During our many radio and television interviews we are often asked this simple question - “How will I know my marriage is in trouble?’  Our research has identified the answer to this very important question.  

Here are the Six Warning Signs Your Marriage Is In Trouble:  

1. One or both of you show increasing disrespect for each other.  In failing marriages, there are growing signs of disrespect. Resentment and contempt have replaced patience and love.  You go out of your way to avoid being together.

And sadly, when you are away from your spouse you are happier than when you are with them.  Having fun with your mate seems to be a thing of the past.When mutual respect and understanding fail, your marriage is well on the way to its end.  Make no mistake about that.

2. You fight and argue much more often than before and do so unfairly.  Fact is, you have nothing nice to say to or about each other anymore.  You love to nitpick at each other.  Your teasing isn't fun - it is now painful and hurtful.  You use each other as a personal pincushion!

Sadly, your arguments are repeatedly about the same subjects.  You are increasingly critical of each other, you fight constantly, and you no longer fight fair.As we have said many times before – it is okay to argue – all successfully married couples do – but the truth is this, successfully married couples have learned how to fight fair.  Their arguments do not become personal and attack oriented.

3. You and your spouse are no longer capable of communicating with each other in meaningful and productive ways.  Communication between a husband and a wife is of paramount importance to the health of a successful marital relationship.  Failing marriages communicate less and less.  There are fewer and fewer meaningful exchanges between the two people who occupy the marriage bond.

Worse yet, they don’t talk with each other about their mutual problems anymore.  Frankly, failing marriages lose the ability and the willingness to resolve their marital problems.  They just don’t care anymore.When communication between a husband and wife shuts down, there is little hope for the marriage.  Always remember this - no problem was ever resolved, no divide ever bridged, and no disagreement ever broached when people refused to communicate.  When communication falters, a marriage is in trouble.  

4. Sexual intimacy in your marriage is low and increasingly non-existent. In a failing marriage, sexual intimacy is low.  Sexual intimacy becomes more and more infrequent.  Marriage partners turn into roommates - they live together in the same home, but do not share the intimacies of a marriage.  Unfortunately, intimacy becomes a thing of the past.

It is clear from our three decades of research that sexual intimacy is over-rated when it comes to the best marriages.  There are many other elements that are equally or more important to a successful marriage than sex.  But make no mistake about it; INTIMACY is more than good sex.  Intimacy is holding hands on a walk, snuggling in the morning, hugging a lot, touching each other, and in general, feeling emotion for each other.

5. Financial disagreements dominate your discussions and conversations.  It is clear, when you argue increasingly and incessantly about financial issues, your marriage is in trouble.  We have written extensively about this subject over the past two years, and if the truth were known, most arguments in a marriage center on financial issues.

Worse yet, you discover your spouse is lying about money and other financial related issues.  They lie about the bills, the balances, the payoffs, and the commitments.  A very bad sign, indeed.

It is clear; we live in trying times when it comes to economic uncertainty.  Unemployment is historically high, the Stock Market has wild swings, we worry about our retirement income and our savings, and our home values are in the tank.  There is a lot of economic uncertainty.

But here is the truth - the best marriages survive and thrive during trying economic times.  The best marriages find a way to deal with the economic uncertainties.  Failing marriages have not learned to cope with economic uncertainty because they have not learned how to communicate with each other.  If all you talk about is your financial plight, you marriage is in trouble.  

6. You do not trust your spouse anymore.  Trust is the centerpiece of a great marriage!  In fact, there is nothing more central to a successful marriage than the ability to trust.  If you can't trust your spouse, whom can you trust?

When you or your spouse starts to have thoughts of being unfaithful and think more and more about divorce, your marriage is in trouble.  Let’s face it, when the trust level between you and your spouse nears zero, there is little hope for your marriage.

Summary:  It is important to know the warning signs that your marriage is in trouble.  Pay close attention.  When you witness the signs, take action.  Save your relationship if you can.  Having a healthy and happy marriage is one of the great success stories of life.  Hopefully, you see these warning signs before it is too late to save your marriage.

By Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz
America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts 

Creating a successful marriageis not always the easiest thing to do. Your visiting our blog suggests you are highly interested in making your marriage work! And truthfully, we have learned over 30 years of marriage research that there are proven effective ways to ensure a happy and healthy marriage. In fact, we took hundreds of tips from the thousands of happy couples we interviewed throughout the world and put them into our award-winning and bestselling book, Building a Love that Lasts 

**Today, you can see how you stack up to the best marriages around the world. Take the Marriage Quiz to assess your chances of achieving a successful marriage of your own.

In love and marriage the simple things matter 

Is fighting in a marriage okay?  The simple answer is, "Yes!"  When a husband and wife fight, they are engaging in a perfectly normal and expected part of what it means to be married.  In fact, disagreement between two people in love is actually healthy for their relationship.  

To argue or not argue is NOT the question!  The question should be, "How do we fight fairly and effectively?"

Learning how to fight fair and to make appropriate compromises will go a long way towards keeping a relationship strong.  Compromise is rarely ever 50/50.  Some days it is 90/10; some days it is 60/40; and some days it really is 50/50.  

The truth is, compromise is part of what marriage is all about. Whether it is what to make for dinner, where to live or what color to paint the living room, the two of you have to make the decisions together that both of you can support after the decision is made.  Sometimes arguments can actually – pardon the pun – get to the heart of the matter.

Fighting and arguing are just as much a part of marriage as sex.  It is a natural part of relating to another human being.

Over the years, our thousands of interviews with successfully married couples on all seven continents of the world have revealed seven ways to fight fair and they are:

1. Fight in a calm manner.   That means don't shout or throw things or rant about the situation.  Don't take a position of anger or hostility.  Think about what you are going to say before it actually comes flowing out of your mouth.  

2. No name-calling or ugly verbiage about your spouse.   Don't let the argument degrade into a battle of personal insults.  It doesn't address the issues and can do lasting damage to your relationship even.  You can't take back your words!

3. You are an adult, act like it.  Don't have a temper tantrum!  Don't just sit there looking mad without saying anything.  Engage in the conversation with the thought of how can we solve this problem together as adults.  

4. Keep the argument logical and focused on the issues at hand.  Don't wander off topic.  Determine what the problem is, what issues need to be dealt with and what are the possible solutions.  If you focus on determining which solution would work best, it keeps you moving towards an end result.

5. Don't cast blame .  It doesn't matter who is right or wrong.  It doesn't matter whose fault it is.  You share the problems together and you have to share the solutions together.  What you discover is that when you can arrive at a solution by working as a team, the two of you can tackle anything that comes your way.

6. Don't hold grudges.   As soon as the issue has been resolved, forget it and move on.  The worst thing you can do is resurrect old battles and scars.  That means no gloating if you were right and no reminding him or her constantly about how mad you still are.  Couples with great marriages tell us that they have a short memory when it comes time to their past arguments. That is the way it should be.

7. As we have said many times before, NEVER go to bed mad at each other .  Settle your fight before you go to bed, no matter how long it takes.  You can defer the ultimate decision on an issue until further discussion the next day, but you can't go to bed mad at each other!  This is the number one piece of advice given to us by the thousands of happily married couples that we have interview over the past 30 years around the world.  

Remember, it is perfectly okay to argue and debate with your spouse.  Better solutions are often arrived at when you engage in wholesome debate.  Learning how to argue effectively is critically important to a healthy marriage and to a healthy relationship.  

Creating a successful relationship or marriage is not always the easiest thing to do. Your visiting our blog suggests you are highly interested in making your marriage work! And truthfully, we have learned over 30 years of marriage research that there are proven effective ways to ensure a happy and healthy marriage. In fact, we took hundreds of tips from the thousands of happy couples we interviewed and put them into our award-winning and bestselling book, Building a Love that Lasts 

**Today, you can see how you stack up to the best marriages around the world. Take the Marriage Quiz  to assess your chances of achieving a successful marriage of your own.

By Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz
America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts 

Several weeks ago we returned from the trip of our lifetime together – all 47 years of it.  We spent ten days on the continent of Antarctica.  Oh, my, what a wonderful trip it was!  As human beings, we will never be the same!

