Question:  I am 43 and I think I look pretty hot! My husband hardly touches me, but I see him touching his private parts when I am not there and when I catch him and he looks at me, he does not look like he wants to even try to have sex with me…Why is he doing that?  And he says he loves me and blah, blah, blah…I am about to give up!!! ...Pam  

Answer:  Generally speaking, if a man is sexually able to perform, he will not turn down sex with his partner.  Why then is your guy avoiding you, even though you‘re hot and  ready, willing and able?  There could be several reasons:  

1) There is something else within your relationship that he is very unhappy about and is avoiding sex with you because of it.  Although this is more common with women than with men, there are still some men who won’t perform if they‘re feeling alienated or angry.  

2) You’ve changed in some major way (either physically or attitudinally) and he is unhappy or uncomfortable with that change.  

3) He has performance anxiety due to some condition that he hasn’t disclosed to you.  

4) He’s “getting it” somewhere else.  

5) He finds sex with you less-than-fulfilling.  This is usually not the case, since for most men, any sex, even bad sex, is better than no sex.  

6) He has questions about his sexual preferences.

Any of the above could, in fact, be the cause of his avoidance of intimacy with you.  And the fact that you discovered him masturbating means his equipment is at least operational.  He’s obviously getting friendly with himself because he needs the release, and for whatever reason is unwilling to approach you.  

With that in mind, if you still want a sexual relationship with your husband, my advice is that YOU approach HIM.  Take the initiative and seduce him and see how he reacts.  Tell him you want to please him and ask him to tell you as graphically as possible how you can do that.  Then follow his instructions to the letter.  If that doesn’t re-awaken his desire for you, then it’s time for you to initiate a serious talk to find out what is going on.  So one way or another, at least you’ll know where you stand.  

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.

(C)2008 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

One thing you can usually depend on with men (other than leaving the toilet seat up), is that you can take our words at face value.  Our speech is primarily goal-oriented and our words can be taken literary.  One important example to the contrary, however, is the phrase, “I’ll call you.” On the surface, this phrase sounds simple enough: Three little words that seem to promise a future interaction.  But the truth is, more often than not, when uttered by a guy at the close of a first date, all they really mean is “good-bye.”

So why do guys break with their usual direct (some might call blunt) language usage and opt for a pleasantry that is intentionally misleading, and has left more than a few women wondering if their phone service, hearing, or understanding of the English language is faulty?  The answer may surprise you.  It is primarily because the end of a date is a particularly stressful time for men, and we’re looking for an exit line that is both brief and vaguely upbeat.  “I’ll call you,” fills the bill to a “t.”

You see, for a man, the end of a date is the culmination of a serious amount of effort on his part.  First he had to risk rejection to ask you out.  Then he had to spend the evening trying to impress you with his wit, intelligence, charm and accomplishments, while avoiding alienating you with his opinions, arrogance, poor conversational skills or lack of proper table etiquette.  He wants to make sure everything goes right so at the end of the evening your clothing will magically melt away and the two of you will be joined in a sweaty, undulating mass of ecstatically-intertwined flesh, knowing all the while that, at best, he’ll likely have to settle for a little tongue and a quick feel. But he is also aware that he may fall far short of his goal.  His attempt to initiate physical interaction may subject him to rejection, ridicule or being seriously laughed at. Or, horror of horrors, when he goes in for a lip lock, you might shift the target at the last moment causing him the ultimate humiliation – a close encounter with your cheek.  

So the pressure is on.  And if he is unsure of how well the date went, how much you liked him, how much he liked you or all of the above, and  your parting kiss, hug, handshake or fist-bump was unfulfilling and/or gut-wrenchingly awkward, he may be hard-pressed to come up with some succinct witticism to bid you an appropriate farewell.  And at this point, though he may be uncertain about the future of your relationship, he still doesn’t want to ruin any possible potential with you by abruptly saying, "Ciao," “It’s been real,” or “See ya’.”  Thus he trots out that trusty old chestnut, “I’ll call you,” which allows him to quickly extricate himself from an uncomfortable situation with optimism and a little dignity.  If he actually is satisfied with your evening together, he will probably be true to those words and dial, email, fax or text you for a repeat performance.  If, on the other hand, he is undecided about his feelings or deflated, disappointed or depressed by your encounter, he can now safely retreat to the sanctuary of his abode and engage in quiet introspection to determine how he really feels about you and a potential second date.  Or he can just get drunk and watch internet porn.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.

