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I left my country when I was 18.  After spending two years in England, I then came to United States and I have been here ever since.  Now I am turning 50, after 32 years away from living in my country, I have no choice than to move back home.

I am leaving my parents behind in SLC, UT and bringing with me are one carry on and one 50 lbs of luggage.

When I left, I was a teenager, full of hope, full of excitement and courage to face the challenging world.  Now upon my return, I am full of discouragement, sadness, grief, and fear.

What have I accomplished all these years?  It seems nothing just a waste of my youth and middle age.  My son is gone, I am divorced, no job, no house, no possession that is worthy.  I do gain knowledge, experience, compassion, friends, and few gray hair and possibly a few pounds too.

I am fearful.  Will I be able to acclamate my home country?  Will I be going along with the fast pace city?  Will I be able to get along with different mentality after I have been so Americanize?  Will I accept a bedroom that is even smaller than my office I am in now?  Will I like the weather?  Will I adjust to the humidity, mass amount of people and noise?  How about my aging parents?  How about the gravesite? On and on and it only brings tears to my eyes.

I asked my psychiatrist if it is legitimate for me to think I have a hard life despite I know there are others who have harder life than mine.  Is my life in the norm or on the tough side.  He said “It is ok and fine for you to think you have a hard life than the general public.  But remember, it is not always that way.”

How I wish I have hope to see I can be happy or at least live in peace again.  I just don’t see it.  Even with my above average spirituality, I still struggle.  Wonder when the road will turn and be on the up side again.  Will it ever?

So two husbands, two bad divorces.  One son and gone.  Back to the basic, ground zero.  

Sigh and in tears.  Thank you for listening.


Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Dec 2, 2010
    • heartbreak

      So by moving back to Hong Kong will you have better opportunity? And will you have more family and friends there?

      I am sad for you but I have a strong faith that (and belief) that opportunities do present themselves when others have gone away.

      Sending you hugs and blessings!

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jo46 wrote Dec 3, 2010
    • Dear China doll,  It sounds like you have thought about your decision for awhile.  Life is about balances and being able to have that peace.  I hope you find it in Hong Kong. For what it is worth, when I joined the website awhile back, it was with the encouragement of my husband.  You see, I had lost my best friend to suicide in Dec. of 2007.  It was so nice to be welcomed by so many ,you especially.  For the longest time I just was a nonparticipant, reading what you and the others had to say was nice. I always enjoyed your writings ChinaGirl. I felt your pain, when your son passed. As time has gone on I noticed that you have participated less and less on this website.  Now I see that you had a lot on your mind.  The bottom line is-if it doesn’t work out, you can always move back.  I will miss you!  Peace and love, Jo

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Suzann wrote Dec 3, 2010
    • Oh my dear ChinaDoll, I’m so sorry to hear that you‘re feeling so bad. Please take a part of my heart with you, and know that you are loved.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anne E wrote Dec 5, 2010
    • China Doll, my heart is breaking for you my Fabulously 40 sister. heartbreak I pray that things work out for you back in Hong Kong. May God bless you.  We’ll miss you a lot.

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