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anonymous Anonymous

Q & A

Have you noticed that some people have duel personalities with aging?

I have noticed that my Mom who was always “easy going” and smiled a lot has gotten cranky and inpatient as she has aged. She is 67.  Also I went on a trip with a friend that I have known since I was 12 and on the first and last day she was “snappy” and impatient.
On the in between days she was so much fun and just like she has always been. She is 63. This is the first time I have spent this many days with her. Perhaps this is the “real” her.... or is it an age thing? I am having trouble forgetting her “snappy” comments on the days I mentioned. Again, is it age? If so... how do I let go and love her for all of the good times we have shared in the past years?
I would not post anonymous but I am fearful that she might join this site and read my comments and know it is hear that I speak of.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenni0811 wrote Dec 14, 2008
    • I wonder if there are physical changes going on that are changing her mood. I know when I am not feeling well, I get short-tempered. Just think of what happens to men when they get the sniffles!

      Anyway, I can think of a bunch of stuff off the top of my head...difficulty seeing, difficulty hearing, incontinence, forgetfulness, joint pain/stiffness, digestion issues, change in diet, even lonliness if there has been a change in her social circle, death of family, friends.....

      My mom went through a “cranky” period also....until we finally made her get a physical and poof! problems were solved and she is back to her old self. Sometimes, we a need a push to get the help we need. Ask her if any of these issues could be occurring for her.

      Or perhaps...you just tired her out with your whirlwind visit!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jacquie6363 wrote Dec 14, 2008
    • Jenni, is right, there could be a number of things that are probably causing her to have her mood swings.  I would narrow it down to age as the primary factor for her behaviour, even your mom, age probably doesn’t have anything to do with it.  

      I have a friend who is much younger than your mom, much younger than myself, she hasn’t even turn 40 yet, and talk about “Jekyll and Hyde“, now there is a dual personality if you ever need one.  Yet, I choose to love her for who she is, when ever she switches and the mean and evil came out, I consoled and offered my help for what might have been bothering here.

      Truthfully, we all have those personalities, for some of us, we can suppress the mean side a lot better, and for others it’s not that easy.

      Don’t give up on your friend, be there for her, offer her your support and find out if she would like to discuss what’s bothering her.  Sometimes that’s all it takes...that offer of help.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Dec 14, 2008
    • Thankyou for your help. I really appreciate it!

      It wasn’t a whirlwind visit to my friend’s home. We went on a short road trip. It was relaxing and yet we shopped a lot too. She is definitely a “shopalcolic.”  She spent so much that I was shocked!

      What is perplexing to me is that she was only “snippy” the first day and the last day. I will definitely take it in to consideration some of the things you two mentioned.

      I think I know what makes my mom a bear. She extends her self too much. She does too much and then she gets grouchy.
      With her I think it is the energy vs doing too much.  

      I want to be honest with my friend and tell her how I feel.
      I don’t know whether I should or not. She did make one comment during shopping and apologized for being rude.
      The last occurance in the car made me want to get out and walk home.  She was talking about her sister and her attempts at suicide years ago. When she mentioned that it was a crime to commit suicide I said,“A crime?” Her reaction was quite strong and she nearly yelled,“Don’t you think killing yourself is a crime!!!!!”  Note that I was gentle when I asked.

      So, do I tell her, not tell her, my feelings?

      Anyone else with advice out there???




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jacquie6363 wrote Dec 14, 2008
    • There is definitely something deeply embedded that is troubling her and she needs to release it.  The first day might have been some pent up feelings/anger from a situation she was escaping for a few days, the last day, she was probably returning to face that same situation again and the anticipation might have unnerved her.

      Yes, you should talk to her.  Let her know that you are there for her and that her behaviour really did hurt you.  She needs to know that you are there for her, if you cannot help physcially, you are there with emotional support.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Dec 14, 2008
    • She is really kind to others, and was always kind to me. She is a wonderful Christian and does lots of things for her church. I know she has lots of irons in the fire... could this be the problem? If so, does this give permission for her attitude?  If I say something to her she may not even realize she has acted this way. On the first and last day I felt like I was with a stranger.  Honestly, I had thought that I never wanted to talk to her again after the last day. All I could do was stare ahead in the car, in both shock and hurt. I did not even want to look at this stranger who was once my friend.

      I am sorry Teeky that you have had to endure this with your motherfrown     I pray that time does not alter our personalities.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jacquie6363 wrote Dec 14, 2008
    • No, her christianity does not give her the right to be that way, but sometimes we may not realize how much our actions might have offended someone else.  Also, remember that when we lash out, we usually lash out and hurt those who are most dear to us.

      Don’t shy away, talk to her, if you do and she doesn’t want to listen and you lose the friendship, just remember that it was probably never meant to be.  If the results are opposite you will be forever grateful that you did




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Inakika wrote Dec 14, 2008
    • With my mom it seems that her anger is aimed more towards my grandmother. My mom has always been a very even tempered person, you might even say she is a pushover at times. But she has really changed towards my grandmother over the years.
      Grandma has dementia and I can’t even imagine what mom goes through day to day having to deal with a parent that has essentially become her child. But at times it’s as if she has forgotten that my grandmother suffers from a disease, she gets so angry with her.
      She hates if my grandmother adds anything to a conversation and she tries to draw you in with her when she makes snide remarks about her.
      My grandmother has a voracious sweet tooth, I hear that happens as some folks become older. She would rather eat cake before she eats food. One time while I was visiting, my mom made me a small loaf cake along with making one for my grandmother. Grandma ate hers immediately, and was kind of eyeballing mine.
      My mother wrapped mine up and told my grandmother not to bother it, because it belongs to Ingrid. Then we left the house to run an errand. I’m sure you guessed what happened, grandma ate a piece of my cake. happy I laughed it off, who cares, she’s 87, no harm no foul. My mom made a HUGE production out of it, saying I was mad at her (grandma) for eating my cake! I got mad at mom! How dare she say that to her? It’s a fricking piece of cake! I could go on but I’ll just shut up now! ohhhh




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Dec 14, 2008
    • My mom is 80. She’s always been cranky. I have 2 siblings and I’m the only one who will call her on it. Consequently, she and I have a very open and candid relationship. It’s been a rough road. I’m the most headstrong of her children and we’ve clashed through the years.

      But, now she discloses that she appreciates being able to talk with me about uncomfortable subjects, like aging. She opens up to me like she can’t open up to my siblings. They don’t like talking about “unpleasant” things.

      There’s hope for you and your mom. Start by being open about how you feel but focus more on concern for her well being than your hurt over her words. That could open some really wonderful communication between you two.




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