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anonymous Anonymous

Q & A

Would it seem odd to you (and maybe a little hurtful)if your husband of only 3 years spent the majority of his free time on facebook, mafia wars, etc. and....this is the big one.....sends different types of “hugs” to other beautiful women on a steady basis. (he doesn’t see this as flirting, but they are all obout our age, and lovely.

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I think it’s wrong because those are real women he’s interacting with, so it’s a form of cheating. If a man looks a a painting or sketch of a woman, so what - that isn’t an actual person. Even a photo or movie - he’s never going to meet that model or actress so it’s like she is just a fantasy (although that can become a problem, too, if it takes time away from you and takes precedence over his relationship with you.)

But to interact with women online, that’s wrong, because he’s giving of himself to them, even if just mentally or emotionally, when he should be giving and sharing that time and those things with you.


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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tuliplady wrote Jun 6, 2009
    • I think it’s very easy in any marriage for a spouse to give the “best” of themself to something other than their marriage.  It doesn’t matter whether it’s computer time, time spent at the bar, or immersing themself in their work.  

        I’m married to a man who does the work thing, they get the best of him six days a week and I get the worn out shell that’s left on Sunday.  Doesn’t help my attitude that he has quite a few pretty female co-workers.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Franky007 wrote Jun 6, 2009
    • Ask yourself this, if he acted this way with women in person and face to face would it still bother you? If so, deal with it the way you would in that situation. Facebook, Twitter etc are all social settings/gatherings not unlike a bar, a restaurant or a movie theater etc... and the etiquette s/b and is still the same. Hope this helps!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Deanna Whitten wrote Jun 6, 2009
    • What a question!!!! I just went through this with my husband.  He plays games on the pc, sometimes it bothers me but sometimes it doesnt. It bothers me when he starts letting it take over his life.
      Talking to women on there as friends no, but one he was becoming a little too comfy with and I had to nip it in the bud. I confronted her online and told her to layoff. If it ever happens again and I find out, its over!!!




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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Jun 6, 2009
    • Yes! I would be very uncomfortable with it. Since I am on FB I know what goes on there and you need to be careful on who you friend. My crazy sister is into mafia wars and has ‘met’ a lot of people thru that. In turn they have tried to friend me. At 1st I accepted a couple but now I don’t. I don’t play that game and only go to FB to stay in touch with my people.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindy Noel wrote Jun 6, 2009
    • It would bother me. Currently I have a situation where he has“friended” the woman he dated before he met me.  Now, I know he’s with me, but it doesn’t help.  They started “writing” to each other while he was still married to his wife of 27 years, and ended up divorcing.  It wasn’t a happy marriage, and I don’t begrudge him that.  What I don’t like is that she has already proven to not respect the “married” status, and now she comments on EVERYTHING, and I do mean, EVERYTHING. It bothers me, and he doesn’t want to “hurt her feelings“, but in the  meantime he is hurting mine. It’s an issue, but I’m not willing to give up the marriage because of it.  I do monitor the situation and if it gets worse, I may change my mind.  

      I think letting him know how you feel and why it bothers you is  important.  Then make up your mind what you are willing to put up with, and what you won’t.  Stand by that...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Deanna Whitten wrote Jun 6, 2009
    • Does he know that your leaving? What did he say?   I almost left mine in December because of this behavior.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Frannie1964 wrote Jun 6, 2009
    • My Husband doesn’t get on the computer at all. Hes more Into his games on playstation. I am the one whos on the computer and he knows I like chatting. He doesn’t complaine about me being online because he knows I don’t complaine about him playing his games all the time. I guess you can say we do our own thing and leave each other alone. I know some people might not understand that, but we understand one another. And If he wanted my attention or wanted to go out, he knows I would turn my computer off In a heart beat and spend time with him.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Deanna Whitten wrote Jun 6, 2009
    • I am glad you are standing up for what you want and need. Men have a tendency to realize that they lost the best things in their life when its over. Then its too late.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Jun 6, 2009
    • This is so very wrong! No matter what they say, it’s flirting with other women and it’s wrong. It seems like there’s an addiction going on.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Jun 6, 2009
    • Ann this must be very difficult for you at the moment but I think your doing the right thing before the months turn into years - How did you two date ......as it seems once he has “won the prize” ie you the chase was off to keep you




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenni0811 wrote Jun 6, 2009
    • I agree with it being wrong.

       Enjoying those mentioned sites to keep in touch with friends and family is one thing.  

      Befriending strangers and engaging in flirtatious interpersonal behavior crosses the line. In fact, people are often much bolder in cyber space than in real life...which can lead to some lines being crossed very easily.




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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Jun 6, 2009
    • Oh sorry to the lady who posted the question - easy take the dammed hug application of his facebook page - tell him a cyber hug could cost him a real life slap - he will remove it then ....... honestly men and computers !




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Deanna Whitten wrote Jun 6, 2009
    • Have you ever thought about becoming the other woman and playing the game with him and not letting him on who you really are?




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jjulie wrote Jun 6, 2009
    • To the original poster.... if it feels wrong or makes you uncomfortable, then that should be enough of an answer for him.  And I agree with you - it wouldn’t be okay in my marriage either - this sending hugs and befriending people of the opposite sex.

      To Ann - GOOD FOR YOU!!! :)
      What you‘re describing is completely out of control - and I’m not surprised you found yourself struggling with depression.  It’s a bold and difficult step you‘re taking and remember.... it takes a STRONG woman to not stay stuck, and move forward with action in this kind of scenario.

      Lots of us spend time on the computer and/or have spouses that spend time on internet/games, but there’s a big difference in what you‘re describing.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Sharonna wrote Jun 6, 2009
    • I love the “take the hugs” application off, idea... But he would need to come up with it, so he doesn’t feel like somebody MADE him...

      And to Ann:
      You are absolutely BEAUTIFUL, and there is absolutely no reason you should have to be in this type of “non relationship“.......I went through that in my first marriage for many years, and stayed because of our four children..Funny, but I shared so many of your sentiments. My statement was always “I am so tired of talking to the side of your face“......His “time gobbler” was the television, or a race car, depending on the season, sometimes BOTH.
      I, too admire you and think you are very brave and bold, and kudos to you for loving yourself enough to want better for the rest of your life.   Not everybody understands that it is a different type of lonely when you are with someone who just chooses to ignore you and your relationship.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Sharonna wrote Jun 6, 2009
    • Can I add another thing?? estatic   My husband and I go through this "computer every single free hour, thing."  One thing that helps me not feel totally defeated as a wife (although it is still breaking my heart)...is that he says he struggles with depression, and somehow it helps him sort of "Zone Out".............I try hard to remember that it is HIS problem, not mine ...but it's still hurtful......As women, we are naturally better at relationships (so the experts say), and it makes us feel good to spend time with our friends, children, sign. other, etc.........But seems like one counselor years back explained that they have to work a little harder at the intimacy/closeness thing.....  So when they are tired after work, or just depressed. They turn to something they SUCCEED AT very easily... Like online poker, or Mafia Wars,  or attracting pretty ladies who send them cutsie "hugs" and now the new one "suck his lollipop"  GEEZE..............




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