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anonymous Anonymous

Q & A

I am 47 and was in an extremely unhealthy, emotionally abusive relationship with a 58 year old man for 3 years.I am embarassed to say he was an ex-con with prior drug, domestic violence and burglery offenses and had never had a stable relationship with a woman other than a one year marriage at age 40, which also ended.  He lived and probably still lives in a ratty unfinished basement in his Mother’s home for believe it  or not, ten years.  He is an alcoholic and drug addict. His mother enables him I believe. I cannot figure out why on earth a man would even live like that.  He tried to move in with me, but refused to pay rent, so I would never let him move in! The only smart thing I did. He also never worked, only odd jobs. He was a two time felon. I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts on why I would choose such a loser or think I could have a relationship with him. I know that I have issues from my past abuse,but I was wondering if anyone had any experience regarding bad choices like this. I also had him locked up for a year for violating probation, as I had called the Police on him for threatening me twice.




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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      My42 wrote Dec 26, 2010
    • Dear friend, first, I would say that you are attach to vicious circle. Is good that you are realizing the problem. second, you are the only one that have the power to break through this vicious circle and ask yourself this is what I want for me? search in your heart how you would like to be threat it. Third, stay as far you can from this man. Fourth, find really good friends that love you and give you support and definetly look for God to give you guidance. happy




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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Cheekymonkey wrote Dec 26, 2010
    • frownIn the beginning you probally felt like your love could change him.... then it became a thing of embarrassment to admit it over and over to your friends. then you had a moment of strength and had him locked up...why didnt you stay away after he was released I would think that you didnt allow yourself to grow and become independant in your self as long as learning to love yourself, even respect yourself enough to shut him out when he was released.
      I didnt. not then at least....but I did when I truely had enough. that was almost 21 years ago now.
      I have now been in a healthy marriage for almost 19 years now. you can do it!!! dont be embarrassed but now is the time to surround yourself with strong, loving caring people even if its a support group.
      this is your out by posting here. take it and be happy my fab sister.
      good luck
      cris




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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Richardson wrote Dec 27, 2010
    • Just to say NO ONE can change anyone, they individual has to want change for themselves and make the necessary moves for the change, I personally feel you need to cut your losses and keep it moving as far away fro mthis person as possible it sounds to me that he and his mom are happy with their lives the way it is so be it let them be and move on with your and forget them both for you wealth, health and well being.




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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Cathie Beck wrote Dec 27, 2010
    • It sometimes happens that we women feel loving a man that is not good for us will end up
      with him wanting to change because they love us. It doesn’t happen. All that happens is we end up losing bits and pieces of ourselves.  

      Maybe you felt rejected by some one that were “suppose” to love you? Or maybe the “boy
      bad” appeal of this man is a rebellion of some sort. You have to decide what is behind the choice of him.  

      All the best wishes for you!  

      Cathie




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Dec 27, 2010
    • I am thinking you must have no self respect or confidence. I am not trying to be mean but why else would you put yourself through all that?

      YOU are worthy! I know it without even knowing WHO you areheart




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marya1961 wrote Dec 28, 2010
    • I completely agree with My42!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Dorothy L. Davis wrote Dec 28, 2010
    • Sweetie, first and foremost, lets stop talking about him. Lets focus on YOU! Ok, you made an unhealthy choice in men, lots of women have. The key is have you learned your lesson from it; if not you will repeat it.  

      How was your childhood? From reading your question, I felt it was not good or so so. We repeat what is learned growing up. If the male figure in the household representing ‘dad’ did not treat you well, then you will replicate that with men you deal with. If mom allowed herself to be treated like garbage, had a low opinion of herself, we women can replicate that too because this was the person who raised us. What can be learned, can be unlearned for the better.  

      Overall, self love is the key and it begins with YOU! One of the most powerful books I have read is You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay. Please pick up a copy and devour it. Trust me, it can help you, if you allow yourself to be helped. Get with a support group and stick with it, like this one. Look at all the love you are getting from these marvelous ladies!! Get support face to face with someone who is healthier, someone who won’t sugar coat nothing and give you the truth with love of course.  

      I feel in my heart that you can do this because you want to by just posting your heart out here. Take care and stay in touch!heartheart




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Msj wrote Dec 29, 2010
    • a therapist explained it to me this way
      Have you heard of re enactment therapy? children use dolls to reenact the abusivive situation, they can heal.
      As adults we don’t use dolls—we use people....I had to learn and process a lot of things....




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