Question: Hi, I just read an article you wrote for Fabulously 40: "3 ways to divorce proof your marriage". My question is a little unique. I am considering remarriage to a wonderful man, however; I have a daughter who is legally blind, and she has a beautiful 3 year old daughter. If I remarry, I would be moving out of state. My daughter is not anywhere near being self sufficient and I am not going to just abandon her. My fiancé has said that he would wait as long as it takes for me to help my daughter become independent. Neither myself or my fiancé have plans to break up if this process does not move as fast as we had hoped. I would like to start my own life, but I have always been there for my daughter and granddaughter. I feel like I am abandoning them and trying to usher them out the front door. I figured at my age marriage was not something that would really be in my future (I'm 44, divorced). A marriage proposal should be a joyful event, why do I feel so crappy about it? ...Lynn  

Answer:   First let me say that I sympathize with the position you find yourself in.  It is a dilemma familiar to many parents; having to choose between their own happiness and their commitment to their children.  At best it is a precarious balancing act and at worst, an exercise in self-sacrifice verging on martyrdom.  And in addition to the common concerns everyone has, you also have to take into consideration your daughter's disability.  Certainly your decision is one that demands a great deal of assessment and soul-searching.

Though you did not mention your daughter's age, since she has a three-year-old of her own, I will assume that she is, at least legally, an adult.  You didn't indicate whether her legal blindness is the result of an accident or progressive illness, something she's been dealing with for a few years or a congenital disability.  You also did not indicate if she lives with you or what specific needs she depends on you to provide.  That said, however, I do believe I can bring some clarity to the situation you find yourself in.  To do so, I am first going to address your relationship to your daughter.  While you state that your daughter "isn't anywhere near being self-sufficient," I am assuming that is something you would like to change, and that you would want that regardless of your own personal situation.   And though I understand your daughter's legal blindness may present certain obstacles, these can certainly be overcome with careful thought and planning.  

As far as you feeling bad about abandoning your daughter – stop that right now!  Just because you've "always been there for your daughter and granddaughter" doesn't mean that is the way it always has to be...or that "being there" for them 24/7 is necessarily in their best interest or your own.  Your availability and willingness to be your daughter's go-to person, even as an adult probably contributes to her lack of self-reliance.  Why should she develop the necessary skills to be independent when her mom cheerfully picks up all the slack?  Far from "abandonment," allowing her to do things for herself and her daughter is probably the most nurturing, productive, encouraging thing you could do.  Yes, you had a duty to care for her in her formative years, but it is equally your obligation to give her the tools to care for herself and her child.  You're not abandoning her, you're giving her the opportunity to grow up.  Please don't take this as a criticism.  All parents are guilty of this to some degree.  And it is only natural that breaking this pattern is difficult and painful.  After years of having our kids depend on us for everything, suddenly relinquishing control to them can be terrifying.  Nonetheless, that is something every parent must do if they want their offspring to become responsible, contributing members of society.

Now to perhaps the most important part: you.  Despite the fact that you may have never considered marrying again, you have found a wonderful man who brings great joy into your life and offers you happiness both in the present and the future.  Having parental obligations, real or perceived, do not release you from the responsibility of providing for your own happiness.  If you let this opportunity for your future slip away, you will not only be hurting yourself and the man you love, but you may be jeopardizing your relationship with your daughter.  You see, at least subconsciously, you may blame her for ruining your romantic chances and develop animosity toward her.  And even if you don't, always subordinating one's own needs in favor of the needs of others is the perfect recipe for discontentment and bitterness.  

So what does all this mean?  It means that you need to guiltlessly set your daughter on the fast-track to adult independence and take pride and pleasure in her newfound self-reliance.  And yes, a marriage proposal, when it's from the right person, IS a joyous occasion.  Embrace your new relationship and start making plans to get on with your life as you simultaneously give your daughter the ability and incentive to do likewise.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think. 

(C) 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Question: My question is this...how long do you wait to sleep with a man...one month, two months, more? Since my eventual goal is to be married, how do I know that the man I'm dating sees me in his future and not just as a nine-month, ten-month, or even one-night stand? ...Camille  

Answer: While this issue vexes many women, the unpopular truth is that there is really no perfect amount of time to wait before you sleep with a man.  Here is why:

1) For the most part, whoever you are dating wants to sleep with you as soon as possible.

2) Until he sleeps with you, he will likely say and do whatever he believes is necessary to get you into bed.

3) Because you will not be getting to know the real him, just the “him” he wants to let you see, waiting is not really all that beneficial.

4) The more time you spend with him, the more emotionally invested you will probably become, so when you finally do sleep with him, if things do not work out, your hurt will be even greater.

On the other hand, it is never a good idea to do anything  because you feel pressured.  Sleep with him as soon as it feels comfortable to you, keeping in mind items 1 - 4 above.  Sleeping with someone for the first time requires a leap of faith.  Do not be afraid to make the move, just always "look before you leap."

As far as guaranteeing that the relationship will continue after you have sex, that is virtually impossible.  But if he enjoys you both in and out of bed, chances are good that he will be open to further examine the possibilities of a long-term relationship and perhaps marriage.

One word of caution: Unless all you are looking for is recreational sex (which certainly does not seem to be the case), beware of the "booty call." If your guy does not make plans with you, or only gets together with you spontaneously or late at night, regardless of what he says, he probably perceives you as nothing more than a booty call. And generally speaking, booty calls do not turn into relationships. They just remain booty calls. So that is one call you may prefer not to answer.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think. 

(C) 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Despite the phenomenal growth of the internet as a source of information, entertainment, social networking and product marketing, very few businesses have been able to actually turn a profit, solely based on web-related revenues.  The lone industry that has seen substantial growth and ever-increasing cash-flow has been the "adult entertainment" sites - in other words: Porn.  Websites that appeal to the voyeuristic tendencies in men, consistently rank as the most popular and profitable web-based destinations.  And why is this?  Because, like it or not, guys are very visual, and we love to see naked women engaged in sexual situations with men or (even better) other naked women.

"But isn't there something fundamentally wrong with this?" I hear you ask.  "If my guy is really into me, why would he even want to look at other women?"  The answer is easy:  No matter how hot you are, men are inherently aroused by the idea of variety in their sexual partners. But though we have a strong desire to experience a virtual endless array of libidinous women, we recognize that even if we could make that happen (and let's be honest, most guys are scrambling just to find one woman willing to offer regular refuge to their penis), it would destroy any meaningful romantic relationship we had and expose us to a rather unpleasant milieu of virulent and sometimes deadly social diseases.  Thus watching porn allows us to live out our various sexual exploits without the risk of infection or infidelity.  We are able to insert ourselves into these web-based fantasies without actually inserting anything anatomical.  And as long as we don't endeavor to make actual one-on-one contact with anyone, we are merely exercising our creativity (and probably one or both hands) in an effort to satisfy our longing for multiple partners without violating any vows or promises.  

"But isn't it still 'cheating?'"  Only if merely thinking about doing something is a crime. Because, after all, there is no contact. He is simply fantasizing about people he will never meet. And if you believe just thinking is a crime, perhaps you should turn yourself in to the authorities for all the times you mentally committed assault and battery (or worse) on the drivers who cut you off in heavy traffic.

Let me make one important point at this juncture.  In this article, I have been referring to the overwhelming majority of men who occasionally or infrequently happen upon one dirty site or another.  I am not talking about the men who live for porn.  If your guy starts missing meals, work, or opportunities to have real, live, in-person sex with a willing partner, than he has a serious problem.  And as with any addiction, he should seek out professional help.  Also, I am referring to sites that depict sex acts between consenting adults.  If your man is frequenting sex sites that feature underage girls or barnyard animals, his voyeurism has gone from harmless fantasy to disturbingly illegal activity.

So what does this all mean?  It means that, barring obsessive or criminally deviant behavior, the casual surfing for web porn (in the privacy of his own home) is a normal part of most contemporary men's internet experience.  It's anonymous, safe sex with a stranger your man will never touch, taste or smell.  And therein lies the downside for him, and the reason that for a healthy man in a healthy relationship this virtual world will always take a backseat to sex with his significant other.  For as sexy and appealing as an onscreen temptress can be, nothing can truly compete with the warmth, feel, and flesh-to-flesh contact of an intimate romp with a woman who actually calls out your name when things heat up and who never interrupts the proceedings with an error message or a buffering problem.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think. 

(C) 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Question: We are struggling in our sex life, due to sickness. My husband has developed two hernias. The one in his tummy he has had for years, but the one in his groin is newer and starting to cause him pain, including during sex. Do you have any advice to help us cope and stay connected sexually. We are both still very attracted to each other, but his hernia is causing him pain. I know the quick fix is to repair his hernia, but we are currently without insurance. Kind of an extra question to you: Does a man enjoy a little buzz to his penis, as a woman does with sex toys? Anyway I would appreciate any advice you can give me. We are both frustrated!!!! ...Kim  

Answer:  First, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that hernias, no matter where there are located, can cause very serious problems if left untreated.  Your husband should seek proper medical evaluation and care as soon as he possibly can.  I know it may be a financial hardship, but perhaps your physician may have some recommendations as to how this may be treated with a minimum of out-of-pocket expenses.  At the very least, it seems worth looking into, if you haven't already done so.

Now to your question:  There are many ways for you and your husband to be sexually active without engaging in activities that cause pain.  The key is avoiding any movement that puts pressure, stress, or tension on that area of his body.  Unfortunately, by its very nature, sexual arousal will naturally cause a tensing in that region, so creativity is a must.

1) If you want to engage in intercourse, try utilizing positions that require a minimum of thrusting on his part.  One such position is to straddle your hubby’s genital region and carefully insert him inside you.  If you are facing him, you are in a great position to kiss and fondle each other.  If you sit facing away from him, Reverse Cowgirl-style, you can achieve deep penetration.  In either case, as long as you don’t get too rambunctious, you‘re free to yell, “Giddy-up” and ride him to your heart’s content (no spurs necessary).  And although these positions require you to do all the work, they also allow you to completely set the pace and give you greater ability to orchestrate your pleasure, as well as his.

2) Intercourse aside, there are a number of other sexually intimate activities you can enjoy with a minimum of pain and discomfort.  In fact, you might even look at this as an opportunity to more fully explore many forms of sex-play that you might otherwise only consider as foreplay.  Rather than engaging in these activities merely to whet your appetite for the "main event," now what was once an appetizer, becomes a satisfying entrée in its own right.  One such example is mutual masturbation.  You should feel free to feel freely.  And while this may be something you haven't engaged in to any great extent in years, it can be a very sexy and satisfying experiencing - giving and getting with this hands-on approach to orgasmic release.

3) Of course, most obviously, oral sex should definitely be on the menu if it is your desire to keep pelvic movement and stress to a minimum.  Using your mouth on him should cause him only positive stirrings in his loins.  And with a minimal effort on your part, you can help yourself to his loving lingual ministrations by carefully perching astride his face.  You may trade off giving and receiving oral attention, or engage in simultaneous mouth-to-genital resuscitation by assuming the traditional "69" position (with you on top, of course).  Again, consider this not simply a pre-amble to sex, but a lovely, satisfying sexual feast unto itself.

And to answer your question about men enjoying sex toy vibrations on their penis – I'd have to say that this probably varies to some degree from man to man.  That said, however, generally speaking, any  attention or direct stimulation to the penis is likely to be warmly received.  The male member may have no conscience but its sincere appreciation of even the slightest gesture is usually quite obvious.

The most important thing to remember in all this is that despite physical limitations, you both still want to demonstrate your sexual desire for each other.  This is where the "for better or for worse" really comes into play.  Sexuality is an important part of any long-term male-female relationship, and your mutual desire to keep this part of your relationship alive and thriving, bodes well for many happy years together.  Congratulations on having the commitment to doing what is necessary to keeping your marriage loving, vital and intimate.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think. 

(C) 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

Question:  I have been dating this widower, Bob, for about three months now. He has had a woman at work, Deborah, hitting on him.  In fact, she pretty much has asked Bob to marry her. I told him he needs to tell her about me, but he said his personal life is none of her business. I began feeling insecure and pushed the issue of marriage, feeling that if she can ask and is not in a relationship with him than I should be at the top of the list for a proposal.

Bob has told me has plans for me and he knows what it takes to get lucky. He even brings marriage up every time we are in a restaurant if the person has on a wedding band.  I am not ready to get married at this point and explained this to him. He sent me a text message saying we are on pause for now and will not answer my calls.  I have decided to give him his space at this moment.  Should I just move on?  And I'm not sure if this makes a difference, but he is white, I'm black and this is the first interracial relationship for us both.  Deborah is white. We also both have children.  Mine know about him, however he has not told his about me.  I would like your opinion of where you think he is and if this relationship is truly over.  ...Lisa  

Answer: Here's my take on your situation: Because you had been dating for such a short time, your interest in marriage has caused Bob to stop and re-evaluate your relationship. And while initially you may have brought up marriage merely as a way of "rightfully staking your claim," your push in that direction has given Bob pause. First, he is probably scared that things are moving faster than he is comfortable with. Second, your pushing the marriage issue may cause him to perceive you as someone with an agenda. He may now view you as a woman less interested in him and more interested in achieving your goal, which is, in this case, to get him to the alter. Third, while his mentioning marriage may be within his comfort zone, your  doing so may cause him to feel ill-at-ease. Yes, it's a double standard, but nonetheless it still may be how he actually feels. Also, he may feel like he's being played or manipulated – something else which moves you from the category of appealing partner, to someone he needs to keep his guard up around. Fourth, he may still have unresolved issues with his late wife. He may feel like now that you've made this relationship seem "more important" than the more casual one he thought he was initially pursuing, he had better take a step back and reassess whether or not he's ready to actually "move on" from his late wife and invest his whole heart in someone new.  

Understand that I do not fault you for reacting to the perceived threat to your relationship that Deborah represented. The truth is you were just trying to not get left behind standing passively by while some other woman swooped in and grabbed your guy. That is totally understandable. That said, however, your reaction obviously pushed some buttons in Bob – buttons that probably can't be "un-pressed" right away.  

The good news is that he obviously cares for you, and you for him. The not-so-good-news is that he feels compelled to pull away in order to sort things out. Unreasonable as it may be, saying the "M-word" to any man early in a relationship can cause him to run screaming into the night. But using it in close proximity with some version of the term "breaking-up" is even more alarming, because regardless of your intention, he will likely perceive that he has been given an ultimatum of sorts – a kind of all-or-nothing scenario. And though it is obvious to me, removed as I am, that that was certainly not your intent, to him it probably sounded like you were, on some level, pressuring him to "fish or cut bait."

To be clear, however, for now, your romantic relationship is over. When a man says that he wants to put the relationship "on pause," he means that, at least temporarily, the romance is over. It is possible that down the road he may want to revisit a relationship with you, and if you are interested and available the two of you may be able to rebuild your relationship. And as frustrating as it may be, "giving things time" is probably your only solution. No amount of pushing, pressure, or promises to keep things light and casual will cause him to move back in your direction any faster.  

As to whether race plays a part in any of this, all I can say is that I believe if those involved were all of the same race or if the racial mixture was slightly different, it would have little impact on the way this particular scenario played out. That doesn't mean it is totally irrelevant – just that there is no evidence to show it is a significant factor. And whether your respective children knowing about the relationship so early on is meaningful really depends upon their ages, proximity, and how much about your personal life you normally share with them. And since parent's feeling on when to involve their children in their romantic lives vary enormously from one individual to the next. I wouldn't spend much time or effort speculating on the significance of this.  

My advice is that you move on, knowing that reconciliation at some point in the future is a possibility. Do not dwell on tomorrow and what might be, concentrate on today and what is reasonably in your grasp. Right now he is not available.  If you're interested in romance, find someone who is. And whatever you do, don't use the "M-word" till you're certain that a permanent relationship is what you both have in mind.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think. 

(C) 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

As I have pointed out many times before, men are visual creatures.  We see something, and if we find it to be at all sexually appealing, we are apt to become aroused.  Consequently, I think most would agree that sight is a primary sexual stimulator for the male of the species. What may surprise many people is that the sense that stands second-in-line for the title of "most likely to create a ruckus in our lower regions" is... sound . Sure touch  is important to us - but that requires active participation by a partner (or in solitary times, by our own helping hand).  In the case of sound, however, sometimes all we have to do is overhear something mildly provocative, whether intentionally or accidentally, to cause our penises to stand up and take notice.  And so powerful is this effect upon us, that what we hear doesn't even have to be actual words or sentences.  Sometimes grunts, groans, pants or moans can impact us just as much.

It should come as no shock, therefore, that many men find "vocal" partners to be particularly exciting.  Hearing our sexual co-conspirator's enthusiastic, extemporaneous verbal utterances gets us hot.  And if your gasps and heavy breathing are punctuated with brief, lewd language - so much the better.  In other words, many of us really get off on your talking dirty.  

It is important to note, however, when employing "naughty language," that not all words are equally...potent.  Use of clinical terms like "penis," "vagina," "breasts," "testicles," or heaven forbid, "sexual intercourse," while effectively communicating your meaning or desire, do very little to "heat things up" when spoken in the midst of an intimate encounter.  Rather it is the usually-forbidden terms, those four-letter vulgarities that are banned from the public airwaves, that prove to be the most effective and therefore, stimulating.  And in the language of passion, "brief" is always better.  "Lick me,"  "harder," or "yeah, like that," are always preferable to lengthier, perhaps more literate exclamations, like, "I find what you are doing to be quite stimulating and if you continue I sense a climax is in the offing."  In other words, dirty talk should be quick, fun, obscene, often grammatically incorrect, and above all...nasty.  It is, in fact, the graphic, apparently unrestrained nature of these outbursts that is responsible for their "sizzle."

It is interesting to note, that for some reason, even otherwise "innocent" terms can, when properly used, be sexually charged.  Unassuming words like, "wet," "juicy," "more" or "coming" can be totally titillating when correctly utilized in the heat of passion.  And while spritzing Fluffy with a hose will certainly annoy and anger your cat, in other circumstances exhortations about a wet pussy might have significantly more positive implications.

So what does all this mean?  Well, if you were looking to spice up your sex life, or make a hot encounter even steamier, you now have an additional tool in your sexual arsenal.  Or if you were just seeking further verification that men are "pervs" and get turned on by the weirdest stuff...your suspicions have unquestionably been confirmed.  In either case, you now know that any inclination you may have had to "add audio" to your lovemaking, is definitely "right-minded" as far as guys are concerned.  We applaud your asserting yourself and heartily encourage you to leave the silent majority and become the gutter-mouthed girl of our dreams.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think. 

(C) 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.