Question: My significant other does not know how to handle my emotion when I am depressed or sad. He said he wanted to fix things, but he does not know how, so now he tends to shy away. And his avoidance only makes me feel worse. Is there a way for us to arrive at a happy medium? ...Rhonda

Answer: This is a great question, and one that has perplexed women and men for years: How does a man offer emotional support to his significant other, without giving into his natural inclination to try and "fix" things?

In order to answer this question, we must first look at the differences between men and women.  As a rule, men are naturally goal-oriented.  As such, if we encounter a problem of any kind, we immediately try to figure out a way to solve it.  It's a practical approach that serves us well in school, sports, careers, and recreational activities.  It does not, however, work particularly well when dealing with the emotions of the women in our lives.  In fact, more often than not, our earnest efforts to resolve your pain often exacerbate the situation and lead to even more pain, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and general frustration.  The primary reason for this, as you know, is that when you share your feelings and emotions with us, you're usually not looking for a solution or "quick-fix."  You merely want to express what you're feeling, and have us lend a sympathetic ear and perhaps a strong shoulder to cry on.  And that's it.  The sadness or depression you feel will not go away as a result of our pro-active suggestions.  You'll simply stop feeling the way you do in your own time, and not before.  That makes perfect sense to you, but leaves us completely baffled.  For us, it make absolutely no sense to feel bad for even one additional moment if there were some course of action you could immediately pursue that would resolve the underlying reason for your emotional pain.

To further complicate matters, women are naturally more comfortable with their emotions.  They are happy to share their feelings unabashedly and with little or no reservations.  Men, on the other hand, are exactly the opposite.  From the time we're little boys, we are strongly encouraged to keep our feelings and emotions to ourselves.  In fact, being openly emotional is apt to cause us to be ridiculed or even ostracized from our peer group.  For it is "unmanly" to show our emotions (except when it comes to athletic competition - our sole, legitimate "let-your-feelings-run-free" activity).  Thus, after years of hiding how we feel, we are understandably ill-equipped to deal with any display of emotion, ours or anybody else's.

Because we are not devoid of emotions - just ashamed of them, we recognize your suffering and feel great empathy, but we are clueless as to how to make things better.  So after failing miserably time and time again in this area, many of us retreat, deciding to admit defeat, rather than regularly subjecting ourselves and you to our impotent attempts at salving your emotional wounds.

Like many things, open communication between the two of you will go a long way to make this situation better.  You must explain to him that there will be times that you will be sad, or depressed, or melancholy, and there is nothing either of you can do about it.  And while you may share your doubts, sorrows, worries, or frustrations with him, you do not expect or want his help in solving things. You just want him to understand that you're in pain, and that you need his emotional support. Then you must be explicit as to the kind of support you want. Sometimes you may just want him to listen. Other times you may desire his comforting embrace. And there may even be times when you don't want to be touched, but still want his love and acceptance. And he needs to know, that in those times that you eschew physical contact, it is not a reflection of how you feel about him, but rather how you are feeling overall. You are not rejecting him , you are simply avoiding physical contact which may be too much to handle, given your current emotional state.  

The important thing to remember here is that despite his lack of knowledge or comfort in this arena, his strong feelings for you cause him to want to ease your pain by any means possible.  And though his efforts may be clumsy, annoying and counterproductive at times, they come from a good and caring place.  Knowing that, should help you help him help you.  

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think.  

(C) 2010 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Question: I think my husband has a porn problem. I have even seen stuff on our computer suggesting he is in communication with other women. You should know that he has always been very affectionate with me and that hasn't changed. Our sex life is a little lacking, but he has a disability that makes "getting physical" a little bit of a challenge. I have asked about the porn and he denies it. We have been married more than twenty years and I really love him. Last year he was in touch with his old girlfriend, but claims she contacted him . He said that he hid it from me because even though it was completely innocent and nothing happened, he had a fling with this woman many years ago, and didn't think I would understand him talking to her now. However, based on what I've seen, I believe that he is watching porn, still talking to his ex or some other woman, or all three, and pretending to love me. Help if you can. ...Joni  

