Which relationships in your life nourish you? Which of your relationships are more like junk food to your soul?  

Junk food relationships are those that are just for fun. The relationship remains a surface-type relationship; you talk about lots of things, except what really matters to you. Junk food relationships never require that you deal with any real problems or that you share difficult feelings. These relationships, although they may be a lot of fun, can sometimes feel kind of empty.  

Nourishing relationships are the ones where you know and are known by another person. Joy and delight are shared and celebrated. Faults and problems are not hidden. You chose to love, in spite of knowing that you each have imperfections. Building intimacy nourishes your soul. It may be challenging and uncomfortable at times, but these are the kind of relationships that can last a lifetime and more.  

Difficult relationships are not necessarily junk food relationships. Difficult relationships can provide us with wonderful gifts: the opportunity to grow, the opportunity to learn about our self and another, the opportunity to forgive and to heal and the challenge to discipline our self to be our best even when someone else chooses not to be their best.  

The trick, just as with food, is to find a balance between junk food relationships and nourishing relationships. However, unlike food, junk food relationships can be converted into nourishing relationships with an investment of time and effort.  

Deeping your relationship means taking a risk. Sharing feelings, asking for help, offering service helps to deepen a relationship. Paying attention to the interests, wants and needs of the other person and really getting to know him/her deepens a relationship. Being honest without being brutal can deepen a relationship. Nourishing relationships may involve more risk (what if s/he doesn't like me as I am); but they are far more fulfilling.  

Staying safely distant may protect you from rejection or disapproval, but it also does not allow you to get to know those people who would embrace you and accept you as you are.  

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course  

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

If you have difficulties in your relationship, your perspective may be part of the problem. Consider how you are looking at your relationship and how you are looking at your partner? Your perception of your partner and your relationship affects the reality that you experience.  

Thinking and believing that it was impossible to put a man on the moon, would never have resulted in Neil Armstrong standing on the moon. Likewise thinking and believing that your partner is not good enough or that your relationship cannot be happy, does not lead to creating a successful, happy relationship.

Conflict may result from your interpretations of your partner's actions or intentions. You may take things too personally. If your partner is late or preoccupied, you may perceive that s/he doesn't love you, that s/he is selfish, lazy or inconsiderate, or that s/he doesn't care. It is not the circumstances or behavior that hurt you, it is the meaning that you attach to them that causes you pain.  

Talmud said, “We do not see the world as it is. We see the world as we are.” Everything that we understand and think of as factual has been filtered through our believe system. We are all experts at disregarding information that does not fit with our beliefs.  

To begin changing your perception ask yourself: "What else might this mean?" Look for several options; try finding some positive or at least neutral options. Another helpful thing to try is to put yourself into your partner's shoes. Try to see the situation from his/her perspective.

It is amazing how changing your perception can begin to change your relationship. Becoming consciously aware of the meaning that you are attaching to the things that your partner does and says and searching for ways to put a more positive spin on them can create upward momentum in your relationship instead of a downward spiral.

Please note: Abuse is abuse, no matter how you look at it.