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My Blog

  • My Step-sons and the Deteriorating Relationship with my husband and I......

    Posted on Monday, July 26, 2010

    So, my husband and I have been together since 1998, married in 2000.  His two boys were 4 and 6 when we met, my daughter was 6.  I knew that the boys did not “want” to accept me because I wasn’t their “mom“.  My relationship with their mother was up and down and touch-n-go at first.  Mainly because she was selfish and lazy and I didn’t agree with her parenting tactics.  But I NEVER let the boys know how I felt.  We had joint custody of them and they have always lived in the same city as us.  We had them EVERY weekend!  Later on, my relationship with their mother actually became quite pleasant and I got over the grudges because it was in the best interest of everyone involved (which in saying, a blended family is a lot of hard work, sacrifice and sometimes heartache.)

    Well, we had a big beautiful house, a 40’ Class A RV, a wake board boat, dirt bikes, money for vacations and weekend getaways and dining out quite frequently with all of the kids.  BUT... in 2007, my husband and I became the proud parents of another little boy, our son Dylan!  By 2008, we had to short sale our dream home and rent a house nearby, lost the RV and bikes, and also we both lost our jobs within a month of each other.  NO MONEY, NO DISNEYLAND!  We have felt that since our lives have changed because of Dylan, our son together, and the lack of funds to do the things we used to do, the boys don’t want anything to do with us.  We also feel that their mom and stepfather may not be encouraging them to maintain a relationship with us.  We live within blocks of each other!!!  I realize that they are now teenagers, 16 & 18, but we long to have them in our lives just the same.  We have had to downsize to a 3 bedroom rental to make ends meet, and since they live so close we don’t expect them to stay the night, but c‘mon on!  Can’t they find time in their busy lives to at least stop over once in a while and have dinner or something?  Why doesn’t their mom feel they need to maintain a relationship with us?  My daughter’s biological father has not been a part of her life since after we divorced.  He kind of just faded out of her life.  Which she didn’t care because she didn’t trust nor like him.
    I really wish the boys could see just how fortunate they are to have 2 families that love and adore them.  My husband just lost his mother over a month ago, and tried to get them to see how important it is to cherish every moment and to spend as much time as possible together because no one knows when their time is up.  It’s hard to let go of loved ones when you have regrets about not spending more time with them or not telling them that you love them.

    Sorry for rambling on, but we are so frustrated and have tried everything.  I feel like they are mad at us because we lost the lifestyle we had and now we can't buy groceries every week let alone expensive presents for Christmas and birthdays like their mom thinks we should be doing.  What the hell is wrong with her?  Can't she see that we are basically living on bread and water and can't spend $$$$ on them, as we don't buy my daughter anything anymore!  Her way of thinking is we need to show them our love by buying them presents and things.  Well, I was raised that money doesn't buy love!  At least not true  love.

    I have a question for everyone who has gone through this with their own children or stepchildren.  Okay, maybe a few questions!  

    • Does it ever change once they mature?  Will they start to come around again?
    • How do you let go, if that’s what it takes to move on?
    • What did we do wrong?  I know it wasn’t always easy being our blended family, but we always loved them and did so much for them.

    Every night I watch my husband’s heart break over and over again because of the “Lost Boys“, and I can’t bear it anymore but don’t know what to do about it... just let it go?  This is the biggest reason that I can’t throw the towel in on our marriage, it would kill him to go through this again with our son Dylan.  And I couldn’t do that to anyone, especially him.  So another one of my issues is our marriage and the lack of everything that it used to be when we were first dating!  But I keep on keepin’ on because I have faith that we need to stick through these financially difficult times to get back to our real lives, the one that we enjoyed together.  Man, money stinks.  It may not buy happiness, but it sure as hell makes life easier and in turn an easier life can bring about happiness and contentment.

    I would like to close with a family quote:

    The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.  ~Erma Bombeck

    Our Family... when we were a united front.

    8 Replies
  • Looking in the mirror takes acceptance

    Posted on Thursday, June 24, 2010

    Okay, so I’m not 29 any more... whatever!  But every morning I see more gray hair, another wrinkle and working out to get back in shape is taking much longer now that I am 40!  tongue out

    We see our kids grow up and become young adults, and then we realize - hey, wait a minute!  That only means we are getting older, too.  I am a mother for the second time around with a 3 yr old son - the center of my world.  He keeps me young and on my toes.  I think I would feel even older without him in my life.  He helps me to remember the innocent, unconditional faucets of life in general.

    I have started a bootcamp work out at a local gym and love it like no other work out!  I religiously by the cheapest box of hair color at the supermarket and put the gloves on and color my own hair (to keep up with the gray, I must complete this ritual about every 6 weeks).

    As for the wrinkles... I have recently started applying eye cream by Dermalogica to help diminish the appearance of wrinkles!  Does it really work?  Only time will tell.

    So, I have friends that are 40+ and friends that are still in their 30’s.  The younger ones whine about turning 30, 31 or 34!  GIVE ME A BREAK!!! I love them all, but I’m 40 here, show some compassion.  I would love to go back to 29.

    So I have come to realize that yes, every morning when I look in the mirror to apply my makeup and style my hair, I have to learn to be more accepting and patient of myself.  I’m just a work-in-progress.  I’m not “old” yet!  estatic


    9 Replies