that small inner voice and what it is trying to tell you.  From your note, it sounds as if you have just become stagnated with life, and you require a major tune up my friend.

Marriages, work, family life and all relationships can beat us all down, but they are not supposed to keep us down.  You have to now start focusing on and honing in on YOU!  Walk up to that Lion and ROAR in its face.

See...in this equation, YOU are all that matters right now because if you fall apart, anything that depends on you will fall apart as well.

I DARE you to learn the gift of saying NO.  I DARE you to stop being it all for everyone.  I DARE you to pay attention to the small things in life and see the big things within them.  I DARE you to smile, smile, smile even when you want to cry.  

Take some time for you!  Exercise, get an activity, sing like there is no tomorrow, keep telling yourself that you are worth it, find a girlfriend, take a class, take long baths, and make sure your thoughts, words and actions are with loving-kindness.  What you speak, think and how you act has a boomerang effect.  So keep it real and keep it positive.

...and know that you are normal, and that you WILL get through this.  Keep your head up and Dare to DO YOU!


View All Answers

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Ms-kay wrote Oct 20, 2008
    • Welcome to the club!! Most of us, at one point or another, take a moment to evaluate our lives and the paths that we have chosen to take.

      Only you know the answer to this question - are you the person you intended to be and are you living the life you want? If not then it’s time to make a change.  

      The simple phrase "turning" means you can turn into anything you want to be. You can turn “TO” anything that you want to. It also means you can turn on your passion, turn on your greatness, turn the page, turn the corner and move on!  

      You are halfway through life, but you still have the second half. No matter where you are in your life, there are no rules where you should be.  

      Do something that you have never done in your life!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Oct 21, 2008
    • **That is a tough place to be..I am going to be 50 next month and some days I feel it and other days I refuse to feel it..This to shall pass.. Like Teeky said be good to you..I have a spa day at home. Jerry does his E-Bay store and I go in the bathroom light the candles..Have a little drink, put on some sexy low jazz..And run a hot tub of water with whatever sent oil I am in the mood for..I do my manicure while I am in the tub and my pedicure also..Just treat yourself good..You deserve it girl..Like the others said go away for a weekend with a friend..Stay at a hotel with a spa and a pool..Enjoy Life...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tjay wrote Oct 23, 2008
    • Thanks to all of you for your answers to my question(I don’t know why I went anonymous).  I am working on honing in things for myself.  I am reading a book called “The Answer”  by John Asaraff. It is the answer to “The Secret“.  I know my visions for my future.  I know I need to get up and move foreward.  I will dig deep and see where my future lies.  I need to fix me before I make a major decision on my relationship. I am not going to sulk around and worry and wonder.  I know that gets me nowhere. I have a good idea as to where it is leading me. It just scares the crap out of me having a good idea what needs to happen. I have been married for 11 years and been with him for almost 18. I have always needed someone in my life.  Now I know that the only person I need to rely on is me. My only problem is I get paralized about the decisions I need to make.  Expecially in these tough economic times.  Not knowing if I can make it on my own at this moment.  Thank you again for all the advice.  I appreciate it.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Stellababette wrote Nov 21, 2008
    • Oh, I can so, so, so relate.
      Here’s what I did.  (I’m not saying you should do the same thing, but this has worked for me.)

      1.  I quit my job  (All hell broke loose when I did and may I just say in my own little passive-aggressive way, that felt SO good!)
      2. I started going to a shrink (Possibly one of the best things I’ve done for myself)
      3. I am doing some real soul-searching (Both with the shrink and on my own)
      4. I am reaching out (Mostly to women but men, too. I’m calling/writing to everyone I know who is in a position to give me advice.)
      5. I am taking risks (Whoa! This is huge for me.)
      6.  I m really letting myself take the time I need to figure this whole “thing” out.  Don’t quite know where that’s leading and certainly there are good days and bad days but I will NEVER go back into a job I hate again.

      Good luck, sweetheart.  There are more people like you out there than you’ll ever know!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Stellababette wrote Nov 21, 2008
    • One more thing.  

      Whenever I need to pick myself up, I sing that ditty to myself.....I forget who sang it......it was popular when I was in high school.......

      (change “Ricky” to your name)

      “Oh, Stella, you‘re so fine, you‘re so fine you blow my mind, hey Stalla, hey hey, hey Stella.  Woo!”

      I swear to god—it works wonders on me.  It just picks me up.

      So, here’s to you, girlfriend.  Can we all stand and sing together,

      “Oh, tjay, you‘re so fine, you‘re so fine you blow our minds, hey tjay, hey hey, hey tjay.  Woo!”




