Don't have an account? To participate in discussions consider signing up or signing in
facebook connect
Sign-up, its free! Close [x]

Benefits

  • okay Create lasting relationships with other like minded women.
  • okay Blogging, let your voice be heard!
  • okay Interact with other women through blogs,questions and groups.
  • okay Photo Album, upload your most recent vacation pictures.
  • okay Contests, Free weekly prize drawing.
  • okay Weekly Newsletter.

Q & A

Does anyone have advice on how to handle a father in law who would like to come live with us (husband, 2 kids and myself).  I am feeling like I should say yes, but don’t want to lose the private life of our family. How do you reconcile this conflict?  My husband doesn’t feel like he can say no, I am so conflicted and would love to hear from women who have dealt with this.



Answer this See more Questions

View All Answers

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Yana Berlin wrote Feb 1, 2010
    • It’s a tough call. You are doomed if you do and doomed if you don’t. It’s not easy to live with your own parents let alone in laws. However, if I was faced with this choice I would welcome him in, because my husband would be devastated if I didn’t. Parents take care of us, so we can later take care of them.

      Sending blessings.
      Y




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Trudy S wrote Feb 1, 2010
    • I agree with Yana...but just as parents should negotiate ‘rules of the house’ when adult children move in with you, I would suggest you and your husband do the same with your fil.

      That should include your private time!  It should also include what he will/can contribute - whether it be $ or sweat equity.  Make a list of all the areas in which you have ‘needs’ and he should do the same - and then discuss how you will all respect those needs.

      You will all be so much more happy if you make sure you are all on the same page before he moves in.

      Hope this helps!




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Venus 7000 wrote Feb 1, 2010
    • Is your home big enough to accommodate him comfortably.  If it isn’t then having him there could be a major strain on you and your marriage.  A lot also depends on his personality, health care needs and level of activity.  

      Why does he want to move in with you?  Financial issues, loneliness, health issues?  Can these be addressed in another way?  

      I love my dad, but I am not sure how I would deal with this dilemma.




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jess55 wrote Feb 2, 2010
    • thank you ladies - our home really isn’t big enough - there is no spare bedroom, but he thinks he wants to live in a out building on the property that has electricity, composting toilet and woodstove with no AC in the summer.  He is lonely and would need to have us make his meals, do his laundry, provide him with socialization opportunities, etc... and realistically we would have to be the one to maintain the fire in the winter months as well as making room for him at our house when it gets too hot in the summer.  He is not interested in helping do housework or taking care of himself much.  I think he is really depressed and lonely and wants to be in our families daily life to give him company without much thought to what we (mostly me) will have to do to maintain his meals, comfort, health here at the house.  I have mentioned that we need to get this out on the table with him - my concerns esp. and see if he really wants to do this, but my husband is uncomfortable with the frank discussion.  I almost think we need a neutral party to “host” the talk.  I hold on to anxiety about it because it really could change my life in ways I am not excited about.  I feel guilty and wonder if I am just a selfish person or someone who is being realistic.




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Max0125 wrote Feb 2, 2010
    • One option to consider is checking out an independent living complex close to you. He would be able to have an apartment to himself with cleaning and laundry assitance. In addition, the complexes generally provide a lot of activities for socialization. You could visit him frequently and have him over for weekend visits as well.

      That said, I think that you should always follow your heart. If you are going to feel guilty about not taking him into your home, then it is not worth it. I do agree that the terms should be negotiated though.

      Good luck on your decision and keep us posted!




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kmarie wrote Feb 2, 2010
    • I do argee with Yana and I love Max0125 suggestion of finding something close and still incoporating him into your daily lives.




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Karyn Olson wrote Feb 2, 2010
    • If it were me I would take him in...but that is me...family is family and I would not turn him away regardless of the circumstances...having said that...everyone will have their own opinion and views on this and I respect that...happy

      Somethings to think about is that perhaps it has nothing to do with having someone there to cook or clean for you...maybe he wants and needs to feel like he belongs somewhere...lack of this will lead to depression and no motivation for anything.




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Frannie1964 wrote Feb 2, 2010
    • My father-n-law wanted to live with us about 7 years ago cause his girlfriend and him broke up so he needed a place and hubby asked If It was ok that he live with us. I said ok but as long as he fallows our rules. It was just a few rules on not letting my pets out front to run loose and go In the streets or leaving his dirty dishes In the sink, If he dirty them, he needs to wash them, I already have a hubby I take care of, I don’t need two hubbys..lol  It worked out good, he was hardly home. He traveled alot and went out dancing, so It worked out great. But I gave It a chance cause he Is my hubby’s Dad, and I know If I ever needed one of my family members to stay with us, Hubby would let me, knowing I did the same for him.happy




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary McGuire wrote Apr 1, 2010
    • Check out the Area Agency on Aging for a neutral person or family counseler to negotiate the family dynamics.  Yes, we could take in our aging parents, but is this the best option for them as well as the family?  If he is depessed this won’t help.  See if he will go to a doctor to check his health.  80% of seniors suffer from Depression.  A senior facility near to your house is a good choice for socialization and care.  Make sure that it is close enough to you so that the whole family can stop by and check on him.  This could be as basic as a seniors only apartment or one that has 3 levels of care so that he doesn’t need to be moved.  It all depends on his finances so a professional Care Manager can help.




            Report  Reply


Ask a Question






mature content submit as anonymous