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Q & A

How old were you when you lost your virginity? Do you wish you waited longer?

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Oct 20, 2008
    • I was 16 also and I really wished I’d waited. It wasn’t even worth remembering the details.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheryl Sharpton wrote Oct 20, 2008
    • I was 18 but I still wish I had waited.  My boyfriend told me I was too good to be a virgin.  What the heck does that mean.  I guess I should have cried and yelled my head off instead of enjoying it.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Oct 20, 2008
    • lol...teeky...I almost forgot who my first was....oooops




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Oct 20, 2008
    • Who knows where my first is....Hey who was my first????...lol...maybe if I’d remember...I might know where he is...lolololol




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Oct 20, 2008
    • well, i was 16, and can not remember who it was! lol i just wished i would have waited.. can’t even remember anything of it! lol i must have been stoned! yes ladies.. i live a sheltered life! LOL

      Cherokeeboie, thats great that you made it! i mean that sincerely.. and laughing at your comment! lol




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Inakika wrote Oct 20, 2008
    • Okay, 15 is my magic number, I lost my virginity at that  age. It was so damn painful, I could not continue. I think it was because he was the wrong guy. A few months later, I met my first love Ricky and it was a beautiful thing. We were together off and on for a few years until I eventually met the man who would be my husband.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Almostfive0 wrote Oct 20, 2008
    • I was 17...and even though it was with the man who is now my husband I still wished I had waited...lol and I’m going to leave it at that!...lol




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindylouwho1966 wrote Oct 20, 2008
    • Why was it, in our day, that they made fun of you if you were a virgin, then called you a slut if you weren’t? Like the movie “Little Darlings,” remember?  

      I was 15, and YES I wish I’d waited. I was convinced I needed experience so that when “Mr. Right” did come along, I’d know what to do. So I hooked up with some dude I knew at a party. Luckily, he had the sense to use a condom. But when he started it hurt soooo bad, I asked him to stop—to which he replied, “Let me just pop your cherry.” What a gent.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Coachmombabe wrote Oct 20, 2008
    • 16, and yes, I too wish I had waited. But that was sooo long ago, it’s like remembering an old movie! Not a very good one, either!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Feathermaye wrote Oct 20, 2008
    • I was a week shy of turning 17, and had vowed at the beginning of that summer to lose it before my birthday. When it was over I was all “well, so much for that“. If I had it to do over again, I’d wait.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Oct 20, 2008
    • Some people don’t have a choice as to when they‘re going to lose their virginity...like my daughter...I recently found out that she was gang raped when she was 13...And of course the shame and blame followed...She accepted a ride to school one evening because she had a band concert and my ex husband didn’t show up to take her/us. There were 3 guys at the boys house and she said hindsight she knew she shouldn’t have stepped foot in the house, but she did. When it was over, they kicked her out of the house and she never told...until about a month ago...She’s 20 now...She feels that all men are scum...will not ever get involved with a man...and yes..a part of me blames what happened to her...How could someone take that choice away from someone like that?




