To Save Or Not To Save A Marriage
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
“the marriage doctors”

Authors of the “Best Relationship Book of 2008” INDIE Book Awards Gold Medal Winner
Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage
Available at GoldenAnniversaries.com, BarnesandNoble.com, and at Bookstores

We have said for many years, “Most marriages and relationships can be saved, but not all!” And our corollary has always been – “Most marriages and relationships are worth saving, but not all!” Here’s what we mean.

In the case of abuse – sexual, physical, mental – many failing marriages and relationships are simply not worth saving. In fact, to attempt to save them puts one or both partners in the relationship at risk for further abuse.

Frankly, we know that some marriages and relationships are not worth saving. And do you know how hard this statement is to make for people like us – the eternal optimists who always see a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow—who always see a silver lining? Unfortunately, the truth is the truth when it comes to love and life . . . and marriage.

Our six decades of life and nearly three decades of research on the topics of love and marriage, tell us that some relationships become so poisoned, so dysfunctional, and so hopeless, that it is better to end them than to operate under the illusion that they are worth saving or can be saved.

We recently interviewed a young American couple that had been married for 14 years. It was clear from the beginning of the interview that this was not a match made in heaven. In fact, this marriage had failed so miserably that the only just and decent thing to do was end it. End it now! No amount of counseling and therapy, no amount of praying, and no amount of hoping were going to save this marriage.

For 14 years, the husband had “mentally abused” his wife. He discounted her every word. He made her feel insignificant by his words, his deeds, and by his actions. And even though his wife was pursuing a doctoral degree at one of America’s most prestigious universities, he treated her like she was some kind of dumb cluck – someone capable of nothing significant, lasting, or meaningful.

When we interviewed them, it became clear to us that she had had enough. She had had enough of his disrespect, his belittling, his mental abuse, and his coldness. She had finally decided that if she were to have any life at all, their marriage and their relationship would have to become history. So, she decided to end it.

The truth is, the mental anguish she suffered over the years had taken its toll – on her, her three children, and on her marital relationship. She asked us the most profound question of all – “How can I continue to live with a man that makes me feel so worthless, so insignificant, and so meaningless. How can I continue to live with a man that respects me so little?”

Her questions reveal the truth of all this. Sometimes it is just time to move on. Sometimes, to save your soul you have to free yourself of all that is oppressive. Sometimes, you must remove the albatross around your neck if you have any hope of living out your life with happiness, hope, self-respect, and meaningfulness.

Sometimes, you simply must move on with your life before it is too late. For the couple we interviewed, her time had come. The action she must take was clear. The action she must take to save her soul and the souls of her three children became clear to her – if she had any hope at all for her life and her children’s life, the time to move on was now!
The simple truth is, some marriages and relationships should not and cannot be saved.

As harsh and evident as this truth is, it cannot be avoided in the case of some marriages and relationships. And in the end, when you have exhausted the solutions available to you, you simply must cut the tithes that bind.

For 26 years, we have interviewed couples around the world and across cultures and continents. Most of the time we have concluded that most marriages and relationships can and should be saved – but not all! When you can look in the mirror and honestly and truthfully say that you did your best to save your relationship with another human being, but to no avail, then ending it is the right thing to do. Life is too short to waste it in torment, in abuse, and in lost love.

Save yourself. Love well.

Love Ipanema Style

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
“the marriage doctors”
Authors of the “Best Relationship Book of 2008” INDIE Book Awards Gold Medal Winner
Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage
Available at GoldenAnniversaries.com, BarnesandNoble.com, and at Bookstores

We spent another splendid day in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil seeking the answer to the question, “Why does such a passionate and romantic country like Brazil have a divorce rate only about 20% of the divorce rate of the United States?” Our travels and interviews are getting us closer to the answers to that question.

As a refresher to our current travels, check out our article “Marriage In Brazil” on our website. This article will give you the backdrop to our current research focus in Rio.

We have already interviewed several successfully married couples in Rio and have others scheduled for this coming week. But today, we decided to go to the famous Rio de Janeiro restaurant called A Garota de Ipanema, formerly called Veloso Bar, for lunch to get a better understanding of the culture. If neither name rings a bell; let’s take a short trip down memory lane together.