For us, it was the 7th and final continent in our journey in search of great marriages around the world.  Our project has taken 31 years to complete.  We have interviewed couples in all 50 states of the union, 47 foreign countries, and on all seven continents of the world.  And what a journey it has been.

Over the ten days we explored Antarctica, we interviewed couples that live and work there, observed the wildlife, and learned a lot of valuable lessons.  

One of the most important lessons of all are the lessons about love and relationships that we learned from the Penguins of Antarctica – particularly the Gentoo, the Adelie, the Emperor, and the Chinstrap.  They are all interesting to observe, to say the least.

The truth is, we learned over the course of our observations that Penguins and humans have a whole lot in common.  In fact, it is clear to us that Penguins and humans share many common and pervasive characteristics when it comes to love and life.  Here is what we mean.  

Here are the top 14 lessons about love and life  we learned from the Penguins:

1. Look out for each other . Like humans, penguins live in towns and villages called rookeries because it's easier to protect each other from predators and from the cold weather in groups. And what's really nice—most have a short commute to work finding food!  

2. Have fun and play a lot.  Penguins, like humans, love to gather with friends and family to have fun and play. Hanging around with their family gives them particular joy.

3. Communicate effectively. Penguins talk and chatter a lot to each other, just like humans! Communication is at the heart of their relationships with each other, just as it is with humans.

4. Be a responsible adult.  As they grow older, penguins learn to spread their wings, and even though they will never fly, they grow up for the most part to be responsible and productive adults. Almost all become parents at some point in their life. Sounds like a familiar human story to us.

5. Build your support network.  Sometimes penguins take trips together with their extended family. Like us, penguins know that friends and family are an integral part of their support network.

6. Smile a lot.  Penguins are certainly a happy lot! They rarely get discouraged and almost never give up on their goals. We humans are like that as well.

7. Show love to your children.  Like us, penguins kiss their babies a lot! Their love and affection for their young is always in evidence.

8. Watch out for danger.  They almost always look left and right before crossing the path! They know the world is full of danger, but you can always count on them to be prudent and careful—for their safety and for the safety of their family and friends. We humans teach our children to look left and right before they cross the street, and we do so at a very early age.  

9. Shout your love to the heavens! Penguins shout their love for each other by screaming it to the heavens! They are not shy about expressing their love for their mate. Saying "I love you is just a normal part of their day and they are willing to express their sentiments often. We humans could learn to do a better job of this by observing the penguins!

10. Keep your body clean . Penguins love to bath a lot, especially with each other. They will race to get to the water first. Sometimes a refreshing swim makes them jump for joy!  

11. Stop and smell the roses. Frequently, penguins just stop and admire the view--what we humans would call, "stopping to smell the roses." They often stand together to admire the view from where they live and travel. We humans should do more of this.

12. Be faithful to the one you love.  Penguins are monogamous, often having one mate for a lifetime. Death of their life's partner is about the only circumstance that causes them to search for a new mate. Maybe younger humans should pay attention to the penguin's model!

13. Share the parenting responsibilities.  Like humans, penguins share in the nurturing, feeding, and parenting of their children. It is remarkable how penguins demonstrate that birthing, protecting, and raising a child is a shared responsibility of both the mother and the father. You can count on them to work together to build a confortable nest for their children.

14. Argue fairly and don't hold grudges.  Penguins squawk and often times engage in lively discussions and arguments. They get in each other's face, but they usually resolve their differences in a positive fashion. Like human couples penguins argue—there is nothing wrong about that—but they have learned to argue fairly and effectively, almost never holding grudges. You can learn a lot from a penguin.

It is clear that penguins and humans have a lot in common when it comes to marriage and relationships. They have mates—often for a lifetime—love to be around family and friends, and dearly love their children.  

You can learn a lot about love and relationships from the penguins of Antarctica! They may live at the end of the world, but in the end, we are all very much alike.

Watch the YouTube Penguins of Antarctica we created for you so you can see our penguin friends in action as they show us all how to live and love!  In the end, we discovered that the Penguins are very much like us!  