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Oct 20, 2008
    • Thanks empower....this and my own experience makes my heart very heavy...My child is not the child that I raised, so not the child I tried to teach self-esteem and empowerment to..That was taken away from her and now she’s out here floundering...That’s how it all came out...Quitting job after job...not going to college...her harshness and disrespect...Not taking pride in herself...it all came out and hit me like a ton of bricks...I’ve told her time and time again that she needs to go and get some help...like I did...but I know it’s out of my hands and in God’s hands and hers...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Merlot63 wrote Oct 21, 2008
    • I was 18.  It was with a guy I was dating for 4 months. Before having sex for the first time we visited a Planned Parenthood clinic together and I went on the pill.  I was so responsible then...  I’m not sorry for not waiting longer.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Oct 21, 2008
    • **Soulful40..I am so sorry to hear  about your daughter..My heart goes out to you both.I didn’t get that choice either..I was betrayed by a girl whom I grew up with..Our families were friends forever..Her mom and mine had known one another since age 16...So her parents were like my second parents..I have not been able to share this with too many people..My boyfriend and my son and my daughter...I didn't tell my Mother till I was 40yrs old...Here it goes..Please don't judge me...kk..A little background, This girl like I said we grew up together..I went on vacation with them and we slept at each other's houses..Played together every day...Growing up our families always lived on the same block.. Without going into a lot of detail my parents were alcoholics and so was her parents..Every weekend it was party from Fri to Sun..They would get drunk and fight not with each other it was husband on wife fighting..My therapist told me once that at age 8... I was the adult in our home...I continued this roll till I left home just before my 16 birthday..Well this happened when I was 15..I had hardly started to bloom..I was a bit late in that department and was teased about it incisively..My friend was 2 1/2 yrs older than me..She was dating a guy whom her parents disapproved of..But she would sneak around and see him..One afternoon she calls me crying and begging me to go with her to see this boyfriend. He and his brothers and a cousin worked for the race track..And they were leaving to go someplace else..My parents told me they would kick my ass if I went around them..She sounded so upset and she was like a sister to me..So I said yes..I was very naive, I didn't know very much about sex..I was still a virgin and had just started my period that year..They came and picked us up and we were driving around for a bit..I sat there trying to be invisible..I didn't like them...Then they pulled into a ratty motel and we got out..Once inside and after the hi's and what's up, The oldest of them 23 told me I had 30 seconds to strip..I thought it was a joke..But when the others blocked the door and forced my clothes off..I knew it was a set up..She and her boyfriend sat there and watched the others take turns raping me, there ages were 18, 19, 21...When they were finished..I was taken about 3 blocks from home and dumped off... I never told anyone..My parents would not have believed me and I would have gotten in trouble for being there..I kept it to myself till I went to therapy in 1985...She told me to share what had happened it would help the healing process..And it would help others who have had similar acts done to them..I hope I have not offended anyone..So you see I really never have been able to be close to a female... That one day would set the tone for the rest of my life..Had I been able to get help or had someone that would have cared..Maybe I would have had a better life and made better choices..But even now years later..I still feel sad that someone felt I deserved to be humiliated and hurt...Someone I considered to be my sister..




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Almostfive0 wrote Oct 21, 2008
    • Kat...you have no reason to fear that you will be judged here or anywhere else. Why do we do this to ourselves? We (myself included)...tend to let what someone else has done to us or what they think about us make us feel that we are somehow responsible for it.
      Girl speak your truth!, it makes you strong and may even inspire someone else to speak thiers.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Oct 21, 2008
    • **BIG ((((HUGS)) Thanks Annie...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Oct 21, 2008
    • **Almostfive0..That's just what my therapist told me..She said that talking about it with women would be the best therapy..Most females will pull together to give another weaker one strength..And Yes those who may be struggling with the same issue, may feel comfortable with sharing her story..




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheryl Guy wrote Oct 21, 2008
    • kataramoon...I hope her guilt ripped her apart!  

      I was 16...in love...thought i was gonna marry him some day... (you know the scenario). I have to say though that I don’t regret it. It felt right at the time because he let me decide when I was ready. I remember the first time I told him I wanted to do it and he refused because we had a couple drinks (his parents were gone for the weekend) and he said he did not want me to regret it later. How many boys would have cared if I was sober or not?!?!?




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Oct 21, 2008
    • **Luvin40 Sounds like you have a great guy..Most guys hope to get you drunk and take advantage of a girl..What a sweet way to remember your special night...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rene' Grandon wrote Oct 21, 2008
    • You guys are going think I am so old fashioned. I was a virgin when I got married.
      My first time was with my husband and it was after we had eloped. I was 18 and he was 19. First time wasn’t magical really,but it was sweet and he really cared about how I was doing during. After that it got alot better.

      Kataramoon,
      I am so sorry you were put thru that! My new daughter-in-law,very new,was actually raped by her step father for 10 years. My son was the one who got her to tell him and he called the police,and even confronted him. They are waiting for a court date. If you can share any advice on how I can help her,that would be great. Her own mother blames her and my son for destroying her life and taking away her husband.
      Very sad, she is not a mother in my eyes,and has never attempted to meet my husband and I. i am proud of my son for being a Knight in shinning armor,and resucing her!

      Sending hugs your WAY!

      Bella




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Oct 21, 2008
    • Thank You Bella..Best advice is therapy...I just kept it inside me all those years..I was 25 when I told someone for the first time...I would also suggest she get a female therapist..I had to talk to a male one once and I felt like I could not talk about very personal sexual feelings with him...I am sorry for her and your son..You as well..It is hard to get through but once you do..You can move on..I blamed myself for years..but I know who is to blame now and I feel more free than I had in years..




