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A Male’s Perspective

  • Hubby Pays More Attention To TV Than Wife

    Posted on Friday, May 14, 2010

    Question: I have been married for nineteen years and I was wondering if you know what I should do. The problem is that my husband always ignores me when he's watching TV - no matter what is on - even during commercials. What can I do to stop that? I feel so useless and unwanted. ...Marie  

    Answer: Since you did not say that your husband ignores you at other times, as well, I have to assume he engages in this behavior solely when he's watching television, and that he isn't otherwise an insensitive jerk. And if this is the only time he ignores you, then I will conclude that this isn't a symptom of a much larger relationship problem, and instead focus my comments on why I believe he treats you this way during TV time, and what steps you might take to change things.  

    First it is important to understand how most men view television.  Often we perceive it as an escape: from our jobs; from our worries; from our responsibilities.  In other words, it's a kind of electronic oasis; a safe place for us to relax and unwind; the "cave" that John Gray referred to in his popular book, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" (our other favorite cave is the bathroom, but that's a whole other story).  As such, when we crawl into this virtual cocoon, we do it to download.  And unlike computers, and - multitasking is not our strong suit.  So carrying on a conversation with us while we're blissed-out in front of the tube, can become a frustrating, demoralizing, and ultimately very unsatisfying exercise indeed.  Is his behavior rude?  Yes.  Is it understandable why you'd be upset?  Absolutely.  So shouldn't your husband stop watching television and pay attention to you?  Maybe.  But right now his need to relax is being infringed upon by your need to converse. So who's need should win out?
    Well, in a fair and equitable world, half the time your needs would supersede his, while the other half, his would be top priority. But very few things in life are fair, which is especially true in relationships. What is also true, is that in the scenario you presented, both of you probably feel like the wronged party. And surprise, surprise, you're both right!  

    So how can you resolve this impasse and salve your hurt feelings, while still being attentive to your hubby's need for peace and quiet?  I would suggest talking to him about this issue when you do have his complete attention, and certainly not while he's focused on ESPN. Explain that you recognize his need to vegetate in front of the television periodically, and that you are going to do your best to respect his solitude in those times. But along with your promise to be mindful and considerate of his needs, on those occasions when you do find it necessary to interrupt his viewing, he needs to mute or turn off the TV and pay attention to you and your needs.  If your husband is a reasonable and loving man (if he's not, why are you with him?), as he sees you being true to your word and notices you're being more respectful of his "me time," he is likely to be more open to your interruptions on those now-less-frequent occasions when they do occur.

    Please understand that I am not suggesting you give your husband a free pass to ignore you for large amounts of time, just because he happens to be in front of the television.  I am saying that everyone needs a reasonable amount of time to themselves at the end of the day, and your giving your husband this time to himself, uninterrupted, will go a long way to improving the overall quality of the rest of the time you spend together. You are respecting his needs, which should, in turn, encourage him to be respectful of yours. If you do this and find that he is still ignoring you, then his inconsideration indicates other, more serious problems in your relationship, and further discussion and perhaps marriage counseling is indicated.

    If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's [Link Removed] 

    (c) 2010 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

    Davidmmatthews, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.

    2 Replies
  • Is Jealousy Justified?

    Posted on Tuesday, April 27, 2010

    Question: Okay, I've been married for only eight months and my marriage is basically borderline divorce. My husband tells me that I am way too jealous and can't control myself. I am always accusing him of doing stuff and he swears he is not. Now I found out last night that he is indeed meeting up with this girl after work (he gets out at 7am), and tells her that he will tell me he is staying late. I wanted the marriage to work, until last night. Now I am confused. I haven't confronted him, but when I ask what's going to happen to us, he says he doesn't know - he is confused. So I'm thinking, 'is he afraid of commitment?' We have been together for almost four years. He says that I've been the only person that has treated him right, and tells everybody how wonderful I am. So now I'm even more confused. Plus last year he broke up with me, and while broken up (we were still living together), he messed around with someone from work, and that's when I started getting more jealous. What kind of advice can you give me? --Christina  

    Answer: I must tell you that your situation is a little tricky to respond to. The way I see it, either your husband is a lying philanderer or you are incredibly insecure, or both!  But since neither of us knows for sure what your husband is actually guilty of, all I can do is give it my best educated guess.  