Creating a successful marriagehttp://www.simplethingsmatter.com/Successful_Marriage.html/ or relationship is not always the easiest thing to do. Your visiting our blog suggests you are highly interested in making your marriage work! And truthfully, we have learned over 30 years of marriage research that there are proven effective ways to ensure a happy and healthy marriage. In fact, we took hundreds of tips from the thousands of happy couples we interviewed and put them into our award-winning and bestselling book, Building a Love that Lasts 

**Today, you can see how you stack up to the best marriages around the world. Take the Marriage Quiz to assess your chances of achieving a successful marriage of your own.

By Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz
America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts 

We have heard it so many times in our interviews with those who say they are in love – "I love my partner."  "I love my fiancée."  "I love my spouse."  I love, I love!  But is love enough?  Can love really sustain the your relationship?  That is the most important question to ask yourself.

In our thousands of interviews with couples who have lived and worked on all of the world's seven continents, we have heard this popular refrain over and over.  We admit it – people who say they are in love, probably are!   But is love enough to sustain the best relationships?

Here's the rub – being IN love is easy.  It expresses an emotion common to those relationships that have transcended the millennia.  Being in love is central to the best marriages – to the best relationships between two people.  But being in love is NOT enough!

Here is what we know from our thousands of interviews with those who have had a successful and long-lasting relationship with another human being – no relationship has ever passed the test of time without friendship.  

One of the questions of our interview protocol is this – "Who is your best friend?"  While we ask this question in every interview, there are two answers that stand out for us as to the importance of friendship in the best relationships.  

We got our first most telling response in Rio de Janiero.  After asking this question of the so-called "Best Couple in Rio" we got answers that drove home this point to us.   When we asked the most prominent physician in the magnificent city of Rio who his best friend was, he named TEN people and NONE was his wife of 37 years!

And it gets worse – when we asked his wife who her best friend was, she gave ten names and, like him, the list of names did not include her husband, the prominent physician she had been married to for the same 37 years!  

Here's another good example of our point.  When we interviewed a couple in Sydney, Australia a few years ago, as usual, we asked the same question – "Who is your best friend?"

To our surprise, both people in this so-called loving relationship, did not consider each other their best friend.  We probed and we probed, but alas, neither would admit that their spouse was their best friend.

The simple truth of the matter is this – these two couples professed to "love" each other, but they did not "like" each other.  They were clearly not best friends. In fact, when we asked clarifying questions, it became quite clear that neither couple had friendship within their respective relationships.

Make no mistake about it – loving someone is NOT enough.  If they are not your best friend, your relationship with them will not pass the test of time.  Your relationship with them can never be judged as a great success.

You see, the standard principle in the most successful marriage around the world is this – your partner IS your best friend!  There is no equivocation when it comes to this point.  Best friends provide each other total trust, loyalty, mutual respect, admiration, encouragement, support, caring, and much more.  

If the one you love is not your best friend, your relationship is in serious trouble and, in all likelihood, will not become one of the lifelong love stories we have heard around the world on all seven continents.

So, we will ask you what we have asked every couple we have interviewed across the continents – is the one you purport to love really your best friend?  If they are not, you are not really in love for a lifetime .

In the best marriages and loving relationships, being best friends trumps everything else.  There are no if's, and's, or but's about it.

Love well!  More importantly, like well!

Creating a successful marriage is not always the easiest thing to do. Your visiting our blog suggests you are highly interested in making your marriage work! And truthfully, we have learned over 30 years of marriage research that there are proven effective ways to ensure a happy and healthy marriage. In fact, we took hundreds of tips from the thousands of happy couples we interviewed and put them into our award-winning and bestselling book, Building a Love that Last 

**Today, you can see how you stack up to the best marriages around the world. Take the Marriage Quiz to assess your chances of achieving a successful marriage of your own.
http://www.simplethingsmatter.com/Marriage_Quiz.html

By Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz
America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts 

The holiday season is a time of celebration.  It is a time to be with family and friends.  It is a time to be with the one you love.   The holiday season is not a time for stress!

