Question:  After having an affair 8 years ago, out of the blue the man calls me to tell me he "wanted to make sure I was okay," and ended the call with "I also wanted to tell you I still love you after all these years."  I'm still married and worked through the affair, but never really got over it.  So I began to "chat" with the Other .  He was married to a woman for 22 years before their divorce. During our affair, he told me of another woman he was "in love" with, which tore me up inside.  I thought that the two people having an affair would be really into each other--not trailing a line of other people behind.  Anyway, Other  ended up marrying the woman and is now separated from her.  

So now he calls me, we have a few chats and get pretty wound up with each other.  Then he ends up telling me he's seeing someone--after a very intimate and loving conversation.  My brain never felt so messed up.  But curiosity got the best of me and I asked plenty of questions.  I come to find out that Other's  seeing a former student of his (he's a 52-year-old college professor) and she's 27.  He goes on to tell me he had a threesome with her and he won't be available to chat because she's coming to visit (she lives 420 miles from him and sees her once a month)--so I don't hear from him for four days.  

There's a push and pull and tug here that I'm trying to understand in men, particularly this man.   Other  told me he was diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder...and that explains a lot about what I went through with him eight years ago.  Now, on top of that, I feel as if he's sadistic too--just hurting me with telling me about this very young girl.  I'm 40--and I feel repulsed by the thought of a threesome, and a man that is screwing around with someone 25 years younger (his son is the same age).  So---is this guy totally messing with my brain?  And why would someone do this...and....why would he ever call in the first place when he's getting it from some young slut?  He doesn't need me...and now my life is just turned upside down--my brain can't handle any of it. ?Darlene  

Answer:  If I could distill my advice down to a single word, that word would be: "Run!"  The probable outcome of re-involving yourself with this man will likely be lots of emotional upheaval, guilt, regret, confusion, pain and self-loathing.  Why do I say this?  Because every indication is that this guy is at best, insensitive, and at worst, a master manipulator.  The saying goes: "You can cheat on your wife, but you don't cheat on your mistress."  Yet, he did both, eight years ago, with little regard for either of your feelings.  Then he bragged about loving someone else, despite the fact that you were risking your marriage and future being involved with him.

Now he's returned, again insinuating himself into your life, trying to lure you back into his web, knowing you're vulnerable to him and his lines.  Don't believe he still "loves you after all these years."  If he did he wouldn't call you up out of the blue, throwing your whole world into turmoil?only to once again savage your heart by telling you he's hot for some twenty-something girl with whom he had a three-some.  I don't think he "still" loves you, because I doubt he is capable of loving anyone but himself.  Someone who truly cares about you would never be so blatant in his disregard for your feelings, no matter how much he wanted to get inside your pants.  

It's hard to say whether he is more motivated by his urge to have sex with you, his desire to stroke his own ego by proving he can still "get to you," or his need to diminish your self respect in order to enhance his own.  In any case, none of these are good reasons for you to disrupt your life and peace of mind and plunge headfirst down the rat hole that any relationship with him must surely be.  I know this may sound harsh, but you asked for my honest assessment, and thus I feel compelled to give it to you in the most straight-forward way possible.  My opinion is that any romantic entanglement with this guy is going to ultimately end in heartache for you.  Do yourself a favor and immediately tell him good-bye and good riddance.  Your heart will thank you.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.

(C)2008 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Question:  I wanted to ask - in regards to anal play: My husband and I use to do it when we were younger.  I still enjoy it sometimes, but it can hurt and even make me bleed a little?  Are we just too old to enjoy that particular form of play?   ?Angie  

Answer:  As far as anal sex is concerned, I don't believe you are too old to engage in any sexual activity that both you and your partner find pleasurable.  You must, however be mindful of a few things, in order to keep the experience positive and pain-free.

That area of the body is not specifically designed for incoming traffic, so patience and careful preparation are necessary when engaging in “backdoor gymnastics.”  As always, proper hygiene is important.  Both his penis and your rectal area should be clean to minimize the spread of bacteria during invasive sexual activity.  

