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anonymous Anonymous

Q & A

If you yourself is very sick, say having a long term illness.  It has been effected your mood.  You see the spouse is exhausted in doing everything else and yet not happy.  Would you consider letting your spouse go so they can pursue their own happiness????

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Angelcart wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • Wow, that’s tough.  I know I would never leave my spouse with an illness no matter how exhausting it may be.  But I can certainly see how one would feel terrible feeling that they are a burdan on their spouse.frown




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Angelcart wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • ooops, “burden”




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kandykahne 5 wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • I wouldn’t want him to go but yes I would. However, I know he wouldn’t leave. I’ve had my minor health issues and he was great taking care of me. I’ve been through this with him when he was diagnosed with cancer a couple years ago. It wasn’t easy but we made it through. He is doing much better now.happy




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Angelcart wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • Term I saw that!happy  Maybe I misunderstood the question.  If I were sick (terminally) I would feel like a burden BUT I would want the help.  When my dad had terminal cancer I saw what a toll it took on his wife even though she was terrific.  Now if it was MENTAL, that’s different.  My husband’s younger sister left her husband (she’s weird anyways) after finding out he had cancer. I never understood how she could have done that.  Plus he owns a biz and she works there!

       One of my best friends lost her husband at age 42 to cancer and she did everything in her power to help him. I used to go over and sit with him when she had to run errands because he couldn’t be left alone.  It was so so hard on her (not to mention him) so, I just don’t understand how you could leave someone with a terminal illness (because we know it’s a matter of time) and have a clear conscious.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • Right I'm going to roll my sleeves up and answer this.......

      First I do have a long term and what will be a terminal illness and when I was first diagnosed I was single and I envied women who had partners to look after them and they didn't need a full time nurse etc; For around 6 months I had a full time nurse who lived in she did everything and she was a true angel and I adore her......  

      Now I was shocked because suddenly lots of women kicked their hubbies out – the reason being they suddenly thought well if I only have X or Y months years why live I lie – my marriage has been a sham for years and now my dying days are on my terms ......

      After a while I could see their reasoning but their families put huge pressure on them because it looked bad ......... bad on whom the family because Mummy had gone nuts after being diagnosed it wasn't like they were out in high heels cruising bars looking for toy boys they could hardly walk .....

      Now my hubby left in the Jan of 2006 and in the August of 2005 I was told my brain tumour was inoperable and would make my "good life" as in walking , talking , running round very short as in months – I shrugged my shoulders and said " whatever " .....

      Meaning I don't think so I've way too much to accomplish and my hubby went on a 4 day drinking spree – missing from home not answering the phone etc; and that's when he hooked up with his lady friend....

      Now when I met my hubby I told him about my condition and he was cool – he could cope but when it came to the wire he couldn't he just saw me in 6 months time a dribbling , bed ridden hag .......

      So July 2009 UK Girl is firing on all cylinders ......... and hubby is a miserable idiot alone.

      Do I blame him – no when push came to shove he couldn't hack it and that's cool braver man to say no thanks ...... so I don't believe in martyrdom for the sake of an illness..... Why trash two lives.

      The key bit is not staying or going is how folk handle the guilt or perceived guilt .....




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Angela 'Cocco' Williams wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • Anon, Of course I would want my husband to be happy and may even consider telling him to go because you dont want someone you love to ever suffer because of you. However when we got married our vows stated for better or for worse. I would consider that the worse part. My husband loves me and what makes him happy is being with me. That is if I am sick or well. We are one. That doesnt mean that we dont get upset or disagree sometimes, but it does mean that we are toghether until death do part. It is easy to show your love for someone when everything is Great but the true test of love is if they will stay and be happy when everything is Grim......thats when the LOVE really matters.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Wittymom wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • UKgirl, you my friend are truly fabulous. I love your take away point " The key bit is not staying or going is how folk handle the guilt or perceived guilt ....." at the end of the day that is the bottom line isn't it?

      In answer to this question, my answer is I really don’t know.....




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Angelcart wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • Cocco, another fabulous answer as always!happy  I too believe in the “sickness and health” part of marriage.  However, I realize that we‘re all different on that.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Susan Dahringer wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • For me,I would say no because when you marry,it’s often for better or worse til death do you part..If my spouse was terminally ill I will stay with him to the end..No matter of how unhappy,I was or vice versa..




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • No one understands.. frown




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • I think it is to the choice of the care giver.  If one is willing to continue to provide care... great.  If one is burnt out, best to let go.

