Question: I've been dating a man for over seven months now.  He is 51 and I am 44. I discovered right off the bat that he can't last but a few seconds as soon as he is inside of me. Now in the beginning he said he was too excited, or it was on my territory (ie. my house? so he insisted we go to his house, but same "short" story). His excuses were cute in the beginning, like "you have a Playboy Bunny body," blah-blah-blah, so I thought, I'll get him a book on premature ejaculation and a sex guide (he didn't know where a women's clit was). He went to a doctor who gave him meds: first psychotropics, which I don't think are healthy; then Viagra, but since his problem isn't getting it up - it's maintaining ? the problem continued. I'm trying to be supportive and encouraging, but it feels like something huge is missing from our sex life. It's kind of like when we were kids and there was that commercial, "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"  In his case - one, two, three strokes? and that's what it takes!  Please help ? I am very frustrated. --Carrie  

Answer: As you may know, you could seek the help of a licensed sex therapist, who is well-schooled in all matters of sexual dysfunction.  If you or your man is uncomfortable with that alternative, however, I am happy to address this issue. What you're describing sounds like a significant problem.  Although, we are not surprised when young, inexperienced men are guilty of being "quick on the trigger," more mature, sexually experienced men are expected to have mastered the art of self-control to at least a small degree.  Unfortunately, there are still a lot of older, sexually experienced men whose "thrust count" never reaches double digits.  And apparently you now find yourself dating a veteran member of this club.  

So what can you do, short of kicking this guy to the curb?  Well, to answer that, we must first look at the possible causes of his condition.  Since the penis is a well-renown "creature of habit," it is likely that his speedy ejaculations have been with him for awhile.  Perhaps this behavior is the result of repeated sex with a partner who wasn't particularly into the sexual act and therefore encouraged him to hurry things along.  Another possibility, which goes back all the way to his formative years, may be that he had a limited amount of privacy and was forced to masturbate as quickly as possible, in order to keep from being discovered.  Over the years, though his situation changed, the old pattern of "jiffy-pop" persisted.  Now, despite his desire to be a marathon competitor, his body automatically defaults to a fifty-yard-dash mode.  It seems, therefore, that in order to slow him down, his apparatus must be recalibrated.

How do you do that?  Well, to some degree, that is what the doctor your man visited was trying to do.  The psychotropic drugs he prescribed often have a side effect which can inhibit orgasm.  Normally, that's an unwanted result, but in this case, that was likely the goal.  Also, some men who are premature ejaculators have erectile dysfunction issues, as well, and sometimes there may be a cause-and-effect relationship between the two.  As such, the physician was trying to make sure that anxiety over getting and maintaining an erection was not playing a role in your man's rapid-fire performance.    

But since neither of these seemed to yield satisfactory results, and creams and topical numbing treatments tend to diminish sensitivity (sometimes for both of you) I suggest another approach.  It is a therapy developed by esteemed sexual researchers, Masters & Johnson (not to be confused with Johnson & Johnson), called the "Squeeze Technique."  Let me first assure you that it is not painful or particularly unpleasant, and it has proven to be highly effective in quickly (in a good way) retraining men and their penises to be more considerate, long-term visitors to hospitable vaginas everywhere.  

To employ this technique, you must first get him aroused and erect by any means you choose (feel free to be creative).  Continue working your magic until he feels the impending approach of orgasm, at which point he must immediately let you know.  This is very important.  As soon as he identifies those familiar pre-ejaculatory sensations, he must tell you.  Quickly grip his penis, placing your index and middle finger on top of his glans (the mushroom-shaped head of his penis) and your thumb against the front, underside of the glans where the foreskin attaches.  Now - squeeze (hence the name).  Be firm in your squeezing for about 4 or 5 seconds.  His need to ejaculate should quickly pass and he will lose some of his erection.  Now resume sexual play, avoiding direct contact with his penis for a few minutes.  Once he is fully erect again, repeat the procedure.  Do this several times, allowing him to pleasure you manually or orally, but never letting him ejaculate.  Do not attempt penetration, no matter how tempted you are.  That will undermine all your efforts.  And since your guy could use a few pointers on the female anatomy and how to please you, you should take this opportunity (in the sexiest manner possible) to show him how to bring you to orgasm. Somebody might as well climax, and tonight it's not going to be him - under any circumstance.  This may seem to him like a punishment, but truly it is not.  It is delayed gratification, and it is absolutely necessary to retraining his penis to be able to "go the distance."  

