Have you ever noticed how many people play: “I’m Right, You‘re Wrong“? Have you ever wondered why this is so common, especially in close relationships? This problem starts with our culture teaching us to focus our attention on right-wrong thinking.

The good news is that you can unlearn this power-over approach, and start having more genuine cooperation in your relationships. Sound good? Then please keep reading. Just ahead you’ll find five keys to open the doors that lead beyond “Us Against Them” thinking and into the power of “WE.”

Our life journey has included years of “Us vs. Them” training. Growing up, each step along the way we heard: “It’s a dog-eat-dog world,” “Look out for number one,” “Watch your back,” and other such expressions. These created strong mental habits which govern our thinking as well as our actions. Even in our most loving and trusting relationships, we often end up playing the good-bad, right-wrong games.  

Got lawyers?

One of the essential skills we all learned is how to prove we are right and defend against being proven wrong. This has become very deeply ingrained. It won’t change overnight, and it won’t change just by “wanting” it to.  

The only way to begin shifting this way of thinking is to learn something new: skills and understandings that open the door to new possibilities. Your desire for more co-creative relationships is what prepares you to use the first key.

Key 1 - INTENTION  

Are you clear about your intentions? Do you know the difference between a strategy and an intention? Knowing this difference is essential. Without this you tend to get stuck wanting other people to agree with your strategies. This can leave people feeling closed and defensive. Even worse, being attached to one particular strategy dramatically limits your opportunities to be satisfied.  

One strategy = One opportunity.  

On the other hand, a strategy-free intention describes only what you value and the qualities you want to experience in a situation. Starting with pure intention like this is necessary when creating outcomes that will satisfy everyone. Identifying a clear, strategy-free intention is also essential for using the next key.  

Key 2 - ALIGNMENT  

Is everyone on the same page? Do you want similar results? Establishing alignment is the second key to successful co-creation. In life, we go about our own lives, trying to achieve our own goals, yet we are all still interconnected. This puts limits on how far we can get in achieving our own results without cooperation.

The process of creating alignment starts by getting clear about what is important to everyone. It’s co-creating a shared vision of success. Beginning by learning alignment paves the way for easy agreements and abundant results, which produces far greater satisfaction for everyone. You need alignment to use the next key.

Key 3 - NEGOTIATION  

Will you take everyone’s needs into consideration? Will you keep at it until everyone is satisfied? Understanding the difference between negotiation and compromise plays a big part in being willing and able to stick with the process.  

Compromise is the way of an “Us Against Them” world. It begins by identifying what everyone wants. Then you see who’s willing to give up parts of what they want until everyone can live with what’s left. This results from having your attention focused on lack, limitation, and fear. It’s based in the belief that there isn’t enough to go around, so you have to settle for or take whatever you can get.  

Negotiation is the way in an abundant world. It begins by identifying what everyone values and what is missing for them. Then, while you keep your attention focused on everyone’s values, strategies will emerge that make it possible for everyone to be satisfied, without any compromise needed. Once everyone is satisfied with the strategies, you‘re ready to use key number four.  

Key 4 - AGREEMENT  

What’s the plan? What needs to happen and who’s willing to do what? After everyone’s had their say, people often people think they’ve made agreements. In reality they’ve only expressed vague understandings of what they want, and how they would like that to happen.  

Co-creation relies on your ability to make clear, doable requests that lead to definite agreements. Powerful agreements are specific about who, what, when, where, and how. They include a positive confirmation of each person’s willingness to do their part.  

Explicit agreements increase your effectiveness and everyone’s satisfaction. Once you’ve made your powerful agreements you‘re all set for key number five.

Key 5 - ACCOUNTABILITY  

Will your agreements continue to work for everyone? Will they create the results you want? Without accountability you can’t know if your agreements are actually working. If you wait to find out they aren’t working, you may have already built up dangerous levels of frustration, resentment, and resignation.  

You create accountability by setting specific times to review how well your agreements are working, and schedule discussions to see what changes might be needed.

These accountability meetings will allow you to continue practicing the 5 keys of co-creation.  

 1 - Do you still have a clear INTENTION?  

 2 - Are you still in ALIGNMENT?  

 3 - Do you need more NEGOTIATION?  

 4 - Is it time to make new AGREEMENTS?  

 5 - How will you ensure ongoing ACCOUNTABILITY?  

Accountability is the final key that opens the doors to the co-creative power of "WE."  

Now you have all five keys that open the doors that lead down the path to co-creating genuine partnerships. We hope you choose to learn more about these five key skills and commit to practicing them in all of your important relationships.  

Practice makes perfect, but these keys are only the beginning of your journey toward developing healthy relationships. If you‘re looking for honest and practical
relationship advice that supports a healthy lifestyle , sign up for our thought-provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series at:
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Each tip offers real world advice for creating and maintaining the relationships that you’ve always wanted.

Or read more at our blog: http://www.NewAgeSelfHelp.com

In what areas of your life are you settling for less than you deserve? How would you feel if you were able to overcome fear and start living to your full potential? Don't give up now, you already have what you need to begin living the best life you can possibly imagine ? all you need is to realize it!

Do you know someone who has settled for what they can get, instead of going for what would truly make them happy? Think of how many people you know who are just treading water in their jobs, settling for so-so relationships, or living in a place they hate. Why settle for just enough, when you can have what you really want?  

In our experience there are a few reasons why people often settle for less than what they truly want. Typically, people settle because they don’t know how to free themselves from their fear or because they have lost a connection with what’s most important to them.

When fear is what’s stopping someone from achieving what they want, they might be afraid of many different things: They might be afraid of failing, afraid of not being accepted, afraid of what they don't know, or afraid of disappointment. Fear is a powerful force that can create cynicism and doubt, which can keep us from pursuing the things we really want in life. The good news is that when we realize it’s our cynicism or self-doubt that is standing in our way, we can use it to reconnect with what’s truly important to us and choose a new direction.

“A cynical person is just a very passionate person who is trying to avoid being disappointed again.” ~ Benjamin Zander, The Art of Possibility

The thing about being cynical is that, behind all that skepticism and doubt, there is a whole lot of passion. On the flip side, if we simply didn't care about something, we would lack the energy that comes with being cynical. And without energy, we may never propel ourselves forward.

Fearful thinking and disconnecting from our core values is something that is learned very early in life. When we observe the people around us being cynical, disappointed and fearful we take these ideas on as the truth. These fears start to spread throughout our bodies, overtaking us, as we are told by others what to think, how to act, and what is correct and incorrect. Pretty soon, after being rewarded for "good" behavior and punished for "bad", our hopes and expectations are often smothered; and we are conditioned to settle for less and less.

We begin to adopt the "truths" that authority figures give to us, losing the will to challenge them, as we are trained to follow the rules.

It is not our intention to undermine societal wisdom or ritual in this article. But we do hope to point out some of the dangers of not teaching critical thinking and not staying connected to one's own personal values.  

It becomes difficult for us to harmonize our actions with our values when we lack the skill necessary to identify them for ourselves. This causes internal confusion within ourselves about what values truly matter to us in our daily lives and we lose the ability to live our best life right here, in this very moment.

It's easy for us to complain about our daily lives, “I hate my life!” “I hate my job, my wife, my husband..." But we've really never been taught how to identify what it is about our situation that conflicts with our values. We lack the skills to pause a minute and think, "What would truly make me happy in this certain situation?" or, "How can I change this situation to better align with my own values?"

Early in our lives we were told not to ask for what we want. We learned by example (from authority figures) that it is selfish to ask for what’s important to you. We may have even been explicitly told that asking for this was incorrect, wrong, or rude in some way.

There are plenty of clich?s that teach us this: money doesn't grow on trees, don't rock the boat, don't be selfish, there's not enough to go around, you should just be thankful for what you have. We processed any number of these messages when we were young, and subsequently we learned that it was not right to ask for what we want.

But settling for less than what we truly want in life can lead to confusion, stress, and overall unhappiness. When we are dissatisfied, not only does it negatively affect us, but it can also affect the lives of the people around us. In order to stop settling and start living the life you really want, we suggest the following practices.

_{Uncovering Your True Values & Making the Connection}

We believe that most of the internal distress people deal with on a regular basis stems from a misalignment between their behavior and their personal values.

