Don't have an account? To participate in discussions consider signing up or signing in
facebook connect
Sign-up, its free! Close [x]

Benefits

  • okay Create lasting relationships with other like minded women.
  • okay Blogging, let your voice be heard!
  • okay Interact with other women through blogs,questions and groups.
  • okay Photo Album, upload your most recent vacation pictures.
  • okay Contests, Free weekly prize drawing.
  • okay Weekly Newsletter.

Q & A

How do you handle a child who just can’t seem to become self-sufficient? My grown son (23) can’t hold down a job or keep a place to live and I always end up letting him come back on a temp basis but I’m getting real sick of it. What should I do?




Answer this See more Questions

View All Answers

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jo46 wrote Oct 28, 2010
    • Tell him he has to “couch surf” on friends couches because your not going to let him come back.  Then give him the number of the nearest food pantry.  It has to be tough...I will prayer for him and for you.  Don’t give up and definitely don’t give in!




            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Lazylola wrote Oct 28, 2010
    • Make the house rules unappealing....




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tuliplady wrote Oct 28, 2010
    • I can imagine you‘re getting really sick of this.  It would drive me crazy.  I couldn’t even stand it when school got out for the summer and my 15 yr old didn’t have a job, I’d go nuts if he was 23 and not holding down a job.

      I agree with Jo and Ruby.

      Tulip




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Oct 28, 2010
    • Oh, gosh, where do I start on this? My stepdaughter has become our worst nightmare. she’s 29. I’m completely done with her. And, she’s never coming back to our home - she left about 3 weeks ago. But, as a parent, her dad is so worried about her. It’s such a double edged sword. My heart goes out to you and I really hope and pray he’s going through a very short lived phase. We‘re here for you!




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anne E wrote Oct 28, 2010
    • This is such a tough one Angell.  You want him to become self sufficient, but what is the best way for that to happen?  If he lives on the street, he’ll never get a job.  I don’t know what to tell you except I’m supporting you and praying for a good resolution to your problem.




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheekymonkey wrote Oct 29, 2010
    • ohhhh I guess I have an different thought.hmmmmm I guess I would let him have shelter and food but I wouldnt give money for fun stuff. Wouldnt pay any of his bills either. List chores for him to do in replacement of rent money. If chores not done treat like an eviction. But the thought of one of my kids being homeless....i couldnt do.
      Id try to help withoutbeing a push over but there is a time of enough is enough.
      Im sorry its easier to say than do and ive been blessed I havent had to do.
      So, im sorry this really didnt help.
      I wish u alot of sucess and know u are the only one that knows what is right 4 ur familyheart




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Angell Law wrote Oct 29, 2010
    • I tried the tough love approach with him and let him stay at the shelter for a couple of weeks but then I gave in and let him come back to my house. It was hard for me to go sleep every night knowing he was sleeping on a cot next to God knows who. He is working now but already he is talking about looking for another job. I also have been waking him up because he doesn’t get up when his alarm goes off...he has to be at work by 5:30 a.m. I figure if he loses his job for being late before he moves out of here then he will have to extend his stay and I don’t want that. I’m so tired of listening to all his excuses about everything and blaming the world for whatever is wrong in his life. Gosh...when is he going to get it together?!?!?!

      Thank you for the advice ladies...and for your support!




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Richardson wrote Oct 29, 2010
    • Sorry, but get even tougher pack his things sit them out on the curb get your keys and tell him to make a start for himself and don’t look back who knows us better than our own children, they know how to get us they know our serious and sensitive sides, and they will play on them. He knows you‘re going to be there to catch him if he doesn’t work or try harder than he is, so what you must do in order to help him is make him help himself by NOT being there, he is too old for this and he is NOT going to be any good for any woman in his future if you keep allowing him to do what he is doing to you. I don’t mean to sound harsh but the truth is the light he is just wanting to be sorry because you are allowing it, if you stopped doing what you for him he will have no other recourse but to get it together, trust me he will if YOU allow him to do so. Yes it hurts to see our children go through hard times, but hell we went through it and made it right?, ok well our children are no different they have to go through the bad in order to get to the good and learn that life is not going to always be good you must go through the rough roads and its ok, we also must remember that we will not alway be around for our kids so they need to learn the basic survival skills for life ASAP! I’m saying all this in love, and not to offend you or anyone else but its so true, sometimes we are parents can hinder our childrens growth more than we know.

      "Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do... but how much love we put in that action Mother Teresa."




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mindy Wilson wrote Oct 29, 2010
    • Oh my this is would be one of my biggest fears. I pray that I am teaching my children to be independent and productive. I cannot imagine how hard this would be.

      Mindy

      http://groovyinclinations.com  Funky art, lamps, stationery, photography

      http://mindywilson.scentsy.us Star Scentsy Consultant Try Safe Scents!




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marilyn09 wrote Oct 29, 2010
    • I have the same problem. I know what you are going through. When I put my foot down my daughter lived in her car and begged for money. It made me sick.heartbreak

      I dont know what the answer is to this question. I dont know what God wants me to do. So I keep on letting her stay because its the only thing that feels right to me.
      I talk her ear off about responsibility and she rolls her eyes at me because she knows everything I have to say.
      I dont know what I did that she turned out this way.

      All I know for sure is that I will be keeping an eye on these postings to see if anyone did something that worked for their young adults.




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Diane17 wrote Oct 29, 2010
    • I don’t have any advice for you but my brother is facing a similar situation with his son who is 21 and can’t seem to hold a job and won’t go to school.  He’s still at home and my brother just recently went thru a divorce so it’s been really hard and frustrating for him.




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Angell Law wrote Oct 29, 2010
    • Marilyn I always wonder the same thing about what I did to make my son be the way he is. But I think at some point our kids have to take responsibility for their own lives and in my son’s case stop blaming everyone and everything when things don’t go his way. It’s so hard to know what the right thing to do is. Neicy...I know where you are coming from and I agree with you that I need to get tougher but unless you are actually faced with a situation like this it is not an easy thing to do. It’s hard for a mother to see her child struggling and not catch him when he falls or see him hungry and not feed him. But on the same hand I do know something has to give, otherwise he will be living with me until he’s 30 and I just can’t have that. Sometimes I just feel like screaming...it’s so frustrating!




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marilyn09 wrote Oct 29, 2010
    • what is going on that I keep overwriting.
      I notice that I misspell a word and I fix it to discover that I am writing over what I just wrote? So then I try backspacing and it moves my perfectly fine sentence to a spot that they get overwritten too.

      I am trying to tell a story here! LOL estatic estatic




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marilyn09 wrote Oct 29, 2010
    • I used word.
      In the past, I have thought many times about what Niecy said.

      Trust that she can fly and she will, type of thing.
      The problem with my daughter is that she is still juvenile in her thinking. Like, she is still a beginner. Immature.
      How can I teach her to be responsible? No matter how you look at it either I am giving her a free ride or strangers will if she begs long enough.

      In regards to kicking her out... I think she is not right in the head, not disabled, Just juvenile and immature.  Her thoughts are unique and selfish.  But she doesn't see it as selfishness. She sees herself as the most giving person she knows and she can't understand why she gets fired for being late almost every single day because when she works she gives 110%. "Don't they see that?" she asks.
      ("They need a body to open the door!", "I want your body to help my body do the work otherwise my body does all the work") When will she learn?
      I try so many ways to get her to understand.

      She can't understand why a friend won't accept her apology when she has done everything for them. (it doesn’t mean that you can disrespect them)

      I want her to stop being lazy. I want her to enjoy life and stop hanging around the house.
      I do not give her money or even let her use the computer unless in fair trade.
      She knows to not even ask.
      She will try, "can I use the computer so that I can look for a job?"
      "When you clean up the house and vacuum the floor"
      "But then it will be too late"
      "Not for me- it wont be" "If anything, you are already late in getting my job done, its supposed to be done before I get home"
      She rolls her eyes cuz she knows all I have to say And she is mad at herself for opening that flood gate.
      "Can I borrow money so that I can look for work"
      "when you clean up the house and vacuum the floor" ..... and on it goes.

      I believe that one day it will sink in. I really do.
      Sometimes, my deeper, most inner part of me hopes that God gave her to us because we are persistent and he knows that she is immature. And someone has to help her figure this out as consistently, patiently and defiantly as we can.