Back in the 1962, a Brazilian songwriter by the name of Antonio Carlos Jobim collaborated with fellow Brazilian, poet Vinicius de Moraes, to write a wonderful bossa nova song entitled, “The Girl from Ipanema” (A Garota de Ipanema). The English lyrics were written later by American songwriter, Norman Gimbel.

Over the years the song has been performed by Frank Sinatra, Astrud Gilberto, Madonna, and Stan Getz to name a few, and by numerous female artists, including Shirley Bassey, Petula Clark, Ella Fitzgerald, and The Supremes, as “The Boy from Ipanema.” “The Girl from Ipanema” as performed by Astrud Gilberto and Stan Getz, won a Grammy for Record of the Year in 1965.

The Girl from Ipanema goes like this:

_Tall and tan and young and lovely,
The girl from Ipanema goes walking.
And when she passes, each one she passes goes – ah!_

_When she walks, she’s like a samba
That swings so cool and sways so gentle.
That when she passes, each one she passes goes – ooh!_

_Ooh, but I watch her so sadly.
How can I tell her I love her?
Yes, I would give my heart gladly._

_But each day, when she walks to the sea,
She looks straight ahead, not at me._

_Tall and tan and young and lovely
The girl from Ipanema goes walking.
And when she passes, I smile – but she doesn’t see._

_She just doesn’t see.
She never sees me.
She never sees me._

The lyricist, Moraes, later described “The Girl from Ipanema” as “the exemplar of the raw Carioca: a golden-tanned girl, a mixture of flower and mermaid, full of brightness and grace, the sight of whom is also sad, in that she carries with her, on her route to the sea, the feeling of beauty that fades, of the beauty that is not ours alone — it is a gift of life in its constant, beautiful and melancholic ebb and flow.”

After talking with and observing the Carioca’s (people who live in Rio de Janeiro) for the past several days we have concluded that they are not only attractive and vibrant, but they have insights and perspectives about love, marriage and life that we could learn much from.

Here are the lessons we have learned so far:

1.To the Cariocas, family matters above all else. We have been amazed to see so many extended families walking down the streets of Rio, in the neighborhoods, and on the beaches together. As we sat today at A Garota de Ipanema, we watched members of multiple generations embracing, chatting, and laughing as they gathered at the street corners and outdoor restaurants. It is not uncommon at all to see Grandma, Grandpa, husband and wife, their children, uncles, aunts and other members of the family being together on their strolls.

2.When we ask them why divorce is so low in their country they tell us that they surround each other with love, and when times get tough in their relationship, they support each other – they surround each other and their extended family with love. How can you get divorced within that context? The message here is this – we are a family and families stay together. Divorce is out of the question for most. Just work it out. Seek the support of your extended family and all things are possible. There are lessons to be learned from the Cariocas.

3.As beautiful as the “Girl from Ipanema” was, beauty does not last forever. There is an ebb and flow to life. Being beautiful does not sustain life or love. In the end, what sustains us is our love for each other and the support of our extended family. To hold the love of others in our heart is to value love above all else – above beauty, above youth, above position in life.

When the girl from Ipanema goes walking by she might capture your love, but her beauty will not sustain that love. True love is sustained when two people commit to each other their lives, their love, and their sacred honor.

The lesson the Cariocas have taught us about marriage is that divorce is usually not an option for them because their entire extended family values the sanctity of marriage and surrounds each couple with sustaining support and love.

Our trip so far has been enjoyable and eye opening. We will report more of our findings later in the week.

Love Well!

In Love The Simple Things Matter

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
“the marriage doctors”
Authors of the “Best Relationship Book of 2008” INDIE Book Awards Gold Medal Winner
Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage
Available at GoldenAnniversaries.com, BarnesandNoble.com, and at Bookstores

Twenty-five years of research on successful love and marriage has taught us many things, but first and foremost – no love has blossomed or been sustained without doing the “simple things.” Big things don’t matter until your relationship has mastered the art of doing the simple things day in and day out in your relationship with another human being whom you purport to love.

All too often in life, people make assumptions about love and relationships that do not stand up under scrutiny – that are not supported by the available evidence. So, what are the facts?