Answer: First, let's deal with the porn issue. If your husband is looking at online porn, he is like just about every other guy (and some women) using the internet today. Guys are very visual and porn appeals to our more voyeuristic tendencies. As long as he is not obsessed with it (ie. missing work, social appointments, meals, or quality time with you), it is probably just a harmless diversion. Even if he is masturbating to the porn (which is fairly likely), it is not a reflection of his feelings for you. Men often use masturbation purely as a means of quick physical release - a stress reliever, if you will. But why would he do this if he has a willing and able sex partner (you) close by? Because maybe he's already tired, and the idea of the extra effort he may have to exert to have full-on sex with you is a little overwhelming, given his weary state. And to be perfectly honest, most married men masturbate at least on occasion, so truly I don't think this is anything to worry about.  

Since you said your sex life is less-than-stellar, one other thing that comes to mind is that your husband may be avoiding sex on occasion because of his injuries.  Although he may still cherish the intimate interaction with you, the actual mechanics of the act may be uncomfortable and/or possibly even a little painful.  He might also be suffering from performance anxiety given his diminished physical state.  One way for you to maintain the intimacy without him feeling either pain or pressure is to do for him what he is probably now doing for himself to get needed sexual relief - masturbating.  It can be a very sensual experience to manually bring your partner to orgasm.  And, of course, you can switch off doing each other, or grope each other simultaneously.  This mutual masturbation will likely make him feel less pressured and cause him to want to spend more time with you, a real, live, flesh-and-blood woman with magic hands, and less time with two-dimensional online vixens who offer no skin-to-skin contact.  It's kind of win-win for both of you.

On the other hand, if he is having personal contact through text, emails or phone calls with women he's met online, there may be a problem. If these women are merely sex workers (women who use fake names and descriptions of themselves and charge money to have sex-chat with men), then again, this remains in fantasy land, and probably does not greatly threaten your marriage. I'm not saying I approve of it or that you should, but there is very little likelihood that your husband will ever actually meet any of these women in person. If, however, he is "chatting" with non-pros, the potential for disaster is greatly increased. And this is true whether it's an old girlfriend or someone he just met today. In this case, talking usually leads to action - and that can put your relationship in major jeopardy.

So what should you do?  Although he may hate it, talk to him and see if you can get to the bottom of things. While men generally aren't fond of this kind of discussion, let him know it is very important to you to understand what's going on with him. For the best result, you should approach him in the least accusatory way possible. If he does tell you he is continuing to talk to his old girlfriend or flirting with lonely, female strangers online, you should tell him how much that hurts you and that you would appreciate it if he would discontinue this immediately.  If he is unwilling to do so, suggest that you both speak to a marriage counselor - either a licensed therapist or a clergyperson, whichever best suits your situation and budget.

From your description of your relationship with your husband, it does sound like he is honestly in love with you. Men who continue to be affectionate with their spouses after many years of marriage generally do so because they feel that affection. Guys aren't particularly good at faking that kind of thing on a daily basis. It's just too hard. And why bother, if we truly just want out of the relationship? No, I think your husband is still attracted to you, but there are other issues (feelings of inadequacy, worries about his sexual performance, etc.) that are just getting in the way. It is very possible that he is going through some sort of mid-life crisis and is reaching out to other women to reaffirm his masculinity and attractiveness to the opposite sex. The good news is: this has absolutely nothing to do with how deeply he cares for you. It has to do with his feelings of mortality and his worries that he is growing old and unappealing. The bad news is: satisfying his need to feel attractive to other women can alienate the one woman who actually does find him attractive - you.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think.  

(C) 2010 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

It will come as no surprise to any of you who have significant experience interacting with guys, that as a rule, we think about sex frequently...incessantly...almost constantly, whether we are asleep or awake.  And in order to keep things always fresh and interesting, we fuel our sexual mental meanderings with images so profoundly decadent, they could make a porn star blush.  That is not to say that we would actually participate in these episodes of lurid lewdness, and raucous ribaldry (wow, sexually-related language is fun) if we had the opportunity in real life.  No, in many cases our fantasies are most satisfying because they are something we can only dream about without the pressure of having to make them real.  And why is this?  Because the us that exists in our fantasies is an idealization of who we'd like to be...if we had limitless stamina, sensational athleticism, incredible flexibility, and an ever-erect member of mythic proportions.  But as you know, sadly, most of us fall short (no pun intended) in many of these areas.  So living out many of our fantasies is, therefore, an impossible dream.  

That being said, there is one fantasy that most men believe they can actually live out - given the right set of circumstances, an open-minded, accepting partner, and substantial amounts of high-octane libations.  And what is this desire that we most optimistically believe we can realize in this lifetime?  I am talking about, of course, a threesome, or menage-a-trois (everything sounds more exotic in French - even snails).  And while some guys might consider a three-way with a girl and another guy to be exciting, most men desire a more "traditional" girl/boy/girl arrangement, making us the "meat" in this sexual sandwich.  

But why is it that this is the go-to sexual "flight of fancy" of most red-blooded males?  Frankly, I'm not sure there has been extensive research on this subject, or if scholarly works addressing this are available for perusal.  What I do know is that, for guys, having simultaneous, sexual relations with two women at once is an example of "more is more." In other words, sex with one woman is good - and with more than one woman is better. Why? Well, first, there are more of our favorite parts to play with: More lips to kiss; more breasts to caress; more vagina's to...well you get the point. Second, we kind of feel like we've won the lottery. Normally we have to move heaven and earth to get one woman to be intimate with us. Now we have two hot women (okay, in reality they may not always be hot - but in our imaginations, they're smokin') rubbing and kissing on us and using us as their sex toy. What could be better than that? And third, there is always a chance (in our naughty minds, anyway) that any time you get naked girls together in close proximity, they may start getting up-close-and-personal with each other (preferably while we're recovering from our previous carnal cavorting) and we get to have a bird's-eye view. Major voyeurs that we are, seeing two women in an amorous embrace is another big fantasy of the male persuasion. And now after getting reheated from seeing all that lady-lovin', we can join in the festivities and drown in a sea of writhing, moaning, heaving flesh. Then cap it off with a frosty brew and "Sports Center"...and you've got the perfect evening (okay, just kidding about the last part, but hey, it's our fantasy, right?).

Of course, for most men, this is a dream that will never be realized.  And perhaps it's better that way.  The reality of threesomes rarely live up to the hype.  And even when they do, misunderstandings, jealousy, regret, and feelings of betrayal often come into play, putting a damper on the proceedings or the memory thereof.  Nonetheless, as long as there are horny men (are there any other kind?), and women they find attractive, our noble quest for a menage-a-trois will continue, unabated.  It is our pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  And though we know we will probably never find it, we will always forge ahead (mentally, at least) as if this lusty reward is just around the next corner.  And if it's not, a Starbucks probably is.  So if we can't live our dreams, at least we can console ourselves with a caramel macchiato and undress the comely barista with our eyes.  

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think.  

(C) 2010 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Question: I have been married for nineteen years and I was wondering if you know what I should do. The problem is that my husband always ignores me when he's watching TV - no matter what is on - even during commercials. What can I do to stop that? I feel so useless and unwanted. ...Marie  

Answer: Since you did not say that your husband ignores you at other times, as well, I have to assume he engages in this behavior solely when he's watching television, and that he isn't otherwise an insensitive jerk. And if this is the only time he ignores you, then I will conclude that this isn't a symptom of a much larger relationship problem, and instead focus my comments on why I believe he treats you this way during TV time, and what steps you might take to change things.  

First it is important to understand how most men view television.  Often we perceive it as an escape: from our jobs; from our worries; from our responsibilities.  In other words, it's a kind of electronic oasis; a safe place for us to relax and unwind; the "cave" that John Gray referred to in his popular book, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" (our other favorite cave is the bathroom, but that's a whole other story).  As such, when we crawl into this virtual cocoon, we do it to download.  And unlike computers, and well...you - multitasking is not our strong suit.  So carrying on a conversation with us while we're blissed-out in front of the tube, can become a frustrating, demoralizing, and ultimately very unsatisfying exercise indeed.  Is his behavior rude?  Yes.  Is it understandable why you'd be upset?  Absolutely.  So shouldn't your husband stop watching television and pay attention to you?  Maybe.  But right now his need to relax is being infringed upon by your need to converse. So who's need should win out?
Well, in a fair and equitable world, half the time your needs would supersede his, while the other half, his would be top priority. But very few things in life are fair, which is especially true in relationships. What is also true, is that in the scenario you presented, both of you probably feel like the wronged party. And surprise, surprise, you're both right!  

So how can you resolve this impasse and salve your hurt feelings, while still being attentive to your hubby's need for peace and quiet?  I would suggest talking to him about this issue when you do have his complete attention, and certainly not while he's focused on ESPN. Explain that you recognize his need to vegetate in front of the television periodically, and that you are going to do your best to respect his solitude in those times. But along with your promise to be mindful and considerate of his needs, on those occasions when you do find it necessary to interrupt his viewing, he needs to mute or turn off the TV and pay attention to you and your needs.  If your husband is a reasonable and loving man (if he's not, why are you with him?), as he sees you being true to your word and notices you're being more respectful of his "me time," he is likely to be more open to your interruptions on those now-less-frequent occasions when they do occur.

Please understand that I am not suggesting you give your husband a free pass to ignore you for large amounts of time, just because he happens to be in front of the television.  I am saying that everyone needs a reasonable amount of time to themselves at the end of the day, and your giving your husband this time to himself, uninterrupted, will go a long way to improving the overall quality of the rest of the time you spend together. You are respecting his needs, which should, in turn, encourage him to be respectful of yours. If you do this and find that he is still ignoring you, then his inconsideration indicates other, more serious problems in your relationship, and further discussion and perhaps marriage counseling is indicated.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think.  

(c) 2010 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Question: Okay, I've been married for only eight months and my marriage is basically borderline divorce. My husband tells me that I am way too jealous and can't control myself. I am always accusing him of doing stuff and he swears he is not. Now I found out last night that he is indeed meeting up with this girl after work (he gets out at 7am), and tells her that he will tell me he is staying late. I wanted the marriage to work, until last night. Now I am confused. I haven't confronted him, but when I ask what's going to happen to us, he says he doesn't know - he is confused. So I'm thinking, 'is he afraid of commitment?' We have been together for almost four years. He says that I've been the only person that has treated him right, and tells everybody how wonderful I am. So now I'm even more confused. Plus last year he broke up with me, and while broken up (we were still living together), he messed around with someone from work, and that's when I started getting more jealous. What kind of advice can you give me? --Christina  

Answer: I must tell you that your situation is a little tricky to respond to. The way I see it, either your husband is a lying philanderer or you are incredibly insecure, or both!  But since neither of us knows for sure what your husband is actually guilty of, all I can do is give it my best educated guess.  

That said, let me first address what happened last year when the two of you were broken up.  If you were both in agreement that you were no longer in a monogamous relationship (generally the case when you're "broken up"), his messing around with a woman at work was not cheating.  Yes, it wasn't the smartest move on his part, since having sex with a co-worker is always a little dicey, and the two of you were still living together, so you were bound to be emotionally impacted.  But as upsetting and unsettling as it may have been, it does not, in and of itself, indicate that he is incapable of fidelity.  It does, however, explain why you might be a little less trusting than perhaps you were in the past.

This brings us to the present.  By your own admission, for some time now (possibly since you got married), you have been suspicious of your husband, regularly accusing him of having "extracurricular" activities.  It is not clear, whether or not he actually was doing anything untoward. What is clear is that, whether he is guilty or not, you don't trust him - and without trust a relationship cannot survive.  Given what happened last night, it does appear that your husband has reached the point that he is at least considering cheating on you with another woman.  And whether or not this is his first time, or one of series of indiscretions, it definitely does not bode well for your marriage.

I also cannot be certain if your husband's current confusion about your future together is a result of his lack of commitment to your relationship, or his fear that your continual distrust of him (justifiable or not) has inevitably doomed your chances of marital success.  What I can be certain of is that your relationship has reached critical mass.  You must either decide to do whatever it takes to resolve your issues and conflicts, or end the relationship before things deteriorate further.  It certainly might be helpful to seek the services of an experienced marriage counselor to help sort things out.  

If it turns out that your husband was, in fact, unfaithful, you must decide if you can forgive him and move past it, or if his betrayal is a "deal-breaker."  On the other hand, if your suspicions and accusations prove unwarranted, then you have some serious trust issues that you must deal with.  Failure to do so will only guarantee discord in this and all future relationships.  And while I know my assessment isn't particularly sunny, there is always hope.  If you both are committed to making your marriage work, then it probably will.  If not, then it's best you determine that now, so that you can minimize the pain and suffering you both may have to endure.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think.  

(c) 2010 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Men have many positive qualities: We are fairly simple in our needs, and typically pretty easy to please.  We generally are straight-forward in our approach to things and our agenda is usually obvious (except when we're trying to get you into bed the first time - then we are as deceptively manipulative and insincere as a career politician).  One quality we are lacking, however, is the ability to read non-verbal clues from the opposite sex.  When it comes to being sensitive to body language, subtext or nuanced meanings, we are not only clueless, we are just this side of brain-dead.  Thus it is no exaggeration when I say that when it comes to subtlety and innuendo, sadly, my brethren and I can be thick as a brick .

So what does that mean for you?  Well, first of all, it means that anytime you want to communicate something to us, you need to make your request absolutely clear.  Let's say you're out on a date with a guy you're interested in.  You think he likes you, too, so you do your best to give him subtle clues that you would be receptive to him giving you a lip lock.  Despite your best efforts, however, he isn't responding to the numerous "kiss-me" signals you're sending him, so you start thinking he must not be into you.  Wrong!  He's probably been fantasizing about kissing you (along with other, more prurient desires) since he first asked you out.  But chances are he's missed ninety percent of the signals you sent him, and the ten percent he did notice, he badly misread. So what do you do? Well, if you still are interested in swapping saliva, you've got a few choices: 1) You could keep doing what you're doing and pray something clicks in his brain and his lips execute an assertive maneuver; 2) You could be pro-active and just lean in and lay one on him; or 3) You could stroke his hair, lean in close...then do something that he can't possibly misinterpret - like saying, "I'd like you to kiss me." Sure it's bold and artless, but even he will understand your request.  And it's a request that is very unlikely to be ignored or refused.  So, you get to make out with your admittedly dense date, and he gets to start strategizing about getting to second base.  Win-win.

And how about further down the line in your relationship when you want something from him?  Now that you've gotten past that awkward introductory period, certainly he will be more sensitive to your non-verbal cues and unspoken desires.  Don't count on it.  When it comes to "reading between the lines," most of us are basically illiterate.  So, if you'd like your guy to get you a particular gift for your birthday, don't drop hints.  Be blunt about what you want, and be as detailed as possible.  While I know at first it may seem somewhat crass and unseemly, trust me when I say that with some men, it is the only way you've got even a chance of getting what you want.  That is not to say that on his own he might not get you something you will truly treasure.  That absolutely could happen.  Men are often considerate and thoughtful without prodding or instruction.  But if your heart's desire is specific, don't beat around the bush - tell him .

Please don't misinterpret this as any kind of indictment on men and their communication skills.  We're very good at expressing ourselves when it's important to us (like when we want food, sex, or sleep).  And we're equally adept at understanding what you say, as long as you are clear in your meaning and you actually say it out loud . Unlike you, however, we're really abysmal at interpreting vague references, allusions, hints or insinuations. And we are totally oblivious to the language of posture, movement, and gestures - unless, of course, out of frustration with our cluelessness, you flip us the bird. That's a non-verbal communication that even we understand.  

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think.  

(c) 2010 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.