By Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D.and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D.

Children today are caught in the crosshairs of modern media. Technology has become their babysitter ? reality TV, nude photos on the Internet, bizarre videos on YouTube, seductive text messages. It’s time for these young people to be exposed instead to role models who have the potential to inspire them to do the right thing. But instead of symbols of stability, they‘re finding other adolescents living through their own crises.  

On the day of the Grammys, R&B singer Chris Brown allegedly beat up his girlfriend, pop star Rihanna, after an altercation over text messages that Brown received from another woman. Pundits, bloggers and reporters are weighing in. Some support Rihanna and are intent on not blaming the victim. Others want her to face the situation head-on and take a strong stand.

Rihanna is young, talented, and at the top of the musical charts. She’s also a potential example for our youth. But first she has to heal herself. Oprah Winfrey suggested that Rihanna give it some time and get counseling. What follows are ideas that she could take to heart for herself - and as a prototype for all of the young women and men who look up to her.

1.Take a step back and take care of yourself. You deserve some time alone. And the chance to be safe, both physically and emotionally. This will help you see the details of your situation from a different angle. Listening to your inner voice can provide comfort and reassurance as you recognize your basic character strengths. Focus on what’s important, as you try to integrate core values and personal ideals into how you want to live your life.  

2.Explore your negative emotions. When trust is broken, if you or your partner have made bad decisions, there can be a buildup of frustration, anger or disappointment, even despair as you make efforts to adapt to the new reality. It may become apparent how much you’ve changed and how far apart the two of you have grown. And you’ll see what steps to take next, for your own good.

3.Get the help you need now. Find an individual therapist or life coach who will guide your healing as you decide how to move forward. It’s important to develop positive self-regard, confidence and the life skills for this. The therapy should focus on areas such as cognitive behavioral change, communication, anger management, stress reduction and control strategies. Stay in treatment as long as you need in order to figure out what to do.

4.Recognize the value of support from others. Talking to friends and family can clarify your needs as you work through your feelings. Listening to a second or third objective opinion will provide you with further insight, direction and encouragement.  

5.Find perspective in order to grow. Whether you‘re hit in the face with a crisis, adjusting to changes in your identity or making a slow transition into the next chapter of your life, expect a cascade of feelings - anxiety, the desire to hold on, resentment, sadness, fear, eventually a sense of freedom. The emotional roller coaster ride is normal. If you have the fortitude to step back, take a deep breath and face the situation squarely, you can’t help but grow from the challenges.

6.Search for deeper meaning in your life. As you redefine your self, it can lead to your gradually feeling more powerful. By accepting the person you are becoming, you will be able to go from being afraid of being alone to feeling excited about what's ahead in your future.

Rihanna’s situation has been tried in the court of public opinion. And it doesn’t seem as if anyone is in favor of her taking Chris back. It must be hard for her to be a public face in private pain. But she is dealing with a reality that all teenagers need to be informed about ? that physical and emotional abuse are dangerous. Rihanna has the platform to demonstrate the benefits of making smart choices. And she can act in her own best interests, for herself and all the young fans who admire her and continue to watch her every move.  

? 2009, Her Mentor Center

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are co-founders of www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com, a blog for the sandwich generation. They are co-authors of a forthcoming book about family relationships and publishe a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their website. As psychotherapists, they have over 40 years combined of private practice experience.

By Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D.

Amidst the yards of fabric and glitter of jewels, the 81st Academy Awards might seem to be an unlikely place for 40-somethings or Sandwiched Boomers to look for role models. After all, the red carpet doesn’t exactly represent the clothes and shoes in our closets or the figures reflected back to us in our mirrors each morning. So what life lessons can we take from the Oscars? Instead of focusing on the fashions, lets look at the winners, nominees and 10 tips they provide.

1.Work around obstacles placed in your path. Well-known now is the saga of Slumdog Millionaire, which almost didn’t make it to the wide screens. The determination of director Danny Boyle and others connected with the film to find funding and a distributor after they lost their original backing led to the Oscar for best picture rather than directly to a place at the bottom of your queue at Netflix.  

2.Have a Plan B ready. What do you do when your original plans don’t work out? Give up in despair or brainstorm other means of getting to your goal? When you resolve to apply your energy and skills to get what you want, you will find that often the path of your Plan B ends at the same target you had in your sights. So when things don’t seem to be going your way, stick it out and give it another try. You may not become a millionaire, but you can become a winner in life.        

3.Look at life as a series of opportunities. Even host Hugh Jackman can teach us something about taking risks and going all out for something we believe in. As he revealed to Barbara Walters in his interview, he chose to define his pre-Oscar feelings as excitement not nervousness. Learn to redefine your own emotions and circumstances in a positive light.  

4.You don’t have to be perfect. One of the changes in the presentations this year was to have past winners of the major acting awards single out each nominee and acknowledge her unique performance. After years of hearing, “it’s just an honor to be nominated,” the Academy finally got it right. You don’t have to be the number one person to be pleased with your behavior and to consider yourself a success. You can feel good about your accomplishments even if you are not ultimately rewarded by being chosen the one and only.  

5.Don’t be afraid to admit your shortcomings. Kate Winslet won the best actress award for portraying a woman whose behavior leads to horrific consequences because she refuses to disclose her illiteracy. Recognize that others will be more accepting of your imperfections than you think if you trust them. At the same time, as in The Reader, be aware that unintended outcomes may have the same effect as planned ones.  

6.Trust yourself. The leading actress nominees portray strong women who continue to stand up for what they believe in, even when others do not. Angelina Jolie, faced with every mother’s nightmare, tirelessly works to find her son and then to bring to justice those responsible for his death and cover-up. Meryl Streep plays a nun who, even with some doubts and changing times, pursues her plans for what she thinks is right for the students in her school. Melissa Leo does what she can to protect her children, even though it means taking chances with her own future. And Anne Hathaway’s character fights to retain her newly growing strength even as family dynamics assault her fragile personality. So, hang in there as you too follow your own dreams.  

7.Be authentic and proud of whom you are. Portraying assassinated San Francisco supervisor, Harvey Milk, Oscar winner Sean Penn immerses himself in the vibrant personality of the first openly gay politician elected to public office. He reminds us to embrace ourselves, no matter what others think and whatever the consequences.

8.Keep on trying. In The Wrestler, Mickey Rourke personifies, in agonizing reality, the complexities of making a comeback, in love and in work. Throughout the missteps in his personal relationships and victories in the ring, his sense of decency doesn’t waver. You root for both Randy ‘The Ram’ and Mickey himself, telling them, “don’t give up, it’s never too late.”  

9.Conduct yourself honorably. Playing disgraced President Richard Nixon, Frank Langella personifies the arrogance of power. The viewer feels no moral ambiguity as Nixon, after Frost’s questioning, falls apart and declares, “When the President does it, that means that it is not illegal.” Vow not to let yourself make that kind of ethical compromise in your behavior.    

10.Be open to love and friendship. As Brad Pitt ages backwards, the two stable women in his life are his friend and true love, Daisy, and his adoptive mother, Queenie. Both women, and the relationships he shares with them, exemplify the timelessness of love. Rely on the support of dear friends and family to strengthen you though times “curious” and difficult. In The Visitor, Richard Jenkins gradually lets others into his life and, in the process, expands his world. His new friends lead to his awakening - sensually, ethically, musically, sexually - and free him from his cloistered existence. Enrich your own experiences through the gifts of friendship.

Although you likely do not live in any of the dramatic scenarios honored at the Oscars, the lessons they provide can help reduce the tensions you face caring for your family and yourself. And even if you are also in very high heels and a dress that is too tight, at least your balancing act is not in front of millions of viewers!  

? 2009, www.HerMentorCenter.com

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. & Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are co-founders of http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and http://www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com, a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomer’s family relationships and publish a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their website.