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When I decided to write this blog about crying, I really didn’t know which category to place it in.  Other?  Menopause? Self improvement?  This subject probably has a right place anywhere.

I cry.  I cry when I am angry.  I cry when I am sad.  I cry when I am happy.  I cry when I see someone else cry.  I cry when I am afraid or anxious.  It is as if the act of crying became an emotion in and of itself.  How are you?  I am crying, thanks, and yourself?    

My husband has gotten used to it.  This habit especially affects my 25 year old son.  “Ma!  get mad!  Get pissed! Stop crying!  You drive me crazy when you cry“!    

As I was getting ready for bed last night, I was reflecting on the level of personal insanity which my family has endured in the last year. Health issues, financial crises, job losses, custody problems.  Hmm, normally, just the thought of these things would make me cry.  

Wait a cotton-pickin’ minute.  I am not crying.  In fact, I cannot remember the last time I did.

In retrospect, I have not cried for a good 4 months now. Hold the fort.  I still have a pulse.  I still have emotion.  I still deeply care. What happened to me?  To what do I owe to this wierd shift?

The only thing I can muster is that my meditations have been more spiritually intense.  I have more clarity and focus.  It is as if I have been able to compartmentalize my life “stuff” in little boxes where they rightfully belong.  

I acknowledged the fact that most “emotions” are fear driven.  When I perhaps thought I was angry about something, I realized I was fearful of the outcome, and not really angry at all.  In my meditations, I stared hard at fear.

What is there to be fearful of?  Here I sit.  I am breathing in and out.  There is no roof caving in on me at this moment.  Ah Hah!  Fear, then must be 2 things:

1:  The recalling of past negative experiences, and
2:  The projection of negativity on future experiences.

Right now there is nothing but the act of being.  

Right now, I AM.

Right now, You Are.  

Just the thought of this growth makes me want to cry.

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