By America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts

Give a Valentine's Day present of touch to the one you love.  What could be better or more meaningful?  Here's why it could just be the best Valentine's Day present ever.

We have been married for 42 years and simply can't keep our hands off of each other!  For many years, we thought we were unique.  Then we started our research for our book, and did we get a big surprise—virtually every happily married coupled we interviewed reported the same condition!  Over time we have come to call it the "tactile response."  Literally translated, it means, "I touch you here, I touch you there, I touch you everywhere!"  

During our interviews with married couples we pay a lot of attention to their tactile interactions.  More often than not, they sit on the couch during the interview and hold hands or place some part of their body on their mate's body.  It is their way of saying "I love you so much I simply must touch you."  So why all of this touching?  

As part of our interviews we asked the couples to tell us what they believe to be the most endearing and important characteristics of their spouse.  We continued with the following questions:  "How would you describe your spouse?  What adjectives would you use?"  Here are the words we most often heard: encouraging, positive, loving, honest, has integrity, beautiful (or handsome), understanding, wonderful, patient, loves life, loves me, unselfish, giving, caring, trusting, generous, helpful, conscientious, and humorous.  Words to live by in a marriage wouldn't you say?  And they said these things unabashedly, without apologies.

Successful couples know nearly everything about each other.  They have studied in infinite detail how their spouse looks, feels and acts.  They know what makes the one they love tick and can recite in scripture and verse their best qualities.  They brag about each other all the time. They love each other for a whole bunch of reasons and don't mind telling you what they are.

What do their words about each other have to do with touching?  Here's what we observed during our many interviews—when couples told us something special about their spouse in response to our questions, they would touch each other as if to emphasize the importance of the words.  Touching was like an exclamation mark!  Over time, we believe that these couples, like the two of us, say these words with a touch without always saying the words out loud.  Touching becomes kind of a Morse Code—a substitute for language and the expression of feeling.  Successfully married couples have mastered the Morse Code of marriage – it's called touching.

A wise person once said that if you pass your spouse 100 times a day, you should touch them 100 times a day.  When you touch someone, you are acknowledging his or her presence and expressing your love.  In effect you are saying, "I love you so much I simply must touch you."  What could be a better Valentine's Day gift than the gift of touch.  Brail the one you love for Valentine's Day. Start your own Morse Code this Valentine's Day with the perfect exclamation mark of love – a simple touch.

Happy Valentine's Day.  Love Well!

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts

Authors of the Best Relationship Book of 2008
INDIE Book Awards Gold Medal Winner
Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
2009 Mom's Choice Awards Gold Medal Winner
Available at GoldenAnniversaries.com, BarnesandNoble.com, and at Bookstores

By America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts

Here we sit gazing at the beautiful turquoise blue ocean from our perch on the balcony of our room at the Marriott Casa Magna in Cancun, Quintana Roo, Mexico.  We are conducting interviews of successfully married couples in Mexico as we continue our travels around the world searching for the best marriages.

Today we had the pleasure of interviewing Isabel and Luis, two lovebirds who have been married for 33 years.  They come from different backgrounds but are very much in love with each other.

Luis grew up terribly poor in a small town in Mexico just to the west of Leona Vicario.  While his beginnings were humble, he has done well for himself and his family over the years.  He recently became the general manager for a resort hotel in the Caribbean, no small accomplishments for a boy who grew up with 10 siblings in a wooden pole hut with a dirt floor and a palm leaf thatched roof.  

Most of us can only imagine what it was like to grow up that poor in a community where there is very little opportunity.  Luis cut wood stakes at an early age and sold them to other families to burn for cooking and for keeping their homes warm at night.  We were so curious about the little town he grew up in that we rented a car and drove to it earlier this week.  It doesn't look like much has changed over the years.  And those thatched palm leave roofs still adorn the modest huts with the dirt floors for many of the village residents.  Luis has, indeed, come a long way.

Isabel had a different upbringing.  Her father would be considered rich by most any standard.  The view from her bedroom growing up was the beautiful turquoise colored ocean of the Caribbean Sea near Playa del Carmen, Quintana Roo, Mexico.  Her father was a land developer along the Mexican Riviera by the Caribbean Ocean.  He got in on the ground floor of a series of resorts that now dot the white sands of the Caribbean Ocean from Cancun to Tulum.  Tourism is now the number one industry in this part of Mexico and Isabel's father got very rich developing those luxury resorts.

As you can imagine, the first time Luis and Isabel met they paid little attention to each other beyond a nod of the head when a friend of one of her brothers, Artemio, introduced them at a local Mercado one Saturday afternoon in Playa del Carmen, where Isabel shopped and Luis worked at a local hotel washing dishes.  

Over time, this daughter of a wealthy land developer and this son of a pauper began to cross paths more frequently at various locations around town.  And as curious as it might sound, they began, as Luis says, "making eyes at each other!"  One warm Caribbean afternoon Luis asked this beautiful rich girl if she would go out with him and for some unexplainable reason according to Luis, she said yes!

Given the traditions of the time, Isabel's father would certainly object strenuously if he found out his daughter was dating a dishwasher.  In her father's day, the families of the bride and groom arranged the marriage.  The thought of a rich girl marrying a poor man was simply out of the question!  Luis and Isabel knew that, but their love for each other grew every time they were together and grew even stronger when they were apart.

So you are asking your self, "What is the rest of this story?"   Did love triumph over family traditions?  Did Luis marry Isabel over the objections of her father?  Well, the truth is, Isabel's father loved her deeply and while he had great apprehension about her daughter's choice of a poor dishwasher for a husband, he did see great promise in Luis.  In fact, he was quite impressed with Luis' intelligence and industriousness.

More importantly, he trusted and respected his daughter's judgment and as he frequently said, his daughter "was just like his wife" – strong, independent, a mind of her own – and he admired his daughter for being the same!  In a country where men often ruled the roost after marriage, Isabel's father was a non-traditionalist.  He admired strong women and could not stand in the way of her desires when it came to the man in her life.  Luis was a good, decent, and honorable young man and if his daughter wanted to marry him, that was good enough for her father.

The wedding was lovely and for a marriage between rich and poor, it was a marriage to remember.  The guest list was long and represented all the social classes of Mexico.  The rich and famous met the poor and the underprivileged.  And in the end, they all danced the night away to the sounds of the best mariachi band in Playa del Carmen!  It seems that in the end, people are just people, irrespective of their socio-economic class.   The marriage of Luis and Isabel are a testament to that.

Now, 33 years later, Luis and Isabel are still madly in love.  They have succeeded where most similar cross-social class marriages in Mexico have failed.  Their marriage has taught them much about the power of love, the importance of family, and the lessons of strength and conviction.  These two lovebirds broke the trend many years ago and are a living portrait of love and marriage, Caribbean style.

Simple things matter in love and marriage.  Choosing the one you love for love tops the list.  Love well!

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts

Authors of the Best Relationship Book of 2008
INDIE Book Awards Gold Medal Winner
Winner of the 2009 Mom’s Choice Awards Gold Medal for Relationships and Marriage
Available at GoldenAnniversaries.com, BarnesandNoble.com, and at Bookstores

Making Love Your New Year's Resolution

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts

Authors of the Best Relationship Book of 2008
INDIE Book Awards Gold Medal Winner
Available at GoldenAnniversaries.com, BarnesandNoble.com, and at Bookstores

This is the time of the year when so many of us make promises to ourselves and others that we hardly ever keep!  These so-called "New Year's Resolutions" sound good when we make them but, all too often, we ignore them by Valentine's Day.  

You know the familiar refrains – I will lose weight.  I will quit smoking.  I will call my Mom at least once a week! – and the list goes on.  

How about you do something different this year.  How about making a New Year's Resolution that you plan to keep.  Why not make a commitment to make love your New Year's Resolution?  More importantly, why don't you make a commitment to tell someone you deeply love that you really love them – and that you will do it several times every day in 2009!

Make this the year that you do not commit the egregious sin of saying, "Oh, I don't need to tell her (him) I love her (him).  They know I love them."  Wrong!  If you love someone you must tell them – you must tell them every day.  You must tell them how much you love them and how important they are in your life.  You cannot possibly love someone with all your heart and with all your soul, and not tell him or her every day.  It is simply not possible.  Here's why.

We have interviewed hundreds of happily married couples over the past 26+ years.  We report our findings in our new book entitled Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage - available at Amazon.com   

We have learned many things from the many lovebirds we have interviewed, but one thing is certain – one thing is pervasive in all of our interviews – people in love say so!  They tell each other every day.  They shout it to the stars each day.  To be in love – to be truly in love – is to tell the one you love that you love them every day of your life.  To do less is to diminish your love for them.

Recently, we were in France interviewing successfully married couples.  While in Lyon we spent time with the grandparents of one of Charley's exchange students, Barbara, who lives in Lyon with her husband Francois.  Her wonderful grandparents had been in love for nearly 61 years.  They reported to us that every day of their lives together they tell each other how much they love each other – how deep their love for each other is.  To watch their eyes mist up over the mere mention of their love for each other brought tears to our eyes as well.  

We have seen this reaction over and over in the collective 15,000 years of marriage we have interviewed over these past 26+ years.  It's always the same – people in love show their love for each other, but they also TELL their love for each other.  They do it every day.  To understand why they have stayed married for so long – in this case 58 years – you only have to observe their love for each other and listen to their words.  You just have to listen to their words.  They love each other and they tell each other so many times each day.  You can learn a lot from people who are truly in love.

So, friends, when you start making your New Year's Resolutions this year, start with love.  After love, all things are possible.  Make love your New Year's Resolution.  You will never regret it.

Love well.

Simple Things Matter For the Holidays

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts

Authors of the Best Relationship Book of 2008
INDIE Book Awards Gold Medal Winner
Available at GoldenAnniversaries.com, BarnesandNoble.com, and at Bookstores

Truth is, we miss our parents and our grandparents.  True to the natural course of life, they are all gone now.  They were parents in life and, in many ways, parents in death.  They all lived long lives.  They all lived full and productive lives.  And they all loved the Holiday Season because of the simple things.

The Holiday Season is truly a season for all.  Nearly all faiths, religions, and ways of life find something to celebrate during this important season.  Whatever your faith, whatever your beliefs, always remember this – simple things matter during the Holidays.

The most important part of the Holiday Season has to do with the family traditions we have started along the way and that continue from generation to generation.  Many of those traditions have to do with the food we prepare for those special Holiday meals.  To this day, we make Grandma Uthe's time-honored German potato salad every Christmas.  

Our daughter enjoys making baked vegetable kugel with her children every Hanukkah.  She started her new family tradition several years ago.

Years ago, Liz started a tradition all her own – making the best turkey stuffing in the entire universe, and beyond!  Our whole family can't wait to scarf down generous portions of her delectable dressing.  The turkey comes second!

Charley's grandma on his mother's side always put lemon drops wrapped in cellophane on the Christmas tree for the grandchildren.  Aunt Vi placed cellophane wrapped chocolate drops on the tree as her annual tradition.

The family Holiday tradition in Liz's family was stringing fresh popped popcorn.  But the truth is they ate most of the popcorn before it got on the sting!  Most popcorn stringing events ended with full tummies, a mess on the kitchen floor, and lots and lots and lots of laughter.  Liz still tears up when she teaches the art of popcorn stinging to our two grandchildren.

When Charley was eight years old, his Dad put toy train tracks around the Christmas tree.  It left indelible memories in his brain about his Dad and about the tradition he started.  Now, when the grandchildren come to town during the Holiday Season, Charley puts up two trains!

And every Christmas when we decorate the Christmas tree we bake chocolate chip cookies!  In fact, we just finished that tradition a few minutes ago!

Memories are made of this, that's for sure.  Every family has its own Holiday tradition and if your family is lucky they will carry them on year after year after year.

While we recognize that traditions vary from family to family, always remember this – carry them on.  Have your own children learn them.  Passing them from generation to generation reminds you every special holiday of those you have loved along the way, of those who were kind to you and expressed their love to you through their simple deeds.  Traditions as a rule don't usually cost much money, but they last a lifetime.

Over the years, we have written much about the "simple things."  And we have always reminded you that simple things matter in love and life.   If you do the simple things day in an day out – simple acts of kindness, simple expressions of love, simple homemade gifts and cards, simple traditions – you will enrich not only your life but also the lives of others.

Too often in life, people who love each other make these mistakes:

They send expensive flowers on an anniversary or holiday but fail to look the one they love in the eye and tell them how much they love them.

They shower the one they purport to love with expensive gifts instead giving them what they really want – your respect, your understanding, your embrace, your kiss and your time.

They think that a store bought card is a good substitute for a homemade one!

They give their children expensive toys when all they want is their love.

They send grandma and grandpa a card when all they want is for you to call them on the phone.

And the list goes on.

Over the course of our research we have become so intrigued with the notion of "simple things" that we just finished our new book entitled Simple Things Matter in Love and Marriage.  In fact, we see our new book in many ways as an extension of our first book entitled Golden Anniversaries:  The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage.  Look for the eBook Simple Things Matter in Love and Marriage in early 2009 and the hardback version in spring 2009.

Our final thought for today is this – No love has blossomed or been sustained without doing the simple things.  Start today.

Love well!

Sex Cannot Not Save Your Marriage

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts

Authors of the Best Relationship Book of 2008
INDIE Book Awards Gold Medal Winner
Available at GoldenAnniversaries.com, BarnesandNoble.com, and at Bookstores

Oh my goodness, what next?

We heard today that the Reverend Ed Young of the Fellowship Church in Grapevine, Texas plans to tell his congregation this coming Sunday that he wants married couples to have sex all week long.  He says that God may have rested on the seventh day, but he wants married couples to have sex every day for a week!

He goes on to say, “I won’t be dressed in pajamas” while delivering his sermon while sitting on a bed.  In these days of financial crisis, debates over same-sex marriage, and the like, it’s time, he says, to turn the “whining” into “whoopee.”

The question is, where do you start with debunking such a ridiculous notion.  Let us count the ways!

For starters, we all know that good sex can be fun, romantic, exciting, and something that makes most consenting adults feel warm and fuzzy all over.  Over the years we have interviewed thousands of successfully married couples and most report a reasonable degree of satisfaction with their sex life.  But here is our most important research finding concerning this issue – no marriage was ever saved or made successful because the couple had a great sex life!  

And more importantly, when we ask successfully marriage couples how important sex is to the success of their marriage – to rank on a scale of 1-10 with 10 high – the average rank was 6.   This finding has held true over the 26 years of our research.  That's hardly a resounding endorsement for the importance of sex in a marriage.

You see, marriage is a multi-faceted relationship, and in the best marriages no one aspect stands out as the make or break part of it.  The truth is, and as we report in our new book Golden Anniversaries:  The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage (©2008), there are seven pervasive characteristics present in all successful marriages.  And guess what, sex is not one of them!  Sex is only a part of one of the seven characteristics and that is reported in "The Loving Touch" chapter of our book.  

As we say so often in our many interviews and writings, all of the married couples representing the best marriages we have interviewed have shared with us the importance of touching in their relationship.  One gentleman we interviewed told us that if he passed his wife in the house a hundred times a day, he touched her.  To touch someone you love is to acknowledge their presence and to communicate your love for them.  That's why the most successfully married couples amongst us do it so often.

In our humble opinion, Reverend Young's charge to his congregation to have sex seven days next week not only cheapens the importance of healthy and positive sex with someone you love, but it also reinforces the silliness that great sex will save your marriage – that sex is the centerpiece of all good marriages.  

As you know from our many writings, we believe that the overemphasis on sex in books about love and marriage cause people to believe that if they don't have stupendous sex everyday there is something wrong with their marriage.  Trust us on this – marriages that fail do so for a variety of reasons and not for a single reason.

We are sure the good Reverend is well intentioned with his challenge to his congregation, but we believe his advice is misguided as it once again overemphasizes the importance of sex in marriage.  To single out sex is to blow its importance entirely out of proportion to its relevance to a great marriage.  We wish people would stop doing that!

In our chapter about "The Loving Touch," we report many first hand accounts from successfully married couples who report how important the human touch is to a loving marriage.  They hug each other often, the kiss, they touch each other while talking, they sit cheek to cheek on the couch while having a conversation, they curl around each other when they sleep or just gaze at the stars, and yes, they have sex from time to time – when it's right for them and not forced by some arbitrary "have sex everyday rule!"

You see, people touch each other in many, many different ways and no single form of touching wins the day.  It's what we like to call "the accumulation of touching" that matters.  Touch the one you love often and in whatever way your heart desires.  It's that human connection that wins the day – and wins the marriage!  The simple truth is, the best marriages engage in a lot of touching, sex is only one of them.

Touch well!  Love well!

Can You Trust Him?

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts
Authors of the Best Relationship Book of 2008
Available at GoldenAnniversaries.com, BarnesandNoble.com, and at Bookstores

Here is an undeniable truth about life – actions speak louder than words!  We know, you've heard this all before! But the truth is, you can, and must, judge a man by his actions and not by his words!

Words are cheap.  Actions mean everything!  The truth is always there for all to see when you observe the way people act and respond, rarely by what they say.  This truth is self-evident – good men practice what they preach.  Here's why.

In answer to the question, "How will I know I can trust him?," you must always remember this – you can tell a lot about a man by his actions.  How does he respond to you?  How does he treat you?  How does he treat your friends, your family, your children, his dog, and all of the others you love?  How does he treat the janitor?  The person who cuts your grass?  The checker at the supermarket?

Real men say what they mean and act the same way.  Real men, good men, decent men, will always demonstrate who they are by their consistent actions.  To know the real truth about a man – pay close and careful attention to him over a period of several weeks and then ask yourself this question – is he really what he appears to be?  Consistent actions on his part will tell you what you need to know, for good or for bad.

Lately, we have been working with a couple that has been married for nearly 20 years and they are calling it quits.  Why just today, she told us that it was time to get out of the relationship – time to "fish or cut bate."  For nearly 20 years, her husband had mentally abused her and the children, while all the time boasting about how much he loved them.  Actions speak louder than words!

But the truth is, you can't really love your children when you constantly berate them.  You can't truly love anyone that you put down, yell at, or constantly point out their failings and their frailties.

When you love someone, you learn to live with their failings, their mistakes, and their transgressions.  In the end, you love them for what they are – for what they are in their heart and in their soul.

We all make mistakes.  We all do dumb things from time to time.  And the truth is, we more often than not, recover from the shortcomings we have.  Honest, one-time mistakes are forgivable.  On the other hand, repeated actions reveal who a person really is – for good or for bad.

A psychologist friend of ours reminds us from time to time about the "pervasive characteristics" present in human beings.  These are "recurring patterns of thought and behavior" that defines a person – that tells us who they are.  And recurring patterns of thought and behavior for the most part do not change when a person is an adult.  In reality, these pervasive characteristics define who you are.  Oh, sure, some people can cover up their real personality characteristics from time to time, but if you observe them long enough you will learn who they really are.

When someone you are observing over time repeatedly and consistently demonstrates through their actions and deeds the pervasive characteristics present in them you must pay attention!  If a man is truly a good person you can trust you will see it in their actions.  Don't be fooled by words that are contrary to their actions.

All too often in life, people fall in love blindly.  They refuse to make note of how of the actions of another person define them.  They pay too much attention to words and way too little to actions.

When you fall in love make it for all the right reasons.  Don't ignore the signs.  Don't ignore the glitches.  Pay attention and your reward will, more often than not, be true love with a man you can trust.  Ignore his actions and you do so at your own peril.

Love well!