      Terma: Mental.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • If there is a mental issue and the person who is sick is doing everything they can to be healthy; medication, therapy, healthy eating (yes, this can be a factor, too) and the caregiver is still having problems with the responsibility of caregiving, by all means go. staying will hurt the ill person.

      If the caregiver is still devoted and it’s the ill person who wants them to go, I ask why? So as not to be a burden? Because the love is really not there in the first place? I think the reason is important.

      If the caregiver is still devoted and yet getting burned out AND the ill person refuses to do anything to be well; medication, therapy, and such, then the caregiver is perfectly within their rights to leave. They have done all they can. And, who knows, by leaving it may actually be the catalyst the ill person needs to finally get going on self care.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Janet Wooley wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • In all honesty it is up to the person staying because we are all different, I have a dear frind who is severly handicapped with RA Rumatoid Arthritis. Poor thing has suffered terribly, In her marriage it got so difficult they could no longer sleep together It physically hurt her tooo bad, he was an alcoholic and went to the bar every night. That was so hard on her because there was nothing wrong with her mind. Any way thru all of this she let him go, but he would never divorce her. They lived in the same house until he passed away. He got lung cancer and went very fast. She never stopped loving him and deep down I know she wanted him to love her the way he used to. He at one point had a girlfriend but he would not marry her and came home every night. I personally do not think I could go thru all that. My opinion was he did not want to divorce her because he knew she would get half of all his assest. He was very wealthy. Now that he is gone she has enough money to be cared for the rest of her life.So there I see how staying was in her best interest.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • I read back my answer and want to add that it would hurt the relationship, not necessarily the ill person, if a caregiver is feeling resentment and is getting burned out and stays when they really don’t want to be there happy




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Angela 'Cocco' Williams wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • People make decisions for other people based on what their feelings are. If you ask the person and they verbalize that they want to leave then that is one thing, but if you just decide that you just assume it is better for the person to leave then that is another. Let the caretaker decide.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • I have given my husband that out, he didn’t take it.  Am I happy or unhappy?  I don’t like being a burden to him and him having to take care of alot of stuff and me.  I love him, I meant it when I said better, worse, sicker, poor. Also, I believe he meant it.  

      But, there are times that I feel I should be the one to leave, just start walking, don’t look back.  He’d be there, I love him so much.  I just don’t know.

      I think it’s a decision you have to make based on factors in your life that no one can answer but you.  I’m sorry, it’s not easy and never will be.  But, remember as some have pointed out if it’s mental and you HAVEN‘T been taking your meds. or they haven’t gotten you on a good combination yet, you don’t make a move!  Not until you have come into a state of being that you can consider all the factors involved and repercussions on you, him, children, family, extended family, and friends.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mzd3 wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • At first I was going to answer that its for better or for worse, its forever. But, I also agree with Cynthia about the ill person has to do everything in their power to get well too. Its a tough situation for sure. Anon, I hope you are doing all you can to help yourself become well, (((Hugs)))




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Susan Dahringer wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • Hi !If you told us we would be very sympathetic and understanding...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Frannie1964 wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • I agree with Cocco, for better or for worse, and with Mistic..In sickness and In health. Those were my vows. If my hubby had a terminal Illness I would stand by him and take care of him, If It got too hard for me then I would ask for help, More then likely a care giver to help me so that way I won’t get burnt out and want to leave. I can take a break now and then but I would not leave, even If he asked me too. Now as for my hubby sticking around for me, I believe he would. I might be the one who told him to go ahead and leave and be happy and live his life. I mean I feel like I’m a burden already just by not driving and he has to drive me around when I need him too but only when necessary. So I wouldn’t want him to feel like he needed to be there.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marya1961 wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • This question is truly difficult and I fully feel your pain Anon...I was very ill last year with some type of virus that the doctors could not diagnose...there were so many tests, blood work, more tests, doctor visits, specialists...at one point I had a seizure and thought while medicated in the ER...that is it, no more me..frown...when I came home, my hub had to take over everything...the chores, bills, shopping, etc...I did nothing but cry every day because of the pain...said to him many times, just leave honey..I love you so much, don’t want to burden you with this, it was a lot for him, plus having to go to work..no one offered help, no family, no friends...gradually I got a little better (but ended up with fibromyalgia) after many months of meds and that man never left my side, ever and he is still here today...where there is a will there is a way, Anon..happy




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