Today my beautiful niece Monica would have turned sweet sixteen, but she was taken away from us at the tender age of ten, two months before her 11th birthday. An illness which took us by surprise, she was gone in a week and it shocked us all. One minute she was with us with her beautiful smile and long black hair and then she was gone. It is hell to lose a child, and she was like a daughter to me. Five years later, the pain is still so fresh, if I feel this way, I can’t even imagine my brother’s and his wife’s feelings, and my nephew, who was so very close to his sister. Time doesn’t heal, you don’t forget, but somehow you move on. I wrote this poem for Monica.  

Monica

The walls are closing in and I feel trapped
My head is aching, my heart is broken into small pieces
I feel a scream deep down in my soul that I cannot release
I want to understand what is happening, but my brain is so confused
Is it true, what the doctor said or am I just in a dream
Please God let it be a nightmare from which there is always
a way out
I want to close my eyes and dream about happier times
But in my dream I saw her dressed as an angel, telling me
to let her go, she said she was happy where she was
All around her, a light was shining bright, her face was at peace
A face full of wisdom way beyond her years
I awake from my dream, back to my reality
A crushing pain strikes my heart and I cry
Time and space stop to exist
I remember her face in my dream, happy, content, at peace
and finally..........I accept it
..........She is gone
and I will miss her, I will miss our pink angel so much
Too much that it hurts, all the time
She is a piece of my heart, I can never get back
I need her here, to make it whole again
But she is gone and accept it, I must
..........for her
..........for me

I wrote this, thinking to myself that this would be fun to do......one of these days!!

Naughty Girl  (A naughty short story)

She waits for him in bed, yet he decides to keep on working. The computer is a mistress, one she cannot compete with.  

She decides to put an end to this nightly charade. She quietly crawls under the dinner table where he worked. Slowly, quietly, she crawled on all fours. He is unsuspecting, buried in his work. She wears a small tight white t shirt which accentuates her breasts well. Amplified even. White cotton panties are his favourite on her and on her feet, white cotton knee socks which come up to her thighs.  

She crawls under the table, and begins massaging him. He does not move, but she can hear a soft moan from above. A smile forms on her face as she lies on her back and massages him with her feet, still under the table.  She feels him growing larger, bulging in his pyjama pants, yet he still remains focused on his computer screen. His moans are becoming louder, more profound, his manhood clearly showing, almost bursting from his pyjamas.  

She gets on her knees and unbuttons him, releasing him from the confines of his pyjamas. His manhood exposed through the hole, she begins toying with it. It stands tall, large, proud and she lightly touches it with her tongue. Little licks of heaven send him crazy, his eyes closed, savouring every second. Feathery kisses drive him wild. Light airy pockets of wind, warm, and sweet on his skin. He cannot take this anymore and crouches down underneath the table, his manhood leading the way. He sees her little outfit and a raw moan only a man in heat can produce. His pyjama bottoms are off in one quick swoop.  

She lies on her back and he grabs her thighs, now spread out for him, pulls her towards him roughly. Her short t-shirt rolls up exposing her chest. Her breasts bouncing as he pulls her towards him,  making him even want her more.  

He lunges at her breasts, he always did love putting his face between them. He opened his mouth and devoured them. She let out a deep moan as she arched her back and tilted her head in ecstasy, grabbing the back of his head with both hands, guiding his head to the other one.  

As he ravaged her breasts, making her moan even louder, his tongue circles, then bites her slightly, making her nipples erect. His fingers checked her and discovered how ready she was.  

Sounds of passion lingered in the air, invading the quiet of their apartment and competed with the hustle and bustle of the street below.  

He entered her sweetness slowly, juices overflowed, encasing him in her syrupy goodness. They moved together in the dark, their silhouettes on the wall become infused into one. Their only light, the illumination of the harsh glare of the computer screen.  

His moans become louder, as do hers. They move slowly, deep slow thrusts accompany their moans. Like savage animals in the wild, their movement become faster, more intense as he thrusts even deeper into her. She opens herself to him, moving her legs on his shoulders, as his muscles ripple on his arms, his stomach, his back, his legs, as all muscles are on board for the rough seas ahead. The tides have turned and a tidal wave is about to hit. Rocking their little boat to and fro, backwards, forwards, as the rough seas engulf them.

In the silence of the night, they both scream in sweet, delirious, ecstasy. As the boat’s rocking subsides and calm waters now ensue. Wet with the sweet aroma of loving, they are drenched. The carpet will need some cleaning in the morning. She smiles at him sheepishly, he shakes his head as he smiles back at her, “You are a very naughty girl“.  She smiles back, “Yes.......I am a naughty girl.”

I have cried, wailed, got angry, got depressed, ate a lot, felt a lot of guilt, got embarrassed,  compared myself to other people a lot, moped a lot and pouted a lot this year and  the past four years and I can honestly say I AM OVER IT.

I am not perfect and I will never be the perfect woman, the perfect employee, with the perfect body, it is an illusion that we have been programmed to aspire to, a dangerous kind of brainwashing, especially to us women.  Be perfect and everything will be okay was my mentality, not anymore. Having said that, my troubles this year and the past four years have been, figuratively speaking,  a huge mountain to climb. From deaths of loved ones, to an illness, to financial problems, to health problems, it was just one problem on top of another. I was not given a choice as to whether I needed a breather, it just kept coming, and getting angry was a total understatement. The pressure to not express my grief and my anger, to grin and bare it, to look impeccable when I really didn’t want to even get out of the house, to be quiet about my troubles because I wasn’t the only one who had them.  

