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Q & A

Can I ever really trust him again?
I love my husband with all my heart, but after his affair, the trust is not just the same. It’s like the truth of the many lies he told reveals itself when unexpected, even now after the affair is over and done with. I know he regrets what he has done, I can feel it. We have a great relationship, even better than before if you ask. We get along, we are very attracted to each other, we have a great family, we have an awesome time together. He’s always trying to make sure I feel comfortable. Will I ever trust the way I did again?

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Best Answer

Yes you will trust him again! Time does heal the pain and love will  get you to the point of trust. You have to forgive not forget but forgive in order to move on and trust again. I know what you are going through. I went throught the same thing with my husband.  I chose to forgive but not forget. It has been 11 years since that time of darkness in my marriage and  the marriage is better now than ever. I do trust him 200% because he know how much he hurt me and what it would do to me to go down that road. You must forgive in order to have a chance of working out but I can guarentee you that you will never forget.


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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Nov 24, 2008
    • I don’t think you will trust him exactly the same way you did before the affair...

      But if you have forgiven him..(Have you really forgiven him?..because that’s a hard thing to do 100%)..then I think that you can learn to trust him again over time..It will be different..I believe, because infidelity is something that will pop up in your mind at some point in the future...

      I know I could never trust someone who cheats on me, but that’s me. I stayed with my ex husband the first time, even with his so-called child, but I never trusted him and I most certainly never gave myself fully to him...again, that’s me...When he did it a second time..it was time for me to bounce and roll out...Never again!!!!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 24, 2008
    • Teeky is right IF you want your marriage you will have to trust. Act as if - and the feelings will come. I’m really sorry that you have to deal with this!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jacquie6363 wrote Nov 24, 2008
    • Unfortunately, this is a situation where you cannot go from 0 to 60, but with time and endurance, the trust can be regained.  The trust factor definitely has to be rebuilt otherwise it will just be a matter of time before an issue arise and shit hits the fan.  At present, because you do not have complete trust in him, you both are just going through the motions...your husband stepping on eggshells and you waiting for him to break one.

      Professional help is always an option and/or the many self-help information that we have readily available to us today.  Venture out on faith and start to rebuild that trust.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Fabulousfefe wrote Nov 24, 2008
    • Thanks for all the responses, I thought I was losing my mind. We are happy, and I will keep on trying and trusting in GOD.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Nov 24, 2008
    • I guess it really does boil down to strength...because I knew I could not stay after the second time. I rationalized that he and I were not married the first time, just engaged. But when it happened the second time, I had to let him go...I’m better for it though, because I’d be like beachbum..asking a whole bunch of questions when he says he’s gonna be home late...Life is too short for the madness!!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rosa Page wrote Nov 24, 2008
    • Yes you will trust him again! Time does heal the pain and love will  get you to the point of trust. You have to forgive not forget but forgive in order to move on and trust again. I know what you are going through. I went throught the same thing with my husband.  I chose to forgive but not forget. It has been 11 years since that time of darkness in my marriage and  the marriage is better now than ever. I do trust him 200% because he know how much he hurt me and what it would do to me to go down that road. You must forgive in order to have a chance of working out but I can guarentee you that you will never forget.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Inakika wrote Nov 25, 2008
    • I too have gone through this with my husband.
      To make it even worse (brace yourselves) the heifa he slept with had the nerve to drunkenly knock on my door at 4 a.m. demanding my husband!
      I dared to crack my front door open and she forced her way into my house. After the realization of what was going on hit me, I snapped! All I remember was my husband pulling me and some of her hair off of her. I had wrapped her hair around my left hand like a bandage, pinned her head to the ground and was punching her like the Terminator with the right hand!
      I still can’t believe that happened. Yikes!
      It was a long time ago and trust me when I say I had lots of issues to work out with him. But work it out we did. Just take your time and realize it's okay to feel the way you do, he messed up bad. But he obviously loves you and wants to make it work with you, take it day by day. Some days will be better then others, but you will get through this.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Nov 25, 2008
    • Do you know why he did it? This is just the way I see it.
      You can choose to trust him again or never, but do you love him enough to give it another chance. Remember to trust yourself. You‘re entitled to all your emotions own them, refine them and keep on loving.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rosa Page wrote Nov 25, 2008
    • Is it really important why they cheat? or Is it more important to know how to get past it. Men will alway say “I don’t know it just happend“. I belive it does just happen. I don’t think our husband set out to cheat and hurt us. I asked my husband why several times and he would alway say “I don’t know it just evolved and it just happend“. Of couse I hated that answer but over the years, I have not excussed what he did but try to understand. I can understand the other womans attraction and wanting him but woman that go after married men or allow to be chased and caught by a married man don’t respect themselve to much in my opinion. I have spoken with many women that have had their husband cheat. And I see more cases of men that stay with their wife than leave with the other woman. Why do women do this to other women? Why do they allow themselve to be the other women?




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Nov 25, 2008
    • The question, why did he cheat was asked because if the wife neglects her husbands needs including attention, affection, conversation and sex then she holds some responsibility for his infidelity.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Maria Louise Van Deuson wrote Nov 26, 2008
    • Have the two of you considered couples counseling to help you through this difficult time in your relationship? I recommend that kind of assistance IF you want to save your marriage.

      I have a strong feeling about infidelity having gone through it myself in the past with my significant other.  

      My new (2nd husband) knows what happened in my past and I made it clear that infidelity isn’t something I will take lightly.

      Having an objective third party to help the two of you with the ‘issues’ will help.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Sam4 wrote Dec 3, 2008
    • I went through this in ‘96.  You can forgive, but you will never forget.  Everyone is right that says time heals.  With time comes more opportunities to trust and be rewarded for doing so.  It doen’t work out like that for everyone, but it did for me.  My biggest question was how do I forgive.  Turns out for me it was to not mention the transgression in a fit of anger.  It only comes up when he needs to face the consequences of the affair.  (There was a baby involved so money issues still have to be worked through from time to time.)




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rosa Page wrote Dec 3, 2008
    • WOW! you are a better woman than I. I found forgiveness easier for both of us because there was no offspring from that betrail but a child that would be to hard for me to deal with. I have not been able to have a child so that would just hurt me on such a different level. You truly meant forever. I give you credit that is true forgiveness. I don’t mention the affair anymore it has been 10years since then. Although he has answered all my questions and we are in a good place. I can’t help on occation to go back to that time and wonder to myself “But WHY!” Why is this in our heads even decades later? Why can’t we forget?




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Jan 14, 2009
    • I know that its forget and forgive...but I am not able to do either..I don’t lie, cheat or steel..And I just know I could never trust them or respect them ever again..I would be gone..Because I know that if he cheated once and got caught...it will make him more careful when he does it again..I know all of you have hearts of gold...but me I have been lied to abused and treated badly..And I did nothing to deserve it and I will not subject myself to it over and over...Men cheat and lie and then come to you hat in hand looking for a way back in..Well in my mind..if it was so bad that you had an affair before what has changed to assure me it won't happen again..There is nothing that can change the acts that were committed and nothing you say, buy or promise me will take away the pain and suffering I had to do because you are a cheating asshole..I know My Bad...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rosa Page wrote Jan 15, 2009
    • Not all men are cheating asshole. I know many cheating women that are asshole also. Cheating takes two. I have never been abused or treated badly by my husband or any man for that matter, so I could only image that pain. I am not justifing cheating but I can say I did not forgive my husband for his sake. I forgave for mine. I love him! He is a good man. He followed his heart and at the end it lead him back to me. My forgiveness is purely selfish. I like my lifestyle and I love my husband. Why should I lose my world over pride or another woman? Pride? who am I being Prideful for? My family? My friends. My heart is not gold my heart was broken and now it has healed. I trust him? and I don’t know what I would do if he would do it again. He might or I might cheat one day. I don’t know the future. I do know that today our relationship is better and we send more time with each other. He talks more than he did before the cheat. I want to trust him. I can’t control him but I can control me. I forgave a long time ago but I will always remember.




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    • +2 votes vote up vote up

      Juli1967 wrote Jan 18, 2009
    • It is amazing how many of us have gone through this and it really sucks!  I have had many fantasies about beating the living hell out of the cheap tramp and believe me when I say I have punished my husband—not physically of course and I have seen his pain at what he did and what he almost lost and when he sees me in pain I can see the fear in his eyes and the remorse over what he did to me.
      When our marriage was in trouble and I didn’t know what he was up to I was praying on my face constantly for God to save my marriage and He did. Then I found out and had to deal with the fact that my prayers were answered, my marriage restored but I didn’t know what I was praying for! But it was a lesson in the beauty of forgiveness—i didn’t say forgetness! If I was going to ask God for forgiveness for my many sins and Christ suffered the way He did for me I had to forgive my husband and graciously accept God’s answer to my prayers because in the end He didn’t answer my prayers to see me suffer on the other side! He is here for me and the journey is not over. Its been 2 years and my heart still aches but I have come to another major realization. I may not ever fully trust my husband again, but I will and I can trust God to protect me from that kind of pain again. That doesn’t necessarily mean that God will keep my husband from cheating on me again, it just means that if he does, I KNOW I can fully trust God to get met through it and away from him because if it happens again I can tell you that I will forgive him but I will absolutely not choose to stay with him.
      I don’t believe that any man is worthy of our complete trust but I do know that God is the only true “constant“—never changing, never leaving, never ending, never cheating LOVE of our lives and we can trust Him fully and seek refuge in Him. He is where our hope lies! That doesn’t mean that I don’t have hope in a loving relationship with my husband, but it is because of God that I have that hope.
      I had to rely on God in a way that I had never done before during that time and even though the actual experience of what was going on my life was beyond words horrifying and sickening, the experience of what was happening between me and my loving and merciful God was life changing!

      Now I am just trying to work on the “not keeping record of transgressions” part.  Its hard but the reward is so worth it.
      Like I said it really sucks to be having to deal with it and I hate that others are also dealing with it but we can find comfort—that’s the flip-side.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rosa Page wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • Cheating, on both sides of a marriage has excited since the notion of marriage. It’s how we deal and move on from cheating that makes us stronger. We teach our little girls the Disney version of love not the real version of love, the version to forgive and move on. That no one should be put on a pedestal. We teach boys that to be men you need to be wanted by several women and leading into temptation is funny and Cool. When we should teach that when you make a commitment it’s for the long haul. We also teach girls and boys  to go after what you want that your happiness is the only thing that matters. We need to go back to basic with our children so hopefully we might see the divorce rate go down and marriage could receive the respect it should have.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Juli1967 wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • Have you seen the movie preiview that starts off with the little girl who gets pushed down in the park and the mom tells her he did that and said mean things to her because he likes her?  I can’t remember the name of the movie but it has Drew Barrymore and Jennifer Anniston and a few other big names.
      Anyway—the last comment made me think of it.

      Marriage is important!  Or it should be. Too many people get married and then the second things don’t seem to be going their way, they just get a divorce.  I so wish that things would be different than that in our society.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • WHAT WHAT WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!!!!!!!! I do not believe that anyone person in a marriage is EVER responsible for their spouse cheating.  WOW....my husband cheated on my and i have dedicated my entire being to him for over 30 years.  I am thin, energetic, a good cook, great mom, hard worker and always available to his every and I mean every need.  But the timing was right and a woman available and he was ready and willing.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Juli1967 wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • I will never take responsibility for what my husband did to me!  Just like we say that we can only control ourselves and how we respond or react, we should only have to accept responsibility for what we actually did.  Even if there was something that I did that made him think about it or influenced his decision or whatever you want to call it, he still made a conscious choice to follow through with it!  I won’t have to stand before God and answer for his sins and I won’t waste any time blaming myself.  There is enough damage done that I have to deal with.
      I hope none of you that is going through this blames yourself!  Never let it be that you accept responsibility for a person choosing to be unfaithful—that is all on them!  No matter what was going on between you at the time, each person makes their own choice and follows through with it.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Mar 8, 2009
    • It sound like Gold and I have had the same outcome to our spouses cheating.  When I found out about the other woman, I was devastated. I was a good wife and we were sexually active a couple times a week throughout the whole affair. That was one of the reasons it took me so long to find out.  I love my husband and chose to stay in our marriage.  But every day is a battle to trust.  I don’t think that I can ever be the same person that I was before I found out.  I am less trusting and less giving.  I have forgiven him but I have not forgotten.  He lied to me for so long without my knowing that I still, although not verbally, question everything.  I am different. My level of respect for him also changed.  He betrayed me.  Anyone else would not be in my life anymore.  Every day he has to prove himself to me by his actions.  These feelings are silent but they are there.  Our relationship is growing but I keep silent on the trust and respect issues because they are my issues, his issues are in proving that he is worthy of my trust and respect again.  It will just be different than before but do you really want it to be the same as it was when he was lying to you?  Growth is change, however subtle.  Funny thing is I am curious about the girlfriend of 5 years, not to attack or confront her, just to know her and what she was thinking. What is the other woman thinking?




