One of the key ingredients of a successful marriage is a feeling of togetherness – we are in this together and are stronger because of our relationship.  While the importance of togetherness is easy to understand, for many couples it is difficult to put into practice in their relationship.

Happily married couples become one without losing the individual identities of each other. Their relationship is NOT focused on you and me, but rather it is all about WE !  

Here are the three most important actions you can take to build togetherness  as reported from our thousands of interviews with happily married couples:

1. Be the number one cheerleader for your spouse .  Support your spouse in every way that you can.  Let your partner know just how important they are to you and to the rest of the world.  Perhaps the best help that you can give your spouse is to give them the confidence they need to become all that they can be in everything that they endeavor to do.  Be your spouse's strongest supporter.  Become their cheerleader.  Remember that when your spouse reaches the top of the mountain, you will be standing there with them.  

2. Learn how to use comprise as part of daily living in your marriage.   No one can have it all his or her way. We share the bed, the toothpaste, the car, the house, and the bills.   While this sounds so simple, it can cause some unusual challenges as the two individuals in a marriage have to discuss and work out mutually agreeable arrangements for such minor issues as who uses the shower first and who takes out the trash, as well as major issues such as where to live, if children will be a part of the family, and what car to purchase.  Discuss how the two of you will make decisions.  When you share a marriage, you must learn the art of compromise—giving a little to gain a lot.

3. Carry the burdens of your marriage on four shoulders, not just two .  Helpfulness should become such a matter of habit that you feel and act like a winning team.  Both of you individually are good, but the two of you working together can be a dynamite team.  The old saying that two heads are better than one is very true in a marriage.  Ideas that the two of you generate can be better than most ideas generated alone.  As you begin working together you will learn to sense when your spouse needs help, even when they do not ask for it.  You will have a "sixth sense" that tells you when your spouse is in need.  Sharing life's burdens on four shoulders is certainly easier than on just two.

Successfully married couples report the importance they feel of always being able to count on their spouse for moral support when they are down in the dumps.  This comes from the togetherness they have established in their everyday interactions with each other.

Simple things do matter!  

By Dr. Charles D. and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

**For marriage advice and hundreds of practical tips, read the best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts (Jossey-Bass/Wiley). Available wherever books are sold. Learn more about America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts and take the Marriage Quiz  .

In our many travels around the world conducting our marriage research, we often ask this question – "Does Marriage Improve With Age?"  The answer is, YES!  Here's why.

Successful marriages and relationships, like fine wine, do get better with age.  Here are a few of the most significant reasons from our research findings are:  

Reason 1  Imagine spending 30 or more years with someone!  You know everything about them - their strengths, their weaknesses, their hot buttons, their likes and dislikes, and their darkest secrets.  You are each other's best friends and support each other in everything you do.  Our research around the world supports this simple notion – familiarity does NOT breed contempt amongst people who deeply love each other.   Familiarity and intimacy with someone you love is one of the greatest joys on Earth according to those we have interviewed who have been married for 30-77 years.

Reason 2  We can report that long-term, happy, and successfully married couples would rather spend time with their spouse than anyone else.  There should be nothing mysterious about this finding.  The longer you are married, the more you get comfortable being with the one you love. Spending time WITH their spouse is much more rewarding than spending their time alone.

Reason 3  There are a lot of people out there in the real world, across continents and cultures, who have been married for more than three decades of life, and whose rituals include garnering their daily sustenance in the presence of the same person.  When you choose to break daily bread with someone for most of a lifetime, there is one undeniable fact – you love that person so much that you find sharing a meal with them is a necessary and highly important part of your day.

Reason 4  There is one undeniable truth of life – spending your life with someone you love makes you much more happy than spending your life alone.  Spending time with the one you love makes the heart grow fonder.  Loving someone completely and intimately over the adult life span is one of the greatest gifts of life.  Long time successfully married couples around the world report that they cannot imagine life without their spouse.  

Reason 5  And finally, and perhaps most importantly, the longer successfully married couples are married, the more likely they are to get toxic people out of their lives.  Many of the couples we have interviewed tell us this – life is too short to have it poisoned by people who don't really care for you, who don't share your likes and dislikes, and who make you unhappy.  Life is, indeed, too short.  

You see, there really are important life lessons to be learned as you travel through time with someone you love.  Those lessons will sustain your love, they will nourish your love, and they will ensure a love that will last a lifetime.  Those who have been successfully married for much of their lifetime talk openly about the importance of these lessons.  

By Dr. Charles D. and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

**For marriage advice and hundreds of practical tips, read the best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts (Jossey-Bass/Wiley). Available wherever books are sold. Learn more about America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts and take the Marriage Quiz  .

We have all seen it, the grandest of holiday plans come crashing down with the reality of the situation.  You work your tail off cooking a delicious dinner only to be left with a pile of dirty dishes while everyone else retires to the den to watch football.  If anyone said thank you, it was certainly done quietly under their breath.

Stress, stress, stress!!!   Holidays are among the most stressful times in a relationship - make no mistake about it.

Here are a few tips to help you and your spouse lower your stress level and have the best holiday season ever:

1. Appreciate the traditions within your family and your spouse's family.   Blend them together in a way that both you and your spouse will cherish and make new memories together.  Don't feel compelled to follow the exact same traditions of one family over the other without a full discussion of what you both want to create your own "traditions" together.

2. Money is not the solution to a great holiday season – especially in these tough economic times.   Rather, it is the simple things that matter – simple acts of kindness, homemade gifts and cards, simple expressions of love.

3. Talk about what you are going to do for the season - what are you and your spouse's highest priorities?  Have this conversation as soon as possible so you both can feel good about your plans.  Then, let all the other holiday "stuff" go by the wayside.  

4. Take a moment in the midst of the chaos and pressure of the holidays to focus on what really matters.   Give your spouse your respect, your understanding, your embrace, your kiss and your time.  Don't let the relatives and friends put a wedge between you and the one you love because of the stress and circumstances surrounding the holidays.  

5. When holiday problems arise – as they always do – an open discussion with your spouse needs to happen as soon as possible.   Discussions about serious matters must always begin with agreement about what the issues really are.  Work to identify the issue, establish the parameters of the discussion, with agreement to solve the problem together.

6. As the stress rises, so does the opportunity for argument and disagreement.   When the holiday tension is so thick that you could cut it with a knife, it is easy to let nasty statements and sharp words roll off your tongue, making judgmental statements about your spouse, their actions, and their relatives.  Think twice before exploding with vitriolic words that cannot be taken back.

7. The holiday doesn't have to be perfect! It is more important to build memories together for the holidays.  Invite the family and friends to share in the dinner preparation and holiday decorating.  The relationships built are more important than holiday perfection.

Our final thought for the holidays is this – no love has blossomed or been sustained without doing the simple things.    

Simple things do matter!
By Dr. Charles D. and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

**For marriage advice and hundreds of practical tips, read the best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts (Jossey-Bass/Wiley). Available wherever books are sold. Learn more about America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts and take the Marriage Quiz  .

Last week I watched my husband of 44 years be totally humiliated and abused by the new TSA screening process.  At 65 years old, 6'2" tall and 265 pounds you would have thought that nothing could phase him.  Think again - If the new TSA "pat down" procedures can rattle a man like my husband, what will these "pat downs" do to women like us?  (by Liz)

Here is Charley’s story, as told by him:

My wife and I had a wonderful trip to the Los Angeles area last week.  We enjoyed the sun and fun – even rented a convertible.   The ocean off Malibu Beach and Santa Monica was grand and glorious – resplendent in sunshine.  

We got married on Santa Monica Boulevard 44 years ago and it was fun for this Missouri boy and his California bride to return to the place that started us on our amazing journey of love and marriage more than four decades ago.

We ate great seafood and fresh vegetables during our trip, interviewed terrific couples for our next book about successful marriage, videotaped an upcoming television show about our newest book, and, all and all, had a grand California time.  It was a wonderful trip, but the journey home was a nightmare.

Here's what happened.  When we got to LAX our trip definitely turned south.

Here I am, a 65-year-old man with gray hair, wearing a pair of Chino pants and a blue blazer.  My wife of 44 years was traveling with me.  I am not a very dangerous looking guy and my track record in the legal system is squeaky clean.  OK, I got a speeding ticket back in the 90's!  But the truth is, I have a great record as a human being overall.  My 42 years as an educator qualifies me I think as one of the good guys.

Frankly, when I saw the "full body scanner" in front of me as we were beginning the  screening process at LAX, I was kind of looking forward to trying out this new technology.  My optimism didn't last very long.

I went through the body scanner only to be pulled aside and told that the scanner had detected something "in my right groin area."  I said to the TSA agent something like, "Huh?"  I had no shoes, no belt, no jewelry, no nothing except my socks, my Chino's, my underwear, and my shirt.  And trust me on this, I am not a terrorist – I have never committed a crime and I only have that speeding ticket I mentioned earlier.

What was about to happen to me was something I never expected.  And I must say, it was traumatizing, uncomfortable, embarrassing, and downright humiliating.

I was pulled into a room after waiting for several minutes in the "holding area."  Two TSA agents took me into this side room.  The one agent told me he was going to search me.  He committed to using only the "back of his hands" during this invasive search.  

What happened during the next several minutes clearly and without question violated my civil liberties.  What happened to me violated my rights as a citizen of this country, the United States of America.

During the invasive process I was going through, the TSA agent touched my genitals, patted down my legs and groin area, and embarrassed me by rubbing my inner legs and buttocks.

I will ask this simple question of those of you who are reading this – how does a 65 year old man, with gray hair, his bride of 44 years by his side, and one who has a very clean record of service to education for 42 years, get treated like a common criminal – or worst yet, a terrorist – when all I was doing was getting on an American airplane as a frequent flyer with a Gold Card?  What has happened to my country?

When I was an undergraduate at the University of Missouri in the 1960's, my English teacher required me to read "1984" by George Orwell.  I dutifully read the book.  And the truth is, I thought it was funny.  I never imagined that America would come to the vision of George Orwell.  Well, think again.

I am very worried about my country.  I never imagined that I would be humiliated by my own government.  And all in the name of security for Americans.  Our government has, in my humble estimation, crossed over the line.  

Where is the ACLU?  Where are those Americans that profess to protect our civil liberties?   My experience in LA was a watershed moment in my life.  I have always loved my country and believed in all the liberties outlined in our Constitution.   But my government has let me down.

When our government gropes, fondles, and touches our human body in ways that our constitution never imagined, it is time to question what has gone wrong.

Where have our civil liberties gone?  

By Dr. Charles D. and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

**For marriage advice and hundreds of practical tips, read the best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts (Jossey-Bass/Wiley). Available wherever books are sold. Learn more about America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts and take the Marriage Quiz  .

Okay, the children have all left home.  You and your spouse are finally alone after two decades of marriage.  Now what?  What lies in store for the two of you?

These are questions faced by millions of married couples worldwide every year.  When the children move on – and your nest is empty, the impact on your marriage can be substantial.  The relationship between you and your spouse can change, and often does.  Some call into question the very nature of their relationship.

Here are five strategies from our 30 years of research with thousands of successfully married couples around the world:

1. Empty nesters need to take stock of their relationship now that the children are gone.   They need to set goals for their relationship, plot a direction they want their marriage to go now and in 5, 10, 15 years down the road.  

Why is this important?  Well, the two of you have devoted so much of your time to your children that is time to start thinking more about the life you want for yourselves.  Frankly, married couples often need to rediscover their own relationship.

2. When both husband and wife work outside the home, the great danger for empty nesters is that they plunge their heart and soul into their work as a way of compensating for the absence of children .   This will only cause stress in your relationship with your mate.  Our advice – don't make this mistake!

3. Rekindle the romance and passion of your relationship that is often put on the back burner when you are raising children .  Plan for lunch or dinner out.  Meet in some clandestine place from time to time for some good old fashion passion.  Go to Disney World – just the two of you!   Remember, rekindling passion for each other takes action and practice!  Get in the habit again of engaging in passion with each other.

4.  The health of your spouse is of paramount importance to your marriage, especially in the empty nest.  The two of you should plan some kind of daily exercise routine.  It is also important to eat healthy foods – salads and fruits in particular.  When you exercise and eat healthy, you have more energy, you will be healthier, and you will live longer!

5. The final piece of advice goes like this – the worst thing you can do to your spouse or yourself as an empty nester is to hover over each other all the time.   There is a fundamental predisposition in every human being to have time alone.  Empty nesters have more time to be together, but couples often forget that the need to be alone is just as strong and just as important after the children have left.  

Living in an empty nest is not all that bad.   Couples have been doing it for centuries!  Make the most of it.  Follow the simple rules espoused by those who have been there, done that, and been successful at it.  You won't regret it.

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

**For marriage advice and hundreds of practical tips, read the best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts (Jossey-Bass/Wiley). Available wherever books are sold. Learn more about America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts and take the Marriage Quiz  .

Just as important as saying the right thing to the one you love is to avoid saying statements that have the potential to destroy the foundation of the relationship. Saying just one wrong thing can negate an entire day of good statements and actions. Negative and hurtful statements can have the power to cut through the very fabric of the bond between two people in love.

Here are those five things you should NEVER say to your spouse:  

1. It's your fault!  Sometimes, a financial decision goes bad, one of your children gets in trouble at school, or some household calamity occurs. And know this – things do go bad from time to time in any relationship. Decisions turn out wrong. Stuff happens! But the blame game never works! It alienates. It divides. It most certainly undermines trust and openness in your relationship.

2. I told you so! Trust us on this – these four words are rarely ever used in successful marriages. This kind of "comeuppance" has no place in a loving relationship. There is no need to remind your spouse that you were right about something and they were wrong. Talk about wasted criticism!

3. Saying "I am upset with you about this or that . . . ." in a public setting . Telling private secrets or criticizing your spouse in public or to someone else can do permanent damage to the trust in your relationship. True or not – it doesn't matter. Keep private things private.

4. Why do you always . . .  Focusing on your spouse's weakness rather than building on their strengths will only increase their weakness and diminish their strength. This habit can send a relationship into a downward spiral if weaknesses are pointed out and commented upon. Success does breed success. Stick with the strengths and don't focus on weakness.

5. Ask for your spouse's opinion and then do the opposite.  We have heard from many angry divorced or almost divorced couples that this is the greatest indicator of "disrespect." If you ask where your spouse wants to go to dinner and he/she suggests a couple of places, then you select a different one, by your actions you said, "I do not respect your opinion and don't care what you think!"

Since saying negative or hurtful things can be damaging to a loving relationship, it is wise to take extra caution before engaging your mouth when these negative thoughts come into your mind.

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

**For marriage advice and hundreds of practical tips, read the best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts (Jossey-Bass/Wiley). Available wherever books are sold. Learn more about America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts and take the Marriage Quiz  .