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As some of you may know I am a very proud dog mommy. I have a three year old female shih tzu named cami and a year old male shih tzu named Harley. They mated not really planned and this will be their one and only set of babies. But ladies, oh my they are beautiful and im in love. Cami is a very spoilt and babied lil dog, and she is now working me to death taking care of her lil needs, food, water and many potty breaks. She had a rough time with the labor, and delivered seven pups, we lost two and it was horrible and sad. We have five adorable healthy puppies. I will be on here when I can, we are going to sell five at eight weeks and one very special little girl us staying with me, her name is Ginger, chocolate shih tzu are a rare color, and she is a beautiful light chocolate.
I have had a nice 24 hrs, spent some time just hanging out with my husband. One thing that i do think about us just up and leaving what we knew back home. We have to lean on each other again. And its what we need. I have alot of intimacy issues, im not overly loving nor demostrative. He is a real patent and kind man, who i dont really think i knew when i married him, at least that side i didnt.
Need to lean to be kinder to him and really realise that he has changed for me so much. Im trying to make some changed in my life and with us. I spent so much of my energy worry about my kids, that he took a back seat to all, but never really complained. I really do have an amazing husband.
In the past three years or so, i have moved several times. Twice to Nashville, and now Im in Dalton, Ga. Im lost and really confused right now.
Luckly for me i have a man, who will go that extra mile to try and keep me happy, but maybe not so good for him, im thinking. All of this moves have surrounded my kids, whom i love very much. And maybe i just didn’t want to let go of them who knows. It has been a whole lot of heartache for me.
We are broke now and living with my daughter, granddaughter and her husband, which was our plan when we came here. So that part is fine i guess.
We came here because my only daughter and the granddaughter i have help raised for the past two years decided to move down here. But we also felt like the job situation was so bad in Indiana, that we would do better here.
Its not horrilbe here, i mean i have my own room and my own space. Got my little doggies with me. But at 47, i feel like a freaking gyspy, moving around all the time. And a big failure. I have given up jobs, and places to live because of my kids, and grandkids. Now i am here, and i keep seeing the end, being very dramatic there, so pardon me. I have been a CNA for the last five years and i loved it. But i have alot of back issues now, and other problems. And im just not sure what to do with myself anymore. My hubby keeps trying to talk me into going into nursing which is going to mean school. And all i can see right now is that i am 47 years old. My mom has had breast cancer twice now, i have lost most of my family to cancer. None of them have lived to 80 even. I just keep thinking what a waste of a life. Its not all bad but sometimes it is. I think maybe the menopause thing is causing some of my depressions. Any advice is helpful right now. I really missed the group and hope i can get back on it full time.
Ive spent today reflecting on how i got where im at today. I love quiet times with nature, to sit amoung a bunch of green leafy trees, listening to the birds sing to each other. Watching the bees busy on clover in the green yard. Squirrel playing jumping from tree branch to tree branch, that is peace for me.
I want to accept what life has dealt me with quiet dignity. I want to be a woman grown, one who is proud of my wrinkles and those patchs of gray i see in my hair. Im tired of pretending that im fine, that no matter what is said about me doesnt hurt me, that i dont care. I do care. It hurts deep inside of my soul.
Im a great actress, i missed my calling in life. I only cry when im alone. I was raised that if you show weakness, sickness anything besides some sort of superwoman armour. That your foes will destroy you. You have to respect those tough hillbilly women that were my family.
I want to know how to get to that spot that you love yourself, you accept yourself. You see beauty in the mirror. I want to forget what i was taught, and do exactly what makes me happy, i want to laugh. I want to only cry pure tears of joy.
And if im called that special name they use to control all women “BITCH“, So what, what does that mean exactly, does it mean that you are self assured to say what you think. Does it mean you have been unconvetional, and actually told someone the truth, That you have stood up and was moral, you stood your ground, and you werent afraid.
I spent part if not all of my life being that, and being told that i was to much, to strong, to hot tempered, that i scared people. So i try to tell people what they want to hear, that makes me a liar, even if they dont say so, I know so.
Im so tired of having to put my own thoughts and feelings aside, because i have meant women who cant deal with it. Im not mean, im actually a warm, caring woman. I just dont like wishy washy people. I like straight and honest. Give it to me hard, I can take it.
It gives me a sense of wild freedom to just say it, Just because im a woman, a mom, a grandma. Does that mean i can not be me. I want to spend the rest of my life, being natural. I think when God created woman, It was because he wanted a thing of beauty, intelligence, Not to be walked on by men, To walk beside man, to remind the man of love, light and laughter. You are powerful, You are beautiful, You are ageless, You are woman...
When my son got married four yrs ago, we have tried our best with his new wife, and now they have two sons, 3 and 2. I wasnt allowed to be at her showers before her wedding, nor the baby showers.
