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Viva Postparenthood!

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  • Just a Trace of Cannabis Rolls on the Relief!

    Posted on Tuesday, August 1, 2017

    My kids call me Ganja Grannie, but my favorite new remedy for the indignities of aging has such a limited amount of cannabis in it (less than .03%) that it CAN'T be sold in pot stores even in states where  pot is legal.   I ordered Basic Jane on the web after I heard about it in my Silver Sneakers class; it comes in a neat purse-size roller, spray gel or luscious sweet-smelling cream composed of natural essential oils and menthol catalyzed by a trace of  cannabis sativa that sparks the healing effect.  A  spot-on idea that's more effective than NSAIDs for post-workout healing because it goes where the hurt is instead of where it's not.  You don't have to be an old hippie like me who takes her "recreation" legally now - just a woman whose age-related arthritis and joint pain led her straight to my favorite new products!


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  • PUTTING THE SAFETY NET UNDER INSTEAD OF OVER THE KIDS

    Posted on Tuesday, August 25, 2015

    "I'm not a perfect Mom," says Rosie O'Donnell, whose   17 year old  daughter ran away from home last week to meet a man she met on Tinder. "When someone u love is drowning in the rapids - u throw everything u can into the water - hoping they will grab on and stay afloat.  I did what I had to do," she added.  What she had to do was go after her daughter, and everything she could do – give the police her daughter's cellphone – was enough to save her.  The social media trolls have called Rosie out for telling the media her daughter is mentally ill, but if that's how to get the police more involved than they usually are when a 17 year old leaves home of her own volition, any mother would.

    There is no perfect mother, just the mother we wish we'd had, the one we wish we'd been, the one we can never be. However perfectly we may be attuned in infancy – theirs and ours – separation is inevitable, because without it growth is impossible. And letting go is hard on both mother and child, particularly when one or both isn't ready or capable.  Once they're 18, what little power and control you have is officially over. You can't ground, punish or even commit them, even if if it's clearly for their own good. Your  influence, like an ex-President's, is largely historical – it's not that you don't matter any more, you're just not relevant to their desires, dreams and dedication to making their own decisions, even – and especially – if they're the wrong ones. You have only the power of the purse, the choice to support them on the course they've chosen or not.
    You can't keep the safety net over them any more – you have to keep it under them now, do what you can to pick them up when they  fall.  Even. the most perfect mother can't do more than that.


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  • ARE YOUR GROWN KIDS DRIVING YOU NUTS?

    Posted on Wednesday, August 19, 2015

    As autumn draws near, my phone rings with anxious parents concerned that their adult kids seem nowhere near ready to make it on their own. Sometimes they have reason to worry - their kids are afflicted with the ADD of adult children - addiction, dependence and/or depression. More often, they‘re just stuck in that netherword between delayed adolescence and the kind of adulthood that involves setting goals, establishing careers, making commitments to others and shouldering the responsibility for their own lives. And now that they‘re finished with college and supposed to be grown up, they don’t appear to be in any hurry.
    Is this a real problem, a cultural trend, or a reflection of the kind of parents we were?
    Yes, yes and yes. The fact is that our kids feel entitled to what we’ve raised them to expect - the kind of life most of us worked for years to achieve. But they want it now, and many aren’t budging from their childhood bedrooms or wherever we‘re helping them pay the rent until they get it. I
    If this is the scenario in your home, consider whether you‘re enabling them to continue living in this dream world by making nit easier for them to do so. Living at home with no plans to leave? Maybe it’s time to set an estimated date of departure and make them stick to it. Don ’t want them out on the street? That’ not likely to happen...most of them will figure out a way to share the rent with some friends and say yes to the entry level jobs it’s killing you to watch them turn down. Full of dreams that seem to have no chance of succeeding? Support the ones that look possible in any way you can, but don’t rain on their parade -= they’ll find other dreams to dream, or make the kind of all-out effort required to get at least a foothold in the world they‘re trying to join. Looking to you to solve their problems? Remind them that they‘re their problems, not yours, and suggest they get on with the business of doing that.
    The fact is, it’s a tougher world out there for the millennials than it was for us.  But aside from a little tea and sympathy, there’s not much you can do except stop the behavior that enables them, support the kind that indicates they‘re getting on with the business of growing up, and reinvest in the relationships, careers,friends and activities that give meaning to your life.


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  • IS SEXTING THE ANSWER TO THE SOLO LIFE?

    Posted on Wednesday, August 19, 2015

    Recent findings indicating that sexting, once seen as the purview of pubescents and perverts, is more commonly and satisfactorily practiced by 90% of people between the ages of 18 and 82 sampled by a pair of researchers who presented their findings at the recent American Psychological Association's convention. (That must have been a welcome relief from discussing the role psychologists played in torturing detainees).
    One reacts to that kind of news, initially at least, on a very personal level...would, could, should or have I done it? I wasn't as interested in the researchers' conclusions about how sexting impacted participants' 'very committed' relationships (positively, as it turns out), because I'm not in one. I was much more focused on the age range of the sample – I just hope when I'm 82 I can still type, let alone type and have an orgasm at the same time.
    In fact, I was quite buoyed by the report. It opened up a new range of possibilities for continuing to enjoy sex as I age. The possibilities of finding myself in an intimate relationship narrow with every passing year, yet my libido has its reasons, 'which reason cannot know.' There are means at hand, as it were, to satisfy it, but none, right now, include close connection with another human being. And that is what I miss about solo sex – having no one to experience it with. Because that's the most exciting, sexiest part.
    How does one find a suitable sexting partner? As someone who has a visceral reaction to poorly written prose – a misplaced apostrophe is like chalk on a blackboard, bad grammar worse than dirt under one's fingernails – I can't just put an ad on craig's list, or my e-mail would be fuller of unsolicited porn than it already is. Perhaps, like the author of Confessions of a Round-Heeled Woman, I should advertise in a higher-minded journal like the New York Review of Books.
    Apparently there is a debate among the cliterati about whether affirmative consent, as Amanda Marcotte so elegantly put it in Slate, "is a boner killer and too much to ask of ordinary people." Sexting is clearly an expression of affirmative consent, and there's no "no" like a blocked IM or other technological means of discontinuing the conversation.
    What holds me back from starting one at all it is not the unlikelihood of finding a sext partner with the wit, style and writerly chops to engage me, or even the omnipresence of the Cloud, which already hovers over all our electronic communications like a constant threat. It's not the fear of being laughed at, rejected, or embarrassed by someone I'll never know.
    It's that last part that stops me.  Someone I'll never know. And reminds me of the truth in that old saw about masturbation...at least you're going to bed with someone you love.


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  • Tradeoffs - We Haven't Come Such a Long Way Baby!

    Posted on Tuesday, August 4, 2015

    Can women today have it all? Could they ever? In a Manhattan brownstone in the early 80’s, three women nearing the peak of their careers realize the price as well as the payoffs of success in a dramatic, sexy, compelling novel as contemporary as today’s headlines:
    Paula, lawyer and politician: “First they said marry a successful man, then they said be one. Which is right? What should our real role be?” When her radical lover from law school days comes up from the underground, she must consider the one she chose and rethink the principles on which she staked her career.
    Cass, beautiful, ambitious advertising executive: “Who says a woman today can’t go as far as a man? Who says we can ’t have everything they do?” Words she lives by until her affair with her charismatic boss explodes on the front page and threatens to torpedo her career.
    Ellin, writer and single mother: “Where is it written that just because you‘re a parent you have to give up everything else that completes you?” Torn between her own needs and those of her teenage daughter, she learns that the cost of love and the price of fame is greater than she ever imagined.
    Tradeoffs is a novel of love, careers, conflict and friendship among women on top, a compelling story about the real choices faced by every woman who ever hoped to have it all.


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  • Tell Me About You and Your Grown Kids

    Posted on Tuesday, May 22, 2012

    Want to participate in a survey of parents of kids 21-35?  I’m writing a new book about how and why the relationship between baby boomers and their adult children is different from the one we had with our own parents - specifically, how much more connected (and in what ways) we are to our kids and they to us than earlier generations  were. I’m interested in the hows and whys, in what the best and worst things about it is, in  whether your grown kids are “co-residing” with you and how long they’ve been back at home.  If you’d like to take my survey, please drop me an email at janeadamsphd@gmail; if you’d like to be interviewed too, please mention it.


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