      But as far as dealing with her FN ego. OMG I have no idea what to do about that.




            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Richardson wrote Oct 29, 2010
    • Ang68, I have been there and went through that with my youngest daughter at the age of 18 she thought she was old enough to disrespect me, my hubby and our home and didn’t want to follow house rules or help with her portion of the household chores so she got the boot out on her butt yes it hurts to see our children suffer but it also hurts to see them NOT be productive citizens able to fend for themselves, I know how you feel because I was once in your shoes but I help my ground and to this very day she is doing quite well for herself she is now 26.

      "Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do... but how much love we put in that action Mother Teresa."




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marilyn09 wrote Oct 29, 2010
    • Where did she go?




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Angell Law wrote Oct 29, 2010
    • Marilyn I completely understand about your daughter. I have refused to let my son to use the computer anymore while he is staying with me. I found loads of porn sites that he had been on. He was supposed to be on the computer to fill out apps for schools or look for “better jobs” but instead was on these other sites. So I took that privilege away and he can’t understand why. I told him he will now have to go the library if he needs to use the computer. He’s been working at this new job now for a couple of weeks but has yet to start saving any money or looking for a place to stay. My son is also very immature and thinks he knows better than everyone. Can you believe it...he’s homeless and broke and thinks he’s got life all figured out. He won’t even go get his drivers license. He had his permit...failed the road test three times and just gave up. I also believe it will sink in one day...I just thought it would have happened by now...he’s 23!

      Neicy I should have known you were speaking from experience. Sometimes when a person is going through these kinds of issues you don’t realize that others have gone through it too. I appreciate your advice and I am so glad you daughter is doing wonderfully in her life now...that’s a blessing! That gives me hope for my son. I need to stand my ground as you did. Thanks for sharing that with me my friend. happy




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Msj wrote Oct 30, 2010
    • I like the couch surf idea. my son did it got sick of it then managed to find his own place ... still has much growing to do but...
      Just don’t lwt him guilt you.
      if he has legitimate emotional issues be there as much as you can with out enabling but withou letting him guilt you.




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Richardson wrote Oct 30, 2010
    • heartheart Thanks and you‘re more than welcomed my friend, My blessings to you and your family, keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, its not easy being a parent, parenting has no manual and we all make mistakes in doing but we must help our children and not hinder them.

      "Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do... but how much love we put in that action Mother Teresa."




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kyah wrote Oct 30, 2010
    • He’s playing you like a fiddle and love is blinding you to his game. I agree with Lazy Lola. Make your house like boot camp. Pay rent and help with the utilities, keep a job, lights and tv out at a certain hour, no visitors, no cable, get and maintain own phone, buy own food, and if he wants to get fired from his job, tell him the right thing to do is find a new job and give the old one notice. Being fired does not look good on a resume. Even if you have to use a circuit breaker to make your point, do it, he’s overstayed his welcome and needs a rude awakening.




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cathie Beck wrote Oct 31, 2010
    • My sister told her 22 year old son that he was leaving by a certain date, so get a job or join the military... he was going to be out of her house! He was immature, lazy, sighed, rolled his eyes, etc when told to do some chores. He ended up joining the army to learn to be a computer tech and it’s made him grow up, he’s doing well and happy.  

      Cathie




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marya1961 wrote Nov 1, 2010
    • My prayers go out to you, Ang!...set up some quick rules and stick by them for the time being..do you see similarities in him and his father?  I remember you mentioning about your ex and his problem..have you asked him if he is using?..it sounds like he needs a major intervention and it may take more than what you can do, possibly seeking professional help for him.




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Karyn Olson wrote Nov 1, 2010
    • My 27 yr old lives with me...but it is more of a convenience for both of us...we share ALL the expenses and do our own thing...I do have a few rules that need to be followed...no men sleeping over is the number one...no drugs or alcohol and clean up after yourself...I do get frustrated though at times as she is a very messy person...and I am the complete opposite...but we manage to work through it...seems to work for us...but eventually I would like to live on my own...when I don’t know...but I am looking forward to it.




            Report  Reply


Ask a Question






mature content submit as anonymous