Next, don’t scrimp on the lubricant.  Sex inherently causes friction, and anal sex, by its very nature and tight fit can take that friction to an extreme level.  Therefore, special care must be taken to sufficiently lubricate the area to reduce friction, and lessen the possibility of abrasion and tearing (both of which can cause bleeding, and increase your exposure to infection).  I suggest starting with general foreplay to increase both of your levels of arousal.

When both of you are sufficiently excited, your husband should now shift his focus to your anus.  Liberally lubricating a finger, he should gently insert it into your rear passage.  As he gains more depth, and your sphincter (the rubber-band like muscle that is your rectum’s gatekeeper) begins to relax, he should start to SLOWLY move in and out to increase your arousal and help prepare your anal cavity for the arrival of a larger occupant.  When you feel relaxed and ready to proceed, liberally coat his penis with a water-soluble lubricant, like KY Jelly or AstroGlide and re-lubricate your anus.  You‘re then ready for your husband to gently ease himself into you, moving slowly to minimize tearing and allowing you to easily accommodate him.  When he has reached the maximum depth of penetration that both of you can comfortably handle, he can now very slowly begin to move in and out, increasing speed as you and he become more comfortable with the motion.

One important note:  After anal sex, it is essential that your husband completely wash his penis before he has any further contact with your vaginal area, to avoid the spread of harmful bacteria.  He should also not fondle your genitalia with fingers that have invaded your anus, for similar reasons.

I hope that answers your questions and makes for a mutually enjoyable sexual experience.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.

(C)2008 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

At a time when fifty percent (or more) of marriages end in divorce, it is no surprise that one of the most frequent questions I am asked is, "Is there anything I can do to keep my marriage/relationship from falling apart?"  The good news is, yes, if you and your partner really want your relationship to "go the distance" and avoid being just another sad, divorce statistic, there are three specific, and deceptively simple things you can do right now to start divorce-proofing your marriage.  

1) Treat each other politely.  What I mean by this is: You should treat your partner with at least the same degree of common courtesy you use with friends, business associates or strangers you come into contact with on a daily basis.  I'm talking about simple good manners: Saying "please" and "thank you" and excusing yourself when your gastro-intestinal tract suddenly expels noxious fumes at either end.  This is so basic to any successful encounter, let alone a significant relationship, that you would think this would be second nature to most people.  Alas, it is not.  As we get more and more comfortable in a relationship we often "relax" into patterns of interaction that could be described as barely civil, at best, and down-right rude, at worst.  And the saddest part is that we're usually completely unaware of our behavior.  We're just "being ourselves."  Well, STOP!  Studies show that couples who make a point of employing good manners and treating each other politely, are overwhelmingly more successful and happier in their relationships than their less-civil counterparts.  Bottom line is: Play nice ? and you'll be playmates for a long time.

2) Don't criticize or berate each other.  Instead, be complimentary and supportive.  This one is pretty self-explanatory.  Again, this is a very simple and straight-forward concept that so many people forget once they are comfortably entrenched in their marriage.  Negativity undermines the foundation of many relationships.  And this is doubly true of critical invectives flung at your spouse in the presence of others.  Yet how many times have you been out in public and heard one of your friends speak to their significant other in a critical or derogatory manner (e.g. "Don't be such an asshole!" or "Why are you being such a bitch?")?   Conversely, if you get in the habit of dealing with your spouse in a loving, complimentary manner, you create an environment of support that inspires cooperation and harmony and helps ensure that "happily ever after" isn't an impossible dream.

3) Touch each other on a regular basis.  This one is incredibly important.  And I'm not referring here to sexual touch (although I'm a strong proponent of   that , as well).  I'm talking about simple contact: Putting a reassuring hand on your mate's shoulder; squeezing their hand supportively; touching their arm warmly as you pass by.  Do this with purpose or for no particular reason, but do it?several times a day every day.  It's an incredibly bonding experience which establishes a level of caring and intimacy that reinforces the physical and emotional closeness of your relationship.  Plus, it just feels really good.

As I stated above, these suggestions are things you can initiate immediately, that combined, will have a surprisingly positive effect on your relationship.  And though these "quick fixes" may seem too simplistic to be effective, what do you have to lose giving them a try?  Just do it.  The marriage you save may be your own.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.

(C)2008 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Question:  I am 43 and I think I look pretty hot! My husband hardly touches me, but I see him touching his private parts when I am not there and when I catch him and he looks at me, he does not look like he wants to even try to have sex with me?Why is he doing that?  And he says he loves me and blah, blah, blah?I am about to give up!!! ...Pam  

Answer:  Generally speaking, if a man is sexually able to perform, he will not turn down sex with his partner.  Why then is your guy avoiding you, even though you're hot and  ready, willing and able?  There could be several reasons:  

1) There is something else within your relationship that he is very unhappy about and is avoiding sex with you because of it.  Although this is more common with women than with men, there are still some men who won't perform if they're feeling alienated or angry.  

2) You've changed in some major way (either physically or attitudinally) and he is unhappy or uncomfortable with that change.  

3) He has performance anxiety due to some condition that he hasn't disclosed to you.  

4) He's "getting it" somewhere else.  

5) He finds sex with you less-than-fulfilling.  This is usually not the case, since for most men, any sex, even bad sex, is better than no sex.  

6) He has questions about his sexual preferences.

Any of the above could, in fact, be the cause of his avoidance of intimacy with you.  And the fact that you discovered him masturbating means his equipment is at least operational.  He's obviously getting friendly with himself because he needs the release, and for whatever reason is unwilling to approach you.  

With that in mind, if you still want a sexual relationship with your husband, my advice is that YOU approach HIM.  Take the initiative and seduce him and see how he reacts.  Tell him you want to please him and ask him to tell you as graphically as possible how you can do that.  Then follow his instructions to the letter.  If that doesn't re-awaken his desire for you, then it's time for you to initiate a serious talk to find out what is going on.  So one way or another, at least you'll know where you stand.  

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.

(C)2008 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

One thing you can usually depend on with men (other than leaving the toilet seat up), is that you can take our words at face value.  Our speech is primarily goal-oriented and our words can be taken literary.  One important example to the contrary, however, is the phrase, "I'll call you." On the surface, this phrase sounds simple enough: Three little words that seem to promise a future interaction.  But the truth is, more often than not, when uttered by a guy at the close of a first date, all they really mean is "good-bye."

So why do guys break with their usual direct (some might call blunt) language usage and opt for a pleasantry that is intentionally misleading, and has left more than a few women wondering if their phone service, hearing, or understanding of the English language is faulty?  The answer may surprise you.  It is primarily because the end of a date is a particularly stressful time for men, and we're looking for an exit line that is both brief and vaguely upbeat.  "I'll call you," fills the bill to a "t."

You see, for a man, the end of a date is the culmination of a serious amount of effort on his part.  First he had to risk rejection to ask you out.  Then he had to spend the evening trying to impress you with his wit, intelligence, charm and accomplishments, while avoiding alienating you with his opinions, arrogance, poor conversational skills or lack of proper table etiquette.  He wants to make sure everything goes right so at the end of the evening your clothing will magically melt away and the two of you will be joined in a sweaty, undulating mass of ecstatically-intertwined flesh, knowing all the while that, at best, he'll likely have to settle for a little tongue and a quick feel. But he is also aware that he may fall far short of his goal.  His attempt to initiate physical interaction may subject him to rejection, ridicule or being seriously laughed at. Or, horror of horrors, when he goes in for a lip lock, you might shift the target at the last moment causing him the ultimate humiliation ? a close encounter with your cheek.  

So the pressure is on.  And if he is unsure of how well the date went, how much you liked him, how much he liked you or all of the above, and  your parting kiss, hug, handshake or fist-bump was unfulfilling and/or gut-wrenchingly awkward, he may be hard-pressed to come up with some succinct witticism to bid you an appropriate farewell.  And at this point, though he may be uncertain about the future of your relationship, he still doesn't want to ruin any possible potential with you by abruptly saying, "Ciao," "It's been real," or "See ya'."  Thus he trots out that trusty old chestnut, "I'll call you," which allows him to quickly extricate himself from an uncomfortable situation with optimism and a little dignity.  If he actually is satisfied with your evening together, he will probably be true to those words and dial, email, fax or text you for a repeat performance.  If, on the other hand, he is undecided about his feelings or deflated, disappointed or depressed by your encounter, he can now safely retreat to the sanctuary of his abode and engage in quiet introspection to determine how he really feels about you and a potential second date.  Or he can just get drunk and watch internet porn.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.

(C)2008 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Question: I have been seeing an entertainer almost 3 years now. The first year was really rocky - full of attraction and the chase (by him) but I had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship and it was merely 3 years after the death of my father and I wasn't trying to jump right back into another relationship or emotional commitment. He too, was apparently getting out of something which I found out about because a woman called me 'protecting her territory'. I confronted him about the call and the caller and he was honest.  It only happened once and never since.

The second year, we started getting closer. He started trusting me with very personal things (although he lied about his age) and I felt like we were going along a road that could lead to a sensible relationship. We haven’t spent any holidays together - sometimes he is touring and since he has kids, sometimes he is with his family. My friends think I am crazy that after 3 years we should be more of a ‘couple’ and spend holidays together but at first, I really didn’t want that. He travels a lot which strangely I have gotten used to (and his ex cheated on him for that reason so he has trust issues there); at first I complained that he was not very communicative when he left -and now he will call every single time he is leaving and email/text/call when he is gone. Anytime I express displeasure at something - he does make an effort to rectify. I did ask for an HIV & STD test - which he willingly did and supplied the results. Now, I have never been to his house. I have never met his family - although we have spoken about them (and he has met my brother). We have similar friends but because of who he is and the industry, we keep our relationship on the low to protect our privacy - for as long as we can.  

Year three - here we still are together. I know now definitely that I love him and I genuinely care for him. I wanted to be sure that past emotional baggage was out of the way first. We enjoy our time together but it's so random and short; I want more and I feel like he can give more - but I don't know how much. I suppose, we would have to go more public with our relationship if I wanted to spend more time with him that is not quite so private; I know he depends on coming home to me but there is a part of me that wonders why he hasn't taken me to his home? I haven't insisted since I think it's inappropriate, and I know his kids do not live with him; How do I tell him that I am ready for more and need more from him without demanding it although. I don't want some patterned relationship of him coming to my apartment and making love, him leaving at 4am and then we speak on the phone the rest of the time. Unfortunately, it's a pattern I started because I didn't want the closeness and now I want it, I am not sure how to get it.  Help. ...Ms. Dating the Entertainer

Answer: Yours is a very interesting letter.  Basically, what you're asking is: How do you change the ground rules of a relationship without seeming demanding?  That's a very good question.

Here are a few issues that I think you should consider:

1) Men are generally comfortable with the status quo and will usually take little initiative to change it.  Conversely, women generally like to set up guidelines and alter them to accommodate the complex and changing nature of relationships.  You and he once had similar needs and desires and your “ground rules” reflected this.  Now, your love has grown, so your desires have changed and you want to re-visit the parameters of your relationship.  The question is: Has his love grown, too?  And if so, are the changes you want, things that he might be amenable to?

2) By your vagueness in describing him as “an entertainer,” I will assume that he has a certain amount of celebrity status and would like to keep his liaison with you out of the headlines.  Is there any other reason that he might want to keep your relationship a secret?

3) Be careful not to let your friends define how your relationship “should” be.  Friends mean well, but generally their advice is biased toward you and not particularly objective.  What is acceptable behavior in your relationship can only be defined by you and your man.  Don’t let your friends’ issues be your own.

4) What specifically are you looking for?  You say you want “closeness,” but I’m not sure what that means.  Are you looking for a traditional relationship, where you spend time with each other’s friends and families periodically, go out to public places, and generally do the whole “boyfriend-girlfriend” thing?  Are you desiring some sort of public acknowledgement of your importance in his life?  Are you hoping to make the relationship more permanent - get engaged, move in together, get married?  First and foremost, in order to get what you want, you have to clearly know what that is and be able to ask for it - regardless of the consequences.  Yes, there’s always the possibility he doesn’t want what you now want, and you will scare him off/push him away.  But if you don’t let your desires be known, in time, you will likely grow resentful of him, and that will not bode well for the long term success of your relationship.

The bottom line is this: You need to summon up your courage and clear the air.  Talk to him.  Tell him how you‘re feeling.  Tell him you‘re not trying to pressure him, just “taking his temperature.”  Then together you can decide just where you are BOTH comfortable in taking this relationship.  I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out the way you want.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.

(C)2008 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.