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lillin3 wrote Dec 13, 2008
    • I know exactly what your saying. I live in a small town in western Maine. I hope we can chat some time.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tjay wrote Dec 13, 2008
    • Thanks all for your advice.  I am still trying to figure it all out.  I have had some health issues going on, and I am trying to get that squared away.  With economy as it is, I am even more afraid of making any major decisions.  I know what I need to do.  I believed when I said, “I DO” I meant for life.  But, deep down, I knew better.  When I walked down the that road, I was pregnant. I already had 2 children from a previous relationship. He treated them as his own.  But, as I was taking that walk, I cried.  Not from tears of joy, but, tears of knowing it wasn’t really what I wanted.  I loved him when I married him. It wasn’t that.  But, I was a mother of 2 already and didn’t want to raise another on my own.  I was not stable at that time in my life.I had already been dating him for 7 years. Back then I didn’t want to be alone anymore.  NOW I know I do not need a man in my life to make me whole.   The sad thing is he has done everything for me.  I put us in financial debt because that evil credit card was my addiction.  So, I feel guilty wanting to leave him.      The other day, he was going on and on about deer (he is an avid outdoorsman).  I didn’t hear a word he said.  It was blah, blah blah.  I love to sculpt.  I hadn’t done it in awhile and picked my tools back up and made something. This is my release.  I was so excited when it was finished.  When I showed him, he just shrugged.  I asked him if he liked it.  He just said, you keep making things and turn around and sell it for nothing months later.  I need out.  I am just afraid to make that leap.  Expecially like I said, economy.  And our 11 1/2 year old daughter.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Teresa wrote Dec 31, 2008
    • tjay, it is ok to want more out of your life...do something for your self...go for walks, join a gym, something that will get you out there and meet new people and new opportunities. We all have our reasons for staying or not staying with our spouses, if it serves a good purpose to stay with him for now, don’t beat yourself down about it. There is a reason for everything. Most of all make yourself a priority and don’t feel guilty about it! You won’t be of much use to those around you if you are not much use to yourself!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lillin3 wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • hey tjay I am in a similar situation. I have been married for almost 37 years. I love my husband and I don’t want anything to happen to him but I’m not so sure that I am in love with him. I could never leave. My kids, who are 32 and 34 would be,well to be honest I don’t know how they would be. It would be hard.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tjay wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • i am on a new quest for the year 2009.  Thank You Teresa for your advice.  lillin3 I think we need to put ourselves first. I plan on making ME a priority.  I know my children would more than understand if I do what is best for us all.  They see that mom isn’t happy and it affects them.  I am making goals not resolutions this year and I am going to focus on what I NEED!! and how to make ME happy.  I have tried the whole lists of what I love and what I hate about my husband.  I have tried to focus on only the things I love about him.  It worked well for a year.  But I stopped making me a priority.  What do I want out of life?  What do I need?  What makes me happy?  What can I do to better this world I live in?  I realize I am not doing my husband any justice by being with him when I cannot give my whole self.  I have decided I will not make any decisions about our relationship until I make myself the best I can be in life, and do what I need.  Then, if I am still not happy in the marriage, which after being with him for almost 18 years, I know, I will be a stronger woman in my decision, and I will be capable of being on my own.  I think, lillin, you need to do the same thing.  Put yourself first. Your kids are adults.  We never give our children credit.  Find out what you need and want in life. If you are deciding to stay with your husband, wether it is for ever, or for now, do what I did.  Try making a list.  On one side write all those things you do love about him.  On the other side, the things you dislike.  FOCUS HARD on those things you do love.  Even if it is only 2 or 3 things.  Forget the things you dislike.  IT helps alot.  That is how I manage.  Set yourself some goals of WHAT DO YOU WANT out of life. And focus on you.  I have learned that we get stuck in our comfort zones(which are really uncomfortable) and it is hard to move out to the unknown.  But I realize I have a whole life ahead of me and I am making it my goal to live the best life I can.  I am getting out of my rutt I have been stuck in.  I am the only one who can make me happy and it is not fair to my husband or my children and expecially myself just getting by and not living up to MY EXPECTATIONS!  What kind of example our we giving our children if we do not go for the best of what we can be.  How can I give if I am not doing for ME?! How can I love if I am not giving myself any self love. I am doing alot of soul searching.  I am going to dig deep and find ME!!!  I think that is what we must do!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tish08 wrote Mar 22, 2009
    • Whatever you do don’t come to California. I have lived here all my life and I’d take your lifestyle over mine in a hearbeat. Believe me, its all a matter of experience. Humans always want to try something new but in the end we will long for the familiar and comfortable. You and your husband need a little spice. spice it up.




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