We’ll use a hypothetical situation as an example. To really make this hit home for you and be useful in your own life, we encourage you to pick an area of your life that you are less than satisfied with at the present time; use your own example as we go through.

Pick an area such as: your relationship with your spouse, one of your children, your coworker or employer, or even the guy at the oil & lube shop. Or you can choose a scenario in your life such as your work, your home life, your automobile, or your financial situation. Any of these areas will work; just make sure it's an area you are not satisfied with.

If you're unsure that you've picked a good area for this exercise, you can double check by noting these red flag phrases in your life: "It's really not as horrible as I thought," "Maybe I don't need to change it after all?" "Come to think of it, I think this situation is good enough;" "It won't kill me to keep going along like this." Or any other statement that you tell yourself that may alert you that you are settling.

Now that you've picked an area, picture exactly how each part of our example applies to your life as we go along.

Remember that we discussed earlier how settling for what we can stand, instead of going for what we truly desire in life, can foster uncertainty, disappointment, and unhappiness.

Sally has been dealing with unmotivated employees in her coffee shop for months. There is one young lady in particular who just cannot seem to learn the proper way to make drinks; she is constantly getting orders wrong and she frequently shows up late to her shift. This employee is a very sweet girl, but is performing less than satisfactorily in her job. The only options Sally sees are either to fire this employee and feel guilty, or keep her on and have her business suffer.

Sally's situation at work not only affects her own life, but also impacts those around her. How do you think she might be perceived by her other employees? Is it possible that this situation at work might affect her family life as well?

Do you think her disappointment and uncertainty about the situation might have her grumbling about it to others? Has someone you know ever griped to you about their aggravation or unhappiness? How did you feel when they did this? As a person settles for less than what they really want, it impacts those around them, not just themselves.

So what is it that stands between Sally and her resolution of the situation with her less-than-satisfactory employee?

As we stated earlier, sometimes people settle for things they don't want because they are afraid; they fear failure, not being accepted, they're unsure of what might happen, or they're afraid of being let down. We also alluded to the fact that Sally's helplessness may be a result of a misalignment between her behavior and her deeply held values.

How do you think identifying her deeply held personal values might assist Sally in taking the steps toward getting what she truly wants? This brings us to the second practice?

_{Continuous Identification of your Personal Values}  

Identifying our personal values gives us a starting point we can use to direct our behavior. Using this reference point, we can steer ourselves in the direction of what’s most important. This allows us to consciously choose our actions so that our behavior is consistent with our most deeply held values. In turn, we feel comfortable and confident about whom we are and the choices we make.

It is necessary to resolve any inconsistencies with our behavior and our values to create internal harmony within ourselves, and then with those around us.

The first step in creating that harmony is becoming aware of what your most deeply held personal values are.  

Once you know what you truly want in life, it becomes natural to uncover specific ways you can achieve those results.

When we refer to values, we're talking about any quality or experience that is fundamentally valuable to you. So according to this definition, you wouldn't value "always having dinner ready at six o'clock" or "keeping a clean work station" because these are specific actions; there are core values that would align with these behaviors, and those are the values you need to identify for yourself.

Let's take a closer look at Sally's situation and see if we can figure out what might be the underlying values that are causing her frustration. She might value dependability and predictability, but her employee doesn't get to work on time, nor does she make an effort to learn the preferred way of doing her job. Thus, Sally does not feel comfortable depending on her employee, nor does she get the predictability she desires.

By becoming aware of how much she values predictability and dependability, Sally has a new perspective on the situation with her employee. This change offers her a chance focus on her values instead of her complaints. And what you focus your attention on grows.

This opens the door for Sally to recognize what traits she values that might be missing in the situation. This will give Sally the ability to start focusing on ways her employee may be able to support these things, or Sally and the employee may decide together that this just isn’t the job for her, that her talents and desires are much better suited elsewhere.

We are not suggesting that Sally will experience everything she values in this situation with this employee or that she wouldn't still feel some discomfort in letting her go. But without identifying what she truly wants, she will never know how to ask for it.  

Becoming aware of her values is only the beginning though. Sally must continue to practice taking actions that are in harmony with her values and staying conscious of the results she seeks. With that said, what steps might Sally take to get what she wants in this particular situation?