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rene' Grandon wrote Oct 21, 2008
    • Thanks Kataramoon,
      I will try talking to her soon,I really appreciate the advice. I am so glad you have freedom from your prison of blame and pain! Take care of U!

      Thanks,
      Bella




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Oct 21, 2008
    • Hey Kataramoon,

      All I can say is wow..wow...wow...I’m hurting for you. To be betrayed by someone you regarded as closer than a friend, but a sister?...Karma...that’s all I can say...What comes around WILL go around, best believe that...

      In regards to my daughter, she knows she is loved very much inspite of our problems...She knows...She’s my firstborn and I’d give anything to take her pain away...But as I told her the longer she sits and does nothing (as far as therapy), her attackers wins, they may not know it, but she’ll know and she’ll continue to stay stuck. My family thought that it was better for me to forget what happened to me because I knew the person and because my daughter witnessed it they thought not bringing it up would somehow ‘Protect’ her...So I lived with it and was not able to fully enjoy sex (Oh my things have changed now). But I eventually got help, read books and forgave, for me, not the man. I took courses in Sex and drug therapists so that one day I could help others, but I’m too close to my daughters situation to be of help to her, she needs an outside person and I encourage, not push, just encourage her to get some help so she can heal.

      Teeky as far as her perception of men go, she’s formed her own opinion and not even my relationship with John will change that for her...She has no interest (or use) for men, she says and all I can do about that situation is give it all to God. She knows the blood of Jesus is on her, she’s been saved and baptized, God will turn her around. I leave it all to Him.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Oct 21, 2008
    • Kat,

      I forgot to say...I am sorry for what you went thru but I’m glad you trusted US all to share your experience with...You are a brave and courageous woman for doing that...You should be proud...That’s a positive step for you and I hug you for that...(((hug)))




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Oct 21, 2008
    • **Soulful...I know what your daughter is feeling..I had to deal with it all by myself..So many times I would look at my Mom or Dad and wanted to tell them and have them hold me..But I knew better..I didn't date till I was 18..I had friends who were guys but I could not stand to be flirted with or touched..And for a long time even though no one knew but me I felt like everyone knew and I felt like the boys just thought I was easy..Of course it was all in my head...I was a loner for a long time..I trusted no one..I hated myself and did not care about anything..I quit school at 16...and I left home and lived all over the place..With different friends..Till their parents would kick me out...I never finished school..I got my GED after my son was born..I never went to the prom or Senior trip..I had my son when I was 25.. And I went to get therapy then because I was worried I would not be a good mother..It was the first time I told anyone about it..I never cried so much in my life..And I felt like I was washing away the pain..Let her know that talking to a therapist may seem dumb..But it is a cleansing... Tell her I know how she feels..Let her read what I wrote if you like..Just copy and paste it...if you don't want here to read all the other stuff..God be with you both..BIG ((((HUGS))))




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Oct 22, 2008
    • **Daphne..I raised 3 daughters also and I used to feel like I couldn't breathe when they went out with a group of their friends..I used to think there was safety in numbers..But I know that's not so any more...Did you ever have to go through therapy? You're a very strong lady. I have forgiven and I let go of the hurt a long time ago..It's not easy to do...but we move on...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tjay wrote Oct 23, 2008
    • I was 17.  I gave it to a man who my parents forbid me to date.  In the next 3 years I was was with him, I had 2 incredibly beautiful children. I am no longer with him, thank God.  I confess it was one thing my parents where right about in my life.  But I don’t regret my kids.  Just wish I would have waited.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Oct 27, 2008
    • Kat...thanks for your concern regarding my daughter...Wow..I feel your concern for her thru your words...that’s comforting...I’ve come to accept that Ash will get the help when God leads her to do it...If I push it might do more harm than good...All I do now is make myself available to her as best I can so that if/when she needs me...she can come to me..even if it just for a hug..