We have all seen it—the grandest of holiday plans come crashing down with the reality of the situation.  You work feverishly cooking a delicious holiday dinner for the extended family, only to be left with a pile of dirty dishes while everyone else retires to watch football.  What a bummer!  

Stress, stress, stress!!!   The holiday season can be among the most stressful times in a relationship - make no mistake about it.  The mere thought that some of the "rogue" family members are coming to your home, the high cost of everything, and the preparation time required, are enough to send you into a state of depression.  Combat that feeling!

Here are a few tips to help you lower your stress level and have the best holiday season ever, in spite of the potential stressors coming your way:  

1. Appreciate the traditions within your family and your spouse's family.   Blend them together in a way that both you and your spouse will cherish and make new memories together.  Don't feel compelled to follow the exact same traditions of one family over the other without a full discussion of what you both want to create your own "traditions" together.

2. Money is not the solution to a great holiday season – especially in these tough economic times.   Rather, it is the simple things that matter – simple acts of kindness, homemade gifts and cards, simple expressions of love.

3. Talk about what you are going to do for the season - what are you and your spouse's highest priorities?   Have this conversation as soon as possible so you both can feel good about your plans.  Then, let all the other holiday "stuff" go by the wayside.  

4. Take a moment in the midst of the chaos and pressure of the holidays to focus on what really matters.   Give your spouse your respect, your understanding, your embrace, your kiss and your time.  Don't let the relatives and friends put a wedge between you and the one you love because of the stress and circumstances surrounding the holidays.  

5. When holiday problems arise – as they always do – an open discussion with your spouse needs to happen as soon as possible.   Discussions about serious matters must always begin with agreement about what the issues really are.  Work to identify the issue, establish the parameters of the discussion, with agreement to solve the problem together.

6. As the stress rises, so does the opportunity for argument and disagreement.   When the holiday tension is so thick that you could cut it with a knife, it is easy to let nasty statements and sharp words roll off your tongue, making judgmental statements about your spouse, their actions, and their relatives.  Think twice before exploding with vitriolic words that cannot be taken back.

7. The holiday doesn't have to be perfect!   It is more important to build memories together for the holidays.  Invite the family and friends to share in the dinner preparation and holiday decorating.  The relationships built are more important than holiday perfection.

Our final thought for the holidays is this – no love has blossomed or been sustained without doing the simple things.    

Simple things do matter!  

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

**For marriage adviceand hundreds of practical tips, get your own copy of the best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts(Jossey-Bass/Wiley). Available wherever books are sold. Learn more about America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts 

Who says celebrity marriages don't last?  We guess you might say, "They'd be wrong!"

We have conducted an endless search of data sources to find out the success rate of celebrity marriages.  And before you ask, we excluded politicians, political pundits, and those who spin the news!  We were only interested in the success rates of famous celebrities, particularly those who live and reside in or near Hollywood or New York City.  And the truth is, we might have missed a few.  We only hope those celebrities will let us know if we omitted them so they can be added to this marriage honor role.

Clearly, we do not pretend to have included every successful celebrity marriage in Hollywood and New York.  We only included those whose successful marriages seemed compelling and whose union would be easily recognized by the average person on the street.  

Here is the list of "celebrity marriages" we came up, their wedding dates and the number of years each couple has been married:

Kirk Douglas and Anna Buydens – May 29, 1954 – 58 years
Anne Meara and Jerry Stiller – September 14, 1954 – 58 years
Larry and Maj Hagman – December 18, 1954 – 57 years
James Garner and Lois Clarke – August 17, 1956 – 56 years
Alan and Arleen Alda – March 15, 1957– 55 years
Paula Prentiss and Richard Benjamin – October 26, 1961 – 51 years
Bill and Camille Cosby – January 25, 1964 – 48 years
Ron and Cheryl Howard – June 7, 1975 – 37 years
Suzanne Somers and Alan Hamel – November 7, 1977– 34 years
Meryl Streep & Don Gummer – September 30, 1978 – 33 years
Phil Donahue and Marlo Thomas – May 21, 1980 – 32 years
Samuel and Latanya Jackson – August 3, 1980 – 32 years (together for 42 years)
Dustin and Lisa Hoffman – October 12, 1980 – 32 years
Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne – July 4, 1982 – 30 years
Denzel and Pauletta Washington – June 25, 1983 – 29 years
Dan Aykroyd and Donna Dixon – April 29, 1983 – 29 years
Jamie Lee Curtis & Christopher Guest – December 18, 1984 – 27 years
D.L. and LaDonna Hughley – February 22, 1986 – 26 years
Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson – April 30, 1988 – 24 years
Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick – September 4, 1988 – 24 years
Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan – July 16, 1988 – 24 years
Kevin Kline and Phoebe Cates – March 5, 1989 – 23 years
John Travolta and Kelly Preston – September 12, 1991 – 21 years
Steven Spielberg and Kate Capshaw – October 12, 1991– 21 years
Bruce and Kris Jenner – April 21, 1991 – 21 years
Clint Black and Lisa Hartman – October 20, 1991 – 21 years
Warren Beatty and Annette Bening – March 12, 1992 – 20 years
Sting of the "Police" and Trudie Styler – August 20, 1992 – 20 years (together for 30 years)
Spike Lee and Tonya Lewis – October, 1993 – 19 years
David E. Kelley and Michele Pfeiffer – November 13, 1993 – 18 years
Mark Consuelos and Kelly Ripa – May 1, 1996 – 16 years
Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith – May 14, 1996 – 16 years
Tim McGraw and Faith Hill – October 6, 1996 – 16 years
Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker – May 19, 1997 – 15 Years
William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman – September 6, 1997– 15 years

The truth is, as long-time marriage researchers, we are growing weary of those who say, "Marriage is old-fashioned," "Marriage isn't important anymore," or "Marriage among celebrities doesn't last."  

Marriage has been around for over 3000 years.  Some say 5000 years!  The fact of the matter is this – it is the most important "glue" of social order that exists in the world today.  And this notion has been true over the millennia.  Those who say otherwise have a political agenda, are ignorant, or have no clue about "how the world turns."   What they say does not match reality.

We are pleased to report that successful marriage is alive and well in Hollywood and New York City and amongst other well-known celebrities across the American continent.  

Now you ask, "Why are so many celebrity marriages working?"  The answer is as clear as it has been for the 30+ years of our research on successful marriages in 47 countries and among those who have lived and worked on ALL seven of the world's continents.

So what are the "secrets" of Building a Love that Lasts?  Here they are in a nutshell.

Successful marriage, love, and relationships all require simple acts.  Simple gestures.  Simple conversations.  Success in love and marriage depends upon an accumulation of the doing the simple things to form the foundation for building a love that lasts.  

The seven key ingredients that define a successful marriage  are easy to understand, yet difficult for many couples to practice in their relationship.  

• Togetherness : Two become one without losing the individual identities of each other. In successful marriage it is not you and me,* it is WE!*  

• Truthfulness: Couples talk about anything and everything. In successful marriage there are no sacred cows and no secrets.  

• Respect: Couples understand that you do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Successful love and marriage is about mutual love and respect.  

• Fitness: Successfully married couples understand that taking care of only their health is not sufficient. They must also promote the health of their spouse. To live until "death do us part" requires a mutual concern about good health.  

• Joint Finances : It is not YOUR money or MY money. In successful marriages, it is OUR money.  

• Tactile Communication: Touching each other multiple times per day is the norm. In successful marriage touching says, "I love you so much I simply must touch you. " Suprisingly, touch does not HAVE to include sex.

• Surprise: Love is characterized by the notions of variety and spice. Successful marriage is exciting, never boring, and full of unpredictable things. Don't always do that which is predictable. Upend expectancies. Variety is the spice of life!  

These celebrity marriages know how to "Build a Love that Lasts."  The secrets of successful marriage apply to them and they can apply to your marriage.  A successful marriage is not mysterious or difficult to understand.  Many celebrities have learned these lessons well.

By Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz

**For marriage adviceand hundreds of practical tips, read the best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts(Jossey-Bass/Wiley). Available wherever books are sold. Learn more about America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts