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I have had such a hard time being myself through life. Maybe it's because I've always wanted to feel accepted and I have felt afraid that if I were my true self I wouldn't be accepted. Not that there is anything major wrong with who I am, it's just that I have always been afraid of someone seeing my faults. I'm not sure if this all stems from my childhood or not.
I have no friends at all. I have had a couple in the last 25 years but one of them passed away and the other just faded away. It's hard in a big city to meet other women. Everyone seems so busy with their own lives or they have their own set of friends already in place. I do work 3 days a week but it's for a very small company. There is a lady that I work with but she seems she's not interested in having a friendship and she's the one that hired me.
I have the most wonderful husband any woman could ask for. It's just that sometimes I need and want the "girl time" to talk about silly things women talk about or to hear a different opinion other than my husbands.
I went to the doctor yesterday for my annual physical and there was something abnormal on the EKG. I have an appointment set up for next Tuesday for a stress test. I don't mind telling you I'm really scared that something serious is wrong. I know it is only human nature sometimes to think the worse in these situations but I feel I have good reason. My older brother passed away 2 years ago of a heart attack. My other brother, who is 18 months older than me, has had 2 heart attacks. I have not taken the best care of myself throughout the years (you're seeing my faults) I don't eat right, I don't exercise, and I have smoked for 35 years!! I've been telling myself "what do you expect" a body can't keep being abused this way and nothing happen.
I'm not sure what the doctors are going to find out but regardless my life has to change. I know it's going to be the hardest thing I have ever done and I will start with baby steps and pray the steps get bigger and easier along the way.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings.....I know I'm kind of all over the place.
Well you forgot to mention that you‘re HUMAN!!!!
I’m sure we all have felt insecurity before. I know I have and sometimes still do. Then I come to this wonderful site and realize I’m not alone. So we will be here to listen or help somehow. I know it’s not the same as hanging out with someone. Sometimes I think it’s better actually since I can turn off my computer if I disagree with an opinion.
Now to meet women.... Meetups.com, new neighbors.org and volunteering are great ways to meet people. Events at your local community center or library are also good.
I will be keeping you in my prayers about your tests. It’s easy to say don’t worry until you have something to worry about but I know I would too. So stay active in the meantime to keep your mind busy.
As for how you got there.... we‘re not judging! We will either support you while you make changes or don’t make changes.
Just hang tough!
Vikki took the words right out of my mouth.
Another great way to meet people is to go take a class. Sign up for an evening crafting class or something. Take a ceramics class, whatever floats your boat. If you take a class in something that really interests you, right away you know you have a common interest with the people there.
Thank you ladies for all the advise and kind words.
Actually I’ve been trying to find a knitting class in my area. I think I may have found one that is not to far from where I live.
I didn’t even think about the libraries 
Well I went for my test today and will get the results in a week or two. I really don’t think that it’s anything serious. I was told there was a very mild abnormality on the EKG and could have shown up on the healthiest person but they have to check and make sure.
I’m going to my first knitting group tomorrow night....I’m so excited!
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