In our 30+ years of research on successful marriage around the world, we have never heard anything as outrageous as the views espoused in a book entitled, A Gift for Muslim Couple , by Maulavi Ashraf Ali Thanvi.  Us being sick to our collective stomachs is a gross understatement of the outrage we feel about the garbage articulated in this book.

What's really, really sad about this morally bankrupt book is the incredibly mistaken belief that men are the masters of their wives.  How utterly ridiculous is that?  To suggest that women need to be controlled by their husband is ludicrous.  To suggest that women are to be punished if they don't obey their man is completely outrageous!  

The book we are referring to was written by a so-called "Muslim Scholar" ("so-called" is the operative word here!), Maulavi Ashraf Ali Thanvi.  While it was written decades ago, it is currently being sold in a Canadian bookstore.  A Gift to Muslim Couple  is full of morally indefensible and violence-provoking statements that call into question the credibility of the book's author.    

Frankly, we think the author has NO experience working with successfully married couples in the Muslim faith, or any faith!  His beliefs are embarrassingly ignorant!  

Here are a few examples.   If these don't make you feel outraged, nothing will.

This book actually advises men on the best ways to "beat their wives."  Moreover, this morally corrupt book actually suggests that men should hit their wives with "hand or stick or pull her by the ears."  To say this book encourages domestic violence is an understatement!

"If your wife doesn't follow the orders of the man, it might be necessary to restrain her with strength or even to threaten her."

Women cannot leave the house without the husband's permission according to this awful book.   And according to the author's distorted rendition of husbands and wives, "husbands have a right to restrain wives."  Men should, of course, according to this scholar, "refrain from beating his wife excessively."  How benevolent!

Or how about this – "The husband should treat the wife with kindness and love, even if she tends to be stupid and slow sometimes."  Stupid and slow??  What a wonderful way to describe your wife!

Trust us, this is NOT a book about newlyweds, as it purports to be.  This is a book written by someone who has not a clue about what it takes to have a successful marriage in modern society.  This is a book that was written by a mad man with a completely distorted view of marriage between a man and a women.  To write such a book in the name of Islam (or any religion) is an outrage!  To write such a book is an abomination, make no mistake about that.

And worse yet, this type of neaderthal thinking about marriage is sickening.  Inciting a man to hit a women is completely contrary to marriage in the United States and Canada and around the civilized world.  Suggesting that a man is "superior" to a women is ridiculous and utterly absurd.

Here's the problem – people do and say outrageous things in the name of religion.  And while we are not inherently opposed to any religion, we are opposed to anyone who espouses untruths about the sanctity of marriage within a religious context.  

Let's be serious here.  Suggesting that a marriage is anything but an equal contract between two people who love each other is to distort the reality of marriage today – whether it be marriage in the USA, Canada, South America, Europe, Asia, Australia/New Zealand, Africa, or beyond.

We have learned from our 30+ years of research around the world that marriage is an equal partnership between consenting adults who love each other – who believe that "they cannot imagine life without each other."  Those who espouse a contrary point of view are simply uniformed, out of touch with reality, or have an agenda steeped in unsubstantiated dogma or harmful religious doctrine.

Books like A Gift for Muslim Couple  are without merit and without any scientific basis.  Our suggestion to you – don't buy anything so morally bankrupt.  

You and your mate will be better served by reading books that portray the reality of marriage in the modern world – a marriage of equal partners who love each other and who accept the notion that a loving husband does not beat his wife, control her, make her decisions, or in any way condescend to her.  

**For marriage adviceand hundreds of practical tips, read the best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts(Jossey-Bass/Wiley). Available wherever books are sold. Learn more about America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts 

Finding the right lifelong partner can be one of the smartest moves a woman can make, since there are many ways a good relationship  can improve a person.  After a lengthy review of the current research, as well as the findings from our own thirty years of research on marriage, here are the ten top ways a good marriage can improve a man and a woman:

1. The most powerful conclusion of all of the studies is that there is a direct positive relationship between longer life and being married.   One study concluded that women live an average of 4 years longer than unmarried women. What an incentive to find a mate for life!