      (((hugs)) back to ya!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      AnneMarie Kimberling wrote Oct 31, 2008
    • Well ladies... I was 31 before I lost my virginity... and I still wish I would have waited...  He was my drummer on the worship team - yes, the shame is stilll there... and he totally used me and I let him...  Last I heard he was in California somewhere... but...  I’m still waiting for to actually have a man “make love” to me, rather than “have sex with me“...  And the the way things are in my current relationship - I don’t know if it’s going to happen.  I’m completely in love with this man, and he’s not sure what he wants... Right now, my motto is: “Boys are stupid“...  But - I waited until I was 31.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      AnneMarie Kimberling wrote Oct 31, 2008
    • Thanks, Empower...  I just wish it would have been the right person...  someday my prince will come - maybe...  LOL!!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kelly Baker wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • Ladies, I am brand new to this website and I have to say that when I saw this post, I knew I was in the right place. Soulful40, Dataramoon & Daphne – my heart goes out to you for what you have had to endure.  

      I too was one who had no choice, but mine started much earlier. I am the youngest of seven and my only sister was already off and married by the time I was born. My youngest brother is four years older than me. My mom was the typical 60's/70's mom – domestic and didn't speak up very much – I learned what a period was when I asked my mom why I was bleeding.

      When I was 7, my teenage boy babysitter would lock my brother downstairs and take me in my room and molest me.  Being that young I didn't know any better and it's hard for me to say this, I kind of enjoyed it – the fact that I was being paid attention to by an older boy. So there I was, with only older men in my life as role models, a sister who had her own family and my mom who had no idea what was going on with me. When I was 9, I was raped by one of my brother's friends – I didn't know I was being raped; it was never a topic that had been discussed during those times. From that point on, my thoughts about boys went like this: if I have sex with them, they will like me more. Looking back now, this thought makes me cry.  

      My teenage years were spent partying with my brother's friends and you can guess where that led, there were times when I was forced to have sex with them and other times when I enjoyed it – it was all I knew. As my 20's approached, I started being the girl who thought she could "fix" a guy. My relationships would all start out the same way, we would have sex within the first 24 hours of meeting and the relationship would last no more that 1 ½ years. This went on until I was 29, when I met my 1st husband – yes we had sex the first night too, but we lasted longer than 1 ½ years and I figured that was a "sign" that he was the one.  

      In my 30's I told both my mom and dad (they were divorced) about what happened to me. My mom was sick to her stomach and embraced me and my dad blamed it on my mom – funny. . .he left us when I was 14, yet it was her fault that I didn't have a positive male role model?? And then he called me "vitriolic" (I had to look it up – it means filled with or expressing extreme bitterness and hatred toward somebody or something) so as you can image, I didn't have a close relationship with him.

      After getting married and pregnant, I met a man (my current husband) who, for the first time in my life, taught me about RESPECT. I realized that my first husband, as well as every other man who was part of my life, never respected me.  

      Now this was my "Ah Ha" moment of my life. . . You Don't Know What You Don't Know . I didn't know what respect was, because I had never been taught it or experienced it, especially from the men in my life (all the way down to my dad – as I grew older, I could see that he never respected a woman in his life.) Here I was living my life trying to be validated by people because of my sexuality; obviously I had very low self-esteem.  

      3 years ago, when my oldest daughter turned 7, it hit me like a Mack truck. It made me sick to my stomach thinking that someone that innocent (me at 7) could have something that horrible done to them. I have since been very open with my girls about their bodies and how no one has a right to touch them, etc. Of course I haven't shared my story with them, but I am a lot more open with them than my mom was with me.

      So, I had lived 31 years of my life clueless of the fact that I deserved to be respected . I am now 41 and am still working through this realization. There are times when I start to fall back into the thought process that I need to be desired by other men. When these time rear their ugly head; I have to stop, take a deep breath and remember who I am now – a person who requires respect. I have talked with a couple of past boyfriends over the last couple of years and it is so clear to me now that they still have total disrespect for me.

      I don't blame anyone, including myself, for what I have gone through, I look at it through the eyes of; it has made me the person I am today and all I can do is learn and grow from the experiences and teach my children from my mistakes.

      Thank you for the therapy session! Sorry it's so long - it really does help to put it out there to the world and hopefully my story will help others who don't know where to turn.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • Wow-such openness and truth going on here. Another reason why I love this site.

      I was 16 and, like many others, wish it had been with the “right” guy. On this particular night, I was with my girlfriend who had a crush on this guy. We were at his parents house, drinking. The subject of sex came up and my friend and I had mentioned that we were both virgins. One, two, six, he is having sex with both us. I can’t remember if he was a virgin. Hell, I can’t remember most of the details of that night. On the list of most regrettable moments, this places in the top two.




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