Now that Michelle Obama’s mother is living in the White House, will the cruel jokes and snide remarks about mothers-in-law finally stop? Will Marian Robinson, as first mother-in-law, be able to pave the way for acceptance, even respect, for this much-maligned branch of the family tree? Only time, and the nightly comedians, will tell.

If you have a new son-in-law yourself, you can use Mrs. Robinson and other successful in-laws as your guides. Let them teach you how to adjust to your new role. It’s not easy. Once you’ve made the final payment for your daughter's dream wedding, you may find yourself relegated to the back burner.  

Instead of you, your daughter’s new husband is now the one who shares her confidences. After spending the past couple of decades as an active and involved mom, do you now feel like a Lame Duck? Even more important, how can you learn to relate to the guy who is now the center of your daughter's universe? Here are a few tips to get you started with your own son-in-law:

1.*Move slowly into the role of mother-in-law* , remembering that your daughter's spouse arrives with his own issues, unique temperament and family rituals. Learn more about him and his family rather than expecting him to blend into yours. Remember that family loyalty goes both ways.

2.*Imagine the situation from your son-in-law's perspective.*  Recognize that he wants to build and strengthen his new family unit. Doris is trying to let go of her need to continue such a tight relationship with her daughter. "I know she is bonding with her husband, so I don't snoop or ask too many questions. As an only child I don't like to go halves with anything, so it's hard for me to share my precious daughter. But I know that her husband has to be the focus for her now."

3.*Respect your daughter's choice*  and learn to love her life partner. By focusing on how happy your daughter is and on your son-in-law's positive qualities, you'll be building on the mutual good feelings. This can serve as an emotional savings account you can draw on later when other situations lead to tension between you.

4.*Hold back on your opinions, advice and constructive criticism,*  at least until there is more trust in the relationship. This can be a challenge, as Nancy found: "I'm very careful about what I say, so I don't think my son-in-law knows that I’m holding back. We get along fine on the surface but I hope that some day we can deal with deeper issues."

5.*Avoid hot button issues like finances, religious observances, and work/home responsibilities.*  By taking sides, you make it harder for the newlyweds to sort out these issues for themselves. When you have expectations that are not shared by them, recognize that now it's their turn to make this type of decision.

6.*Be available to help when asked but don’t intrude* . As the new couple settles into their routine and lifestyle, they may ask for your help or support. Pitch in and be responsive to their needs when you can, but don’t overstep the boundaries.  

7.*Find support from your spouse and friends.*  When you're frustrated, share with others who will understand what you're going through and use them as a sounding board. When all else fails, laugh together as inductees in the sisterhood of mothers-in-law.  

These tips can help you build the kind of relationship with your son-in-law that Marian Robinson has with President Obama. He and Michelle respect her and trust her to help with their children. Embrace your new role of mother-in-law. You, too, have the power to make this an enriching chapter for everyone in the family.

? 2009, www.HerMentorCenter.com

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. & Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are co-founders of http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and http://www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com, a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomer’s family relationships and publish a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their website.

Bravery and humility - often at the heart of fairy tales ? are qualities that can inspire all of us to be the best that we can be. And, with the doom and gloom of the economic crisis, we were primed and about ready for a miracle.

Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger III safely landed a US Airways flight 1549 with 155 passengers and crew onboard in the Hudson River when the plane encountered problems after takeoff. Everyone survived. A spokesman for the U.S. Airline Pilots Association says that Sullenberger acted ‘very calm and cool, very relaxed, just very professional.’ Apparently he was the last one off the plane, walking down the aisles two times to make sure no one was left on board. Now that’s a hero.

The challenges you face and crises you endure may not be quite so dramatic. But there are lessons we all can learn from the passengers and crew who stayed calm and pulled together on that Airbus A320 flight:

1.Realize that support is a valuable tool. Reaching out to others when you need encouragement helps you make it through what seems like an impossible situation. In an emergency, hold out your hand to a stranger. Confide in friends and family as you work through difficult circumstances. Getting a second and objective opinion from a family therapist or life coach will provide you with insight and direction. Join an ongoing group or attend a weekend retreat to share concerns and gain new perspective. Or find a workshop through your local university extension or mental health center. Spending time with others will validate your emotions and make you feel better.

2.Express your gratitude often. One airplane passenger, on a rescue raft in the frigid cold, went up to Sullenberger, grabbed his arm and said ‘thank you on behalf of all of us.’  Those are the moments in life that create a lasting impression. Try it yourself. Say thank you to a family member, a friend or a colleague. You’ll see that others will feel more valued and you’ll benefit from putting your appreciation into words. Studies show that gratitude helps you attain a better mood, increased self-esteem and a greater sense of connection to the world.  

3.Develop stress relievers. If you have endured an extraordinary physical or emotional experience, take time out for yourself. By regular exercise, good nutrition and proper rest, you’ll be taking better care of your body. Attend to your mind and your spirit as well. Practice techniques of deep breathing, relaxation or your own form of meditation. Set aside quiet time and do what it is that gives you personal pleasure. Relax and have fun as you bring more balance into your life. Look at it as investing in your emotional bank account. You’ll generate positive memories that you can draw on when you need them.  

4.Recognize an acute stress reaction. After an event where you could have died, it’s natural to have a greater appreciation for life. Subsequent to a traumatic event, on the other hand, an immediate emotional reaction can turn into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This is more likely to occur for those who have suffered a previous trauma, a weak support system, a history of addiction or depression. If your symptoms persist - sleep disturbance, sadness, fears, irritability, flashbacks or nightmares ? don’t hesitate to make an appointment with a mental health professional.

5.Be as prepared as possible ahead of time. Sullenberger was ready ? he’s a former air force fighter pilot, an expert in safety reliability methods and has 40 years of flying experience. Although you may not need training for an emergency landing, you can be equipped for what lies ahead. If you‘re making an important presentation at work, setting guidelines for your kidult who can’t find a job and is moving back home or talking to your dad about giving up the car keys, learn as much as you can about the issues. Research the subject, write out talking points, get feedback from those whose opinions you value.

As you look back, how have you dealt with trauma in the past? And how has this changed you? Take the specific strategies that you learned and apply the most effective ones again and again. Look at the ways you can continue to build on your internal and external strengths. A double bird strike disabling two engines is a highly improbable set of circumstances. Yet there are many extraordinary situations we cannot predict. Hopefully you won’t ever have to brace for a crash landing. But being prepared never hurt anyone.

? 2009, Her Mentor Center

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. & Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are co-founders of www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com, a blog for the sandwich generation.  They are authors of a forthcoming book about family relationships and publish a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their website.  As psychotherapists, they have over 40 years of collective private practice experience.