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anonymous Anonymous

Q & A

Hey guys need some advice, I have been living with a man for fourteen years. Im not maried becouse I choose not to be. I have been secretly seeing another guy for a year and a half and hes 10 years younger, I know he not right for me but I love him Help!!!

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Best Answer

First, believe that none of us will judge you.  I bet if you peeled back some of OUR layers, you’d run for your life!  lol

Second, you are not happy in your 14 year relationship and I don’t believe you are happy in the one that you’ve been seeing on the side.  I don’t think either of them quite do it for you but there is something within you that makes you believe you need these men which is why you’ve failed to let one or BOTH go.

While it’s easier said than done...keeping them both around will not allow you the time, space or energy to focus on your needs as I sense some insecurity here which WILL ABSOLUTELY play on our emotions.

This is decision making time and it does not include these men.  Know what I mean?  It’s YOU BABY.  YOU ALL THE WAY!  You can’t contribute your half to a healthy relationship if you are not at least healthy yourself.


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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Nov 24, 2008
    • Based upon the words of your question, I would say, it sounds like being alone for a significant amount of time would help you sort things out for yourself; Figure out who you are & what you truly want.  

      Cheating: Automatic dealbreaker regardless of circumstance.

      Sorry~

      Good luck.
      J.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Nov 24, 2008
    • Its such  long story, not happy with what Im doing and Im trying so very hard to walk away. He was there when things wasnt going right at home and It was not my intention for this to go any further than it did. I am trying so very hard to walk away but its not easy. I dont want to be judged becouse I am aware of my big mistake. I need super support

      Thanks Friends




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Nov 24, 2008
    • You deserve to be happy. Good luck!!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Inakika wrote Nov 24, 2008
    • It seems that you are obviously not happy with the guy you have been with the longest. I just don’t think being with someone else is the answer, regardless of his age. You need to take some time and soul search, find out what you are really looking for.
      I agree with Jenz, you need some alone time to really find out where your heart truly is. Being in one relationship and having a secret one is not good for you.
      And needless to say, men are not as forgiving as women are, if the first man finds out there could be dire consequences.
      I know it’s easy for us to say just leave the second man alone, but really, are you sure you love him or is it because he’s new and exciting? You have alot of soul searching to do, good luck.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Inakika wrote Nov 24, 2008
    • Teeky, AMEN!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tammie Jo Berg wrote Nov 24, 2008
    • Time away is one of the best things you can do for yourself. It will clear your head. Help you to take a breath. It will give you some objectivity. And it will take more than a day or two.  

      At one point you say you love the young one, but at another you say you know the relationship is not right. Sometimes the younger new love can be infatuation. And infatuation is strong, wonderful, intoxicating and soooo addicting. That is why you need some serious time to yourself. You will go through withdrawls.  

      It sounds like you have reached a tipping point, and you aren’t sure which way the pot will tip, and there will be consequences either way. Being able to weigh those consequences with a clear mind should play a large role in your decision. Maybe the decision will be neither.

      Obviously this is a situation that is heavy on your heart. You desire to be whole, happy and healthy. You deserve to be the best you can be. Take the time.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Nov 24, 2008
    • i agree with all the women here..

      you really need to figure out WHAT it is you want! happiness is what you deserve.. someone is going to get hurt which is the sad thing..

      i hope you get it worked out..
      Linni




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Nov 25, 2008
    • Hey Friend,

      This is the story. I love my guy ive been with for fourteen years mentally and physically,and thats the problem.Its been so long that the relationship has gotten a little boring. We have exsperinced sex in every way and I am very pleased,but I am the type of person who gets board very fast which could be the problem. Othe than that, our relationship is fine. We go through our ups and downs and thats when Mr. 30 so called “came and saved the day“. I never asked for this to happen. One of our mutual friends gave him my number knowing that I was married.In the beginning everything was great, he was very supportive and understanding. Now,emotions are involved,more so mines than hes, but deep in my heart I know hes not worth messing around with however its so HARD to let go!!!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Nov 25, 2008
    • Hey Friend,
      Thank you so very much for your positive yet understanding advice. You better believe this have not been easy for me. I have struggled with this for a years and a half and I am not happy with what I have done. I love my guy of 14 yrs but the relationship is getting boring. Our communication skills is lacking and thats the big problem. This is where MR.30 came into play. He listens, we talk and joke around and other things occur(you know)which is not all that great lol but our communication level is wonderful. I didnt ask for Mr. 30 to come into my life he got my number from a mutual friend  and we began to talk and he listend.  which then lead to other things (emotions got involved). I want to let go of Mr.30 becouse hes not the one for me however its NOT easy. I want to continue my relationship with my guy becouse hes is great but have faults that makes me run to Mr 30 but I am going to find a better way to deal with this.I Will let go of MR.30 and work harder on my relationship with my guy. And as for MR. 30 hell be fine becouse honestly I dont think he really cares hes still learning how to enjoy life3. Again thanks




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Nov 27, 2008
    • Thank you again, the more I open up about this situation,I gain the strenght to just let him go. As I said before its not easy to walk but I know that its the right thing for me to do. I do work and attend school, however there is always time to play when a person wants to. Mr.30 is a great person but I know that this must come to an end. Its not a healthy situation and its not worth the heart aches and pain. To be honest hes not worth being with anyway.
      Thanks again for being so supportive




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