One of the great misconceptions of all time about love and relationships is this – just do the “big” things and everything will turn out well. And what do the Big Things include? For starters the list includes “having financial stability in your relationship,” “being in love is all that matters,” “having a good job and a house in the suburbs,” and so it goes. But the truth is, these “Big Things” are important, but they are only a by-product of “doing the simple things.” Here’s what we mean.

It is an established fact – successful love is based on an accumulation of the “simple things.” If you want your marriage and your relationship to succeed, just do the simple things! Do them day in and day out. When your relationship has mastered the “simple things” you have a chance to make it work. You have a chance to make it last. But if you don’t, well, failure is an option.

There is another important fact of life when it comes to love and relationships – there will be big challenges to address in your relationships, of that you can be sure. You might have to deal with financial setbacks, serious illness, the loss of a job, or the death of a loved one. And trust us on this – if your relationship with the one you love has mastered the art of doing the simple things day in and day out, the likelihood of your relationship making it through the tough times are multiplied many times over.

So what are these simple things? Here are a few: always showing respect for the one you love; saying I love you many times a day; engaging in simple acts of kindness (breakfast in bed, flowers on non-special occasions; opening doors for them, etc.); giving your lover lots of daily hugs; treating them with courtesy at all times; helping clean up the dinner table; sharing financial decisions with them, and the list goes on. Read more about the multitude of simple things that matter in our new book, Simple Things Matter In Love and Marriage, due out in August.

The point is, simple things matter and when you practice doing them, they accumulate. Simple acts add up. And always remember, you can’t keep turning on then turning off doing the simple things. You have to consistently engage in doing the simple things day in and day out. When you do, you will be surprised at how well this simple notion works. Start engaging in them today.

Love well!

The Summer Of Love

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
“the marriage doctors”
Authors of the “Best Relationship Book of 2008” INDIE Book Awards Gold Medal Winner
Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage
Available at GoldenAnniversaries.com, BarnesandNoble.com, and at Bookstores

There is something about the summer that encourages love. Maybe it’s the bright summer sun. It could be the warm summer breeze. Maybe it’s the refreshing summer water! Perhaps, it is the summer vacation. And isn’t baseball played mostly in the summer?

Whatever the cause, it appears that most people fall in love during the summer and get married during the summer – more than in any other season of the year. In fact, the research data we have collected over the years for our new book, Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage, reveals that the months of June, July, August, and September are the most popular months to get married. Needless to say, we have often wondered why. Why all this Summer Love?

Recently, we came upon a statement by Simran Khurana that we just love. It goes like this: “Summer has always been considered to be the most romantic of the four seasons. The clear skies, the blazing sun, the gentle summer breeze, and the lazy afternoons flavor the season with passion and warm love.”

We think Simran has it right. Summer is the most romantic of the four seasons. The seed of love is planted in the spring, and when it is properly nurtured, it will blossom in the summer. Love can be felt in every corner of the world during the warm summer months. Couples just seem to appear everywhere—holding hands, wrapping each other in hugs, exchanging kisses and fondly gazing into each other’s eyes. Ah, the Summer of Love—there is nothing like it!

“Love is to the heart what the summer is to the farmer’s year—it brings to harvest all the loveliest flowers of the soul.” We don’t know the source of this quote but we refer to it often when talking about A Summer Of Love. We are particularly captivated by the notion of harvesting “the loveliest flowers of the soul.” Here’s what we think it means.

When Charley was a child, he always marveled at the bountiful harvest his grandparents, uncles, and aunts were capable of bringing forth in the fall of the year. Wheat was beautiful and golden. The corn was ten feet high! The crops they planted and harvested in the rich bottomlands along the Missouri River were simply amazing. But why, he would often ask? What’s so special about this place? Charley quickly learned the answer.

Crops planted in the spring and nourished by the rains grew to gargantuan proportions in the rich soil along the river. And by the end of summer, the crops grew tall, they grew healthy, and they were ripe for the harvest.

Summer Love shares all of these characteristics. Love springs eternal in the spring and is nourished by the rain. But always remember, it grows under the warm sun of summer! Love comes to fruition in the summer. It grows to gargantuan proportions. Summer makes love ripe for the harvest. Summer is the season of love. It is the Summer of Love.

Life is fragile. Life is uncertain. Life is not forever. Love today. Hug someone tonight. In love and life, there is nothing more important than having someone to love, and someone who loves you. Enjoy your Summer of Love.