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Juli1967 wrote Mar 10, 2009
    • It takes time and that in itself is hard to deal with sometimes.  Just know that she is not worth your time.  You have to put your trust in God.  Keep turning to Him for help to get through this.  It’s definitely not easy.  IT has been almost 2 years for me and I still think about it at some point every day.  I just choose to take my thoughts captive every time they start creeping up on me.  Sometimes that is right away, sometimes its after I have gotten really deep into the thought before I realize that I am going down a wrong path.  I thank God for saving my marriage, now I have to trust Him to help me get through the aftermath.  I know without a doubt that I can trust God to be true to His word.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Mar 10, 2009
    • Yes, God is the one that we can put our trust in.  I think that it will be a long time before I trust my husband again.  I have forgiven him but that does not mean that I have to trust him.  At this point it would be an act of stupidity to trust him.  I only hope that my daughters aren’t as affected by it as I have been.  It is the most hurtful experience I have had.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Juli1967 wrote Mar 10, 2009
    • I hear you and feel your pain.  It’s hard.  I am glad that you have a relationship with God because that is the only way I have been able to deal with it.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rosa Page wrote Mar 11, 2009
    • When I decided to forgive my husband I never agreed to forget what he did. I told him from the moment I took him back that He had no right to not answer my question when I had question of Helena. The bitch knew all about me and I was in the dark. At first I had all kinds of question. Like had they been here or there, or did you do this or that? He would give me the answers sometimes answers I did not like but I wanted to know. Ten years later, I don’t ask question but I still remember every night he came home late, every place they had been and the night it all started. It is a reminder to me that one moment can change so many things. I love him and he love me back. I would not leave him for anything or anyone. I know what I have in him the good the bad and the ugly. As time goes on your heart will soften back to trusting him. You won’t worry if he is late or if he is not where he should be. You have to jump into the relationship again as you did when you first started to date. If you don’t save time and just leave him. With forgiveness comes the burden of letting go and trying to forget and having to trust. If not it is not forgiveness at all it trocher so just end the pain. God forgives us so why can’t you just forgive him?




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Mar 12, 2009
    • That is what I remind myself of whenever I get into a rut.  God has forgiven me and how can I expect that if I can’t forgive.  It’s a nice reminder.  Keeps me in check.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Mar 12, 2009
    • Have I forgiven him?  Yes.
      Have I forgotten? No
      Do I trust him? No
      Is he still lying? Yes, by not mentioning the phone calls
      Does he know that I know about the phone calls?  No




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Mar 13, 2009
    • I think that you may trust him again.  And I believe that you can love someone that you don’t trust.  In the Bible, a famous verse, part of a many used chapter, I Corinthians 13:13, it says, “And now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”  I don’t see trust mentioned in there.  If you have had a child who became involved in drugs, you have experienced that same issue.  You can’t trust them, but you still love them, which is what makes everything so difficult.  I hope that my husband will not cheat again, I have more difficulty with faith but put that faith in God to give me the means to protect myself, and I deeply love my husband.  Trust we are still working on.  One question that I have is, does he wear a condom when you have sex?  If he doesn’t, I would say that you trust him.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rosa Page wrote Mar 18, 2009
    • HE IS STILL TALKING TO HER!!!! This is so not right. If he is still talking to her it is far from over! You need to speak up. How can you and he move on when you, he and she are still in the same place? You have to see that he is still cheating. If he is keeping secrets after everything... If he is talking to her... God only know what else is going on. You need to confront him but first you need to know what you want. if you don’t get what you want, what are you willing to do? Talking to the other woman is a definite deal breaker in my opinion.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shari Tenner wrote Mar 19, 2009
    • Dear Anon of 6 days ago,

      If he is still talking to her he is still connected to her.  Either confront him or stop looking. I have decided to leave my husband as he continued the talking and texting and it led to more and more and more.  I have had enough.

      good luck




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Dec 14, 2011
    • I wish I knew.  My husband just moved back home after he left to live with his girlfriend.  We have so much work ahead of us and I am petrified to lose him again.  I am so scared that he is with her in their apartment whenever I cant reach him.  I feel like I need to be in contact with him constantly.  We both work full time jobs and this is quite disturbing to me all day.  I dont know how to find peace with this and try to find normalcy somewhere.  I constantly wonder if I will ever be able to trust him again.........  I want to and I really hope that it works.  We are in professional counseling.  I have no idea what to do..........
      He is doing things to show me that he wants to come back and make it work.  We have kids and it is so  hard on them.




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