To create more dependability, she might approach her employee and ask if she’d be willing to take a drink manual home and study three drink each evening and then make those drinks for Sally the next day. To experience more predictability, Sally could ask the employee what’s preventing her from showing up on time for work and then have a conversation about what she can do to start showing up on time.

As Sally gains clarity of her values, she can start to be in control of her own life and creating the things she wants. Having this kind of control may put her at ease and give her a sense of freedom. This brings us to the third practice?  

_{Creating Regular Alignment with Your Personal Values}  

By becoming clear about what it is we truly want (defining our personal values), we give ourselves the opportunity of internal alignment. Once we are clear on our personal values, we can set out to share that vision with those around us; we can then create alignment with them about that vision. At this point we also find out whether they want the same things we do, and if they would also like to enhance their own experience in the situation.

By aligning ourselves with others at the beginning, we open the door for mutual values and it becomes much easier, and faster, to achieve what we both want. As you begin to align others with your vision, you will discover that it is possible to make everyone happy in almost every situation.

Sally, in our hypothetical situation, now has the power to free herself from a future of frustration and uncertainty. She has the ability and the knowledge she needs to overcome fear and start living her best life now.

Never quit striving for your best life. Keep in mind that what you focus your attention on grows. If you focus all your attention on what's wrong with your current situation, the fear will surely keep you settling for less than what you really want.

So shift your focus now! When you focus your attention on those things that make you happy ? your values ? and on what behaviors will make that happiness a reality for you, you'll soon find happiness in knowing that you can have a life you love.

Are you ready to take the next step toward happiness? Clarifying your values and grabbing hold of your power is the secret to letting go of the past and living a life you love. Sign up for our thought-provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series and gain access to the personal growth tools you need.

Each tip offers practical advice for creating and living the life you really want. Sign up at: http://www.newageselfhelp.com

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How often do you end up dealing with difficult people? Do you enjoyed the way you handle it when a storm of angry words come your way? Are there times when you actually feel sick when dealing with these difficult people? Do you sometimes want to just run in hide, or click your heels and disappear? Or do you get angry and combative right back at them?  

if any of this sounds familiar, you‘re not alone. These are typical responses to someone else’s anger and we know dealing with difficult people can be very stressful!

The good news is that it doesn't have to be...  

Believe it or not, some people don’t let it bother them. They simply stay calm and stress-free when confronted with anger. Wouldn’t it be great to understand what they understand? Well now you can! Here are a few simple tips that will help you breathe easy the next time you must deal with a difficult person.

Often times when we realize someone is upset the first thing we do is take things personally. We believe that the only reason they’d be upset—and telling us about it—is that it must be about us. The very first thing to understand when dealing with these situations is that it’s all about them, not you!

I know what you‘re probably thinking: “There’s no way I can’t take it personally when I have this person yelling at me and throwing accusations in my face!”

There’s no question that this will be difficult at first, but when you understand this one thing it becomes much easier to avoid taking these things to heart: Every statement you hear someone say stems from a deep and innate desire to fulfill their needs or to support something they value. And you operate in this same fashion - it’s human instinct.

Absolutely Everything = Needs and Values.  

For instance, someone who is upset may simply have a need for consideration, or they might really value dependability. By getting upset, they are trying to fulfill these needs or honor what they value.

As an example, let’s say that an angry person met with Gandhi (if he were alive). And the first thing he says to Gandhi is, “You have no idea what it means to suffer or face difficulties in life. You have people helping you with every daily task you do! You‘re such a fake!”

Can you imagine Gandhi responding to this as some people would—defensively, with anger and critical words? “I’m a fake? Why don’t you try walking one day in my shoes... you wouldn’t last a minute. You selfish little man—I bet you don’t even work for a living, you probably just go around telling everyone else how lazy they are!”

We can imagine where this conversation would end up!  

It’s difficult to think of Gandhi reacting in such a way, but why wouldn’t he? What secret did he know that most of us don’t?

Gandhi understood that the anger this man has stems from his own difficult life and is just taking it out on him. The man is upset because his needs have not been met, and things in his life are out of harmony with his values.

So, from now on, try to remind yourself that everything people say or do is an attempt to meet their own needs or support something they value.

The next uncomfortable situation you find yourself in with an difficult person, don’t start justifying yourself, but instead begin by remembering that their upset is about them and their life.

