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The American Idol Final Four

I was going to start off by eating some humble pie due to last week's bizarre results show where Adam supposedly came in second to last.  I was really ready to do that. But then I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.  Thoughts of conspiracy, ratings desperation and the Great American Idol Hoax came to mind.

I have CSI on the case.  And that guy from To Catch A Predator, yeah, that Chris Hanson guy.  I'm still not believing that Adam was in the bottom two.  I mean really.  You think I'm that gullible?  While you're at it, try telling me that Randy isn't black and Paula is really a Paul.   See what I mean?  Not plausible.  Not possible.  None of it.

This could be a very small recap.  The reason?  Adam was the only one that showed up to compete tonight.  Seriously, the others were no shows.  Or injured with some kind of brain damage when the TOWER on the set EXPLODED during dress rehearsal (does anyone know the whereabouts of Matt or Anoop...wouldn't put it past them).

Or you could put it this way.  Kris, Allison and showed up tonight and had performances ranging from OK to Just OK to inflicting permanent ear damage to the American Idol audience and those of us who keep our TV volumes up too high (thanks Danny).  Adam showed up as the guest celebrity for the week.

It was Rock 'n Roll week and I should have passed the torch to someone a little more knowledgeable.  I am pathetic when it comes to Rock 'n of the big regrets of my life. Instead of going to hard rock concerts like any good repressed Catholic school girl did when she finally escaped to the freedoms of college, I added insult to injury and was going to bible studies instead.


Slash was the guest celebrity.  Who is Slash?  Did they pick "Slash" as a premonition to Danny's last set of notes?  I really think Slash is Howard Stern on tranquilizers with a guitar.  I mean really, didn't anyone else notice the eerie resemblance?  Look, see for yourself.  


I don't know who Slash is or Guns 'n Daisies or Lilies or Roses, whatever that band is.  Thank God I was familiar with the Beatles, but they were around long before my teenage rebellion got traded in for a christian conversion.   They say that youth is wasted on the young and they're not kidding.  Like Danny, I just wasn't in my element tonight but I'll do my best.

So, take my rock 'n roll recap with the proverbial grain of salt with a pinch of pity on it.  When it comes to rock 'n roll, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

First up:


ADAM! Adam sang A Whole Lot of Love and he is.  Okay all you Adam doubters, you cynics, you critics...come on, just try to whine to me once again, like you've tried week after week, that that was a cheesy over the top screechy Broadway performance. Just try but I'm not that rock'n' roll dumb that I ’m not 100% confident when I say that Adam rocked the house.  This guy has such a great stage presence, such a strong sense of command. You could hear a loud collective combo uggggh/sigh from the other contestants behind the stage.  They knew they were screwed before they even had the chance to perform.


The Judges:  Simon, Kara, Paula and Randy (Randy’s been on Facebook way too much)  

Judges Table:

Randy:  "No one will see you and ever think of Broadway.  You and Slash could make a record.  You're a ROCK STAR!"

Kara (saccharin, that's it...plasticky and sugary and slightly desperate):  "You are NOT a ROCK STAR...YOU ARE A ROCK GOD!"  Isn't that a little blasphemous?  Just a titch irreverent?

Paula said that Adam was "a whole lot of perfect".  Hello!  Isn't that what I've been saying for weeks?  Perfect Adam this, perfect Adam that.  

Simon:  Simon said that the biggest problem with Adam's song was that no one would be able to top it.   Simon proved once again to be prophetic.  

(Terrible picture of Adam, terrible)  

And did anyone notice Adam's EYES last night?  Wish I could find a close up of those eyes...with the green underliner and his azure blue eyes accented perfectly with the dark black hair.  Stunning really.  I mean I'm not a fan of makeup on men, but for Whole Lot of Perfect Adam, it works.


(I swear there were big blue streaks in her hair)  

ALLISON.  Whoa!  Now her hair is pinker, longer and has BLUE STREAKS.  She revealed that she went to Adam's hairdresser.  Silly na├»ve girl.  Doesn't she realize that Adam's hairdresser probably isn't trying to make one of his rivals look good?!  However, Allison's performance was really good.  She continues to blow me away for her age.  But speaking of age, I don't mean to be a broken record, but she just looks so old.  I don't know why, but it makes me kind of sad.  

Judges Table:

Randy:  "Yo, Allison, check it.  Didn't like the song choice."  Picky picky.

Kara:  "Uh, your performance was ok but I didn't see your personality in the performance.  Not much originality.".  Duh Karla...Simon's been telling her that for weeks. Just a bit too copycatish with the feedback.

Paula:  "Fearless".   Paula, fearless?  Did we say "fearless"?  Don't know about that one.

Simon: " Staggering, terrific vocal, not much originality!"  Ahem, see what I mean?  Kara needs to quit being such a Simon wannabee.  