Being in love – there is nothing like it. There is nothing that can trump it. There is nothing more important in life than finding someone to love – someone to truly love.

The truth is, if we all had our Summer of Love there would be no violence, no heartbreak, no disaffection, no scorn or hate – there would be only love and peace.

Go be in love. There is nothing like it.

Love well!

Find An Ideal Husband?

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
“the marriage doctors”
Authors of the “Best Relationship Book of 2008” INDIE Book Awards Gold Medal Winner
Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage
Available at GoldenAnniversaries.com, BarnesandNoble.com, and at Bookstores

On July 6, Maureen Down wrote an Op-Ed piece for the New York Times entitled, “An Ideal Husband.” Let us say up front that we do not often share the views of Ms. Dowd as we believe her musings tend to be on both the negative and the cynical sides of life, and as you know, we take a much more positive approach when we talk about love and relationships. So what did she say that has us riled? Here’s what.

In her article, Ms. Dowd extensively quotes Father Pat Connor, a 79-year old Catholic priest, born in Australia and based in Bordentown, New Jersey, on his views about finding the ideal husband. In summary here are the thoughts of Father Connor:

1. “Never marry a man who has no friends,”

2. “Does he use money responsibly?

3. “Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours.

4. “Is he overly attached to his mother and her mythical apron strings?

5. “Does he have a sense of humor?

6. “A therapist friend insists that ‘more marriages are killed by silence than by violence.” The strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive.”

7. “Don’t marry a problem character thinking you will change him.”

8. “Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being – the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous?”

Father Connor concludes by saying, “After I regale a group with this talk, the despairing cry goes up: ‘But you’ve eliminated everyone!’ Life is unfair.”

On the surface, all of this seems fun – it seems like good advice. But here is where the Father and Maureen Dowd go wrong – while some of the advice seems good at first glance it has five primary problems:

1. It is not based on any research that would support the notions expounded by the Father (Some of the ideas seem plausible on the surface, but do not pass the research test).

2. It makes love sound like it is some kind of litmus test – some kind of quiz you give to the one you are falling in love with. (Trust us, a quiz of someone you purport to love about these ideas could be a real turnoff!).

3. It belittles and disparages men – it makes it sound as if love is only a one-way street (i.e., she decides as if HE has no choice in the matter).

4. At the risk of offending some of our readers – a celibate priest is not the best judge of what makes for a successful marriage.

5. And finally, on what basis would you judge his answers to the aforementioned questions?

We have studied successful marriage for over 25 years. We report our findings in our new book entitled, Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage (©2008). Of the many discoveries we have made over the years, we know this – finding the one you want to marry is not as simple as Father Connor and Maureen Dowd would like for you to believe. There are no simple questions to ask or elixirs to take. And frankly, with regard to the eight ways that are suggested to find the right husband, what are those answers supposed to be? How do we determine the right answers?

More than anything, finding the one you want to marry is, in the end, a matter of the heart. We believe there are better ways to determine if you have found the right person to marry and if you will read our article entitled How Will I Know I Am In Love? you will find out what they are.

Here are some simple truths:

1. Many men are shy, some are loners, and many are careful whom they select as friends. That doesn’t mean they have no friends, but could be construed that way by the unknowing person as just that.

2. Using money responsibly is important to a marital relationship, no question about it. On the other hand, how does one define responsible use of money? Remember, what is good for the goose is not necessarily good for the gander. In a successful marriage, financial decisions are shared decisions. The successfully married couple ultimately decides what the standard for responsible use of money is.

3. As to running someone’s life, what exactly does that mean? Do not mistake accommodation and acquiescence to your desires as a weakness in a man. Most men have learned to pick and choose their battles. More often than not, when it matters, he will stand up to your demands. Letting you have your way is not a weakness, it is usually a sign of respectfulness from a man. Don’t misinterpret his meaning.

4. Virtually all good men love their mothers. Big deal! And frankly, the old adage that men “marry their mothers” is in many ways true. Their mother’s nurtured them, loved them, cared for them, held their hand, and supported them in time of need. Men could count on their mother’s trust. The notion of an “apron string” is, in fact, mythical in most cases.

5. A good humor is a fine trait in a man. But on the other hand, dismissing everything important with humor is not necessarily a good trait. Laughing off things that are serious isn’t funny. Using cutting or biting humor in their interactions with you is not a virtue.

6. We are baffled by the notion that “the strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive.” Where in the world did this notion come from? Many men are quietly strong. Don’t confuse being quiet with being weak. Many men carefully choose their words, promulgate their thoughts before they speak, avoid arguments and heated discussions for fear of escalation. These are not negative characteristics. Sure, communication is at the heart of most loving relationships, but communication is many faceted. Talking is only one form. Remember, judge a man by his actions and not by his words.

7. It is true that it is very hard to change a person when they become an adult. And yes, it is a bad idea to marry someone who is not “a man of character” and then thinking you can change him into becoming one. On the other hand, imagine all of the men of the world who would have missed out on so many of life’s opportunities if they did not meet a loving, nurturing, and supportive women who helped them become a better person by overcoming their shortcomings. Lost souls find their way many times because of the love of a women. To suggest that women should run away from men who are still finding their way in life is silly – and destructive.

8. Good men do forgive, give praise, and are courteous. But praise for a bad deed, forgiveness for the unforgivable, and courteousness to those who abuse them or cheat on them, are not virtues. And sometimes, men use these “traits” to get things they don’t deserve. There are no black or whites answers here. In the end, the actions of a man speak far more loudly than his words.

It is not simple and there are no magic answers to knowing when you have found an ideal husband. The love between two people develops differentially, of that you can be sure. But in the end, being in love is the prerequisite to everything in a marital relationship. If you understand when you are truly in love all things are possible.

Love well!

Dancing For Love

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
“the marriage doctors”
Authors of the “Best Relationship Book of 2008” INDIE Book Awards Gold Medal Winner
Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage
Available at GoldenAnniversaries.com, BarnesandNoble.com, and at Bookstores

A Texas friend of ours swears that great love comes to those who dance. And guess what, he makes a very compelling case!

For those of you that have read our new book, Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage, you will recall our chapter called “The Loving Touch.”

In a nutshell, we have concluded that one of the seven secrets of a successful loving relationship is touching. If you pass the one you love 100 times a day, touch them! Touching acknowledges the presence of the one you love and tells them, “I love you so much I simply must touch you.”

We base this finding about “touching” on our study of 15,000 years of successful marriage – marriages we studied across cultures and continents, across ethnicities, and across the socio-economic spectrum. Touching is a very important part of love. All successful loving relationships thrive on the human touch by the one they love and the one who loves them.

Dancing is a great example of touching. We have written endlessly about the Tango, a dance we call the “dance of love.” When we traveled to Buenos Aires, Argentina recently we were blown away by the exotic and loving nature of the Tango. They dance it on the street, in Tango clubs like Senor Tango, and at home! In fact, we were so enamored with the Tango, we wrote a chapter in our book about it entitled “It Takes Two To Tango.”

Now, here is where this all comes together. The great marriages and loving relationships we have studied demonstrate the power of touch in the loving relationship. Relationships that touch the most, love the most. We are convinced of that!

And secondly, we are absolutely convinced of this important axiom – it takes two to Tango. You cannot Tango by yourself. In so many ways, the Tango is the essence of so many successful loving relationships. In the best marriages and loving relationships we have studied, “I” and “me” and “you” becomes “we” and “us” and “our.”

So you now see why dancing is such a great way to find love, to be in love, and to enjoy love. Our Texas friend is a smart guy!

Every loving relationships hits bumps in the road. Sometimes those bumps turn into earthquakes! The point is, even the best relationships have moments when they hit a wall – when they are full of despair and angst. In our opinion, based on years of research and observation, these periods strengthen these relationships. Do not despair!

Here is what you do next time your relationship is down and when your relationship has lost some of its romance – go dancing! Whatever your favorite music venue is, find it and go dancing. Whether it is Big Band, Tango, Country Dancing, Samba, the Cha Cha, Disco, Waltz, Swing, or the Salsa, just go dancing! You will spend the night touching the one you love, sharing wonderful and sensual moments together, and regaining once again the magic of why you are in love because it does take Two to Tango.

Ah, Love by Dancing – is there anything better? And as we always say, in love and marriage the simple things matter. A great relationship can be improved by simple acts. Just go dancing!

Love well!