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anonymous Anonymous

Q & A

My hubby is not speaking to me from last week Wednesday. How can I get him to speak to me without being the first to make up asusual? This is the thing about him I dislike the most. He loves to keep malice and I do not like it. When I am upset I deal with it and move on.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Msj wrote Jul 12, 2010
    • I say let him be. He will most likely be there tomorrow or next week, right?

      I know I used to feel that I have to “fix this issue right now” and the more I was ignored, I felt rejection which in turn fueled my ocd fix fix fix... which in turn pushed him away.

      I say just let him be. Especially if you normally approach him first.  Should not be about who does this or that first but the “real” issue of the disagreement.

      Sometimes a little space works wonders!

      Best wishes!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anne E wrote Jul 12, 2010
    • Not speaking to someone you‘re married to for five days smacks to me of emotional abuse! Don’t know what you can do about it- but you shouldn’t have to put up with that.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jojobetty wrote Jul 13, 2010
    • I find it also emotional abuse. My father did this to us when we were a child and to my mother. Don’t accept this! It’s a power thing, (how do you say this in English?). Best wishes!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Veggie wrote Jul 13, 2010
    • Agree with @catfan.  The abuser thinks silent scorn is ‘teaching a lesson‘.

      Go about your business with a smile on your face & in your heart not for him but for you.  Say good morning (with a smile), have a nice day, hello, good night... let him sit in his own stuff all by himself.

      It’ll probably piss him off more that you‘re not catering to his childish behavior but standing up for yourself by not letting him control your attitude will show respect for yourself.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Jul 13, 2010
    • i agree with all the ladies here!

      remember to take care of yourself!  

      good luck with this




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Jul 13, 2010
    • I wouldn’t put up with it! It’s childish behsvior along with being manipulative and abusive!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cathie Beck wrote Jul 13, 2010
    • Well, I sure wish you didn’t have to live with it. In my opinion, who started the fight is who owes the apology to the other. If he started it, tell him to man up and apologize to you. I guess you could make it sounds nicer than I have. If you can’t tell who started the fight, I think you both should apologize. There’s a code for fighting fair in a book by Dr Phillip Drew, maybe you should read it?  

      Good Luck!  

      Cathie




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Jul 13, 2010
    • It all started when he came to pick me up at work and saw me walking a x to his car. We were walking towards him and he changed his direction and continued walking. I had nothing to hide. This meeting I had with this person was to be discussed at home later but he spoiled it all by coming to work for me before I called him to let him know I was ready and also by walking away. I went into my office and called him on his cell and ask why he went in the direction he went. He was very aggressive with his response that he had something to do. I decided that I was not going to bring up the subject until he told me what was on his mind as he obviously wanted to have a fight that he always drags me into.

      He came into my office for me and as usual shows no respect for me when he is mad. He does not address me by name when he is talking to me and he walks away and left me struggling to lock up the office in front of my staff. He did not even offer to help me with the load of stuff I had in my hands. I was always a very happy person and did not like to quarrel and hold malice. Since marrying him over the years I have endured the mental and emotional abuse of being tortured by him not speaking to me and the disrespect. He speaks to me as if I am a man and have always felt like I have to defend myself all the time and this time I decided that I do not want to be the one to fix it as I think as usual he will continue to talk to me as if he is spitting on me. This side of him I really hate and it over shadows the very good side of him when he is speaking to me.

      I have always continue being myself when he is not speaking to me. I get up in the mornings and I fix breakfast and dinner and I also prepares his clothes. His meals I continue to put on a try and give to him just to make him feel special. I  address him by name when I need to talk to him. And yet he cannot find it in his heart to do the same for me. Yesterday when he got up he told me that his head was hurting. I made him some hot cocoa and asked if he was ok. We had no pain killer in the house and I even advised him about it. He usually make breakfast during the week while I prepare the clothes. I did the breakfast as he was not well and before I got to the clothes he did his and left mine undone. I cant live like this anymore. I have feelings too.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cathie Beck wrote Jul 13, 2010
    • Do you think maybe it’s time to go to couples counseling? You could insist he participates because you can’t continue this pattern that’s destructive to your feelings for him.  

      One thing I noticed about my feelings when fighting with the X is that I was mad at myself for being married to him, for not throwing in the towel and walking away, for hoping he’d finally “get” what love is. I was always more considerate of him than he was of me and the results of that were his dumping me for a 19 yr old 8 months ago. And I tell ya, the relief I feel and the loving life again is so Sweet! ;oD  

      I’m hoping all the best for you either way.  

      Cathie




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Karyn Olson wrote Jul 13, 2010
    • Yes emotional abuse it is...and this all falls under passive aggressive behavior...he does not know how to communicate fairly and assertively...so instead he CHOOSES to treat you with disrespect and unfairness...there is really not much you can do as these are his choices and things you cannot change...the only thing you can change is how you deal with it...If it were me...I would ignore it and go about as usual and/or get counselling for yourself or find a support group that helps with these issues.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Critcher wrote Jul 13, 2010
    • I have to agree with the ladies on this one, I’m going threw with my divorce from the same type of person. You do everything for him and then he slaps you in the face for doing them and then pours more things to do for him. Sounds like a narcissistic behavior to me.
      If he won’t go for counseling as a couple (for me he was the one that thought  I was crazy one) After going threw counseling myself low and behold I’m not crazy at all it’s him! I always knew that but I needed a professional to tell me that for sheer validation for myself. It was the best thing I could of ever done for myself.  

      Life is too short to be miserable if he won’t talk and grow up then you have to step up and do it yourself. For your own sake.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cathie Beck wrote Jul 13, 2010
    • Denise, I hear ya! I really believe in the vows of marriage, but we have to be loved back for them to work. No cooperation, no counseling and it’s a done deal if we want to remain intact.  

      Cathie




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Chris160 wrote Jul 13, 2010
    • I am just going through a separation with the same type of man. It is emotional abuse. It is very hard. You do everything you can possibly do to make him happy and it is never enough. The silent treatment stinks. We were together 14 years. Not married but lived together. I can not believe I put up with this for so long. You deserve better. See if he will go to therapy with you. My ex doesn’t think he has a problem so there is no way I can fix my relationship. I feel a sense of freedom without him. I was always walking on eggshells around him. No one should live like that. I am not saying it is easy to split. It does get lonely at times, but then again I was lonely even when he was here. Every minute of my day was taken up doing things for him without getting anything in return. Take care of yourself. You are worth it and deserve better




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