(Danny and Kris...Kris starting to look really sad)  

Duet time:  Okay, am I the only one who hated this idea?  Like really really hated it.  I don't care how good any of them were, well except for Adam and Allison who together were truly far out and in a league of their own.  But back to the first duet...Kris and Danny.  Is it me, or are those two starting to look like identical twins?

I can't even bother with the me it seemed like a giant space killer.  The producers are now guilty of unoriginality, as well as not being able to keep the show going in a timely fashion as it once again went over time and my DVR recording finished before the actual show.

Simon was brutal when he said that Danny was better than Kris.  

(Kris, trying just a little too hard)  

KRIS:  Kris looked all dejected and sad.  Where's is Linus's blanket when you need it?  He didn't wike what wittle Simon said when he said that Wanny was wetter than Wris.  

Poor Wris.... I just wanted to wrap him in my arms and give him a big giant hug.

Kris sang Come Together.  He didn't.  And after he didn't, Kris admitted to wanting to pee in his pants when singing next to Stash (what kind I'm wondering).  That kid needs some adult diapers and quick!  We don't need yet another accident on the stage!

Judges Table:

Randy:  "Uh, you, uh, you sang dude.  You sang".  Randy woosed out.

Kara:  "Not a great performance." If she leans over any farther with those pouty lips, Sheldon the Wonderhorse might get excited.

Paula:  "I liked it".  (What a surprise.)

Simon: " It was like eating ice for lunch.  Leaves you with nothing to remember afterwards.  Boring song."  My thoughts exactly!). Simon continues..."Let me remind you that I said that Adam's performance was unbeatable and I'm right".

Kris looked droopy and sad.  If I didn't love Simon so much, I'd say he should be charged with child abuse.


(Ugghhh!  My poor wittle ears!)  

DANNY:  Dream On...I would have liked to have been dreaming but then some horrible murderous vile screaming entered the living room and I was startled awake.  What was that?  Did someone put on a rerun of Psycho?  Once again Simon and I were right on track.  Simon said listening to the last note was like watching a horror movie.  I was nodding my head vehemently in agreement.  I had images of that poor Janet Leigh Psycho lady being stabbed in the shower at the Motel 6.

Danny will be safe due to the Darling Danny factor.  There's jut something so appealing about him, even when he's shrieking and looks terribly uncomfortable with the whole hot rocker routine.  But those last set of notes.  Painful, really painful.  

I can’t even do the Judge’s Table on Danny.  My ears were clogged.  I didn’t hear what they said, but I’m pretty sure they agreed with me.  

The evening mercifully ended with the Allison/Adam duet that saved Allison's hide.

(Allison thanking Adam for saving her sweet 17 year old tush)  

Judge's Table:  

Randy:  "That was the bong!"  Randy still has 420 on the brain.

Kara:  "ROCK GOD!"  ROCK GODDESS!!"  Sorry but the woman needs to stop pointing like that.  She was scaring me.  (Oh she was pleased with herself for that line.  Got all flushed, spit it out and leaned back in her chair, all perked up with some kind of titillation...from what I don't know...perhaps the sound of her own voice).

Paula:  Gush.  Gush.  "A perfect marriage!"   Geez, why can't people accept that Adam is GAY!  First of all, he lives in California where ironically homophobia runs rampant and the majority of Californians don't think that Adam should be married ever.  No perfect marriage in Adam's near future.   Unless he marries Allison.  Where I come from, this wouldn't be called "marriage",  it'd be called statutory rape.

Recap within the recap:  It's getting down to the wire.  The excitement is building!  Who is the country going to vote for?  WHO WILL BE THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL?  WHO WILL STAY?  WHO WILL GO?

The answer seems so obvious. A no brainer.  Right?

Well, just remember.  This is the same country that elected Bush for 2 terms.  ANYTHING is possible when the decision is left at the hands of the American public.  Let's just hope that more blue states vote than red.


And before I go, I hate to say this Kris, but on tonight’s result show, America will be saying, NIGHTY NIGHT.

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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote May 6, 2009
    • Ok so Kris was saved 1 more week. But I think Danny will be gone before Kris.... my take!

      ADAM DOING ROBERT PLANT! Crazy, who does he think he is? Does he actually think he could measure up to THE rock god?
      I will say that his version of WHole Lotta Love was much better than Heart’s. But come on... we‘re talking a LED ZEPPELIN tune. NO ONE does Zep like the real thing.... It’s not like an Elvis impersonator getting away doing Elvis (no disrespect to The King). Robert Plant has crazy vocals live or taped.
      Ok I’m off my rant.... BTW I was the girl cutting class in 8th grade to get tickets to see Led Zeppelin. While my religion studies may have lacked then my rockology did not.
      Also Slash is an awesome musician....

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