Ideally the holiday season is a time of joy and celebrating. Unfortunately for many people the holidays can be a time of tension and stress as they struggle to deal with all the extra demands. For others it can be a time of loneliness and isolation.

Regardless of what your past holidays have been, it is possible to create a time of joy and celebrating. You begin by making up your mind to be happy. An amazing thing happens when we make up our mind; once we set our intention we find insights and opportunities arrive to help us accomplish that intention.  

Next, each morning when you wake up, before you get out of bed, take a few minutes to remember the things that you are grateful for in your life. Anything at all that you can find for which to feel grateful. Let that feeling of gratitude set the tone for your day. At night, before you close your eyes, remember again this feeling of gratitude.  

Acceptance is the next key. Accept your feelings, accept your family, accept your friends and accept what is. Be realistic and accept what is possible to accomplish and still enjoy the process. Running yourself ragged trying to achieve perfection, means that you don't get to enjoy the holidays and guess what, those around you won't get to enjoy it either.

If you tend to feel lonely and left out at this time of year, try volunteering. There are many opportunities at churches and in the community. Reaching out to help others will lift your spirits and it will also give you a chance to make new friends.

Lastly, lighten up, choose to smile and laugh. Don't take yourself too seriously. Be willing to ask for support and help. And remember your intention to make this a time of joy and celebrating.

We live in a fast paced world particularly in the west. There is a song, "I'm in a Hurry" by Alabama that aptly describes many of our lives:
I'm in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life's no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I'm in a hurry and don't know why.  

Many of us find that we run and run on life's treadmill, rather than living our lives. We rush through our day, late into the night and then wonder why we can't slow our minds down enough to sleep. We toss and turn through the night and get up tired, to do it all over again.  

It is time to slow down. Carl Honore, the author of In Praise of Slow , recommends slowing down at the right moments. Many of us are looking for balance in our lives and this may help us find it. Slowing down at the right moments can help us eat better, live healthier and love more.  

Busy is not necessarily best, there are times when slowing down allows us to rejuvenate and our productivity actually increases.  The slow food and slow sex movements, which started in Italy are gradually moving to the west.  

Slowing down can allow you to establish deeper relationships, to get more pleasure and health from food, to enjoy more fulfilling sex and to savor your life. You will find that your quality of life improved. You will be living rather than racing through life.  

It can be difficult to slow down. We may be using busyness to keep ourselves from paying attention to how we are feeling and to avoid taking responsibility for the state of our lives. Also, our culture rewards and encourages busyness. Slow is synonymous with stupid or lazy.  

It is important is for us to recognize when hurrying is necessary and good and when slowing down is necessary and good. Slowing down to have an uninterrupted meal with family strengthens families. Slowing down to build relationships or to make love adds richness to life. Make yourself step off the treadmill and find more balance in your life.  

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course  

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Chances are if you are female, the answer is yes, a lot of the time. There is the never-ending, ever growing list of shoulds and have tos. There are so many roles to play wife, mother, grandmother, sister, daughter, friend, lover, co-worker, boss . . .. How can we ever hope to do it all and stay sane? The answer is we can't and that's OKAY.

You cannot do everything, but you can find a balance. Take charge of your life rather than letting your life take charge of you. Do not confuse busyness with accomplishment. When you have more to do than you can manage, priorities become even more important.  

What are your highest priorities in life? How do those priorities compare to where you spend your time? Where does taking care of yourself come on your list of priorities? For most women, this comes way at the bottom of the list. This unfortunately creates just the opposite of what we want. Leaving us burned out, with little to offer anyone, including our selves.

We can choose not only where we spend our time, but also the quality of our time. Each morning when you wake up you choose, either consciously or by default whether the tone for that day will be happy or miserable. There is great power in choosing to accept and enjoy life, no matter what.  

Gratitude is one of the keys to a happy life. Take time to smell the roses, don't be so caught up in the have tos and shoulds that you miss living your life right now. Do your best to find something to appreciate in each moment and you will find that life will be much sweeter.

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Ask, "What is the most important thing I need to do right now?" The answer at times may be to exercise, take a nap, get down and play with grandchildren, spend time with your partner, or finish a project. Taking charge of your life by making room for your highest priorities will help you feel more fulfilled and less overwhelmed. Give yourself permission to enjoy life.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course  

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Intentionally or not, you have created a relationship climate for all of your relationships. The quality of those relationships has a lot to do with this climate. Relationship climate has little to do with the exact words that you speak or the things that you do. You can say or do the exact same thing but have two very different relationship climates. It has much more to do with what is going on inside of you at the time.

You can do something nice for someone from two different positions or a whole range in between. Lets say that you that you decide to make a nice meal for someone. A positive climate would be created if you were happy to do this, you were looking forward to spending time together, and you were enjoying the process. A negative climate would be created if you were resentful that you were taking time to do this, you were dreading spending time together, and you were thinking critical thoughts as you prepared the meal.

Chances are even if these two meals could be identical; they would be received in very different ways. People react not only to what we do and say, but probably even more to the climate we have created.

Consider the overall climate of your closest relationships. Does it tend to be more positively or more negatively charged? All relationships will have some fluctuation in climate, but there will be a general tendency.  

There are many factors that shape the climate in our relationships. On the positive side there are things like smiling, laughing, pleasant tone of voice, eye contact, reaching out to, listening to and validating others. On the negative side there are things like ignoring, attacking, glaring, justifying, put downs and having to be right. Keeping our behavior on the positive side will improve the climate of our relationships.

But what is more important is what is going on inside of us. When we are grateful for our relationships, when we choose loving thoughts, choose to act rather than react to others, choose to forgive hurts and be at peace, then we will not have to work to create a positive relationship climate, it will already be in place.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course  

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

In all of our relationships we have expectations of how things should be, this applies in our intimate relationships as well. Many of these expectations have not been clearly defined in our own mind and frequently we have not openly shared our expectations with our partner. As our partner bumps up against these unspoken rules and expectations frustration and conflict may result. At this point our first response is often to try to change our partner to match our expectations.

Few people stop to consider the validity of their expectations or think about how well their expectations have been communicated to their partner. Just imagine landing a great new job and signing on without knowing what was expected of you. Think about the frustration and confusion that might ensue. Talking and sharing our expectation with each other can lead to greater satisfaction for both. Finding out that our expectations do not match, gives us the opportunity to find something that works.  

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The reality is that we often have unrealistic expectations of our self, our partner and the relationship. We then find it necessary to judge our self, partner or relationship harshly. The place to begin is to take a good look at our expectations. When we pull them out into the light of day, sometimes it is easier to see that they are not realistic.  

Consider the example of the client who was confused and frustrated because she was not happy in her marriage. As we worked through her thoughts and feelings, one of the questions that came up was, "Before you met your husband, were you happy?" Her response was, "No, not really. My life sucked." We then examined whether she had hoped that her husband and marriage would make her happy. She discovered that she had hoped that having someone to look after and care for her would fix things. Bringing this expectation into her conscious mind allowed her to see how expecting her marriage to make her happy was not entirely realistic.  

If we find that we have unrealistic expectations then we can choose to make those expectations more realistic. We can consider whether our present expectations and behavior is helping or hindering us in getting our needs met. We may have a need to feel close and connected to our partner, but because they fail to live up to our expectations we push them away, leaving us feeling less rather than more connected.

Two important questions to consider:
First: What are my expectations and are they realistic?
Second: Is what I am doing now helping or hindering my ability to meet my needs?  

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course  

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

How do we resist healing? Hanging on to anger or hurt, wanting to punish or get even, all amount to resisting healing. Negative emotions cannot and do not heal. In order to heal we need to find within ourselves the positive emotions of gratitude, acceptance and love.  

To facilitate healing you begin by accepting full responsibility for where you are at this moment in time. Stop blaming and look instead at how did I get myself to this place. Then ask what can I learn from this experience? What do I need to do differently or how do I need to be different so that I don't repeat this pattern? Even bad situation can become sweeter when you grow your character, when you find your inner strength and find a way to turn even tragedy into opportunity.  

If the tragedy happens to be the end of a relationship, and for some this may feel more like a relief than a tragedy, don't get stuck in blaming your ex, stuck in recounting all their flaws and mistakes, stuck in wanting to get even or wanting them to be miserable without you. These states do not promote healing and do not help you develop a healthy relationship in the future.  

When you change your state and accept complete responsibility for where you are right now, then you have the power to do something about it. But you may be thinking, my ex was a jerk and I have every right to be angry and upset. You may be entirely right. But being right about that is not going to make you happy and it is not going to help you heal.  

Ask yourself: What can I learn from this? What must I change about myself so that my future is happier? What can I be grateful for about this experience? What do I want instead?

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Gratitude is a wonderful tool to use to allow healing. Last winter I went out to help my husband shovel the driveway. When I was walking around into the backyard to get a shovel, I slipped and fell and dislocated my elbow. This is an extremely painful injury and often the healing and recovery process is very painful as well, at times the elbow never fully recovers.  

My husband took me to emergency and as I was carefully leaning forward and walking into the hospital, I remember thinking that we are to give thanks in all things. The New Testament gives this admonition "In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God"  

So I started thinking what can I be grateful for in this situation, I am in severe pain, I can't do anything with my arm, what is there to be grateful about? Well I thought, I can be grateful there is a hospital here. When we got inside the nurse took one look at me, said come with me and put me right into a bed. I thought, I am grateful for nurses and grateful for not having to wait. I overheard one of the nurses saying something about an obvious deformity (I couldn't bring myself to look at my arm). I thought I am grateful for doctors who can put me back together again. Through the whole process I just kept thinking I am grateful for x-rays, drugs to reduce the pain and to put me out for a few minutes while they put my elbow back in place and anything else I could think of to be grateful for.

As a result what started out as a horrible experience turned into a sweet and peaceful memory. And interestingly according to my physiotherapist my elbow healed amazingly quickly and completely.  

Acceptance, gratitude and love allow healing to occur not only within our self, but in our relationships as well. Find it within yourself to be accepting, grateful and loving toward yourself, those you love and those you cannot stand and begin allowing rather than resisting healing.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course  

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine