When we love someone we become vulnerable to hurt, it is true. But choosing not to love in order to protect our self from hurt offers a lonely existence.  

Love hurts when we rely on our partner to make us happy or to prove to us that we are loveable. These positions inevitably lead to disappointment and hurt. Even if our partner was willing to constantly work to make us happy or to consistently try to convince us that we are loveable, unless we choose to be happy and we whole-heartedly believe that we are loveable, they will fail.  

Love also hurts when it is not nourished. When we take each other for granted or fail to make our partner and our relationship a top priority in each other's lives, our relationship will drain rather than feed us. Love hurts when trust is broken and our world comes crashing down on our heads. Betrayal and infidelity leave some of the deepest wounds.

A Spanish proverb says, "Where there is love there is pain." It is because we care deeply for someone that we become vulnerable to being hurt. But the flip side is also true, love gives us the potential for shared joy. When you love someone, it is not always going to be smooth sailing. But if you make your love a priority and pull together instead of apart, then it is more likely you will make it safely to shore.  

The Kenny Roger's song The Gambler, says, "You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, Know when to walk away and know when to run." The same concept can be applies to relationships. Some relationships even though they may be painful at times are worth saving. For some it may be time to fold, or end the relationship. If there is abuse involved, you may need to run rather than walk away.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course  

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Sexy is more about attitude than it is about fitting into the perfect mold. Join the Dove revolution and accept that you are beautiful and sexy just the way you are.  

Is you inner kitten buried under layers of frustration, resentment and unresolved anger? Do you feel unappreciated, unloved or neglected? Have you been neglecting yourself? If you are feeling overwhelmed and disconnected from your partner it is only natural for you to feel less than frisky.  

Give up the idea of wanting to be sexy for anyone else. Give yourself permission to feel sexy for you. Build your confidence and empower yourself. Give yourself permission to make your wants and needs as important as the wants and needs of the people that you love.  

Stop and ask yourself what the absence of feeling sexy is saying about the state of your relationship. Is your relationship a safe place to feel and be sexy?

Most of all, know that there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel. Your feelings give you valuable information. The trick is to learn to get the message from those feelings and take actions to move you closer to where you want to be.  

If your reactions to the idea of finding or being sexy is revulsion, you may want to seek professional help. Not that everyone has to love and enjoy being sexy, but there may be a possibility that you have experienced abuse or other trauma in your life.  

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course  

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

"Normal Day, let me be aware of the treasure that you are." Mary Jane Irion
There are so many wonders around us each day, if we are awake and aware. Often times we are so busy getting to, coming from, hurrying from task to task that we seldom stop to smell the roses.  

Years ago I came to the realization that I may as well enjoy each day, since this was as good as it was going to get. This discovery came at a time when I had small children and we had planned a trip to Disneyland. I was looking forward to the trip. I had fond memories of traveling with my family to Disneyland, of course I was a teenager at the time and had thoroughly enjoyed the freedom of exploring without my parents, meeting up with them later and having fun together.  

The same trip with three small boys was quite different. We had the straps from their wrists to ours to help us keep track of them in the crowd. We had snacks and allowed for nap-time at the hotel. But excited little children don't always nap on schedule even if they are tired. And keeping track of little people all day long can be exhausting and all the amazing things to see and do, tires out little legs.  

Don't get me wrong we had a lot of fun, but it was much more stressful and tiring than either being at home with small children, or holidaying without small children.  

I realized that I had the choice to enjoy my life and my children each day. I began to understand that if I did not enjoy my life on a normal day, that chances were that being on a holiday would not improve my outlook. The choice was inside of me, not in my surroundings.  

This decision to be happy with what is, is something I have tried to apply in each stage of my life. Becoming grateful for each day allows us to enjoy the gift that the present day is.  

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course  

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Lin Yutang said, "Besides the noble are of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials." Although Lin Yutang may have taken this concept to the extreme, we could all benefit from stopping to consider where we spend our time.  

Is busy work keeping us from doing what matters most to us. Do we lack time to build relationships, follow our dreams, or take care of ourselves? Pause and consider what your highest priorities are. What percentage of your time goes to your highest priorities? Many people say that their relationships are the most important thing in their life, yet they are giving only the leftovers of their time and energy to building their relationships.  

Before you say yes to the next request coming your way, it might be wise to ask:
Is this something that I want to do?
Is this something I can do willingly and cheerfully?
What will I have to give up in order to do this?

We need to give ourselves permission to say "no" to those things that unnecessarily take too much time away from our highest priorities. We need to give ourselves permission to say "yes" to life. Say yes to taking a risk, to growing, to having an adventure with loved ones.  

We probably do not want to go as far as Jim Carrey in Yes Man, but we can learn the art of saying "no" to the unnecessary so that we have time and energy to say "yes" to the highest priorities in our lives.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course  

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Are you coming at your relationships from a place of healing or a place of hurting? Is peace and acceptance the umbrella under which your relationships flourish? Or do anger and judgment undermine their success.  

Sean Stephenson said, "The hurt hurt and the healed heal." When we are hurting inside; we spread hurt to those around us. Ask yourself: Are you whole and happy within yourself? Do you accept and love yourself? This tends to be one of the biggest challenges in therapy?to help clients reach that point of inner peace and acceptance.

If you want healed relationships, first heal yourself. To move toward healing practice becoming your own best friend. What makes a best friend great? They are always there to support you; they tell you the truth, not just what you want to hear; they treat you with respect and encourage you; they see you, not through rose-colored glasses, but in a "glass ? full" kind of way. They know your faults, but they love you anyway.

People who are wounded and hurting tend to lash out at others, to mistrust and to seek to even the score. Those who are healed understand that although self worth may be affected by what we do, how we look, what we have or many other factors; our REAL WORTH is infinite and can never be increased or decreased.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course  

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Don't let the photoshopped celebrity images get you down. You can still feel and be sexy for the rest of your life. Being sexy has everything to do with feeling sexy. The following are five things that you can do to boost your sex appeal:

Accept yourself
Accept yourself as you are. The more comfortable you are with yourself, the more comfortable others are going to be around you. Get comfortable with the idea that you are sexy and wonderful just the way you are.  

Be confident
Sex appeal begins with self-confidence. Pay attention to your posture. Pay attention to what you say to yourself and others about you. If you don't feel confident, try acting as if you were confident and watch your confidence blossom.

Go walking
Improving your fitness will help you to feel better about yourself and help you feel more willing to show off a little. Improved fitness will increase your energy levels and also give your confidence a boost.

Pamper Yourself
Have you had a manicure or pedicure lately? Even a bubble bath at home with music and candles can help you feel a little sexier. Get your hair done, have a massage, find ways to pamper yourself and remind yourself that you are sexy and worth it.  

Accentuate your best features
Learn to love your body and play to your assets. Wear clothes that make your look your best. Get rid of those that make you look and feel frumpy. Looking sexy does not mean that you have to look 16?go for classy, rather than skimpy.  

Remember you do not have to be perfect to be sexy.  

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course  

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine