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  • Why me?

    Posted on Friday, July 6, 2012

    I am 40 years old and just had my third child who is now 6 months old.  I have two other children, a son who is 21 and a daughter who is 18.  Yes, I am crazy for starting over, but I wouldn't trade one thing.  In the beginning, when I found out I was pregnant, I was in complete shock.  I took that test like five times praying each time that it would come back negative.  When it finally dawned on me that I was pregnant, I had a real hard time accepting it.  I saw all my dreams of what I would do when my children were finally on their own go down the drain.  All The things I planned to do was over, the parties, being able to spend my money on me for a change, and finally living the single life that I never had a chance to live.  I cried and screamed to God "Why me????"  A few days later I set up an appointment with the doctors for my first prenatal visit.  At my visit, I sat in the cold sterile room and I felt so alone and I just couldn't believe that it was me sitting in this room, but it was and when the doctor came in the room it hit me, I was truly pregnant.  She smiled at me and said congratulations on your soon to be new addition.  Really?  Congratulations?  I should be happy? I didn't feel happy, I felt shocked, depressed and sad really.  I smiled warily and just said thanks and she proceeded to ask me medical questions and told me my due date.  She said it was too early to hear the heartbeat, but in the next couple of visits I would be able to hear it.  For the next two months, I just walked in a daze.  Even as my clothes grew tighter, I still tried to pretend that it was not me pregnant.  My friends and family were starting to worry because even though I was doing the right thing health wise, eating good, exercising and taking my prenatal pills, I just didn't seem happy and they all knew it.  Then while I was in the doctor's office waiting for the doctor to come in, I looked at my growing belly and thinking how my life was over and I started to cry.  The doctor comes in and I quickly wipe my tears and told her I was just emotional.  She just smiled and said that's pregnancy for you and was glad I didn't have to explain.  During that visit, she measured my stomach and then she said we're going to try to find the heartbeat today.  She moved the wand over my belly trying to find the heartbeat and that was when something happened.  I heard my baby's heart beat and it was strong and beating steady.  I had a life inside of me and it was like the wall of grief finally broke and sunlight just came flooding in and I was so happy.  I started crying, but not of grief, but of happiness.  It was like god had answered my question of why me in just that one beat of her heart.  God wanted me to be the mother to this little one whose heart was beating so strong.  I was so ashamed of how I first felt and I asked God to forgive me and I felt this peace inside of me, this feeling like he understood and was just waiting for me to see what a wonderful gift gave me.  I said goodbye to the things that I thought would make me happy, and welcomed my new life with my new daughter with all my heart.  I thank God every day for giving me such a precious gift.  My little girl is my world and she has brought such joy and happiness to me and my other children.  She is truly a blessing from God.

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