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anonymous Anonymous

Q & A

I have a low self esteem and when asked what your Sex appeal is in the Q & A by Shopgirl I have to say it is 0.  My husband and I have not been intimate or sexually active for 4 years he tells me he loves me but I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to be sexually active with me.  I enjoy sex and this has been very difficult for me.  I have zero self esteem to begin with and it is twice as bad now.  This all ended because 4 1/2 years ago he was injured in a auto accident and I don’t know if his injuries (they are life long) caused this or if he lost interest in me, we go to counseling and we have discussed this along with her giving suggestions but he just doesn’t seem interested.  How would you handle this?

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Richardson wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Hello, I am so sorry to hear of your husband’s misfortune in the accident as well as the issues you‘re having in your sex life. You must first begin to look at you and try to find what makes you happy. Are you happy with yourself the way you look, the way you dress, your own wellbeing? If not you need to begin to work at it ASAP to feel good about you. We can’t change another person, but we can change who we are and our circumstances. Don’t beat yourself up believing you have no selfworth or continue thinking you have no self esteem. Begin by treating yourself to a spa day or a spa treatment (ex: nails, facial treatment,etc...)do something that you like to help lift your spirits if you‘re into coloring your hair go for a new and maybe lighter shade, spruce up your wardrobe its Spring and we girl’s all can use a new handbag and shoes to boot lol. But whatever you do you need to begin with you. If you are both in therapy for this are you both being honest with the therapist and are you following her adcvice working towards making things better in the bedroom? If hubby is not willing have you asked him if its ok to bring toys into play if you‘re both in agreeance with that to try something different? I just hope all works out for the best for you both.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Holly Beck wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • You mentioned that you are in therapy, but it sounds like it is not helping you. You might need to switch to a different therapist - some are better than others, and some can relate to YOUR situation better than others.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tuliplady wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • First, you have to understand, it’s not your fault your husband is not interested in you.  You are a fantastic person and he is missing out.  If he’s not interested, it’s his problem and you shouldn’t be beating yourself up over it.

      My husband has health problems that have destroyed our sex life.  He is not even interested, though he’s still a very loving husband.  We haven’t really even slept in the same room for about five years now.  Just because he doesn’t want me doesn’t mean I’m not one hot woman!  

      Self esteem cannot be tied to some man’s desire (or lack of) for you.  Neicy gave you a bunch of awesome advice, get out there and do what she said.  You’ll feel a lot better.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • I like your suggestions, but I do have one problem and that is financially I am not able to do most of this.  I have a birthday coming so the money I get from my parents I will use it on ME!

      I do like our therapist, this finally came out in our last session, we started therapy due to family problems and this is just one of many we are working on.  We have a family therapist and I have my own so we are working on it.  

      My husband has excuses for not being intimate, that is why I feel he isn’t attracted to me.  He is permanently disabled because of his injuries and right now I am unemployed so we have time together but he basically has no interest in anything and it really bothers me that it is me and everything and anything else.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tuliplady wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • YOu have to understand what your husband is going thru too.  Being permanently disabled is a terrible blow to a man’s ego.  I imagine he is struggling with depression.  It affects how they view themselves as a man.  

      You say he has no interest in anything.  That’s typical for the situation.  You can’t take this personally.  Obviously he has some issues to work out.  

      And it takes no money what-so-ever to treat yourself well!!!!!  A hot bubble bath and doing your nails costs nothing.  Putting on your nicest outfit, “just because” costs nothing.  Spending a little extra time on your hair tomorrow doesn’t cost you a thing, but believe me it will make you feel good all day.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenni0811 wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • I understand how you feel. When the man you love is not interested in a physical relationship it can be very demoralizing and make it difficult for you to keep up your self esteem. We all like to feel loved and appreciated emotionally and physically. Perhaps your therapist or his physician would think some meds or alternate therapy might help him emotionally or physically. I would continue to seek medical help and keep smiling.....smiles and laughter help overcome the worst tragedies.  

      Stay on this site.......there’s always friends here...and usually something funny is going on estatic




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • My husband is 100% disable and is in depression.  We have different arise and retire schedules.  A lot of issues are in his mind and I just have to be patient.  All my heart goes to you and I understand what you are going through.  One day or one night at a time - if needed, a BOB (battery operated boyfriend) will fill part of the gap.  I do think it is your emotion emptiness that you are trying to fulfill.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Apr 30, 2009
    • When ANON:  From one ANON to another.....I don’t know ONE man alive that would turn down a good blow job...I’m sorry ....a blow job period.  Try it.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Apr 30, 2009
    • You know I posted this looking for support and it makes me sad seeing what was posted about a question on how many feel about posting Anonymous.  This is a very difficult time for me and I thought this would be a place people didn’t judge! I look at myself as being young with something missing in my life, thats ok I will be more reserved if that is what your looking for.  This is embarassing and don’t have anyone to talk to when my husband became disabled we lost many of our friends because they didn’t want to deal with him.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Holly Beck wrote May 1, 2009
    • I agree - can’t people just be supportive? I wouldn’t want to publish my name on this one, either.  

      You can send me a private message if you need to talk. I went through a similar difficult time - my husband wasn’t disabled, but we had grown apart and I felt unloved and unlovely. It was very hard!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Karen Rhyshek wrote May 21, 2009
    • men are visual, try a dirty moviehappy




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Gingers39 wrote Jun 12, 2009
    • I feel your pain, I really do, you know I can’t even say that, because my husband is not disabled.   The both of you have so much to deal with, not just as a couple, but each of you individualy.
      If he was perfectly healthy before the accident, I can’t imagine what it must be like for him to be paralized. Then for you to have had a strong healthy husband who enjoyed life, to one that has lost interest in everything. This must be difficult for you as well.
      It is good that you are seeing a therapist, but only if you feel that it is really working, is he being truly honest, are you?  Or you just kind of saying what you need to so that you don’t hurt each other even more?    That is the only way for the healing to truly begin.....All parties involved have to be completely honest or you are wasting your time and money.  No matter how much it is going to hurt the other person, you have to lay it out there.

      I know it’s been 4 years and you think “how much longer can I go on like this?”   I’ve only been dealing with it for a little over a year, I can’t even begin to imagine 4, but I have prayed heavily to God and have poured my heart and soul out to him.   How can someone that is supposed to love me and tell me that he loves me, not want to have any kind of sexual contact?   It doesn’t make any sense.
      I am sorry this is so long to read, but girl, you have to find something that makes you happy....concentrate on you...
      start wearing make up everyday..even if you aren’t going anywhere...where it anyways...
      He may be at the point where he continues to feel sorry for himself now and feels like he is no longer a man because he feel he may not be able to please you anymore...if that is the case, then you need to show him differently....bring a vibe into the bedroom and if he is able...let him use it on you while he whispers dirty sweet words into your ears..

      I don’t know if I have helped or just made you more upset...but I know you have to be really hurting right now.
      I will pray for you and your husband...




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