(C)2008 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Question: I have been seeing an entertainer almost 3 years now. The first year was really rocky - full of attraction and the chase (by him) but I had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship and it was merely 3 years after the death of my father and I wasn't trying to jump right back into another relationship or emotional commitment. He too, was apparently getting out of something which I found out about because a woman called me 'protecting her territory'. I confronted him about the call and the caller and he was honest.  It only happened once and never since.

The second year, we started getting closer. He started trusting me with very personal things (although he lied about his age) and I felt like we were going along a road that could lead to a sensible relationship. We haven’t spent any holidays together – sometimes he is touring and since he has kids, sometimes he is with his family. My friends think I am crazy that after 3 years we should be more of a ‘couple’ and spend holidays together but at first, I really didn’t want that. He travels a lot which strangely I have gotten used to (and his ex cheated on him for that reason so he has trust issues there); at first I complained that he was not very communicative when he left -and now he will call every single time he is leaving and email/text/call when he is gone. Anytime I express displeasure at something – he does make an effort to rectify. I did ask for an HIV & STD test – which he willingly did and supplied the results. Now, I have never been to his house. I have never met his family – although we have spoken about them (and he has met my brother). We have similar friends but because of who he is and the industry, we keep our relationship on the low to protect our privacy – for as long as we can.  

Year three - here we still are together. I know now definitely that I love him and I genuinely care for him. I wanted to be sure that past emotional baggage was out of the way first. We enjoy our time together but it’s so random and short; I want more and I feel like he can give more - but I don't know how much. I suppose, we would have to go more public with our relationship if I wanted to spend more time with him that is not quite so private; I know he depends on coming home to me but there is a part of me that wonders why he hasn't taken me to his home? I haven't insisted since I think it’s inappropriate, and I know his kids do not live with him; How do I tell him that I am ready for more and need more from him without demanding it although. I don't want some patterned relationship of him coming to my apartment and making love, him leaving at 4am and then we speak on the phone the rest of the time. Unfortunately, it’s a pattern I started because I didn't want the closeness and now I want it, I am not sure how to get it.  Help. ...Ms. Dating the Entertainer

Answer: Yours is a very interesting letter.  Basically, what you're asking is: How do you change the ground rules of a relationship without seeming demanding?  That's a very good question.

Here are a few issues that I think you should consider:

1) Men are generally comfortable with the status quo and will usually take little initiative to change it.  Conversely, women generally like to set up guidelines and alter them to accommodate the complex and changing nature of relationships.  You and he once had similar needs and desires and your “ground rules” reflected this.  Now, your love has grown, so your desires have changed and you want to re-visit the parameters of your relationship.  The question is: Has his love grown, too?  And if so, are the changes you want, things that he might be amenable to?

2) By your vagueness in describing him as “an entertainer,” I will assume that he has a certain amount of celebrity status and would like to keep his liaison with you out of the headlines.  Is there any other reason that he might want to keep your relationship a secret?

3) Be careful not to let your friends define how your relationship “should” be.  Friends mean well, but generally their advice is biased toward you and not particularly objective.  What is acceptable behavior in your relationship can only be defined by you and your man.  Don’t let your friends’ issues be your own.

4) What specifically are you looking for?  You say you want “closeness,” but I’m not sure what that means.  Are you looking for a traditional relationship, where you spend time with each other’s friends and families periodically, go out to public places, and generally do the whole “boyfriend-girlfriend” thing?  Are you desiring some sort of public acknowledgement of your importance in his life?  Are you hoping to make the relationship more permanent – get engaged, move in together, get married?  First and foremost, in order to get what you want, you have to clearly know what that is and be able to ask for it – regardless of the consequences.  Yes, there’s always the possibility he doesn’t want what you now want, and you will scare him off/push him away.  But if you don’t let your desires be known, in time, you will likely grow resentful of him, and that will not bode well for the long term success of your relationship.

The bottom line is this: You need to summon up your courage and clear the air.  Talk to him.  Tell him how you‘re feeling.  Tell him you‘re not trying to pressure him, just “taking his temperature.”  Then together you can decide just where you are BOTH comfortable in taking this relationship.  I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out the way you want.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.

(C)2008 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

I previously wrote a column addressing a letter from a reader asking why men stray and what can be done to keep them from doing it.   I explained the behavior and then gave suggestions on what women could do to guard against it.  Upon further reflection, however, I feel that I was invoking a cause and effect relationship that frequently doesn’t exist.  I tried to tie in “what guys look for in a relationship” with the issue of fidelity, and frankly, that was a mistake.  They are two separate, usually unrelated topics, and I should treat them as such.  Therefore, in an effort to not muddy the waters with confusing rhetoric (we get enough of that in a Presidential election year) and speak directly to the question, I have revised my answer.  Apologies to those I confused or frustrated with my previous dissertation.