In fact it seems to me the only time either of them want me around is when my babysitting services are needed or she gets lonely and wants me around.
But he is my son, and i love him so i guess i kept hoping that maybe someday he would come to his senses. And of course like most mothers i blamed the in law. Her actions most days boggles my mind, i know she has problems but alot of her decisions are so damaging to my entire family.
They have lived in prob 20 apartments in 4 yrs, And i know now that my son is lost prob forever, the boy i raised is not the man i see now. He was such a quiet sestive boy, who loved everyone, and wouldnt have hurt anyone.
I hardly know my grandsons, cause im only around when the parents want me around and thats not alot. I have allways been there to help though.
For the second time in the past 4 yrs i let them talk me into uprooting my family and move down south, to be near them and the boys. The last time i was here like 3 months before she changed her mind, and lost thier apartment. And we ended up going back to Indiana, and didnt talk to them for months.
I let myself get suckered in again, We moved into this big house, and she just took off, is now living with what she calls a friend, My son just visits his own house, ive been the one taking care of it, housework, and cooking meals.
Ive done everthing i could for the both of them, while i caught them repeately in lies and talking behind my back, but we are here far from home, so i was trying to make it work.
So yesterday, My son came home and told me that he thought it would be better if we get our own apartment down here, he just wants to be alone. Noone knows if he wife is coming home or not.
She is still living in a apartment with her male friend, where my son goes and visits his own wife. So here we sit with our personal possesions, in nashville,tn. Most of our stuff is still in storage in Indiana.
My daughter wants to stay in tn. and start a new life. But im plenty nervous about it, my hubby is working, son in law is drawing unemployment and looking for work here, and so am i.
Basically i told my son i needed a month to find a place and get moved. Am i wrong to not want to see him or his wife again after this? They have been playing thease games with me for four long yrs now.
Now back home, my oldest son is fixing to have a new baby, and my mom is going thru chemo for breast cancer, they have cost me alot with this latest stunt.
Not to mention, that this is my son, who acts like im just some throw away piece of garbage. I cant go back home this time, we are stuck. Thease two are like 25 yrs old, isnt that old enough for some adult like behaviour.
Honestly im very hurt by this boy, I just dont get him, he seems to not care about me at all, I have to totaly start over my life because of him and his bi polar wife. And in a yr they will want to say they are sorry and have it all be fine.
Its getting worse here by the day, or maybe by the hour. My daughter came back Saturday, We all sit down and now our whole family has openly admitted she has a boyfriend and that we all know. Only in my family would you sit down and talk about something like that calmly.
I guess alot of the reason is noone wants to be the person to push her over the edge. So for wks now she is either on her cellphone or laptop after work til she goes to bed. Mind you she has two young sons who are begging for her attention.
So now after she told everyone she wanted to work on her marrage, and wanted to be here. It came out that she went on friday, all the way to Knoxville, which is like two hrs from here, picked this boyfriend up and has him at the apartment that she was staying at.
She has went from someone, who wanted children so badly, and seemed to adore her sons, to someone who doesnt even see them, and all she thinks she wants is out, My son says she cant take the boys with her this time.
So now this house is full of tension, she is here in body only, she wants to leave, but doesnt want to leave her sons, which i understand, but by all standards We all beleive she cannot take care of them.
My son and her have only been married for four yrs, have a 3 and 2 yr old. Her mother and all her sisters have bipolar disorder and have all been in mental instituions. My son has gotten to where he worked, did the housework, took care of his sons, and tried to keep her on an even keel too. And it all is taken its toll on him.
So now im doing the housework, cooking the meals, and trying to tend to the boys, with my daughters help, who also has my 1 yr old granddaughter here with us.
She got off work today at 4.30, didnt come home til 6, we had the house done and supper on the table, fed her boys, she did give them baths and get them into pajamas, and put them to bed at 8.30. Between that time she was either texting or calling someone the whole time, while we watch the boys try to get her attention.
None of us know what to do with her, she is having a breakdown of some kind, but i dont know how my son is doing it anyhow, she openly admits she no longer loves him, doesnt want him to touch her. She let her boyfriend drive her truck and he had her cellphone today when my son called it. We have the stable enviroment for the children right now, there toys are here, their beds are here. She wants to take them to a 1 bedroom apartment, with her boyfriend, with them all sleeping in one bed.
The guys in question has temper issues, and isnt stable either. what a mess. I keep waiting for her and my son to kill each other right now. I feel bad for my grandsons and my son.
Me and her do talk, and i have tried to talk to her thru this, but i cant change her mind either. I so dont want the girl to throw her family away, possilby lose her children. Nashville is so pretty, but not from in this house, and no i cant move out right now, if i do i dont know what will happen to any of them.. I want to do my own thing, what a mess.