Don't take it to heart.  

Think about this: Do you want your well being to be dependent upon others, or do you crave happiness that is dictated only by the decisions you make and how you choose to live your life? Take control of the situation by aligning your values with the actions you take.

Another great way to maintain your cool when dealing with others’ anger is to take on the stance of curiosity. Start to wonder, “Hmm, this person really seems tense. I wonder what’s happening in their life to make them so upset.”

Try to take a moment to empathize with their situation and think, “If I acted the way they‘re acting toward me right now, what might possibly be happening in my life?” Try to come up with answers.

Switching your mindset by focusing your attention in this manner can really set you free from acting or feeling defensive. It will lead you to a more peaceful place and will support you in filling your life with happy, satisfying relationships you can enjoy.

“Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means.” ~ Albert Einstein

Let’s recap: - Anxiety and defensiveness isn’t the only way to deal with angry people. - Whatever someone says or does is in support of something they value or to meet some need. - Their anger is all about them, don’t take it to heart. Take on the attitude of being interested. - Your wellbeing is not dependent on how others act or what they say.

When dealing with angry people, these strategies will help open the door to a new sense of freedom and well being. No longer will you be controlled by your environment. You get to decide how you’ll respond and what actions you’ll take.

Break the cycle and transform the way you react to difficult people  

You can develop the critical skills for getting rid of unnecessary anxiety. if you‘re ready for support in creating the life you truly want then sign up for our motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: http://www.newageselfhelp.com/  

Or visit us at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com

Whether you‘re aware of it or not, your relationships influence how happy and satisfied you are in your life.  And, we‘re not only speaking in terms of romantic relationships, but, rather, all of the relationships we have in our lives.  

Each person we interact with contributes a vital role in how we interpret ourselves and the world around us, so you can see how essential it must be to care for and nurture your relationships. Perhaps, you‘re happy in your president situation, or maybe you‘re struggling. In any case, we know that the greatest relationships can always get better. Keep reading to learn 10 vital keys that will improve every relationship in your life.

_{Key One: Know What You Value Most}  

Before you can begin to improving a thing about your relationships, you must know what is most important to you. Discovering this involve you to go deep inside and identify what you value most in a relationship.  

Understand that values aren’t the same thing as strategies. Strategies have to do with very specific information (I’m going to being in a committed relationship in the next six months); while values are much broader in scope (I value caring and consideration.) Once you identify what it is that you value, you’ll be clear enough to start getting those things from your relationships.

_{Key Two:  Know What You Do Want Instead of What You Don't Want}

Frequently, people focus primarily on the things that they “Don’t” want in a relationship. This kind of thinking produces ideas such as, “I don’t want my significant other all his time at work” or “I don’t want my mother to put me down about everything I do.” While not wanting these things is reasonable, it’s very hard to get results when you‘re dealing with all the things that you don’t want.  

Instead, think about what it is that you “DO” want. Maybe what you really want is to spend more time with your spouse and to receive more appreciation from your mother.  Clearly understanding what you want is the only way to start getting the things that you want in a relationship.

_{Key Three:  Don't Take It to Heart}  

Getting the door to open with this key is difficult for many people because, as humans, we seem to react emotionally to situations where we feel hurt, or helpless. In order to learn how to stop taking things personally, it's important that we understand that everything people say or do are driven by a desire to meet their own needs, or to support something that they value.  

In other words, while it may seem to you that they‘re launching a personal attack, what’s really happening is that something they need or value is missing from the situation.  Once we understand that their actions are all about them?not us?it’s easier to move forward and solve the problem instead of reacting to it.

_{Key Four: The Gift of Presence}  

Key number four is all about putting your own judgments and opinions aside and really listening to what your partner has to say. So much of our communication is clouded with our own feelings, desires, and agendas; it’s easy to miss important clues about what the other partner really needs to make the relationship work. Giving the gift of your presence to someone else shows that you truly care about making a deep and lasting connection.  

_{Key Five: Now It's Their Turn}  

After you’ve discovered what’s most important to you, it’s time to explore your partners values. it’s just as important that you identify very clearly what the other person would ideally like to have in your relationship ? what they value most and want to experience. Once you and your partner have an understanding about what you both want from your relationship, you can move forward and open the next door.  

_{Key Six ? Sharing the Vision}  

The next key for improving your relationships is the ability to create a shared vision. Instead of working independently toward your own goal, try finding common goals that you share with your partner. When you have a shared vision about what you want for the relationship, making agreements and accomplishing results happens much more easily. This key opens the door to greater success and mutual satisfaction.

_{Key Seven: Line It up}

Once you’ve identified what you want and value, and you’ve given your presence to your partner and come to an understanding about what they want and value, it’s time to have a very clear, conscious conversation about what you each want to create in your relationship. Do you want to spend more time together?  Do you want to be more appreciative of each other?  

The alignment conversation is your time to formulate a blueprint for the actions you and your partner agree to take to insure that both of you get what you need.

_{Key Eight:  Take It Easy on Yourself}  

We’ve spent a lot of time talking about the keys you need turn to be there for your partner.  Throughout the process, it’s also important to take care of yourself.  It’s common for alignment conversations to bring up past pain and resentments as you focus on how to change the present situation. When you start to feel any discomfort, or irritated the conversation may bring up ? STOP.  Give yourself a breather and take the time to look at the causes underneath the feelings you are experiencing.  

As we mentioned before, everything that everyone says or does is motivated by a value that isn’t being experienced, and this includes the voice inside your head.  Figure out what may be stimulating your emotions before moving on with the conversation.

_{Key Nine: Learning the Negotiation Dance}  

Once you’ve created an alignment with your partner, you’ll need to make some concrete agreements about how to reach your goals for the relationship.  For example, if you both agree that you would like to create more trust, perhaps you’ll create an agreement about checking in with each when you need more information.  

The best way to reach these agreements is through negotiation with your partner. Negotiation is a lot like dancing:  you step forward, your partner steps back, you turn around and then meet in the middle. Perfecting this dance takes some practice, but once you start actively doing the dance, it will get easier and easier.

_{Key Ten: Believe in the Process}  

The last, but certainly not least of the keys is learning to trust the process. In order for these keys to open the doors and then keep them open, it’s imperative that you trust the process. Things may not go exactly as you imagine, but that doesn’t mean that your efforts aren’t making a shift.  

Trusting the process means putting the brakes on your cynicism, refusing to give in to futile thoughts that may come up, and have faith that it’s really and actually possible for everyone to be satisfied with the end results. The easiest way to truly have faith in the process is to become an Explorer. An Explorer has faith that there is something to discover, they have made a pledge to discover it, and they are taking action to create strategies that will fulfill that pledge.

If you are truly committed to creating a healthy happy relationships? in all areas of your life, then get the support you need by, sign up for our free thought-provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com/cmd.php?ad=317928.

Each tip offers practical advice for creating success in your relationships and in your life.

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Feeling Worried?

Since the holidays are right around the corner. I thought it was time to discuss those infamous family gatherings.  

Do you ever leave family gatherings questioning why you agreed to go? Are some family members a little difficult to deal with? Is communication often strained? If so, there is hope.  

What if you could walk in feeling eager about being there, and leave happy? Read on to find out how five easy steps can lead to your next family gathering happening just the way you’ve always wanted it to.

Steps that lead to peace and harmony

Are you wondering how your next family gathering will turn out? Is it tough to communicate with some of your family, in-laws, and extended family members?

It can be different this year. And the best part is that it’s up to you. You can change the way you communicate with yourself.

Use these five steps to experience your next family get-together just you’ve always wanted it to be.

Step #1 - Decide What You Want to Experience

We call this creating an intention. If you aren’t very clear about what you do want to experience, then it will be difficult to make that happen. And it may be hard for you to even notice it when it is happening. How do you get clear about your intention? Ask yourself these questions:

"How could my family and I benefit from this?"

You might choose fun, caring and harmony. Or peacefulness: “If my experience today could only be peaceful I would walk out happy and wanting to return next time.” Take some time to imagine all the qualities that would make your next family gathering a wonderful experience for you.

"How could you and your family benefit from this quality of experience?"

Perhaps you could gain a greater sense of connection. You and your family might really look forward to seeing each other again. Or you might be more playful with one another. The time you spend identifying these benefits will help you remember your intention if things start to get challenging at the gathering.

Step #2 - Know That People Are Doing the Best They Can

You might ask: “When Aunt Sue complains about everything under the sun, is she doing the best she can? When Dad criticizes me about every part of my life, is he doing the best he can?”

Yes. They‘re doing the best they can.

Stop and think about it. Do they look like they‘re having fun at these times? Are they being effective at getting what they really want? If they knew a way to take care of themselves that was more fun and that worked better at getting what they really wanted, don’t you think they would do it?  

So if you get upset seeing people act the way they do, remind yourself: They‘re doing the best they can. Then get back to creating what you want to experience as fast as you can.  

How do you do that?

Step #3 - Don't Take Things Personally

“Don’t take it personally if someone says that what I’m doing is stupid?”

You can avoid taking things personally if you start with this understanding: Everything people do or say starts with a desire to support something they value.  

And what could that be? Guess.

Your father says to you: “How can you possibly think that starting your own business is a smart thing to do?” He might value security, or predictability. He might be worried about how you’ll continue to pay your bills. Believe it or not, this might be his attempt to contribute to you. And, he is Doing The Best He Can.

So the next time you hear something you don’t enjoy, the next time you want to defend yourself and justify your position, STOP and remember: It’s about them. Don’t take it personally.

Instead, try to be curious. “Wow, I wonder what’s going on with them?” Imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes: “If I said or did that, what might be going on with me?” See if you can guess.

Step #4 - Clarify Your Understanding About What Others Want

One big cause of upset between people is not being sure about what they want from each other.

Have you ever heard people express concerns or complaints like: “I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent this month?” Or: “I hate it when we start eating without giving thanks first.” Or maybe a family member starts talking to you about how your favorite cousin is making a mess of her life.

What happens then? Do you feel confused or uncomfortable? Do you try to justify yourself, explain the situation, or give advice?

Whenever you feel uncomfortable hearing people’s concerns or complaints, we believe this is partly caused by your not understanding what they want from you.

We suggest you start asking for clarity. Say or guess out loud what you think the other person might want from you.

Before you start, remember steps 1, 2, and 3.Get present to the intention you created for the gathering. Remember people are doing the best they can. Don’t take things personally.

Suppose cousin Jim says: “I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent this month.” What does he want? Ask him: “Do you want to brainstorm some ideas about how you might get your rent this month?”  

Or when your grandmother says: “I hate it when we start eating without giving thanks first.” What does she want? Ask her: “Would you like to see if somebody is willing to give thanks before we eat this year?  

If your guesses aren’t accurate, they’ll let you know by saying something else that gets closer to what they do want. Your guess will open the way for a conversation that can lead to more understanding and less stress for both of you.

Step #5 - Develop Your Ability to Be Grateful

What you focus your attention on grows.

If you constantly notice things that cause you pain, then you will continue to suffer. “How inconsiderate he is.” “She doesn’t care about me.” “He’s the most selfish person I’ve ever known.”

Try focusing your attention on what you do enjoy.

It may sound simple. But ask yourself: “What would it be like if I spent my day simply noticing everything that I enjoy about being with my family?”

Imagine looking for all the things that you do enjoy, and being thankful for them. “It smells so good in here; I can’t wait to eat.” “I’m so grateful that everyone cares enough to spend time together.” “It’s nice that my mom enjoys having these gatherings at her house.”  

How would you feel if you only focused your attention on the things you do enjoy?

So let's recap the steps that lead to happy family gatherings:

 1. Decide what you really do want to experience

 2. Know that people are doing the best they can

 3. Don’t take things personally

 4. Clarify your understanding about what others want

  and
5. Focus on what you enjoy

Following these steps are the fastest, easiest way to enjoy the time you spend with your family.

Now that you have steps for making your next family gathering and enjoyable experience, are you ready to tackle the other relationships in your life? If you’d like more stepsfor developing
effective skills that support healthy relationships , sign up for our free thought-provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: http://www.focusedattention.com/elearning/weekly-tips/Weekly-Action-Tips.htm
Each tip offers practical advice for creating the relationships that you really want.

Or visit us at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com

If you feel frustrated, concerned, or challenged when it comes to both setting your goals and achieving results, you are certainly not alone. Especially in our American Dream-driven society, people often feel a pressure to arrive at their goals "ASAP."  While this may seem to be a source of anxiety, read on to discover ways to channel such intense desire into positive self-discipline. We will help you to focus on key result areas and maximize your personal effectiveness.  

Many people have never taken the time to consider what their goals are, and so cannot purposely direct their energy toward reaching those goals. However, if you are reading this, you're likely among those that have considered the matter and now you want to get there, and fast. Once you have set your goals, there are some things to keep in mind that will assist you along the path of reaching those goals.  

Putting Things into Perspective

First, let’s examine something that might seem obvious. ASAP stands for As Soon as Possible. While traditional interpretations of the acronym connote haste, the term is in fact a relative one.  A major pitfall we often encounter when we focus on reaching goals is comparing ourselves to other successful people. We compare our success or our results with other people who have already gotten where we think we want to go, and this can often lead to unrealistic expectations ? like the idea that overnight success actually happens overnight.  

In actuality, as proven by experience time and again, succeeding at anything ?including attaining one's goals ? is usually achieved through a series of small actions and accomplishments. These small steps accrue and lead you along a path of personal strategic planning so that eventually you arrive where you want to be. These steps take time. Be encouraged that each small success, each triumph of self-discipline, is leading you in the right direction.

Another aspect that can be discouraging is the inevitable smattering of disappointments along the way. These disappointments can trigger self-doubt and might even cause you to begin questioning your willingness to continue to move in the direction of your present desire. All these obstacles can be daunting and make it seem like progress is taking forever ? especially when you‘re focused on the end result of achieving and reaching your goals.  

So how can you get to your goals ASAP?  

Milestones on the Pathway to Your Goals

We assume you already have some sense of what you hope to achieve and that you have set your goals accordingly. For the purposes of this article, we’ll call your goals your “desired outcome.”  

The first step we recommend is that you identify what's at the core of your goals. What is at the core of your deepest longings that this desired outcome will bring to your life? Identify this for yourself in very concrete terms and it will help you stay inspired, moving forward, and enjoying the ride.  

In fact, we recommend writing goals down, in addition to the underlying core desires that inspire these goals. This way, you have a physical and constant reminder cheering you along all those little steps. Any time you begin to feel challenged, discouraged, frustrated, or just confused about what you‘re doing, re-inspire yourself by reminding yourself why you‘re actually doing it ? what’s so important to you about reaching goals you're determined to achieve.

As we repeat over and over again, what you focus your attention on grows. If you focus on what’s not happening, how little progress you’ve made, or how far it seems you are from your goals, guess what ? you‘re more likely to notice all the things that aren’t working and all the things that seem to be keeping you from what you want.

A change in thinking is critical. So the second step is to start focusing on what IS working. We suggest you begin by making a list of all the achievements, accomplishments, and actions you are taking that are moving you closer to your desired outcome ? no matter how small they may seem in the moment. This is one way to guide your attention to the positive. You want to focus on what's working so that this is what grows. This will have a snowball effect, allowing you to notice more and more opportunities for moving in the direction you desire.

The third step is to start a habit of actively being grateful. Again, what you focus your attention on grows. Make a list of the all the ways you can be grateful for who you are, all you do, and what you have that has brought you this far along your path. Start each morning by reading this list and end each evening reflecting on what went right that day. Remember, no accomplishment is too small to acknowledge ? no action too insignificant to appreciate. You are magnificent! Know it and you will grow it.

So to recap:

?Identify your inspiration and continually renew your vision.

?Focus on what is working, and be grateful for who you are and what you’ve done so far. Nothing should stop you from dreaming big dreams or achieving the happiness that comes with fulfilling your personal desires.

?Developing the self-discipline necessary to change your thinking from the negative to the positive and to continually remind yourself that the small steps are taking you exactly where you want to go.

Then, just continue taking action toward your desired outcome ? we guarantee you’ll be more confident about your ability to reach your goals ASAP.

If ready to discover more keys for creating a happy, successful life, a great first step is to sign up for our free thought-provoking, motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com/cmd.php?ad=317928.
Each tip offers practical advice for creating and living the life you really want.

Or visit us at:   http://www.FocusedAttention.com