Practice this technique for a few sessions, finally working up to intercourse.  When you do finally achieve penetration, allow him to only thrust a little, pulling out and applying the "squeeze" before he is able to "pop."  Repeat this a few times, until you both feel comfortable that control has been achieved.  Then, and only then, proceed slowly to mutual, unrushed release.  

While this should prove effective, it does require a significant patience and commitment on both your parts, as well as open and honest communication.  It also is advisable that he refrain from masturbating between sexual encounters, as he may inadvertently be falling back into unhealthy speedy-release patterns.  And though the wait may be a bit frustrating for you both, we hope the outcome (no pun intended) will make it all worthwhile.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@everymanseesyounaked.com.   I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.  If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think.  

(C) 2010 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Question:  I split from my ex five months ago.  It was not a good relationship although I tried to make it good for 3 1/2 years.  The reason we split was because of his sex addiction.  He actually wanted me to go away for a couple of months so he could indulge his BDSM lifestyle - and then come back home.  He never understood why I did not enjoy this type of sex (he liked domination, torture and pain -- for me, not him) and thought it unfair that I would deny him this indulgence and if I would not play along he should be able to go outside of our relationship.  Call me crazy but I think a monogamous relationship does not allow for extras.  Our therapist suggested treatment for sex addiction but he never thought anything was wrong.  He still does not understand why I had a problem with his request and has told family and friends horrible things about me.  His parents will not even speak to me and I was very close to them.

I have a stalking order against him (another long story) and I have had no contact with him since the split.  My problem is that I cannot seem to let go.  I think about him all the time, worry about him and I know he is doing foolish things.  All things I have no control over and logically know I do not want in my life.  I guess I just want to know why men say they love you and then cannot control themselves concerning sex.  And not think it is wrong or disrespectful.  Can you explain that one for me? ?Tara  

Answer:  From what I can gather from your letter, it seems apparent that your ex saw your relationship as one where his desires and wishes were of paramount importance, while yours were, annoying and insignificant.  A relationship built on such inequality is doomed from the beginning, and the fact that you were able to last for three and a half years is simply a testament to your tolerance and determination to continue to invest in a losing commodity ? him.

For the most part, I am of the belief that sexual behavior between two consenting adults should be as "white bread" or kinky as both the participants are comfortable with.  In other words, if you both got off on S & M, go for it.  But his badgering you to participate in an activity that he knew would cause you physical pain - pain which you obviously did not want to endure ? is the epitome of selfishness and shows a blatant disregard for you and your feelings.  In fact, the only masochistic tendencies you exhibited were those that lead you to remain in a less-than-satisfying relationship with a semi-sadistic narcissist.  And while he may have been motivated to infidelity by his sex addiction, his rubbing your face in it by suggesting you should "go away for a couple months" so he could satisfy his desire to engage in extracurricular activities, smacks of emotional abuse, in light of your supposedly monogamous status.    

At this point, one has to wonder why would you have any positive feeling left for this guy, given the heinous treatment you endured during your relationship, and the slandering you were subject to after?  You can certainly do much better.  Let me repeat that ? "you can do much better."  And, yes, you can let go ? you just don't want to badly enough.  So quit it!  Stop indulging your bruised and battered self-esteem.  Regardless of any positive attributes he may have possessed, overwhelmingly your ex was bad news.  And the only reason to waste additional emotional energy on him, is because you want to continue to revel in the misery that was your relationship.  At best, that's dysfunctional ? at worst, deeply self-destructive.  You've left him physically, now cut the emotional ties, and cut them for good!

Now (at long last), to your question: "Why do men say they love you and then cannot control themselves concerning sex?"  The fact is, they can, but they sometimes choose not to, either because of laziness, weakness or lack of discipline.  Still others just don't want to control their activities, and view your attempts to quash their philandering ways as a personal affront. Your ex falls into the latter category.  And while this group of men may be fully cognizant of the fact that treating you like that is wrong and disrespectful, they are just too self-involved to really care.    

But do not despair.  There are many good guys out there who understand the meaning of fidelity, and are interested and even anxious to be involved in a mutually rewarding sexual/emotional relationship with you ? one without torture, physical pain, and ongoing emotional abuse.  Actively focus on seeking out one of these guys, while simultaneously severing all ties with the protagonist of your painful past.  Do this, and I promise that your heart and your self-esteem will both breathe a big sigh of relief.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.  If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think.  

(C) 2010 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Men cheat.  Not all men.  Or even most men.

But certainly enough men, that the males of the species have deservedly earned their untrustworthy reputation.  But how can you know if your guy is cheating?  Obviously, it is difficult to know for sure unless he confesses, you catch him in the act, or his mistress emails you incriminating video proof.  But if you suspect your significant other is involved in extracurricular carnal cavorting, there are a few obvious clues to look for.

1) Your guy has always been less than a stickler about his appearance, but suddenly he is moussing, moisturizing, and actually using that nose-hair trimmer you not-so-subtly gave him as a stocking stuffer three years ago.

2) You always believed he would need a GPS device to even find your washer and dryer, but lately his desire to launder his own duds has been verging on obsession.

3) Despite the fact that he is an habitual morning-bather, recently he has taken to showering off the "dirt and grime of the day" before he feels "clean" enough to hit the sheets.

4) You know that your husband uses credit cards for absolutely everything, yet your current bank statement shows numerous ATM withdrawals and cancelled checks made out to "cash."

5) The horn-dog you married never passed up a chance to grope your goodies at any opportunity, yet lately sex seems to only happen when you initiate it.

6) And on those occasions when sex has been on the menu, his standard technique seems to be ever-so-slightly refined.

7) He has never been particularly verbal in his affirmation of his feelings for you, but these days the phrase, "you know I love you," seems to guiltily escape his lips more often than, "I'll have another Heineken."

8) You have crossed your fingers and held your breath for years, hoping he would remember your birthday or anniversary with even a card, but for the last several months he has given you "just because" gifts with increasing frequency.

9) The man who usually gives three-word responses to your questions about his day, now regularly gives you excruciatingly detailed information about his daily itinerary.  When guys give too much information, something is definitely askew.

10) The number of "work-related" calls he has to take has increased dramatically.  

It is important to note that any of these changes in his behavior or activities could be completely innocent.  And his engaging in even two or three of them might also mean he is hiding another, very different secret from you - like planning a surprise party, learning to ballroom dance, or carrying out contract hits for the mob.  If, however, more than half of the above list sounds all-too-familiar, chances are good that your hubby is dipping his wick elsewhere.  And though this revelation may understandably upset you, do not blame the messenger.  I am merely trying to enlighten you.  And remember, you can always still choose to live in denial.  I mean, your birthday is coming up, your guy has always been light on his feet, and killing for money beats being unemployed, right?

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.  If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think.  

(C) 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Question:  Hi, I just read an article you wrote for Fabulously 40: "3 ways to divorce proof your marriage". My question is a little unique. I am considering remarriage to a wonderful man, however; I have a daughter who is legally blind, and she has a beautiful 3 year old daughter. If I remarry, I would be moving out of state. My daughter is not anywhere near being self sufficient and I am not going to just abandon her. My fianc? has said that he would wait as long as it takes for me to help my daughter become independent. Neither myself or my fianc? have plans to break up if this process does not move as fast as we had hoped. I would like to start my own life, but I have always been there for my daughter and granddaughter. I feel like I am abandoning them and trying to usher them out the front door. I figured at my age marriage was not something that would really be in my future (I'm 44, divorced). A marriage proposal should be a joyful event, why do I feel so crappy about it? ...Lynn  

Answer:   First let me say that I sympathize with the position you find yourself in.  It is a dilemma familiar to many parents; having to choose between their own happiness and their commitment to their children.  At best it is a precarious balancing act and at worst, an exercise in self-sacrifice verging on martyrdom.  And in addition to the common concerns everyone has, you also have to take into consideration your daughter's disability.  Certainly your decision is one that demands a great deal of assessment and soul-searching.

Though you did not mention your daughter's age, since she has a three-year-old of her own, I will assume that she is, at least legally, an adult.  You didn't indicate whether her legal blindness is the result of an accident or progressive illness, something she's been dealing with for a few years or a congenital disability.  You also did not indicate if she lives with you or what specific needs she depends on you to provide.  That said, however, I do believe I can bring some clarity to the situation you find yourself in.  To do so, I am first going to address your relationship to your daughter.  While you state that your daughter "isn't anywhere near being self-sufficient," I am assuming that is something you would like to change, and that you would want that regardless of your own personal situation.   And though I understand your daughter's legal blindness may present certain obstacles, these can certainly be overcome with careful thought and planning.  

As far as you feeling bad about abandoning your daughter ? stop that right now!  Just because you've "always been there for your daughter and granddaughter" doesn't mean that is the way it always has to be?or that "being there" for them 24/7 is necessarily in their best interest or your own.  Your availability and willingness to be your daughter's go-to person, even as an adult probably contributes to her lack of self-reliance.  Why should she develop the necessary skills to be independent when her mom cheerfully picks up all the slack?  Far from "abandonment," allowing her to do things for herself and her daughter is probably the most nurturing, productive, encouraging thing you could do.  Yes, you had a duty to care for her in her formative years, but it is equally your obligation to give her the tools to care for herself and her child.  You're not abandoning her, you're giving her the opportunity to grow up.  Please don't take this as a criticism.  All parents are guilty of this to some degree.  And it is only natural that breaking this pattern is difficult and painful.  After years of having our kids depend on us for everything, suddenly relinquishing control to them can be terrifying.  Nonetheless, that is something every parent must do if they want their offspring to become responsible, contributing members of society.

Now to perhaps the most important part: you.  Despite the fact that you may have never considered marrying again, you have found a wonderful man who brings great joy into your life and offers you happiness both in the present and the future.  Having parental obligations, real or perceived, do not release you from the responsibility of providing for your own happiness.  If you let this opportunity for your future slip away, you will not only be hurting yourself and the man you love, but you may be jeopardizing your relationship with your daughter.  You see, at least subconsciously, you may blame her for ruining your romantic chances and develop animosity toward her.  And even if you don't, always subordinating one's own needs in favor of the needs of others is the perfect recipe for discontentment and bitterness.  

So what does all this mean?  It means that you need to guiltlessly set your daughter on the fast-track to adult independence and take pride and pleasure in her newfound self-reliance.  And yes, a marriage proposal, when it's from the right person, IS a joyous occasion.  Embrace your new relationship and start making plans to get on with your life as you simultaneously give your daughter the ability and incentive to do likewise.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.  If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think.  

(C) 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Question:  My question is this?how long do you wait to sleep with a man?one month, two months, more?  Since my eventual goal is to be married, how do I know that the man I'm dating sees me in his future and not just as a  nine-month, ten-month, or even one-night stand? ...Camille  

Answer: While this issue vexes many women, the unpopular truth is that there is really no perfect amount of time to wait before you sleep with a man.  Here is why:

1) For the most part, whoever you are dating wants to sleep with you as soon as possible.

2) Until he sleeps with you, he will likely say and do whatever he believes is necessary to get you into bed.

3) Because you will not be getting to know the real him, just the “him” he wants to let you see, waiting is not really all that beneficial.

4) The more time you spend with him, the more emotionally invested you will probably become, so when you finally do sleep with him, if things do not work out, your hurt will be even greater.

On the other hand, it is never a good idea to do anything  because you feel pressured.  Sleep with him as soon as it feels comfortable to you, keeping in mind items 1 - 4 above.  Sleeping with someone for the first time requires a leap of faith.  Do not be afraid to make the move, just always "look before you leap."

As far as guaranteeing that the relationship will continue after you have sex, that is virtually impossible.  But if he enjoys you both in and out of bed, chances are good that he will be open to further examine the possibilities of a long-term relationship and perhaps marriage.

One word of caution: Unless all you are looking for is recreational sex (which certainly does not seem to be the case), beware of the "booty call."  If your guy does not make plans with you, or only gets together with you spontaneously or late at night, regardless of what he says, he probably perceives you as nothing more than a booty call.  And generally speaking, booty calls do not turn into relationships.  They just remain booty calls.  So that is one call you may prefer not to answer.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.  If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think.  

(C) 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Despite the phenomenal growth of the internet as a source of information, entertainment, social networking and product marketing, very few businesses have been able to actually turn a profit, solely based on web-related revenues.  The lone industry that has seen substantial growth and ever-increasing cash-flow has been the "adult entertainment" sites ? in other words: Porn.  Websites that appeal to the voyeuristic tendencies in men, consistently rank as the most popular and profitable web-based destinations.  And why is this?  Because, like it or not, guys are very visual, and we love to see naked women engaged in sexual situations with men or (even better) other naked women.

"But isn't there something fundamentally wrong with this?" I hear you ask.  "If my guy is really into me, why would he even want to look at other women?"  The answer is easy:  No matter how hot you are, men are inherently aroused by the idea of variety in their sexual partners. But though we have a strong desire to experience a virtual endless array of libidinous women, we recognize that even if we could make that happen (and let's be honest, most guys are scrambling just to find one woman willing to offer regular refuge to their penis), it would destroy any meaningful romantic relationship we had and expose us to a rather unpleasant milieu of virulent and sometimes deadly social diseases.  Thus watching porn allows us to live out our various sexual exploits without the risk of infection or infidelity.  We are able to insert ourselves into these web-based fantasies without actually inserting anything anatomical.  And as long as we don't endeavor to make actual one-on-one contact with anyone, we are merely exercising our creativity (and probably one or both hands) in an effort to satisfy our longing for multiple partners without violating any vows or promises.  

"But isn't it still 'cheating?'"  Only if merely thinking about doing something is a crime.  Because, after all, there is no contact.  He is simply fantasizing about people he will never meet.  And if you believe just thinking is a crime, perhaps you should turn yourself in to the authorities for all the times you mentally committed assault and battery (or worse) on the drivers who cut you off in heavy traffic.

Let me make one important point at this juncture.  In this article, I have been referring to the overwhelming majority of men who occasionally or infrequently happen upon one dirty site or another.  I am not talking about the men who live for porn.  If your guy starts missing meals, work, or opportunities to have real, live, in-person sex with a willing partner, than he has a serious problem.  And as with any addiction, he should seek out professional help.  Also, I am referring to sites that depict sex acts between consenting adults.  If your man is frequenting sex sites that feature underage girls or barnyard animals, his voyeurism has gone from harmless fantasy to disturbingly illegal activity.

So what does this all mean?  It means that, barring obsessive or criminally deviant behavior, the casual surfing for web porn (in the privacy of his own home) is a normal part of most contemporary men's internet experience.  It's anonymous, safe sex with a stranger your man will never touch, taste or smell.  And therein lies the downside for him, and the reason that for a healthy man in a healthy relationship this virtual world will always take a backseat to sex with his significant other.  For as sexy and appealing as an onscreen temptress can be, nothing can truly compete with the warmth, feel, and flesh-to-flesh contact of an intimate romp with a woman who actually calls out your name when things heat up and who never interrupts the proceedings with an error message or a buffering problem.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.  If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think.  

(C) 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.