By America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts .

We know very well how important it is to rebound in a timely manner from a failed relationship.  Of the thousands of couples we have interviewed over the past 27 years on Six of the world's Seven continents, many of them were remarried after suffering through a relationship that didn't work.  And irrespective of the reason, there is a "pace" to take when building a love that lasts .

Recently, we interviewed an individual who is engaged in a new relationship after filing for a divorce from a very bad man (mental and physical abuse, child molestation, and other sinister actions).  

On the surface, her story is like so many others.  She finds a new guy she loves dearly, wants to marry him, and is hopeful that he will see the light and commit to spending the rest of his life with her.  

To rid herself of the husband she is trying to escape (think divorce!) due to an abusive relationship ? both for her and her children ? is clearly understandable and defensible.  However, the extent of the abuse (which is substantial) is not the purpose of this missive.  Rather, the intent of this essay is to talk about her search for new love and new direction in her life.

Here's what she reports.  She loves the new man in her life.  He is kind and gentle.  He is a gentleman.  He personifies all of the characteristics she longed for in the man of her dreams.

More importantly, she wants him to tell her he loves her, that he wants to spend his life with her, and that he considers her the center of his universe.

Here's where it gets complicated.  She loves him and he loves her.  But the truth is, she is not yet divorced from the abusive man she is "officially" married to under the law.   He gets scared!  He wonders if he should make commitments to her given the fact that she is still "married."

Here is the truth ? new love is best not rushed!  When you fall in love again, you must understand that your new lover enters the relationship with various levels of insecurity based on your OLD relationship.  If your divorce is not yet finalized, he is a skeptic.  Will she really love me?  Am I the one she truly loves?  Am I the man of her dreams?  Will her divorce really become final or will I be left "holding the bag?"

The simple truth is this ? love is complicated the second time around!  

Consider this ? two-thirds of second marriages end in divorce!  It should come as no surprise that there are skeptics out there when it comes to finding love the second time around.

We know that finding love again is tough.  And frankly, we know that getting the new guy to commit is not easy.  He is afraid.  He has, perhaps, been burned before.  Moreover, he is afraid to commit his love, his sacred honor, and his undying dedication to you as long as you are married, irrespective of when the divorce is finalized.

Here is where the rubber hits the road ? falling in love again is easy, but getting a commitment for the rest of your life is not.  Our suggestion to you is this ? never, ever, assume that your new love is willing to commit to you for the rest of your life in the absence of a bonifide divorce.  One chapter in life must end before another one can begin!

Trust us when we say this ? your new love is intimidated by the commitment to   "marriage" before your divorce is complete.  It doesn't matter whether the impending divorce is virtually certain.  What matters is that the divorce will be real!  What matters is that your new love can trust that you will love him unconditionally, irrespective of the official date of your impending divorce.

People get remarried all the time.  And, for the most part, and for some very good reasons, true love trumps everything.  Love is the elixir of life.  To love and to be in love is amongst the greatest triumphs of humanity.  To spend your life on planet Earth is a great privilege.  But to do your best to make great love your reason for being on Earth is, well, the principle reason humans strive to achieve the pinnacle of love.  

Finding new love is a good thing.  Going slow in your pursuit of a new love and a new relationship is admirable.   To do less is to do a disservice to you and the one you purport to love.

In the beginning, great love is best not rushed.  Finding new love requires patience.  Finding new love requires you to understand that getting in a hurry in your new romance runs the risk of running away the person you truly love.  Don't take the risk.  

Love is patient and love is kind.  Don't ever forget that simple notion.  In the beginning of new love, don't get in a hurry.

Simple Things Matter in love and marriage.  Love well!

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

Authors of the best-selling book and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts : The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.  Learn more about America's Love and Marriage Experts  

My Beloved Liz,

I can't believe we have been together since you were 18 years old!  Now turning 62, you are as beautiful and vibrant as ever.  Honestly, I don't know how I got you to be my bride nearly 44 years ago.  You must have been drinking and didn't recognize me!

Frankly, I cannot imagine my life without you.  You are everything I ever wanted in a soulmate ? in a lovemate ? in a wife.  You are everything I could have ever wanted and hoped for in my life's companion.   I had high expectations for the girl of my dreams and you have exceeded them on all counts!  

Growing up in small town Missouri, I used to stare at the stars at night and dream of my future life.  I never imagined I would spend it with someone like you!  You are the fulfillment of my dreams.  I cannot imagine life without you!

Too often in life, people who think they are in love are not truly in love.  It took me about one minute to realize those many years ago that I was in love with you.  In fact, on our first date, my heart fluttered during our first dance.

Sitting on the park benches outside your college dormitory, night after night I watched you walk by with your hair a-flopping!  I said to myself many times that I was going to "marry that girl!"  When you turned me down for what could have been our first date, I was crushed.  My confidence was shattered.  But for some reason, I reached deep down inside myself and worked up the courage to ask you again.  You said yes!  And as they say, the rest is history.  Small town Missouri boy meets Southern California girl and love reigns supreme!

You have made my life complete.  And together we created a beautiful daughter and she has given us marvelous grandchildren.  What could be a better legacy for our life together than that?  I wouldn't change a thing.  I love you more than life itself.  

Love Forever, Charley
Valentine’s Day 2010

Authors of the best-selling book and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts  The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.  Learn more about America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts  

By America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts  

Many pundits talk about the importance of friends, family and childhood experiences to the success of love and marriage.  But how important is a sturdy support system of friends and family to couples with highly successful marriage successful marriages /?

Successfully married couples have NOT reported to us that having a sturdy support system of friends and relatives was a prerequisite to their successful marriage successful marriage /.  Quite the contrary ? the thousands of happily married couples that we interviewed on six continents of the world have reported to us that* the strength of their personal relationship with each other was based, well, on their relationship  with each other* , irrespective of their friends and relatives!  Imagine that!  Having friends and a supportive family is nice, but it is certainly NOT a prerequisite to a blissful, happy, and successful marriage successful marriage /.

Here is another part of that supportive family issue ? stable childhoods are NOT a prerequisite to a successful marriage.   We have interviewed couples that have been successfully married for 30-77 years and virtually none of them have reported that a "stable childhood" was the defining element in their successful marriage successful marriage /.  

In fact, most of the successfully  married couples we have interviewed suggest to us that their childhood experiences didn't matter much with regard to their marriage.  Their marriage depended, more than anything else, on their relationship with each other.  The success of their marriage was determined by the strength of their relationship with each other ? nothing more, nothing less.  Let's leave the blame on childhood experiences ? for good or bad ? behind as unworthy when it comes to a successful marriage successful marriage /.

As human beings, we have this amazing capacity to love and be loved.  In a successful marriage successful marriage /, this notion is multiplied ten-fold!  Successful marriage represents an accumulation of the reciprocal notion of loving and being loved.  The relationship between husband and wife trumps everything else!

Authors of the best-selling book and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts  The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.  Learn more about America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts  

By America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts .
We have said it before and we now say it again ? the divorce rate in the United States of America is NOT 5 !  It is more likely, closer to 40 , perhaps, slightly less, according to some estimates.  Here are the facts.

According to Brad Wilcox in "The Evolution of Divorce" in the Fall 2009 issue of National Affairs, "The divorce rate fell from a historic high of 22.6 divorces per 1,000 married women in 1980 to 17.5 in 2007. In real terms, this means that slightly more than 4 of contemporary first marriages are likely to end in divorce, down from approximately 50 in 1980. Perhaps even more important, recent declines in divorce suggest that a clear majority of children who are now born to married couples will grow up with their married mothers and fathers."

This number clearly approximates what we have been espousing for several years.  The clear fact of the matter is this ? the divorce rate in America has been going DOWN for nearly 30 years!

What is worse is that many use the inaccurate 50% divorce rate notion to push for pre-nuptial agreements.  They argue that "since so many people get divorced," signing a pre-nuptial agreement is only prudent and sensible.  It is insurance against a failed relationship according to them.

To us, this is like saying, "Let's never get married because our chances of failure are 4 out of 100 ."  Or, "Let's not fall in love at all because we might fall out of love in the future."  Pretty silly, huh?

We believe that Pre-Nuptial Agreements are a bad idea for the most part!  Just imagine, telling someone that you love him or her, but you don’t trust them!  To us, this is analogous to having two separate checking accounts in a marriage—one for him and one for her.  In both cases it becomes a case of yours and mine.   Or, how about this, "I love you with the following conditions."  Whatever happened to US?  We?  Love without conditions?

Frankly, we don’t believe that the true meaning of “marriage” allows for this sort of duplicitous relationship between two people who say they love each other.  True love means true love.  You can’t have a bonifide loving and successful marriage or relationship when you have a Pre-Nuptial Agreement!  People who invented this concept don’t know anything about real love and real relationships.  Only people with an agenda would encourage something so anti-love, so anti-relationship, and so anti-marriage.

The sad news—in the United States, prenuptial agreements are recognized in all fifty states and the District of Columbia.  This is a sad commentary on the state of love, marriage, and relationships in America.  Why do we need them?  What ever happened to pure, unconditional love!  We believe it still exists!  It is still the norm, thank goodness!

According to Wikipedia, "There are two types of prenuptial agreements: a marriage contract for people who are married or about to be married, and a cohabitation agreement for unmarried couples. A variation for people who are already married is a postnuptial agreement."  We think all three are bad for love, bad for relationships, and bad for marriage.  Here's why.

In our research with successfully married couples for over 26 years on six of the world's seven continents, we have found a number of recurring and pervasive themes.  Foremost among them is an abiding trust in and for each other.  They trust each other completely and without conditions.  People who truly love each other do so without conditions.  They have unconditional love ? as it should be.

Like most things in successful relationships, the little things matter.  Caring deeply for someone ? loving someone ? is only as real as the honesty of the relationship between the two people who profess to love and care for each other.  

We ask you these questions ? Do you truly and deeply love someone else?  Do you care for another human being more that you care for yourself?  Is there someone in your life that you would die for?  Is there someone you would like to spend the rest of your life on Earth with?  Is there someone you share your deepest and darkest secrets with?  Is there someone that you cannot imagine life without?

If the answers to all of the above are the same for both of you, then you are completely and wonderfully in love.  People like you do not need a pre-nuptial agreement.  What you do need to do is spend your lives together.  What you do need to do is cement your relationship with each other.  What you do need to do is all of the simple things required to make your marriage or relationship work.  What you don't need to do is sign a pre-nuptial agreement!  Let love reign!

Simple Things Matter in love and marriage.  Love well!

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
Authors of the best-selling book and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the 2009 Mom's Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
2009 Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships

By America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts.

Today is a day to remember!  Our publisher officially released our multiple award-winning book in paperback!  Our labor of love ? our heart's work for the past 26+ years ? has come to fruition in a format that will reach even more people.  Excerpts of many of our interviews with successfully married couples in the USA and around the world, and their secrets to marital success, are revealed in our book ? Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage  (Jossey-Bass/Wiley).

There was dancing in our kitchen this morning!  There will be champagne tonight!  It's fun to birth a book.  Life is good. As our readers, you are a part of this celebration!!  

We quickly contacted via email and telephone all those involved in our collective "labor of love."  There were lots of congratulatory messages.  There were tears.  There were lots of folks wanting to hold the book ? wanting to touch it, squeeze it, admire it, kiss it, and hug it.  Everybody expressed their appreciation and admiration for their work ? for their labor of love.  What started out as our book so many years ago became everybody's book.  You can't beat that feeling of satisfaction that you get when people know a job has been done well.  It felt good to feel the love and the excitement.

The interview requests are pouring in.  The book signings are being confirmed. The lessons of successful marriage we have shared in our book will now be revealed for even more of the world to see.  It feels good.

Successful marriage, successful relationships, and successful love ? all depend on those who inhabit these relationships to do the simple things required to build a love to last ? brick by brick, day by day.

Successful marriage, love, and relationships all require simple acts.  Simple gestures.  Simple conversations.  Success in love and marriage and in love and relationships depends on an accumulation of having done the simple things.  Success is really no more complicated than this.  Our book is about doing the simple things.  The simple things are the building blocks required to build a love to last.  The simple things are the "seven surprising secrets of successful marriage."

So friends, on this exciting day, we offer you the teasers ? the seven surprising secrets of successful marriage.  To get the whole truth and nothing but the truth you will have to read the book available wherever books are sold!  Here are our teasers!

1.   In successful marriages, two becomes one.   It is not you and me, it is WE!  

2.   In successful marriages, couples talk about anything and everything.   There are no sacred cows ? no secrets.  

3.   In successful marriages, couples understand that you do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  Successful love and marriage is about mutual love, respect, and understanding.  

4.   In successful marriages, couples understand that taking care of themselves in a health sense is not sufficient.  You must also promote health in your spouse.  To live until "death do us part" requires a mutual concern about good health .

5.   In successful marriage, it is not YOUR money and MY money.   It is OUR money .

6.   In successful marriages, touching each other multiple times per day is the norm.  When you touch your spouse you are acknowledging their presence and telling them, "I love you so much I simply must touch you!"  

7.   Successful marriages are full of variety and spice.  They are exciting and rarely dull or boring.  Successful marriages don't always follow a path to predictability.  They upend expectancies ? they stir the pot.  They laugh a lot.  The notion that "variety is the spice of life"  is their daily mantra.

The simple truth is this ? those marriages that succeed are those that have accumulated over time a basket full of having done the simple things day in and day out in their relationship!  A marriage that fails is, more often than not, characterized by the refusal of one or more of the two inhabiting the relationship to do the hard work of doing the simple things day in and day out.

In our thousands of interviews with successfully married couples over these past 26+ years on SIX of the world's seven continents, it has become patently clear to us that no love was ever made, sustained, or endured without a clear commitment to building a love that lasts.  

Simple things matter in love and marriage.  Why not build your love to last?  Love well!

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

Authors of the best-selling book Building a Love that Lasts:  The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage  (Jossey-Bass/Wiley publisher ? available wherever books are sold.

Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the 2009 Mom's Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
2009 Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships
Learn more about America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts

By America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts.

This is the time of the year when so many of us make promises to ourselves and to others that we rarely ever keep!  These so-called "New Year's Resolutions" sound good when we make them but, all too often, we ignore them by Valentine's Day.  

You know the familiar refrains ? I will lose weight.  I will quit smoking.  I will call my Mom at least once a week.  I will tell my wife/husband I love them every day. ? and the list goes on
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How about you do something different this year.  How about making a New Year's Resolution you plan to keep!  Why not commit to making love your New Year's Resolution?  More importantly, why don't you make a commitment to tell someone you deeply love that you really love them ? and that you will do it several times every day in 2010!

Make this the year you commit to never making the egregious sin of saying, "Oh, I don't need to tell her (him) I love her (him).  They know I love them."  Wrong!  If you love someone you must tell them ? you must tell them every day.  You must tell them how much you love them and how important they are in your life.  You cannot possibly love someone with all your heart and with all your soul, and not tell them every day of your life.  It is simply not possible.  Here's why.

We have interviewed thousands of happily married couples over the past 27 years.  We report our findings in our new book entitled Building a Love that Lasts (Jossey-Bass/Wiley) that is available everywhere books are sold. We have learned many things from the lovebirds we have interviewed over the years, but one thing is certain ? one thing is pervasive in all of our interviews ? people in love say so!  They tell each other every day!  They shout it to the stars each day.  To be in love ? to be truly in love ? is to tell the one you love that you love them every day of your life.  To do less is to diminish your love for them.

Recently, we were in France interviewing successfully married couples.  While in Lyon we spent time with the grandparents of one of Charley's exchange students, Barbara, who lives in Lyon with her husband, Francois.  Her wonderful grandparents had been in love for nearly 61 years.  They reported to us that every day of their lives together they tell each other how much they love each other ? how deep their love for each other is.  To watch their eyes mist up over the mere mention of their love for each other brought tears to our eyes.  

We have seen this reaction over and over in the collective 15,000+ years of marriage we have interviewed over these past 27 years.  It's always the same ? people in love show their love for each other, but they also TELL their love for each other.  They do it every day.  To understand why they have stayed married for so long ? in this case 58 years ? you only have to observe their love for each other and listen to their words.  You just have to listen to their words.  They love each other and they tell each other multiple times each day.  You can learn a lot from people who are truly in love.

So, friends, when you start making your New Year's Resolutions this year, start with love.  After love, all things are possible.  Make love your New Year's Resolution.  You will never regret it.

Simple things matter in love and marriage.  Love well!

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

Authors of the best-selling book Building a Love that Lasts:  The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley publisher ? available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the 2009 Mom's Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
2009 Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships
Learn more about America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts