Coming Home

_To be away for so long_
_Missing You_
_Needing You_

_You are Everything to me_
_Finding out the hard way_

_Previously, I've learned_
_Somehow I'd forgotten_
_Somewhere I'd lost touch_
_Some way... the earth turned_

_I utter the words, so hard to say_
_Please Save me_
_Please Forgive me_
_I need Joy_
_I need You_

_Won't you welcome me back..._

_Again?_  

Copywrite 2006 Deborah J Dougherty

As a child I went to a very small Methodist church, growing older I often went to church with friends in all different “denominations“, Episcopal, Catholic, etc. I heard, I sang, I went to Bible school, Bible study, but never did I understand. My mother and step-father never went, I was basically on my own as far as the understanding, but I believe now the seed was planted back then.

While going through my divorce, a co-worker (we’ll call him Paul) saw me sitting on a curb with my face in my hands.I was on a break that day and Paul asked what was wrong. I told Paul about the divorce,we talked for a few minuets and then he asked if I needed Jesus in my life. I was a little put off at his forwardness, who was he to ask about my religous beliefs, but my heart was breaking and I was looking for answers as to why I had started hating my spouse or just didn’t want to be with him anymore. I told Paul, “I don’t know.” So Paul started telling me about Jesus. As I sat and listened to what Paul had to say I was shocked and amazed when I realized just what Jesus and the Cross represented. The Love of this man who willingly died for my sins must have been unmeasurable. I accepted Christ into my life that day in 1994. As I said the sinners prayer I had a vision, a mighty Army was running full force in front of me. I never said anything to Paul when he asked me if I felt God come into my life. I was expecting this warmth, glow, fireworks, something! What I got was the vision.

Since that day I have been in and out of church, teething on the word, wanting so badly to eat the meat. I joined the choir of a church and loved it, experienced joy like never before, and met many wonderful people. I went to that church for about four years, but left after I felt a change in the spirit of the church, or was it my heart?  After four long years of wondering what went wrong, I realized that I was missing church, Needing to be there like never before. Often I had thought “I have Christ in my life why do I need to go to church?“. “There are plenty of other people who don’t go to church, what’s the difference with me?” “I don’t need other people around me singing and praying to feel good!” Well, now I have a new church home with some of the people from the previous church I went to. Now I am positive I need to have a church home; I thank GOD today that when I moved back to GA,I reconnected with this mighty group of Christians!  

Last year, May 17,2008 my world came tumbling down. I received a phone call from my daughter, my oldest son had passed away in his sleep. I have never in my life felt such pain, such sorrow. I disbelieved, I screamed, then cried out with all that was in me for Jesus! At that very moment, there on my living room floor Jesus met me and has never left my side. He is still carrying me through this burden of hurt, fear, depression and anguish. Though I feel emptiness, I know He fulfills me. Though I feel fear, I know He protects me. Though I feel depression, I know He lifts me up to his Father. Though I am a sinner, I am saved through Christ Jesus. I am worthy!

If you are hurting, If you are worrisome, If you have doubt; please know He is there, He knows, and He sees. He will comfort you, deliver you, LOVE you!!

Though I find when reading His word, I have no comprehension, when I HEAR His word there is more understanding, a little toe stepping and lots of comfort. GOD gives us paths to choose, no matter what path we take he is always there. I cannot quote the Bible. I know some stories and lessons that Christ taught. I do know we all need him, and he is waiting for us to make that choice. Listen to your heart, feel the tug? Don’t be afraid go with it, Christ is there to hold your hand.

If you’ve ever read my profile, you would see that I one day want to publish a few of my poems. I’ve a few poems on Poetry.com but I haven’t written in about a year and a half. This is one of the poems that I wrote that didn’t make it to poetry.com.  

I would love to have your true honest critic on this poem and maybe a little advice on where I could actually get paid for it’s publishing.  

A little background...this was written to my ex-lover, the one who decided I was not the one who fit the mold he was creating and he married someone else who did, BUT still calls me after 6 years of being married to her. The format is slightly different from it’s original writing due to copying from a different program, but the content has not been changed.

Here Goes...

Make Believe

I woke from a dream....Wonderful. Delightful
Weeping from excitement
I woke from a dream....Powerful. Commanding
Violent. Cruel

Drama recounting in a
Make believe world.
People I scarcely know were there.
You were there, she was there

Your prize. Your flower. Your match for
Society to see. She stands there in her
Twinkling gown.
She doesn't get lost within the
Crowd.  

I serve you, serve her, serve them.
Delicacies from around the globe.
I speak not a word, utter not a sound.
I carry out my duties with strength,
Dignity, and a withering, hollow heart.

The eyes all around me, so familiar they seem.
Often.. they look through me,
Often.. they see the breathless soul, the devoted death.
Do they mock me? Do they know?
I've loved you forever
And ever I will.

I fulfill your heart, I fulfill your soul,
I serve you in your chambers well.
My reward.... A silent "I Love You",
but only in the shadows of the twilight,
Where the crickets resonate their song.

I leave the dream, with what I came with.
Certainty that dreams are fantasy.
Make believe.

Ecstasy in the thrill of an affair

It’s not a love on earth I cry to, but the only LOVE I can depend on. Thank You my KING

April 11, 2006

You Keep Me  

With each sunset I
find only loneliness
Tracing my footsteps
one by one
through this never
ending hallway.
My restlessness breaking,
the silent tears overflowing
with fear and torment

Dreams could be filled with images
Of false happiness, joy and love
I only concede to sleep to escape
the reality of none

So many times
I've thought to leave
why is it
you keep me here?

Today I was going,
had it all planned.
Seemed all was falling
into place,
The list was made
Who gets what...
Who goes where...
Why won't my feet allow
Me to walk away gracefully?

Through the burden of night, the
hours of darkness, the unrest of sleep
you placed that
damned
glimmer
of hope.

              Now... again,   You keep me here

I’ve been doing some research lately about funeral expenses and how difficult it is to try to pay for them. I’ve looked into taking out loans, looking for government help, making payment arrangements, asking family and selling household items.
Nothing prepared me for the loss of my son and quite frankly the expense I incurred in burying him “pauper style” didn’t help.
Jason was 22 and only worked part time. He had not a dime to his name and no life insurance. His “pauper” funeral cost approximately $18,000.00.
Funeral homes do not offer payment arrangements, the funeral home will give you 30 days to pay for the funeral and expects the money by then, if you don’t have the money within six months you WILL go to collections. The funeral home my ex-husband picked out just happened to be one of the most expensive in his area, which of course was in upper Atlanta (Marietta)where most of the “well to do” people live.
The funeral home gave me the number of a lending company and even as she was giving me the number she told me they charge a large amount of interest. I was surprised that she did that, she actually told me to try my family first. Funeral homes DO NOT make payment arrangements.
My mind was reeling, where will I get that kind of money. I went to the internet to see if there was any kind of assistance through the government, I emailed the government made a few calls and still to this day 4 months later I have yet to hear from them.
Well, you know as well as I know that’s a lot of money and no one has that kind of cash sitting around, especially in this economy, and the old saying is “if you lend family money you may as well kiss it goodbye“. I asked my family, as I knew no one had it, after all we just buried my mother a year and a half before. She also didn’t have life insurance.
As far as selling household items, if I lived with my ex-husband I could make a killing, however; I live in a trailer and my furnishings are ALL hand me downs.  

The reason for this blog: No matter how broke you think you are PLEASE get life insurance on your children. The average price for life insurance on a male child is slightly higher than that of a girl. My youngest son will cost $28 a month  and my daughter (if I hurry, she’ll be 17 in Feb.) will cost about $25 a month, and this is through the insurance company that I have my auto and homeowners through, which means I should get the multi-line discount. If you have a young child under 12, there are some great companies like Gerber for instance where you can get insurance for about $5 a month.

DO IT DON‘T WAIT, YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN GOD WILL CALL HIS CHILDREN HOME!