2. There have been a great number of research studies throughout the world since 1987 demonstrating a positive relationship between being married and better physical health. The links between marriage and good physical health are overwhelming.  Married women have lower rates of serious illness and are less likely to die in hospitals than unmarried women.

3. Married people report being happier than unmarried people.   They are hopeful, happy and feel good about themselves.  A multitude of studies demonstrate the same results.  

4. Men and women in stable relationships have higher levels of psychological health. Married people have lower rates of depression and schizophrenia than unmarried people.  They are more balanced and less likely to experience mental illness.

5. A relationship provides a woman with a built-in support system.   Research indicates that women in a marriage feel supported, saying that they always have someone they trust to confide in and to lean on in times of need.

6. A married man woman is less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol than an unmarried woman.  Numerous studies indicate that married individuals are less likely than unmarried persons to engage in risky behaviors including the use of drugs or alcohol because of their feelings of responsibility.

7. Married women have greater earnings than unmarried women. The most recent studies of women's earning power demonstrate that married women earn more than unmarried women even when their husband's income is not considered part of their earnings.  The vast majority of the studies take all of the various possible factors into consideration and the results still demonstrate greater earnings for married women than for unmarried ones.

8. A married woman will save more money than an unmarried woman.  In the United States married individuals in their 50s and 60s have a net worth per person roughly twice that of other unmarried individuals.  

9. A married woman will have sex more often and enjoy it more.   Physically and emotionally married couples report a greater satisfaction with sex then their unmarried counterparts.  Married couples also have sexual intimacy more often than unmarried couples.

10. If you are married, your children have a better chance to be healthier, doing better academically and having fewer emotional problems.  Children living in families with married parents are more likely to have proper health care, better nutrition and less stress to deal with at home. Children with married parents have significantly better grades, test scores and overall success in school than their counterparts raised in households with unmarried individuals.

Linda Gallagher and Maggie Waite, after analyzing the results of their comprehensive study on the benefits of marriage in 1990, suggested that there should be a warning about not being married.  They want divorce decrees to carry the warning label, "Not being married can be hazardous to your health."  They could not have said it better.  

By Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz

**For hundreds of practical tips to strengthen your love and marriage advice read the best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts (Jossey-Bass/Wiley) Available wherever books are sold. Learn more about America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts and take the Marriage Quiz 

Two recent and very powerful studies about the state of marriage in America offer irrefutable proof that marriage in America is in decline.

A study by the Pew Charitable Trust, and another entitled the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, offer clear proof that marriage is in decline in America, particularly among the middle class and in the African-American community.  

Given the importance of marriage as a stabilizing factor in America throughout our two and one-half centuries of existence as a nation – the glue to social order if you will – such declines in marriage should be of immense concern to all of us.

So, the most important question of the day is, why?  Why is marriage in decline in the USA?  

We have reflected on this issue recently after hearing the stories of others whom we have interviewed about the topic.  We have concluded that the legal profession has a lot to do with the decline of marriage in the USA.  

Think about this.  The American legal profession is increasingly a "player" in marriage and divorce in this country.  And as we muse about all this we have become more and more convinced that our legal system has, and perhaps unwittingly, contributed to the decline of marriage in America.

We have all seen the crass television commercials promoting legal services to men who want to keep "THEIR" money at the expense of their soon-to-be ex-wives and children.  More depressing is our constant bombardment of horror stories about women who have spent their last dime trying to fight rich and powerful husbands for years in divorce court.  It isn't supposed to be this way.

While the legal system in divorce proceedings is principally designed to protect children and the mothers who have contributed mightily to the success of a husband throughout the course of a marriage, the lawyers have twisted it for financial gain, increasingly so in recent years.

When we interviewed several divorced women we heard poignant and compelling stories about how they sacrificed their own education so that they could support their husband's career.  They reported how they single-handedly raised their children while their husbands were in medical school, law school, or preparing for some other advanced academic degree.  Unfortunately, their self-centered and narcissistic ex-husbands denied that their successes in life had anything to do with the sacrifices or contributions of their wife and their children.  

Therein lies the problem – men who think that all accumulated material wealth in a marriage is theirs!  When the marriage starts to dissolve and one or the other files for divorce, the men suddenly proclaim that they are not responsible for child support or for spousal support.

Many of the women we have interviewed tell us that judges will often order the fair and equitable division of the family assets according to the laws of the state they reside in, the ex-husband will agree in writing, but often ends up appealing the decision to a higher court so that he does not have to share the family assets – the assets he considers his OWN!  It goes on and on.  And it isn't fair!

There is something terribly wrong with this picture!  But there is more.

Often times, judges will order child support and spousal maintenance only to have the ex-husband and his band of lawyers renege on the commitment.  In most all states a husband is NOT allowed to unilaterally and arbitrarily decide to stop or withhold child and spousal support payments.  Yet, many do and oftentimes, the judges let them get by with it!  Sometimes, the judges will not support the very orders they delivered from the bench!  How shameful is that?

Here is the point of all this – whatever happened to justice? Why do women and their children suffer unnecessarily in a court system that is designed to protect them?  Why do the courts not support the level playing field they are obligated to support?  

All of this discussion brings us back to our main question – are lawyers and the American legal system responsible, even partly so, for the decline of marriage in America?  Our answer is, YES!  Here's why.

It is our thesis that many people are, indeed, avoiding marriage for a myriad of reasons too numerous to mention.  However, one of the main reasons people are avoiding marriage is their fear of failing at marriage. Their fear of being forced to deal with the suffering and unfairness they might face in a corrupt legal system that cares little about them and so much more about protecting the powerful, the abusive, and the selfish.

The divorce laws in most states are designed to protect the children of marriage.  They are designed to protect the women who make enormous contributions to a marriage.  But why are those same women later denied those things for which they are entitled from that marriage as a result of spurious legal proceedings.

When you think about it, is it little wonder so many people are avoiding marriage?  It seems clear to us that many fear the legal system they will face if their marriage doesn't work out.  The legal system seems increasingly hostile to women and children.  The dangers of this are certainly something to be concerned about.  Expect more from us on this topic.

By Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz

**For hundreds of practical tips to strengthen your love, read the best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that LastsThe Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley) Available wherever books are sold. Learn more about America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts 

As our loyal readers know, we have been researching successful marriage around the world for nearly three decades. In our travels throughout 47 countries in search of the best marriages we are often asked, "Are there ways to ensure that a marriage will succeed?" The answer is of course, "no."  Life, love, and marriage do not come with absolute guarantees.  Marriage does not come with a warranty.  

Let us hasten to add, however, you can greatly increase the odds that your marriage will last for a lifetime if your profile closely resembles the 15 predictors of a successful marriage  discovered as a result of our 30 years of research in 47 countries.

The 15 predictors of a successful marriage are:  

1. It stands to reason that you and the one you love must first pass the Marriage Quiz. If you can't get out of the starting gate with a successful marriage, the rest doesn't matter. Take the Quiz and if you both receive a score of 18 or higher on the Marriage Quiz you have met the first pre-requisite of a successful marriage.  

2. Wait until you are at least 25+ to get married.   Couples who get married after the age of 25 are far more likely to stay married than those who get married sooner. Experience and wisdom come with age.

3. Have an income-producing job with stability before you get married .  Here's what we know, couples with annual incomes over $50,000 (vs. under $25,000) experience a drastically reduced risk of divorce.

4. Do NOT have children in the first year of your marriage.  Nora Ephron once said, "Having children is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage!"  Children are wonderful, but they bring stress and challenges to a marital relationship, especially to a new marriage.  Bring children into the world when your marriage is ready for them.

5. Being spiritual and/or religious is good for your marriage.   Couples that consider themselves religious or spiritual (vs. not) are considerably less likely to get divorced.  Faith and spirituality contribute to the sense of oneness felt by successfully married couples – a necessary prerequisite to a long and happy marriage.

6. Focus on getting an education that includes post-secondary training.   College educated couples have a much less chance of divorce than those with only a high school diploma.  Education almost always leads to enlightenment and understanding and more tolerance for the views of others – so critically important in successful marriages.  

7. Make sure your spouse is your best friend.   When someone asks you who your best friend is, the honest answer must be, "My spouse."  There is no other acceptable answer to this question. Being in love is never enough without friendship.

8. Always fight fair in your marriage. All married couples argue—the difference is how  they argue.  Arguing is healthy for a marriage.  Just fight fair and never make your arguments personal and hurtful!

9. Never lose your individual identity or subjugate your individual strengths just because you got married.   While in many ways "two becomes one" in the best marriages, losing the sense of "who you are" hurts your marriage.  

10. Never engage in acts of infidelity. While some marriages survive infidelity, the overwhelming majority do not.  Think long and hard about what you will lose before you engage in infidelity – before you violate the most sacred of marital trusts.  

11. Always allow time to be alone – for both you and your spouse.  We have learned over the past three decades of research that every human being has a fundamental predisposition to be alone.  Allow yourself time to be alone to your thoughts each day. Extending the same opportunity to your spouse will pay huge dividends for your marriage.

12. Talk about anything and everything!  Marriages thrive on open communication and honest discussion.  The most successfully married couples we have interviewed around the world tell us that they have learned to communicate frequently, fairly, openly, and honestly.   Mum is not the word in marriages that work!

13. Always show mutual respect and admiration for each other. The best marriages repeatedly engage in acts of kindness towards each other with no expectation of something in return.  They work hard to understand each other's needs and wants. But remember – these behaviors take daily practice!

14. The greatest joy in life for both you and your spouse is spending time with each other.   If you do not feel this way, you do NOT fit the profile of the most happily and successfully married couples we have interviewed around the world. There is no substitute for togetherness when it comes to a happily married couple.

15. Understand that all marriages go through seasons - much like the seasons of nature. Those marriages that last over time started with the simple planting of a seed.  The seed was nourished over time.  Love grown with tender and loving care matures into fully-grown love that can withstand the tests of time.  

These predictors associated with the best marriages do not occur by accident or happenstance. Heed the advice and the odds are in your favor for a lifetime of marital happiness.  Ignore the predictors and do so at your own peril.  The choice is yours.  

By Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz

**For hundreds of practical tips to strengthen your love, read the best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that LastsThe Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley) Available wherever books are sold. Learn more about America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts 

Thanksgiving is NOT a time for stress!  It is a time to be with family and friends.  It is a time to be with the one you love.  Thanksgiving is a time for reflection on loving someone and being in love.

We have all seen it—the grandest of Thanksgiving plans come crashing down with the reality of the situation.  You work feverishly cooking a delicious Thanksgiving dinner for the extended family, only to be left with a pile of dirty dishes while everyone else retires to watch football.  What a bummer!  

Stress, stress, stress!!!   Thanksgiving can be among the most stressful times in a relationship - make no mistake about it.  The mere thought that some of the "rogue" family members are coming to your home, the high cost of everything, and the preparation time required, are enough to send you into a state of depression.  Combat that feeling!

Here are a few tips to help you and your spouse lower your stress leve l and have the best Thanksgiving ever, in spite of the potential stressors coming your way:

1. Appreciate the traditions within your family and your spouse's family, even if they are different.   Blend them together in a way that both you and your spouse agree on and make new memories together.  Don't feel compelled to follow the exact same traditions of one family over the other without a full discussion of what you both want to create.  In the end, together, you can create your own "traditions."  

2. Talk about what you both want to do for the Thanksgiving Season - what are you and your spouse's highest priorities?   Have this conversation as soon as possible so you can both feel good about your plans.  Then, let all the other Thanksgiving "stuff" go by the wayside.  Maybe you will agree on a big dinner with family and friends.   Maybe the two of you will decide to serve dinner at a shelter or deliver meals to those in need to experience the joy of Thanksgiving in a meaningful way.  It is your choice, but decide it together.  Thanksgiving should be a joyous time, a thankful time.  

3. Take a moment in the midst of the chaos and pressure of Thanksgiving to focus on what really matters – the love of your spouse.   Give your spouse your respect, your understanding, your embrace, your kiss, and your time.  Don't let the relatives and friends put a wedge between you and the one you love because of the stress and circumstances surrounding the holiday season.  

4. When problems arise – as they always do – talk openly and honestly with your spouse.  Discussions about serious matters must always begin with agreement about what the issues really are.  Work to identify the issue, establish the parameters of the discussion, and secure mutual agreement to solve the problem together.

5. Anticipating the natural feeling of stress that occurs around a holiday season will help you be prepared to deal with it.   As the stress rises, so does the opportunity for argument and disagreement.  When the tension is so thick that you can cut it with a knife, it is easy to let nasty statements and sharp words roll off your tongue, making judgmental statements about your spouse, their actions, and their relatives.  Think twice before using vitriolic words that cannot be taken back.

6. The simple things matter at Thanksgiving .  Keep things simple and relatively inexpensive.  Thanksgiving is all about sharing, being thankful for the bountiful harvest of friendship and love, and breaking bread together with friends and family.  It should not be about how elegant or sumptuous the meal is.  Many extended families are spread out across the country and the world.  Find ways to connect for the Thanksgiving holiday, even if it occurs by telephone, email, or video call, and not in person.

7. Thanksgiving doesn't have to be perfect!   It is more important to build memories together for Thanksgiving.  Invite the family and friends to share in the dinner preparation and holiday decorating.  The relationships built are more important than holiday perfection.

Our final thought is to make this Thanksgiving the best ever by keeping your focus on what really matters—the love of you spouse, your family and your friends.

**For hundreds of practical tips to strengthen your love, read the best selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that LastsThe Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley), available wherever books are sold. Learn more about America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts 

We have witnessed time and time again marriages in which one or both partners fail to understand the importance of being alone, not only for themselves, but for their spouse as well.  When we first introduce this concept to others, the reaction is usually one of surprise.  Many couples are of the mistaken notion that they are to be constantly attentive to their spouse.  While their intentions are good, their desire to be attentive causes them to, in fact, interfere with the quality of their communicative relationship with their mate.  The desire for too much closeness can inadvertently drive a wedge between husband and wife.  Isn't that ironic?

The recognition and practice of the absolute need for privacy and aloneness is, in our judgment after analyzing thousands of interviews, a fundamental predisposition of successful marriages.  The amount of time available to satisfy these two needs varies from one marriage to another and from one spouse to another.  But one thing is clear, all marriages will stand the test of time only if these duel needs are recognized and respected.  How do you and your spouse improve the quality of communication based on this notion?

Each individual has a different level of need that can change at different stages in their life.  Understanding and recognizing the level of need can be quite difficult at times, especially for a person with a low level of need for privacy and aloneness.  Being alone to your thoughts provides for you a periodic psychological renewal.  A few moments alone to your thoughts each day frees the spirit and cleanses the soul.  Do not deny yourself these moments together with yourself.  You know what we are talking about don't you?  Remember, to recognize that your spouse also has these same needs.

Just as important is assuring yourself and your spouse that it is natural to have this need and that everyone has this need.  In other words, feeling guilty about needing and wanting alone time is not appropriate or healthy.  Recognize the need and embrace it.

If you and your spouse allow each other time for privacy and aloneness, think of the possibilities.  The quality of communication can only be enhanced between the two of you after refreshing your mind and spirit with alone time.  Did you ever notice how hard it is to talk and listen to someone else when your mind is overflowing with thoughts about work, home, children, and the like?  No matter how hard you try, you listen but you do not really hear.  And you want to know why?  It is because you have denied yourself those moments of belonging only to yourself.  What kind of real communication goes on between the two people in a marriage within this context?  We believe the evidence is clear—not much!

Isn't it interesting that at the root of successful communication with your mate is no communication at all?  You'll have to admit, this is an interesting notion with considerable merit.  If we were pressed, we would probably admit that privacy and aloneness have been at the top of our list of needs many times in our marriage.  We live such hectic lives at work that the time to be alone with our own thoughts is paramount to our engaging in any meaningful communication with each other.

You have to belong to yourself before you can belong to others.  Do not miss the opportunity.  As the song goes "Even lovers need a holiday . . . time away . . . from each other!"

Simple Things Matter in love and marriage.  Love well!

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

For more tips to enhance your relationship get the Doctor's best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that LastsThe Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.
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