I originally wrote this on myspace, but thought it needed to be shared here as well....  

1979.
18 years old.
The Army.
Germany, sent out to the field for the first time.
The only woman and 1500 men.
I was the Medic, they were Engineers.
Alone, in the dark being watched, only I didn’t know
Vilseck, Germany after two weeks without a shower, we were allowed to go to Tent city for 2 days.
Much Celebrating. Much Drinking. After showers the partying started.
I was invited.
A cute boy
Fun
free drinks
more drinks
Something wrong....
Room spinning
Dizzy
can’t walk
being carried
pass out
wake up
can’t move
tied up
can’t talk
gag in mouth
voices
someone on me
wet between the legs
laughter
another body on me
tears
another body
all night
over and over again
how many?
Don’t know
too many
over and over again
thrusting
sweaty
pawing
pain
tearing
more laughter
in and out of conscience
how many?
could be twenty
could be a hundred
all ranks
all sizes
all ages
all penises
all thrusting
all sweating
lots of pain
smell of greasy tent
smell of booze
smell of tobacco
smell of man sweat
smell of semen
smell of sex
all thrusting
all groping
all squeezing
all pawing
only one, who when he saw my tears, stopped in his tracks
But he walked out, and another came in to take his place
over and over again
no help
none in sight
all night long
in and out of reality
in and out of dreams
more body’s
more men
more thrusting
how many hours?
finally the sweet release of awareness
awakening
naked
in the showers
bruises and blood everywhere
Pain
oh my God the pain
all consuming pain
my clothing in a pile
scrub
scrub
scrub
scrub
scrub
scrub
scrub
scrub
water is cold
scrub some more
scrub
scrub
scrub
scrub
scrub
scrub
scrub
scrub
put on uniform
met at door, by commanding Officer
stern words about MY behavior
told if I talked, it would be MY fault
Threatened with prison for “enticing”
handed orders to be transfered
Told to pack my bags
Transportation waiting
Warned again
If you talk, you die
or worse
watching blindly as the trees roll by
curling up inside of me
hiding the pain
hoping the pain will fade
as the bruises do
can’t walk, can’t sit, can’t take a shit
blaming myself
Others have
so why not me?
Guilt
it weighs on a mind
remembering what was said
silence it is my friend
denial
lock the pain away
never talk they said
never talk I did
The pain it became my friend
To this day, it never ends.

_{This is the first time I have EVER written or spoken about that night. The ONLY reason I have after thirty years is, because it is STILL going on! What happened to me, happens to thousands of women in the military every year!}  

1 in 3 women in the military have been raped.
Let me repeat that so it sinks in....  

1 in 3 women in the Military have been raped.  

I have learned through the years one must NEVER be silent when it comes to Rape and Abuse! otherwise it can (and does) happen again, and again.....  

Even though my rape took place over 25 years ago, because I only recently started to talk about it, I have been suffering from PTSD. By writing about it it has awoken emotions that I had managed to keep shoved down and under lock and key. I am very raw emotionally recently. I recognize that this is the first step to healing fully. Since I never opened up before, it has had time to fester and rot in my soul and I am lancing the boil of long over due emotions. They have been pouring out (and my poor family is having to deal with the brunt of it, even though they are innocent of any wrong doing.) Fortunately I have a wonderful husband who loves me and is understanding enough to help me cope.  

I am trying to deal with how it affected my life and the choices I made in partners because of the Rape and because I never talked about it. I have been in one abusive relationship after another (at least up to the last 11 years, that I have been happily married to my very caring and understanding husband).  

I have battled low self esteem and never connected that and the abusive relationships together with the rape. I never felt I deserved happiness or deserved to be treated like a human being.  

I am in a place now, where I am finally understanding that I DO deserve happiness, that I do Deserve a good relationship and that I am a women of worth!
But the healing process has made me have to relive everything and it is tearing me up....

I had an appointment today at the podiatry office. I had been being treated for a planters wart on the bottom of my foot for several months by my usual Dr. Since it was not responding to treatment (in fact it was getting larger, instead of smaller) she decided to send me to someone more familiar with feet problems, then she is. In fact today was supposed to be “cut out the wart day instead of doing the usual freeze it thing“.
After some scraping and extensive poking and looking at the bottom of my foot for an hour...he said “I think we need to do a biopsy, as I think this might be cancer”
Crap!!!!!!!!! Not again!!!!!!!!!!!!! This would make 4 TIMES of unrelated cancers!!!!
He wanted to do it today, but I said no...
1. my Spousal Unit is on crutches after slipping on ice a couple of days ago and rupturing a tendon in the back of his calf.
2. It s the holidays and I have too much to do (cookies to make, more chocolates to be done, presents to be wrapped, grandbabies to be loved)
3. I do not want both Hubby and I both on crutches during the Holidays with kids home from school!
So......
Come Jan 5th, the Dr is going to do a “hole punch biopsy” in the arch of my foot, so they can rule out cancer. Unfortunately, the Dr said that procedure will get me off my feet for almost 2 months!
Please, say a little prayer as I do not want to have to go through cancer and the various treatments again....

There are too many negative people in the world. A person can CHOOSE to be happy or upset at life, it is nothing more than mindset.
The richest person in the world can be unhappy with life, yet the poorest person can be the happiest. Why, because it is all how you choose to see what life is handing you.

The happiest people surround themselves with family and friends, don’t care about keeping up with the Joneses next door, lose themselves in daily activities and, most important, forgive easily. The happiest people spend the least time alone. They pursue personal growth and intimacy; they judge themselves by their own yardsticks, never against what others do or have.

You do not have to look very far to learn how to be happy. In fact, there are no expensive workshops or courses to take, or books that you need to read. You do not even need to sit in meditation to gain great insights. Well, if you are seeking for happiness, then notice who around you seems to be happy all day? That's right ? kids!

Laughter is a natural thing with kids. If you spend some time playing with them, it is easy to get infected with their happy smiles. While there are moments that kids get upset, you find that you can learn a thing or two from them about forgetting their anger just as quickly. It is also possible that you start to remember a time when you used to be a kid and how life seemed so easy and without worries.

If anything, here are 7 ways that you can learn from kids on how to happy:

Living in the present
Kids have a wonderful way of living one moment at a time. Their feelings are often based on events as they happen. They are mostly joyful. At times, they may feel negative and this usually happens in a fight over toys or games. However, as soon as they get distracted with something new, they no longer hold on to their negative emotions. Instead, they are happy once again.

As adults, we tend to remain angry or upset even way after the event. We are experts in accumulating anger in an internal storehouse. Our minds get stuck a lot in the past. We do not live in the present moment as it is now. It is hard to be happy when we have no present moment awareness.

Single Focus While Doing Things
When a child is playing a tag, he is playing tag. He is not playing tag and thinking about the picture he will draw later and the block castle he will build tomorrow morning. He is single focused.

As adults, we get stressed because we pile on many things into a single moment. We overwhelm ourselves with our "to do" list. Unfortunately, in trying to multi-task, our mind gets detracted from being present in each task. We end up rushing through time. There is no space for slowing down, let alone breathe. At the very worst, with so many things to do, we end up not accomplishing much.

So, if you find it hard to cope, slow down a little. Be single focused in the things that needs to be done first. After you finish, then move on to the next down your list. You find life more of a breeze, when you can reduce the number of things you need to do at any one point in time.

Use of Imagination
Kids are always using their imagination, whether they are playing a game or drawing a picture. They love pretend play and are intrigued by stories about magic, dreams and what seems humanly impossible. If you think about it, imagination is the seed of the feeling of joy. When you indulge in your dreams, endorphins are released, giving you a nice warm sensation.

It is funny that how as adults we have forgotten about using our imagination. School has trained us to be more left-brained and analytical. We also become more rigid in the way we do things and our expectations. Then, when events do not happen according to plan, we become very unhappy. We are less open to new possibilities, because we have lost our sense of imagination.

The future is limitless
To many kids, everything in life is possible. The sky is the limit and they have their whole lives ahead of them. There is no reason for them to feel as if time is working against them.

Well, you can adopt the very same attitude and not be held hostage by time considerations. It is never too late. If there is something you have been waiting to do with your life, then go for it. The last you want would be a life of regret. Joy escapes you when you allow life to become stale.

Always Joyful
Children are always happy because they find joy in little things. They get excited when they see a butterfly, jump over a puddle or get to go to McDonalds. They do not over analyze situations and do not assume the worst in people or situations. They keep things simple.

To remind yourself about being joyful, keep a gratitude journal. List down the many blessings that you currently enjoy in your life. Additionally, on a regular basis, do something small that makes you happy like reading one chapter of a book you like or taking a walk in the park.

Inherent Goodness and Trust in Others
Children have an inherent goodness about them. They do not intend to hurt anyone and they do not naturally think that anyone would want to hurt them. With no such ill intent or worries, it is easy to be just happy all day!

Imagine what the world would be like if everyone could play and work nicely together. Adults should learn from kids to put aside their differences and care for each other. Love creates happiness.

Absolute Faith In Getting Their Wishes Fulfilled
It is amazing how kids can have so much faith that their wishes will be granted. Ever get badgered by your kids until you “cave” in to give them what they want? Believe me; it is not easy to stay firm when you are up against their cheeky smiles.

Nobody is happy all the time, but some people are definitely more fulfilled than others, and it doesn’t seem to have much to do with material goods or high achievement—-things many people spend a lot of their time worrying about. So what do they have that you don’t?

PS. Read my Profile, to see why I am happy :)

Hi. I quit smoking last week. My last cigarette was on Tuesday April 29th, 2008 at approximately 11:30pm. I am using the Chantix system. I’m going with the 10 week program. I don’t know if anyone else out there is quitting, has quit or is thinking about quitting, I have tried a million times before, but I feel like I really have a shot at it this time with the new Chantix Medication and support system.

I know smoking is bad for you, I know I’m being a bad influence on my kids (Teenagers), I know all the millions of reasons to quit, but had continued to smoke. What finally pushed me over the edge was I almost was admitted to the Hospital with bad breathing problems. I was coughing up blood (In addition to the horrible chest cold, sinus infection I already had for the previous week.) My Dr flat out said “If you do not quit smoking, you will DIE!” Needless to say, not only did that scare me, but terrified my Husband. I told him, there was no way I could quit and stay quit if he did not quit too. He agreed with me and that day we started the Chantix system and quit smoking. For the rest of that week I carried a half full pack around with me and even went outside at my usual smoke times at home, more out of habit than anything else. This weekend I spilled the beans to the rest of my Family.  

I gave them my prepared speech  when I tell them I’ve quit. My speech is basically saying that I am quitting for me and only because I want to. If I do decide to have a cigarette I want no arguments or dirty looks. I am not quitting for you, my husband, my baby, etc. I am quitting for myself. It is purely my decision and if I so decide to smoke again then so be it. I want no pressure. My Dad’s response was to tell me the rules of my smoking. He tried to interrupt my speech 3 times and I told him to just listen. Then right when I’m done he goes into the rules. It really upset me because the whole point of my speech is to not tell me what to do. That I am an adult and I make my own decisions. It really upset me that his first response is to try and take some of my power away from me. I did not get a I’m so glad you quit. I’m so proud of you, or anything, just straight into the rules. Rules which we had discussed a long time ago and I had been following for years (no smoking in the house, in the car with the kids, etc). That was the hardest point for me to not smoke. Whenever someone tells me I can’t do something, then all I think about is doing it. I can’t help it, it’s how I’m hard wired. I felt like he was taking away something great that I’ve done and taking a piece of it from me. Anyway, he cried and apologized to me. We had a long talk about why he feels the need to try and control me and my actions. all better now.

A few issues. I’ve been eating a lot of candy. Well, sucking on a lot of candy. My teeth have been hurting a bit. I’m working cutting down on that now and have switched to raw fruits and vegetables.  

A side note. I’m amazed at how much people don’t really pay attention to you. I thought for sure everyone would notice I’m not smoking. I went out with my sister (one of my BFF’s) on Thursday. We were together for 4 hours. She didn’t notice. I thought for sure people would notice because every time I light up I hear a comment like, Another cigarette? etc. But nope. I thought for sure my kids would notice that I didn’t smell like or taste like a cigarette, but nope. They said that I could have probably not told them for a month and they wouldn’t have noticed (typical teens).

With Earth Day approaching, people should start thinking about ways they can help the environment. Recycling is one of those ways. Just by recycling you are saving fossil fuel, water, trees, landfill space and money. Recycling will reduce the amount of waste you send to landfills and benefits the environment in many ways. For example, with every ton of paper you recycle you save 17 trees, 79 gallons of oil, 7,000 gallons of water, 60 gallons of air pollution, 41,000 kilowatts of energy and 3 cubic yards of landfill space. It also costs at least three times more to dump trash in landfills than it costs to reuse and recycle. If you don’t know what you can and can’t recycle you can go to this Web site: www.recyclenow.com.  

If you would like to Freecycle go to [Link Removed] It’s a grassroots and entirely nonprofit movement of people who are giving (& getting) stuff for free in their own towns. It’s all about reuse and keeping good stuff out of landfills. Each local group is moderated by a local volunteer (them’s good people). Membership is free. You would be amazed to find out some of the stuff that you can Freecycle. Things that you may not have even thought about, stuff like bicycles, computers, keys and musical instruments can be Freecycled. Before you throw something away, stop and think about whether or not you can recycle it or Freecyle it!

Greensthings, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.

“Healing presence is the condition of being consciously and compassionately in the present moment with another, believing in and affirming their potential for wholeness, wherever they are in life.”  

 —James Miller, The Art of Being a Healing Presence  

Upon hearing the news that a friend or family member has been diagnosed with a serious illness, it can be difficult to come up with the right words to say. Research encourages us to remember that people in a crisis do better emotionally if they have strong and appropriate support. CancerCare (www.cancercare.org) offers some tips on how to reach out in a meaningful way:  

? Listen. Often, we are tempted to say “you will be OK” when fear or sadness are expressed. However, your ability to listen without judgment or “cheerleading” can be one of the most meaningful contributions you can offer.  

? Stay connected. Checking in regularly over the long haul is important. Cards work well, even on days when fatigue may make long conversations or visits difficult.  

? Share advice when you are asked but support their treatment decisions: Offering to research information on the diagnosis may be helpful. Avoid saying, “You should try... .”  

? Keep the caregiver in mind: Often, the main family caregivers put their own physical and emotional well being on hold.  

? When offering to help be specific: Rather than saying, “Call me if I can do anything,” try “I’ll bring dinner over on Tuesday,” or “I’ll walk your dog on weekday mornings.”  

? Honor their need to keep things “normal.” Be sensitive to the fact that for the person experiencing a serious illness, occasionally doing their routine “pre-illness” tasks can lessen their sense that their life is being consumed by the diagnosis.  

? Stay attentive to their needs once treatment is over: Many people completing treatment for cancer report that, “It’s not over when it’s over.” Your listening ear may be especially appreciated during this is the time when the enormity of what they have been through suddenly hits home.  

? Learn about the diagnosis: Seek out information from reputable professionals and organizations. For example, many people experiencing cancer have found CancerCare’s free Telephone Education Workshops to be a way for people to learn about cancer-related issues from the convenience of their home.