    That said, let me first address what happened last year when the two of you were broken up.  If you were both in agreement that you were no longer in a monogamous relationship (generally the case when you're "broken up"), his messing around with a woman at work was not cheating.  Yes, it wasn't the smartest move on his part, since having sex with a co-worker is always a little dicey, and the two of you were still living together, so you were bound to be emotionally impacted.  But as upsetting and unsettling as it may have been, it does not, in and of itself, indicate that he is incapable of fidelity.  It does, however, explain why you might be a little less trusting than perhaps you were in the past.

    This brings us to the present.  By your own admission, for some time now (possibly since you got married), you have been suspicious of your husband, regularly accusing him of having "extracurricular" activities.  It is not clear, whether or not he actually was doing anything untoward. What is clear is that, whether he is guilty or not, you don't trust him - and without trust a relationship cannot survive.  Given what happened last night, it does appear that your husband has reached the point that he is at least considering cheating on you with another woman.  And whether or not this is his first time, or one of series of indiscretions, it definitely does not bode well for your marriage.

    I also cannot be certain if your husband's current confusion about your future together is a result of his lack of commitment to your relationship, or his fear that your continual distrust of him (justifiable or not) has inevitably doomed your chances of marital success.  What I can be certain of is that your relationship has reached critical mass.  You must either decide to do whatever it takes to resolve your issues and conflicts, or end the relationship before things deteriorate further.  It certainly might be helpful to seek the services of an experienced marriage counselor to help sort things out.  

    If it turns out that your husband was, in fact, unfaithful, you must decide if you can forgive him and move past it, or if his betrayal is a "deal-breaker."  On the other hand, if your suspicions and accusations prove unwarranted, then you have some serious trust issues that you must deal with.  Failure to do so will only guarantee discord in this and all future relationships.  And while I know my assessment isn't particularly sunny, there is always hope.  If you both are committed to making your marriage work, then it probably will.  If not, then it's best you determine that now, so that you can minimize the pain and suffering you both may have to endure.

    If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's [Link Removed] 

    (c) 2010 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

    Davidmmatthews, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.

    3 Replies
  • Men: Thick As A Brick?

    Posted on Monday, April 5, 2010

    Men have many positive qualities: We are fairly simple in our needs, and typically pretty easy to please.  We generally are straight-forward in our approach to things and our agenda is usually obvious (except when we're trying to get you into bed the first time - then we are as deceptively manipulative and insincere as a career politician).  One quality we are lacking, however, is the ability to read non-verbal clues from the opposite sex.  When it comes to being sensitive to body language, subtext or nuanced meanings, we are not only clueless, we are just this side of brain-dead.  Thus it is no exaggeration when I say that when it comes to subtlety and innuendo, sadly, my brethren and I can be thick as a brick.

    So what does that mean for you?  Well, first of all, it means that anytime you want to communicate something to us, you need to make your request absolutely clear.  Let's say you're out on a date with a guy you're interested in.  You think he likes you, too, so you do your best to give him subtle clues that you would be receptive to him giving you a lip lock.  Despite your best efforts, however, he isn't responding to the numerous "kiss-me" signals you're sending him, so you start thinking he must not be into you.  Wrong!  He's probably been fantasizing about kissing you (along with other, more prurient desires) since he first asked you out.  But chances are he's missed ninety percent of the signals you sent him, and the ten percent he did notice, he badly misread. So what do you do? Well, if you still are interested in swapping saliva, you've got a few choices: 1) You could keep doing what you're doing and pray something clicks in his brain and his lips execute an assertive maneuver; 2) You could be pro-active and just lean in and lay one on him; or 3) You could stroke his hair, lean in close...then do something that he can't possibly misinterpret - like saying, "I'd like you to kiss me." Sure it's bold and artless, but even he will understand your request.  And it's a request that is very unlikely to be ignored or refused.  So, you get to make out with your admittedly dense date, and he gets to start strategizing about getting to second base.  Win-win.

