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Benefits
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Benefits
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Have you ever caught yourself acting or talking like your mother and you‘re determined not to be like her? Sorry, this is a negative question.
I do love my mother, but she was verbally abusive to me in my teens and young adulthood. When I became a mother, I was determined not to use hurtful words to my own daughter and if I disagreed with her I would approach things in a positive way. Since I wasn’t like my mom, my daughter grew up with a lot of confidence in herself.
Several years ago I confronted my mom, but she’s in denial and things are mellow now, but she just can’t be nice to me or others sometimes. I’ve learned to accept it.
First, Linda I’m sorry that you have these memories of childhood. I know it’s hurtful even as an adult to go back there. My mom was very harsh and critical growing up and I just honestly felt she didn’t love me. Things are better now that she’s 82 and reflecting on her life but I don’t think I’ll ever get an apology from her or even achnowledgment of how she treated me. Our relationship has been healed and I visit her often while I still have her.
And, yes, I find myself exhibiting some of her least desirable traits at times. And, yes, it bothers me.
Thanks Cynthia. I forgot to completely answer my own question. I have caught myself having one of her bad traits and I get upset that I’m somewhat like her and then will change it.
I find myself saying a lot of things that sound just like my mother, and I hate it. I’ve especially noticed it since my daughter moved here and we’ve been spending more time together. I catch myself saying things that my mom would. 
Tulip
..ner wwwe
Im sorry ladies my mom was never abusive verbally. The memories I have are wonderful of her. She was kind but very firm. At 16 and a half, a half year after my sister was born they told my mom she had MS. That changed her comletely. But I do find myself saying things she did and thats not a bad idea. She didnt get verbal till she was up and hobbly.
What I use to say was more like my dad.” do u want me otake u are not the only
im sorry im getting so tierd lately that is it didnt make senceI feel asleepand hoe to stop it tosay is
Linda, I stopped talking to my mother because she was so negative and verbally abusive.
She’d tell me I couldn’t do something because it was “too much responsibilty for me” even as I was actually doing it. She didn’t have her own self esteem to believe that women are capable of being an office manager in a well paid job and buy a car on their own, as I was doing. But that isn’t why I stopped talking to her. It was her “religion” and I committed the ultimate sin of talking about the sexual abuse and physical violence of the men she marri-
ed. She wasn’t a mother at that point.
I am not my mother and will not talk to anyone as she did, I love too much to do it to ‘em.
;oD
Cathie
Kudos to you Cathie, for talking about the abuse. And Linda, I am sorry for your experiences. There is something so primal about the mother/daughter dynamic, that we carry it with us all of our lives.
My mother was a Jesus Freak. Or thats’ what I call it, she was actually a very conservative,very strict traditional Catholic. Everything was seen thru the lens of her version of righteousness. If you were “behaving properly” and had “a good and holy attitude” things were ok. But if not...well my mother has not spoken to me since 1984 because she believes I am going to hell. Since I do not live her lifestyle and believe her lifestyle to be unhealthy, she has shunned me and my family for 25 yrs. In retrospect, I miss her. I know I was loved. I just could not meet her expectations for my life. However, it is my life and I cannot live it by her expectations. I really miss my 4 sisters. They live like my mother and they are all close. I am the black sheep. I am very aware of the destructive aspects of her mothering and I avoid them.
I wish her well, I just won’t be like her.
I can’t say that I had a leave it to beaver childhood-I grew up with a manic depressive mother where the treatment left her forgetful and hateful...I do find myself using the techniques at times and have to back up ...I understand now why she did what she did
and as a parent-I find that some of her methods do work, but not necessarily to the extent she used them..Thankfully now, with the advances in medications, she is a person I would like to know more of..she can actually be fun to be around..
I raised my two children as opposite of her methods as possible, and it turned out half right..lol...so maybe she wasnt all wrong?
We are our Mother’s Daughters...and look at it this way...If what she did wasn’t effective or make an impression on you-would you still do the same things?...and is the impression you were left with -the same impression you want to leave your children with?..Not a negative question, but one i think we all look at from time to time...
Thanks ladies for sharing. Cathie, sorry to know what you had to go thru. Kathryn, my mom had expectations for me and I too could not meet them. My mom is Japanese and
I did not want to live her “asian way” and she was always bragging that when she was young, she was so beautiful and so many men courted her, she was disappointed that I wasn’t beautiful and frequently told me that as long as I’m fat and ugly, no man would ever want you. Many said I was a beautiful bride, yet my mom just belittled me. I can go on and on. I’m sorry that she haven’t seen your family for so long. Hopefully, someday that time will come.
Sandra, regarding your question. Since I am so bitter about my mom, sadly I have left an negative impression to my daughter about her grandma. Fortunately, my daughter understands what I went thru and she and her grandma do get along. I do love my mom, besides her negative ways, there were some good times. I’m trying to work on forgiveness.
Kudos to us all! We can talk about our personal experiences which is part of our healing and moving on.
Love you all you amazing women!
Cathie
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