I read lots of self help books, journaled a lot, wrote a lot of poems, watched Oprah a lot, trying to find an answer to my mountain of problems. I prayed a lot, but I was angry at God for such a bombardment of problems which I was totally unprepared for.  

But what I have learned through this rain and storm of problems, is that, as cliched as it sounds, these trials do make you stronger. It will make you the strongest person you can ever be and until these trials do come your way, you will never know the feeling. When friends and family members dismiss your troubles and say “It’s not that bad, just think of the people who have it worse than you! ” you feel like forming a fist and giving them a good whack across the face and you feel like saying “I just need you to listen while I vent my frustrations, I don’t need a comparison.” But I’m not a violent person, so I internalised it, and I got even more depressed and sicker. Some people, no matter how much you love them, just won’t get it, UNTIL they go through it themselves and when they do, the whole world has to know all about it and you are obligated to listen and understand.

It took me to a place where darkness ruled. I was grieving for everything I had lost and I was angry. Someone had to pay, someone had to answer to me, but what happened was that I had to answer to myself. I needed to do a lot of soul searching, getting rid of anger, getting rid of all toxic emotions I ever had and went down to the nitty gritty of facing the truth. The truth was, yes I was grieving, yes I lost people I loved dearly, yes I was sick, yes I was stressed out, yes I was taking too much time off work because of my illness and yes because of this, I was losing precious income resulting in financial woes. I crashed down from such a high place, where I was oblivious of everyone and everything and I was happy, to crashing down to earth, with nothing left but myself. I had to face “ME“.  When you are faced with a mountain, you either climb over it or walk around it or simply turn back and cry. You can put blame after blame on everyone or everything else, but the real work comes from looking at yourself. Why do I feel this way? Why am I so angry? How do I get out of this? Why is this happening to me? What do I do to survive this?

There was a whole lot of crying, heavy, ugly, snorts came out of me as I cleansed myself of all toxicity from deep down in my soul. A lot of pent up anger, which I didn’t know existed, all the ugly, unsavoury emotions rose to the surface.  

In the beginning, I prayed and asked God, why me? Why are you doing this to me? I never did anything wrong, I’m a good person. But, towards the middle and the end, my prayer changed to “Please give me strength to get through this” and by saying this, I empowered myself instead of complaining about my situation. It was hard though, there was resistance every single step of the way.                            

What I have learned, through this, is that I can handle anything now. I am stronger than I have ever been. For anyone out there who is going through tough times, my advise is this...........you are absolutely stronger than you think. You can handle this and come out smiling and appreciative of the fact that you were lucky enough to learn from such a slap on the face from LIFE. Of course, while you are in the thick of it all, you will not feel the same, but persevere and you will definitely come out a stronger person, and you will not even recognise the wimpy and whiny person you once were. I thank God that I went through all this and I now understand why I had to go through it. One of the reasons, I would say, was that it brought me back to my writing, which I had abandoned and forgotten about, I had shelved it in the back of my mind, collecting dust. But the really huge deal for me was that it brought me back to God, I had wandered away from him for so long. It doesn’t matter if you believe in God or not, but know that there is something much higher than yourself out there, we are never ever alone, someone always has our back.............Absolutely!!! I am now more grateful for the little things, because life is really about living and enjoying what it has to offer, all the other things like “being perfect” and “having a picture perfect life” are not important anymore, it is dangerous to think this way and you will never ever win, so why bother thinking about it????? Just enjoy life, we‘re only here for a very short time, might as well have fun.  

I’ve less than two months before my 40th birthday. I’m not really looking forward to it, but I have to accept that life has moved on and I am no longer a princess.

Yes, a “princess“. We are all princesses in our own minds, and so we should be. Nothing but the best for us girls, right?

Although I have lived most of my life thinking I was a princess, special and unique and everyone loved me,  it occurred to me that I can’t keep living a lie. It’s not true that everyone loves me and I’m okay with that. I can’t keep living, oblivious to everything that was happening around me. Being self absorbed is a part of being young and beautiful, a mistake that many women fall into, but what happens when you reach a certain age where you no longer are cute, and you can’t get away with being “cute” anymore?! The things you do are no longer appropriate for your age, the things you like, the clothes you wear, are no longer appropriate? What then?

Let’s be honest, the era of ME, ME, ME was cute when you were younger, but now it is just pathetic.  Let us take control of the reins of this horse drawn carriage and go to places we’ve never been. Kick the coachman out and let’s go on an adventure. Let the wind blow out our hair so we end up looking like a reject eighties back up singer for WHAM.

We can’t keep believing that we are “princesses” forever. It’s time to get our priorities right, act our age and take charge of our lives. Be the woman we’ve always dreamed we could be. Life can throw some really huge surprises our way and the key to looking fabulous and happy and undeterred, is to smile. A simple smile can brighten up anyone’s day. Not everyone has to know your troubles, not everyone cares. Share with only your trusted friends or family members. Your moms or your husbands. No one in the world appreciates being burdened with problems when they ask you how you are. We all know that well meaning phrase “How are you?” is not entirely truthful.

No matter what life throws at us, we are women, we are strong and resilient. We can give birth for heaven’s sakes, don’t tell me we are weak!! Divorce, death, money problems, debt, fighting fat, illnesses, wrinkles, sagging body parts, children, teenagers, menopause, husbands, parents, work.....etc.......just remember this........we can handle anything life throws our way, we are WOMEN, we are sexy and strong, let’s not be princesses anymore,  waiting for our prince charming or the seven dwarves to rescue us, let us rescue ourselves, let us be stronger than this, let us take over, let us become the Queens of our kingdoms, let us rule the land with wisdom and much knowing.