Generally speaking, men cheat because they have the opportunity.  That doesn’t mean that a guy will definitely cheat just because he has the chance, but rather that availability of a ready and willing partner is the primary motivator in moving men toward infidelity.  And they may be unfaithful, even if they are perfectly content in their relationship with their significant other.  In other words, their cheating is not reflective of how they feel about you.  It simply indicates their unwillingness to exercise a little discipline and resist temptation – no matter how into you they may be.  I repeat, they MAY cheat even if they are incredibly happy in their relationship with you and you have an incredible sex life.  It is not a failing on your part or indication that there is something fundamentally wrong in your relationship.  It has to do with the fact that monogamy is counter-intuitive for men, and therefore committing to have sex forever-after with one woman and only one woman is a challenge.  And that challenge is one that many men are just not up to.

So what can you do to absolutely insure your guy won’t stray?  Precious little.  There is no product warranty on guys.  His fidelity is based on his ability to embrace monogamy, no matter how unnatural it may seem to him.  If he wins that battle, you have a faithful partner.  It’s as simple as that.

That being said, not all men are equal in the potential-for-cheating department.  Guys tend to fall into one of three groups: 1) Those who are open to the possibility, itching to cheat, or actively pursuing “extracurricular” activity; 2) Those who like to think they wouldn’t cheat, but who can and do succumb when opportunity knocks (by far, the largest group); and 3) Those who have the discipline to resist temptation…even when opportunity is present.  For this group, remaining faithful is a matter of honor.  Betraying you would be betraying themselves, and they will avoid doing that at almost any cost.  

Obviously, the men in group number one are a lost cause.  These unrepentant horndogs will cheat.  Period.  If there is no opportunity they will make one.  What you do or don’t do is of little consequence.  It is not, however, so cut-and-dried for group number two.  While they are certainly vulnerable to temptation, if they are satisfied in their relationships they are unlikely to actively go on the prowl.  Sure, if something (or someone) drops into their laps, they may give in to their desire, but their happiness with you and their relationship (and to no small extent, their sex life) may give them strong incentive to resist.  Conversely, if they feel unhappy or unfulfilled in their relationship, they are likely to use their dissatisfaction as an excuse to cheat.  While this is obviously a rationalization, it is all many men in this group need to justify doing what their penis is prompting them to do anyway.  In group number three, however, the opposite is the case.  Short of physical and mental abuse, many of these guys will remain faithful almost to a fault.  And while that is certainly an admirable quality, their dogged adherence to a strict moral code could annoyingly extend to other parts of their life, including areas in which you might rightly wish they were a bit more flexible.

So, as you see, groups one and three are virtually unfazed by what you say or do.  Group two, however, may be influenced by lack of contentment in their relationship, but contentment alone is not enough to guarantee their fidelity.  Members of this group would be wise to avoid situations that would test their ability to resist temptation.  

One final word: While I paint what may be perceived as a dismal view of men’s ability to remain true to one woman, the fact is that statistically speaking, there are millions of men who never cheat.  Perhaps you are involved with one of them, and if so, count your blessings and treat them well.  It may not impact their fidelity, but don’t they deserve a little kudos for being one of the few, the proud, the faithful?

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.

(C)2008 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Several weeks ago I wrote a column on “Men’s Dirty Little Secrets” and spilled the beans on the fact that most men don’t know much about condoms, except that they’re a mood-killer, sensation-duller, and overall huge pain-in-the-ass.  At that time, I didn’t elaborate, but judging from your emails, I piqued a number of readers’ curiosity.  Thus, I am responding with a short treatise on “The Proper Care and Feeding of a Prophylactic.”  

Before I begin, however, I want to address a few questions that might understandably be crossing your mind, such as: “Why is he giving instructions to women on condom usage?  Shouldn’t he be giving this info to men?  Don’t we have enough birth control methods to be in charge of - can’t guys be responsible for one thing?”  All fair questions, to be sure.  But the bottom line on this subject is: Despite readily-available instructions, guys are woefully unaware of their lack of knowledge in this arena.  And if men are ignorant about how to properly apply, use, remove and dispose of a condom, women are the ones who are going to unwittingly pay the price.  And with the price being unwanted pregnancy or contraction of a potentially-fatal disease, the need for you to be educated becomes imperative.  It may not be your job, but if your guy is ill-informed or clueless, you will still have to endure the consequences.

The first thing to know about condoms is that they were not originally developed to stop pregnancy.  In fact, when they came into existence, their mission was to stop the spread of STDs which were apparently running rampant in certain parts of “civilized society.”  Their usage as a contraceptive device didn’t come into play until more than a century later when scientists finally figured out that providing a barrier to those sneaky, resourceful little spermatozoa bastards could effectively limit the number of legitimate and illegitimate offspring who would ultimately be fighting tooth and nail for their share of said sperm producer’s estate.  And so it was, that this pesky penis protector, then made of animal intestines, found its way into the hearts, minds and vaginas of our sexually-active ancestors.

But that’s enough digression.  Let’s talk about modern condoms and their usage.  As you know, when used correctly, today’s latex condoms are touted to be about ninety-seven percent effective as a contraceptive device and offer one of the best defenses against STDs this side of keeping your legs tightly crossed (animal skin condoms, while purportedly offering similar pregnancy protection and more sensation to the male, are a less effective method of stemming the flow of organisms that cause sexually transmitted diseases).  So how are these condoms properly used?  

1)Always check the expiration date on the condom, something guys generally neglect.  While sometimes difficult to do in the heat and low-light of passionate encounters, it is nonetheless vital to the process of effective usage.  I mean, you wouldn’t drink expired milk, and the worst that could cause is gastro-intestinal distress.  Expired condoms can cause babies and death (a bit dramatic, but still true).

2)The condom needs to be put on before any close encounters with your lower lips.  The pre-ejaculate fluid that loiters at the penis tip early on in the erectile process can contain sperm and transmittable microbes if your partner is STD-infected.  So “no rubbin’ without a rubber.”

3)The penis needs to be erect before you cloak it in a condom.  If your guy optimistically wrapped his manhood before he even picked you up for dinner, demand he re-apply a brand new one (the old one may have been compromised and why take the chance) when he is at “full attention.”

4)Take the new, unexpired, condom out of its packaging.  Squeeze the tip, to force out any accumulated air and create a space for the seminal fluid that will certainly be forthcoming (Do this even if the condom is manufactured with a “receptacle tip,” and especially if it is not).  Failure to provide adequate room for the impending geyser, significantly increases the likelihood of condom breakage.  That spurt of “manseed” has to go somewhere, after all.  And if a proper “holding area” hasn’t been created, the expelled semen may actually bust through the latex, making a mess, both literally and figuratively.

5)Next, smooth the condom all the way down the penis.  The condom is like a homeowner’s insurance policy, and you’re looking for complete coverage.  Why?  Because once you get to bumpin’ and grindin’ you want to make sure that sucker is firmly anchored in place, and the more grip-able surface, the better.

6)Now to the matter of lubrication.  Those of you who have read my book, “Every Man Sees You Naked,” already know what a lubrication advocate I am.  And plentiful lubrication when using a condom is absolutely essential.  I am not talking about the warm, organic fluid that naturally moistens your vagina and indicates arousal and penetration-preparedness.  I am talking about the kind of lubricant you purchase with mild discomfort at Walgreens, all the while hoping you don’t run into your boss, your elderly aunt, or your pastor.  This lubricant should be water-soluble, like KY Jelly or Astroglide.  Lotions, butter, or petroleum-based products should never be used with condoms, as their chemical reaction with latex may compromise the condom’s structural integrity.  In other words, avoid these unless you want to get knocked-up or infected.  Why lubricant?  Because sexual activity creates friction and friction can rub you and your condom the wrong way.  And though you may only suffer a little soreness, too much friction can increase the risk of condom breakage (Hey, maybe they should make these things out of something a little more durable – like titanium, perhaps).  In any case, the more lubrication, the less friction.  The less friction, the more effective the condom usage.  And it goes without saying; the lubricant goes ON THE OUTSIDE of the condom.  Lubricate the inside, and you may later find yourself on a scavenger hunt of your womb.

7)Now a quick word about spermicides.  Use of this stealthy sperm assassin can enhance the contraceptive effectiveness of the condom.  It may be discreetly purchased online or at your local drug store.  And some condoms are even “pre-lubed” with a spermicidal agent…a definite plus.  Whatever your choice, if you’re serious about putting off parenthood, a spermicide is an effective complement to other contraceptive measures.

8)So he properly put on his non-expired condom prior to contact with your private parts.  He glazed his completely-sheathed erection with the recommended lubricant and then (finally) insinuated himself inside your hospitable environment.  Then you two went at it like rabbits.  Now, if you don’t want to have bunnies in your future, there is still one more thing he needs to do.  Very soon after he has had his orgasm, he must grip the condom at the base, near his testicles, and carefully extricate himself from the warmth of your loins.  In plain English, he should cum and go.  You see, as soon as your guy ejaculates, he begins to slowly (and sometimes not-so-slowly) lose his erection.  This gradual “shrinkage” causes the condom to fit less snuggly and allows for the contained seminal fluid to begin slithering down his shaft and out the bottom of the condom.  And if your man is still imbedded in you, all his escaping swimmers may breaststroke their way into your lower passage, searching ever vigilantly for a receptive egg to cozy up to.  And you don’t want that to happen, right?  So, gently but firmly, insist he “vacate your premises” (your vagina, not your house) soon after he’s done his thing.

9)Once he’s safely withdrawn, he should dispose of his condom in the trash.  Suggest to him that he not flush it down the toilet, as it may clog your pipes (and not in a good way).  He then should wash all remaining remnants of his “love-juice” off his member before rejoining you in bed to revel in the afterglow (still keeping his penis and your vagina at arm’s length, lest a few stray but potent drops of his discharge be lurking at his penile tip, ready to make their assault on your now unprotected womanhood).

So there it is.  Everything you and your guy need to know about how to properly protect both of you from unwanted pregnancy and the spread of nasty illnesses.  And although you may think he already knows all this, if he uses a condom and doesn’t strictly adhere to all of the above-mentioned procedures, he really is putting both of you at risk.  But if you don’t feel comfortable broaching the subject with him, feel free to literally take matters into your own hands.  You can then turn applying, “lubing,” and removing his condom into a sexy, positive experience.  He’ll likely appreciate your efforts without ever realizing that your motivation was his lack of knowledge.  You protected his ego and your health.  And what could be better than that?  

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.

(C)2008 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

In response to a previous column, I received the following letter, which I would like to share with my readers.

Question: My question is very personal, but I read your blog and found it interesting. My husband, believe it or not, says he has to be in the mood for oral sex especially when I want to do it to him. Is this odd?  Do you think I am doing something wrong?  I want to please him, and I personally enjoy it.  Any advice you can give I would appreciate. …Allison

Answer: You ask a very interesting question: Does a man (in this case, your husband) have to be in the mood to receive oral sex?

The simple answer to this is: No. Since receiving oral sex requires almost no effort on the part of the recipient, and the outcome is decidedly pleasant and lacks any performance anxiety, there are very few reasons a man would NOT want to be pleasured this way. In fact, most men complain about not receiving this kind of attention enough. And frankly, I’ve never heard complaints about receiving too MUCH oral sex.

I can think of several reasons, however, that a man might want to limit the frequency of oral sex: 1) He struggles with the perception that this kind of activity is demeaning, and despite his enjoyment of it, tries to limit the number of times he SUBJECTS you to it; 2) He has some religious objection to this form of sexual activity; 3) He had some negative experience with oral sex in the past, the memories of which are sometimes triggered by your oral attention; 4)He is worried about orgasming too soon this way, and thus eliminating (at least for 20 or 30 minutes) the possibility of having “regular” sex; 5) He feels as if you are using oral sex as a way to gain his attention when he is trying to focus on other important things…in other words, you‘re making oral sex a “pleasant annoyance;” 6) He is having sex with someone else, or has recently masturbated, and doesn’t want you to have that close contact with his penis and discover either of these things; 7) Your oral sex technique is somewhat lacking and he doesn’t know how to tell you – so he endures your ministrations as infrequently as possible.

Since I can’t possibly know which one of these things is behind his attitude, I can only make limited suggestions. They are as follows: 1) If you have no other reason to believe he is cheating on you, forget about reason #6 – although if he is like most men, he probably is still masturbating on occasion, which, by the way, is no reflection on his interest in you or your ability to satisfy him. 2) If you are unaware of any traumatic sexual occurrence in his past, or you know him to be devoid of any significant religious objections, you can discount those as possible reasons for his attitude, as well. 3) Many women are not that skilled in their oral technique, though they are unaware of this, because guys hardly ever bring this up. If this is his issue, I am certain he is reluctant to tell you and possibly hurt your feelings. There is an easy solution to this problem, however: Next time you start to mouth him, tell him it would really excite you if he described in explicit detail just what he’d like you to do. Then follow his direction to a “T.” He will have the opportunity to teach you exactly what he enjoys (and what he doesn’t like), in a positive environment, free of the worry that he’ll hurt or insult you. And you’ll be able to replicate your actions every time you dive below his belt. And maybe he’ll even get the idea to do the same with you…and have you instruct him on how YOU want to be pleasured, next time he applies his tongue to your tropical region. That’s what you truly call a “win-win” situation!

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.

(C) 2008 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.