    And how about further down the line in your relationship when you want something from him?  Now that you've gotten past that awkward introductory period, certainly he will be more sensitive to your non-verbal cues and unspoken desires.  Don't count on it.  When it comes to "reading between the lines," most of us are basically illiterate.  So, if you'd like your guy to get you a particular gift for your birthday, don't drop hints.  Be blunt about what you want, and be as detailed as possible.  While I know at first it may seem somewhat crass and unseemly, trust me when I say that with some men, it is the only way you've got even a chance of getting what you want.  That is not to say that on his own he might not get you something you will truly treasure.  That absolutely could happen.  Men are often considerate and thoughtful without prodding or instruction.  But if your heart's desire is specific, don't beat around the bush - tell him.

    Please don't misinterpret this as any kind of indictment on men and their communication skills.  We're very good at expressing ourselves when it's important to us (like when we want food, sex, or sleep).  And we're equally adept at understanding what you say, as long as you are clear in your meaning and you actually say it out loud. Unlike you, however, we're really abysmal at interpreting vague references, allusions, hints or insinuations. And we are totally oblivious to the language of posture, movement, and gestures - unless, of course, out of frustration with our cluelessness, you flip us the bird. That's a non-verbal communication that even we understand.  

    If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's [Link Removed] 

    (c) 2010 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

    Davidmmatthews, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.

    12 Replies
  • With Him It's Always A "Quickie"

    Posted on Friday, March 5, 2010

    Question: I've been dating a man for over seven months now. He is 51 and I am 44. I discovered right off the bat that he can't last but a few seconds as soon as he is inside of me. Now in the beginning he said he was too excited, or it was on my territory (ie. my house... so he insisted we go to his house, but same "short" story). His excuses were cute in the beginning, like "you have a Playboy Bunny body," blah-blah-blah, so I thought, I'll get him a book on premature ejaculation and a sex guide (he didn't know where a women's clit was). He went to a doctor who gave him meds: first psychotropics, which I don't think are healthy; then Viagra, but since his problem isn't getting it up - it's maintaining – the problem continued. I'm trying to be supportive and encouraging, but it feels like something huge is missing from our sex life. It's kind of like when we were kids and there was that commercial, "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?" In his case - one, two, three strokes... and that's what it takes! Please help – I am very frustrated. --Carrie  

    Answer: As you may know, you could seek the help of a licensed sex therapist, who is well-schooled in all matters of sexual dysfunction.  If you or your man is uncomfortable with that alternative, however, I am happy to address this issue. What you're describing sounds like a significant problem.  Although, we are not surprised when young, inexperienced men are guilty of being "quick on the trigger," more mature, sexually experienced men are expected to have mastered the art of self-control to at least a small degree.  Unfortunately, there are still a lot of older, sexually experienced men whose "thrust count" never reaches double digits.  And apparently you now find yourself dating a veteran member of this club.  

    So what can you do, short of kicking this guy to the curb?  Well, to answer that, we must first look at the possible causes of his condition.  Since the penis is a well-renown "creature of habit," it is likely that his speedy ejaculations have been with him for awhile.  Perhaps this behavior is the result of repeated sex with a partner who wasn't particularly into the sexual act and therefore encouraged him to hurry things along.  Another possibility, which goes back all the way to his formative years, may be that he had a limited amount of privacy and was forced to masturbate as quickly as possible, in order to keep from being discovered.  Over the years, though his situation changed, the old pattern of "jiffy-pop" persisted.  Now, despite his desire to be a marathon competitor, his body automatically defaults to a fifty-yard-dash mode.  It seems, therefore, that in order to slow him down, his apparatus must be recalibrated.

    How do you do that?  Well, to some degree, that is what the doctor your man visited was trying to do.  The psychotropic drugs he prescribed often have a side effect which can inhibit orgasm.  Normally, that's an unwanted result, but in this case, that was likely the goal.  Also, some men who are premature ejaculators have erectile dysfunction issues, as well, and sometimes there may be a cause-and-effect relationship between the two.  As such, the physician was trying to make sure that anxiety over getting and maintaining an erection was not playing a role in your man's rapid-fire performance.    

    But since neither of these seemed to yield satisfactory results, and creams and topical numbing treatments tend to diminish sensitivity (sometimes for both of you) I suggest another approach.  It is a therapy developed by esteemed sexual researchers, Masters & Johnson (not to be confused with Johnson & Johnson), called the "Squeeze Technique."  Let me first assure you that it is not painful or particularly unpleasant, and it has proven to be highly effective in quickly (in a good way) retraining men and their penises to be more considerate, long-term visitors to hospitable vaginas everywhere.  

    To employ this technique, you must first get him aroused and erect by any means you choose (feel free to be creative).  Continue working your magic until he feels the impending approach of orgasm, at which point he must immediately let you know.  This is very important.  As soon as he identifies those familiar pre-ejaculatory sensations, he must tell you.  Quickly grip his penis, placing your index and middle finger on top of his glans (the mushroom-shaped head of his penis) and your thumb against the front, underside of the glans where the foreskin attaches.  Now - squeeze (hence the name).  Be firm in your squeezing for about 4 or 5 seconds.  His need to ejaculate should quickly pass and he will lose some of his erection.  Now resume sexual play, avoiding direct contact with his penis for a few minutes.  Once he is fully erect again, repeat the procedure.  Do this several times, allowing him to pleasure you manually or orally, but never letting him ejaculate.  Do not attempt penetration, no matter how tempted you are. That will undermine all your efforts. And since your guy could use a few pointers on the female anatomy and how to please you, you should take this opportunity (in the sexiest manner possible) to show him how to bring you to orgasm. Somebody might as well climax, and tonight it's not going to be him - under any circumstance.  This may seem to him like a punishment, but truly it is not.  It is delayed gratification, and it is absolutely necessary to retraining his penis to be able to "go the distance."  

    Practice this technique for a few sessions, finally working up to intercourse.  When you do finally achieve penetration, allow him to only thrust a little, pulling out and applying the "squeeze" before he is able to "pop."  Repeat this a few times, until you both feel comfortable that control has been achieved.  Then, and only then, proceed slowly to mutual, unrushed release.  

    While this should prove effective, it does require a significant patience and commitment on both your parts, as well as open and honest communication.  It also is advisable that he refrain from masturbating between sexual encounters, as he may inadvertently be falling back into unhealthy speedy-release patterns.  And though the wait may be a bit frustrating for you both, we hope the outcome (no pun intended) will make it all worthwhile.

    If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's [Link Removed] 

    (C) 2010 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

    Davidmmatthews, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.

    5 Replies
  • Severing Ties With Ex Who's Into S & M

    Posted on Thursday, December 31, 2009

    Question:  I split from my ex five months ago.  It was not a good relationship although I tried to make it good for 3 1/2 years.  The reason we split was because of his sex addiction.  He actually wanted me to go away for a couple of months so he could indulge his BDSM lifestyle - and then come back home.  He never understood why I did not enjoy this type of sex (he liked domination, torture and pain -- for me, not him) and thought it unfair that I would deny him this indulgence and if I would not play along he should be able to go outside of our relationship.  Call me crazy but I think a monogamous relationship does not allow for extras.  Our therapist suggested treatment for sex addiction but he never thought anything was wrong.  He still does not understand why I had a problem with his request and has told family and friends horrible things about me.  His parents will not even speak to me and I was very close to them.

    I have a stalking order against him (another long story) and I have had no contact with him since the split.  My problem is that I cannot seem to let go.  I think about him all the time, worry about him and I know he is doing foolish things.  All things I have no control over and logically know I do not want in my life.  I guess I just want to know why men say they love you and then cannot control themselves concerning sex.  And not think it is wrong or disrespectful.  Can you explain that one for me? ...Tara  

    Answer:  From what I can gather from your letter, it seems apparent that your ex saw your relationship as one where his desires and wishes were of paramount importance, while yours were, annoying and insignificant.  A relationship built on such inequality is doomed from the beginning, and the fact that you were able to last for three and a half years is simply a testament to your tolerance and determination to continue to invest in a losing commodity - him.

    For the most part, I am of the belief that sexual behavior between two consenting adults should be as "white bread" or kinky as both the participants are comfortable with.  In other words, if you both got off on S & M, go for it.  But his badgering you to participate in an activity that he knew would cause you physical pain - pain which you obviously did not want to endure - is the epitome of selfishness and shows a blatant disregard for you and your feelings.  In fact, the only masochistic tendencies you exhibited were those that lead you to remain in a less-than-satisfying relationship with a semi-sadistic narcissist.  And while he may have been motivated to infidelity by his sex addiction, his rubbing your face in it by suggesting you should "go away for a couple months" so he could satisfy his desire to engage in extracurricular activities, smacks of emotional abuse, in light of your supposedly monogamous status.    

    At this point, one has to wonder why would you have any positive feeling left for this guy, given the heinous treatment you endured during your relationship, and the slandering you were subject to after?  You can certainly do much better.  Let me repeat that - "you can do much better." And, yes, you can let go - you just don't want to badly enough.  So quit it!  Stop indulging your bruised and battered self-esteem.  Regardless of any positive attributes he may have possessed, overwhelmingly your ex was bad news.  And the only reason to waste additional emotional energy on him, is because you want to continue to revel in the misery that was your relationship.  At best, that's dysfunctional - at worst, deeply self-destructive.  You've left him physically, now cut the emotional ties, and cut them for good!

    Now (at long last), to your question: "Why do men say they love you and then cannot control themselves concerning sex?"  The fact is, they can, but they sometimes choose not to, either because of laziness, weakness or lack of discipline.  Still others just don't want to control their activities, and view your attempts to quash their philandering ways as a personal affront. Your ex falls into the latter category.  And while this group of men may be fully cognizant of the fact that treating you like that is wrong and disrespectful, they are just too self-involved to really care.    

    But do not despair.  There are many good guys out there who understand the meaning of fidelity, and are interested and even anxious to be involved in a mutually rewarding sexual/emotional relationship with you - one without torture, physical pain, and ongoing emotional abuse.  Actively focus on seeking out one of these guys, while simultaneously severing all ties with the protagonist of your painful past.  Do this, and I promise that your heart and your self-esteem will both breathe a big sigh of relief.

    If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's [Link Removed] 

    (C) 2010 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

    Davidmmatthews, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.

    7 Replies
  • 10 Things To Look For When You Think Your Husband Is Cheating

    Posted on Thursday, November 26, 2009

    Men cheat. Not all men. Or even most men.

    But certainly enough men, that the males of the species have deservedly earned their untrustworthy reputation.  But how can you know if your guy is cheating? Obviously, it is difficult to know for sure unless he confesses, you catch him in the act, or his mistress emails you incriminating video proof. But if you suspect your significant other is involved in extracurricular carnal cavorting, there are a few obvious clues to look for.

    1) Your guy has always been less than a stickler about his appearance, but suddenly he is moussing, moisturizing, and actually using that nose-hair trimmer you not-so-subtly gave him as a stocking stuffer three years ago.

    2) You always believed he would need a GPS device to even find your washer and dryer, but lately his desire to launder his own duds has been verging on obsession.

    3) Despite the fact that he is an habitual morning-bather, recently he has taken to showering off the "dirt and grime of the day" before he feels "clean" enough to hit the sheets.

    4) You know that your husband uses credit cards for absolutely everything, yet your current bank statement shows numerous ATM withdrawals and cancelled checks made out to "cash."

    5) The horn-dog you married never passed up a chance to grope your goodies at any opportunity, yet lately sex seems to only happen when you initiate it.

    6) And on those occasions when sex has been on the menu, his standard technique seems to be ever-so-slightly refined.

    7) He has never been particularly verbal in his affirmation of his feelings for you, but these days the phrase, "you know I love you," seems to guiltily escape his lips more often than, "I'll have another Heineken."

    8) You have crossed your fingers and held your breath for years, hoping he would remember your birthday or anniversary with even a card, but for the last several months he has given you "just because" gifts with increasing frequency.

    9) The man who usually gives three-word responses to your questions about his day, now regularly gives you excruciatingly detailed information about his daily itinerary.  When guys give too much information, something is definitely askew.

    10) The number of "work-related" calls he has to take has increased dramatically.  

    It is important to note that any of these changes in his behavior or activities could be completely innocent. And his engaging in even two or three of them might also mean he is hiding another, very different secret from you - like planning a surprise party, learning to ballroom dance, or carrying out contract hits for the mob. If, however, more than half of the above list sounds all-too-familiar, chances are good that your hubby is dipping his wick elsewhere. And though this revelation may understandably upset you, do not blame the messenger. I am merely trying to enlighten you. And remember, you can always still choose to live in denial. I mean, your birthday is coming up, your guy has always been light on his feet, and killing for money beats being unemployed, right?

    If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's [Link Removed] 

    (C) 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

    Davidmmatthews, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.

    53 Replies