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As some persons know for years I struggle with back pains. One day while going through a news paper that I bought for the 1st time in years I saw it... “Is your head on straight?” I have been saying it for years that mine is not but everyone thought it was a joke. My neck would make that clicking sound as I turn it every time. I called up the numbers in the Add and I was told of this procedure called “Atlas Profilax” I was so over joyed when I heard of others story of similar symptoms. I went and had this procedure done and my life was changed. The sound in my neck stopped immediately, I could sit up without feeling pain and I started to have the most restful sleep I have not had since I know myself. But this was short lived when one month after I fell down the stairs at home. I reached the bottom still holding on to the banister. A few days after I ended up in the hospital with the worst pain I have felt in years. My right arm did not feel like it belonged to me. I could not lift it, I could not use it. I had to be assted with my clothes. The doctor told me that I damaged my rotatory cuff and that it takes a long time to recover from an injury of that nature. Since this happened on August 6th I have not slept well. I now look like a zombi. Happines for me was short lived as this pain masks the changes in my body from this procedure. I wish I could just wake up from this night mare.
I am feeling very sad just now and I want to get out of the house and have some me time with a friend. Maybe see a movie or just lime. Never thought at this age I would not know how to do this as I am not able to identify one single girl friend that has anytime for me.
Recently I have been trying to pay more attention to myself. I have been doing my hair and nails. I have taken a vacation bought new clothes and dressing differently. I have even had a few massages. But even though my hubby is home we have not been going out so there is no where to wear the new clothes to but work and the supermarket.
I think I know where I have gone wrong. Since getting married I have been too busy with my family life that I been stucked in this time zone that has aged me and life has just been passing me by. Even if I did find a friend to go some where with. Where would we go? I wish all of what I know now I had know sooner. I would not be in this confused and sorrowful state.
One of my closest friend just recently realize that her life is not what she thought it was. She saw the signs a few years and now she cannot believe that she allowed her life to get to this point. She lived a life of someone that is married and now that her partner cannot think for himself she realize that she was never married and he controlled her for almost 30 years. He said his aunt was sick and lived with him. She never questioned why he never invited her into his house and why he disconnect the phone. Now his aunt is not his aunt!!! Who is she? He is at her house from 7am and he goes home by 9pm. No matter what questions she asked he finds some way to avoid answering. Now he is sick and he is old. His memory comes and goes and his family takes care of him now. Before he just filled her entire life. Where does she fit in now? Is this for real. She wish she could just wake up and she had done things differently. When did she loose control?...When?!!!!
I went to the specialist on Saturday finally to check my eyes. Over the past two years I have been having difficulty seeing properly...just thought it had to do with the lighting in the house. I am now being told that the pressure in my eyes are of concern. In a few hours I will be seeing another Dr. who will be looking in the back of my eyes in a few hours. I know I should not and cannot accept any negative results ...but I am so numb from my last visit. Comfort me Jesus....
My mother left again today...I felt it coming for awhile now but I did not know it would be today. I have lost count for the many times she left for the simplest things.
Last night during a discussion she got upset about a comment I made and then she went silent. I got up this morning met her in the kitchen and every thing was fine until she started to make remarks about me not having a medicine cup in the house while I was looking for the one I knew I had.
She has an art of manipulating my other siblings to make them think that I was cruel to her and I do believe they think it is so even though she does the same to them. How do I relate to a parent that continues to upset my life and make me feel so robbed of the support I need even at this age.
Even though I did not get from her and my father the support and direction I need to propel me in the right direction to achieve. I still love her and want to give her what she needs to feel happy. I want her to forget her painful past when she growing up and I want her to forget the things that my father did to her. It brings tears to my eyes knowing I did nothing to her and she accused me of being a hypocrite because I called to her before leaving home today.
She left today her last words to my hubby was that she tried to live with me but she cant. Did she try? I saw it and I felt it long ago. She left today and I know it will happen again....It has happened many times before.
Today is one of those days I wish I could just wake up in the morning and take my night clothe off when ever I want to and do anything I want.
I get up every morning and it is the same old same old. Everything I do is for someone else or something else. I love my family but I just wish some times that they would all just do for me what I have been doing for years for them. I am tired of seeing the kitchen, washing machine, ironing board, the broom, the mop and the dogs.
I just want to do the things I use to love to do so much. Like listening to music when I go to bed but I am so tired I fall asleep in mid air each night and most mornings I wake up as if I got run over by a truck while sleeping because of this nerve in my neck.
I wish I could read as much as I use to. I have a book that my daughter gave to me for Christmas about four years ago still reading. I have not even reached the middle.
I would love to watch a movie on Life Time and cry, but between the kids and my loving hubby I have to watch the news, sports events, cartoons or all the teenage stuff.
I have to actually beg to get the computer to come on this site or wait until the kids are in bed or my husband is occupied with the news.
I would love to go shopping alone for stuff just for me without having to hurry back home. And sometime to visit my friends and sit and talk and have a good laugh without my husband calling all the time to ask if I am not done yet.I need some me time with lots of pampering. When will I ever be able to have this.