A few months ago, I wrote a column about three things that men hate.  It was meant to illuminate those things that men generally feel negatively toward.  However, it may have erroneously created the impression that guys are discontented with their lives and possess a primarily negative world-view.  And honestly, nothing could be further from the truth.  So, in the interest of fair and even coverage of the mind and motivations of the male of the species, I want to explore the other side of things.  I'm talking about those things that men pretty much universally love.

Although it probably goes without saying, I am nonetheless going to mention the item that is Number One on the list of "our favorite things."  And no, snowflakes, copper kettles and mittens of any fabric, do not make the cut.  As I'm sure you already suspected, the topper of our "want list" is?sex.  It's what we consider the perfect pastime. In fact, guys spend more time whiling away the hours joyously contemplating what they optimistically perceive as the unlimited sexual possibilities that exist for them in the world.  And while their expectations and fantasies ultimately prove to be hopelessly unrealistic, their enthusiasm will not be diminished one iota.  Men love sex? all sex - good, bad or mediocre (though we prefer "good").  In fact, if you gave men the choice of either giving up sex or their right arm, the world would be filled with guys nicknamed "lefty."  

It may surprise you to learn that all our wants and desires aren't completely frivolous.  Also high on our list is our love for being able to successfully provide for ourselves and our families.  Men are very goal oriented, and our biggest goal is to be a successful provider.  In many ways it defines who we are.  If we are able to supply the things our families need, we feel good about ourselves.  And the more we can exceed the minimum necessities the more contented we become.  Conversely, a man who is unable to meet his family’s needs, regardless of the reason, feels, at best, ill-at-ease, and at worst, an abject failure.  Rightly or wrongly men derive their self respect from their economic accomplishments.  So it only makes sense that our success in this area would be something we would greatly prize.

What else do we like?  Gadgets.  We are oddly attracted to anything that does something cool.  No matter how impractical, unnecessary, or fiscally foolish a device is, if it accomplishes some mundane task in a new and interesting way, through chemistry, electronics or simple mechanics, we are inextricably drawn to it.  And if it has lots of flashing lights, our credit cards are literally leaping out of our wallets.  Why are we fascinated by gadgets?  Who knows.  I'm not even certain anyone has seriously explored this topic.  But that doesn't change the fact that one of the simple truths about us is that boys really love their toys.  And we wouldn't have it any other way.

And finally, guys love any odor produced by their own bodies.  That statement is self-explanatory and deserves no elaboration.   Bizarre? Yes.  Icky?  Definitely.  True?  You betcha.

The items mentioned above are but the tip of the iceberg of the things that cause men to bound out of bed each morning with enthusiasm for the new day and a zest for life in general. And though the complete list is rather extensive, I promise to elaborate on it more fully at some point in the future.  Oh, and did I mention?men really love sex?

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.  If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think.  

(C)2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Lately there has been a proliferation of bad news: A waning economy, drooping housing market, corporate insolvency, wars, violence, famine, natural disaster, and the cancelling of "Dirty Sexy Money."  Thus, rather than deal with anything too serious in this first column of the New Year, I decided to be a little more light-hearted.  The following is the result - an ode to the bond between men and their "manhood."  

To say, "Penises are attached to men," is to simply state a fact.  But saying, "Men are attached to their penises," is to proclaim an absolute truth.

As you may already know, nothing is so prized a possession to the average male as his own penis.  And while straight men have little or no interest in the external plumbing of their brethren (other than as a supporting character in a porno), they can become downright sentimental when pondering their close relationship to their own equipment.  To put it bluntly, most men consider their penis to be their best friend.  Sure, we are hugely attracted to women.  And yes, we enjoy the hell out of spending an evening of football, hot wings and frosty brews with our buds.  And true, our slipper-fetching Fido is among our favorite companions.  But our true BFF is that roll of flesh we keep sequestered in our shorts.

And why is "cherish" the word we use to describe our penis?  Three reasons: Loyalty, reliability and shared common interests.  As long as we can remember, our penis has been there for us.  Before we even understood its function as "party central," we appreciated it as the visible symbol of our masculinity, the release valve for our bursting bladders, and a dandy way to practice our cursive in the snow.  Then when puberty hit, and all our hormones executed a blitzkrieg of our nether regions, our penises were there to rise to the occasion.  Suddenly the whole world of sexuality opened up for us, and it was our trusty, tumescent friends who led the way.  In times of loneliness, frustration or insomnia, it was our penises that helped us relieve our pent-up tensions.  Participation in sports was a fine source of stress relief, but sadly, not always convenient or available.  Our trusty wieners, however, were ever-ready for action, even late at night and in inclement weather.  

As I'm sure some of you are well aware, our affection is so great, that many of us even endow our endowment with a nickname.  These monikers can run the gamut from whimsical ("Mr. Happy") to blatantly boastful ("Sasquatch").  And so concerned are we about our units' continued good health, that we faithfully endeavor to make certain our "little soldiers" get regular exercise.  That's just how considerate we guys are.

Now you may be asking yourself, "What about his testicles?  He hasn't even touched on them.  What are they?chopped liver (I shudder at the very image)?"  Well, the truth is, as much as we love and respect this secondary erogenous zone and sperm manufacturing facility, our balls are the "Achilles heel" of our genital compound.  They are our weakest link; our most vulnerable spot.  Truthfully, we are barely even cognizant of their existence until they are the unfortunate victim of a blunt force trauma.  Then, however, their presence drowns out our awareness of virtually all the rest of our anatomy.  So, while we wouldn't want to part with them, the periodic pain associated with our family jewels prevents us from rhapsodizing about them as we do their neighbor to the north.  

So you see, our fondness for our own penises cannot be overstated, and our allegiance to them should not be underestimated.  And why would you be interested in any of this (optimistically hoping, of course, that you are  - and haven't been "put off" by my dissertation on "a dude and his dingus")? Because despite our dogged devotion to our penises, there is an anatomical accoutrement over which you  have exclusive dominion that we are even more  obsessed with.  I am referring to, of course? vaginas. We're absolutely nutty about them.  And luckily, so are our little pals.  In fact, this popular destination is the top-rated gated community in which ten-out-of-ten penises prefer to reside.  Be it ever so warm and cozy, there's no place like home.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.  If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think.  

(C)2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.