Question:  I've just recently joined the Fabulously40 website and became instantly hooked on your articles.  I have a question for you that I would love your trademark honest opinion on.  I've been married for twenty years and been together twenty-three.  My husband and I are just in our early 40's, so we got married when we were still pretty young and "adventurous" and have continued with a great sex life.  During our entire relationship I have always been a "catch & spit" kind of girl.  Over the years my husband has mentioned swallowing always in a joking manner and always adding it didn't matter to him either way.  I have just, within the last year, tried swallowing a couple times but...can't get with it!!   Does it really matter to most men?  And if so, why? ...Jessica  

Answer:  "To swallow or not to swallow, that is the question"?and a good one, at that.  Many women have been faced with the dilemma of not knowing what to do with a mouthful of goo.  And to be fair, there is no one "right" answer.  I will, however, try to elaborate a bit on the subject and explore why this issue regularly rears its ugly head (no pun intended) in male/female relationships.

First it must be said that while oral sex is quite a common practice in society today, there are still people, both women and men, who adhere to a diet that does not include the "fruit of our loins." In fact, it appears that women in general fall into four categories: 1) Those who don't engage in oral sex; 2) Those who do, but remove "Mr. Happy" before he reaches the pinnacle of his enthusiasm; 3) Those who "go the distance," but expel their partner's deposit before it can accrue any interest; and 4) Those who ingest their special someone's love liquid.  And which category a woman falls into can often change from time to time and partner to partner.  And frankly, if you fall into any of the latter three categories, you'll probably never hear us complain, because we're just pleased as punch to be getting a little "face time."

But now to the question: Does your swallowing our DNA really matter to us?and why?  Quite frankly, for most men, I believe it is more a matter of attitude and less of consumption.  If you "get rid of" our semen shooter by sexily dribbling it onto our body (or even better, your own) and then rubbing the sticky sap over any conveniently exposed flesh, most guys will be in heaven, and all thoughts of swallowing will be quickly forgotten.  If, on the other hand, you convulsively spit out our stuff as if it were dry cleaning fluid, we're likely to be a little put off.  And while some  guys may look at your swallowing their sperm as an unconditional acceptance of them, most men simply don't want to feel like you're completely grossed-out by their emission.  We want to believe that you're fond of our ejaculate, because we consider it a close, personal friend, and we like our friends to get along.  The bottom line is: We appreciate it when you swallow because we believe it shows you like us, sperm and all, and your willingness to engage in this behavior demonstrates a sexual inhibition that we find enormously appealing.

The most important thing to remember on this subject, however, is that men realize that you may not share our enthusiasm for our semen, and once it leaves our body and enters any part of yours, our jurisdiction ceases, and your rule-of-law applies.  So while we might like you to accommodate our desire to savor our seed, it is hardly a deal-breaker.  We understand that the final destination of our sperm is often beyond our control.  We're just ecstatic that it occasionally has a chance to be out and about.  And that's a truth that I hope you'll have no trouble swallowing.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.  If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think.  

(C) 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Question:  I am a woman in my mid-forties and I think a 26-year-old co-worker of my husband's wants to have sex with me. How do I know for sure?  What are the signs a man gives? ?Joy  

Answer:  First let me say, that if you suspect that a man you know wants to have sex with you, chances are you're right.  For the most part, it is pretty much automatic that if a guy finds you attractive he has at least considered the possibility of having sex with you.  Now, of course, if you or he are involved in other relationships, then fantasizing about exploring your "inner space" may be as far as he's willing to take it.  There are, however, a large number of men who won't be in the least deterred by your seeming lack of availability, much less their own.  To these guys, a wedding ring (yours or theirs) is just another piece of jewelry.  It's hardly more than a tiny speed-bump on the road to your vagina.  

So what are the specific signs that you are on his “to-do” list?  Well, every man is different, but there certainly are some behaviors that are more or less universal to a man-with-a-mission.  

    1)  If he goes out of his way to initiate lengthy conversation with you and seems to hang on your every word

    2)  If he compliments you excessively

    3)  If he is overtly flirtatious

    4)  If he guides your conversation into a provocative or sexual area

    5)  If he touches you frequently while talking to you

    6)  If he makes suggestive remarks to you that you wouldn't feel comfortable having your husband hear

    7)  If he suggests you "get together" to "talk" sometime

    8)  If his eyes have been surveying your body like a thief trying to find your most vulnerable "point-of-entry"

Of course any of these things could  be innocent, but more-often-than-not they indicate a sexually motivated agenda: He finds you attractive for any number of reasons and wants to get naked with you.

The question then becomes, "What should you do about it?  Should you throw caution to the wind and go for it?"  My advice would be a resounding "no."  I'll forgo moralizing over the betrayal of your marriage vows, which may or may not be important to you.  That's between you and your conscience.  On a more practical level, however, other than a short-lived "sexual high," what's in this for you?  Twenty-six-year-old men aren't typically interested in long-term relationships.  He is likely looking for a hot, sweaty encounter with an "older" woman.  Very exotic for him, but not something that will have any longevity or depth.  Are you willing to risk your relationship with your husband to taste that forbidden fruit?  Sure, people do it all the time (especially men), but the fallout can devastate a marriage.  

But maybe you're thinking, "If we're careful, nobody will find out."  Good luck with that.  Since you indicated he is a co-worker of your husband's, I am not optimistic about your chances of keeping a clandestine fling secret.  Your admirer's regular workplace interaction with your husband creates an enormous risk of exposure of any "under-cover" work you and your lover are engaged in.  And even if he and you are vigilant in your efforts not to "slip up" in front of your husband, you still have to manage to stay under the radar of that incredibly effective information super highway - the office gossip machine.  This all-knowing, all-seeing, shadowy web of intelligence-gathering should never be underestimated.  Their information, though often based primarily on speculation and conjecture, is still uncannily accurate, and can undermine your best efforts to "keep a lid" on your extracurricular activities.  And that kind of exposure may not only jeopardize your relationship with both men, it can cause such disruption in the workplace that it could possibly lead to one or both men having to terminate their employment.  

My best advice is to be flattered by the attention and let it go at that.  If you give him no encouragement, he is likely to move on.  Both of you will still be free to fantasize about what "could have been," which in many cases is a lot steamier (and certainly safer) than the tawdry reality of "taking a walk on the wild side."

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.  If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think.  

(C) 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.