Usually when someone calls you an angel it should make you feel good about yourself, right?  However, I have been called an angel by two ex boyfriends within the last three months and it has really hurt my feelings.  I know, I know, that doesn’t make sense, right? Well, let me explain....  

Years ago when I first met this particular guy he was getting over a very, very painful divorce.  At the time, he was in so much pain about his failed marriage that he couldn’t even speak his first wife’s name aloud.  He was the father of two beautiful children and I could see the hurt in his eyes whenever he would talk about his kids and former marriage with me.

As a boyfriend, he was a very affectionate and attentive man however his moods would sometimes fluctuate between cheerful and solemn/depressed.  After we dated for about three years it was clear to me that he wasn’t read for another marriage (of course which I desired) and that he needed time to focus on his own healing.  Therefore, I exited the relationship.  

The irony about this relationship is that we both loved and respected each other immensely.  We loved each other at a very deep soul level yet we never even dared to say those scary three words, “I love you.”  I even think my unconditional love for him and concern for his healing allowed me to take leadership to exit the relationship without any regrets, feelings of rejection and/or ill feelings.  This guy was a wonderful man to date and my time with him was great, however we both knew that long-term we weren’t meant to be together.We mutually agreed to separate and I still considered him my friend.

Recently, I ran into him and we talked about our graduating kids and current lives. I congratulated him on his new marriage to this wonderful woman and the birth of his new baby boy. He thanked me and then proceeded to tell me that his ability of experience love and be open again for marriage came as a result of time with me.  He told me that I was ” an angel and helped healed his heart for love again.”

Ironically, my last most recent boyfriend (the one that I still love dearly and was convinced that he was my husband) told me a few months ago that I needed to move on from our relationship but he believed that I was also  “his angel.”  He broke up with me saying that he wasn’t ready for a relationship because of his recent divorce two years ago yet I recently discovered that he may be marrying another woman. I am devastated!!!!!  

OK Ladies....is it just me???!!!???  While being called an angel that is normally a compliment doesn’t feel so flattering?  Both men hurt my feelings (even though I still love one of them and not the other).  Even though I am happy about my old ex’s new family  (I am not quite there with the other one) the statements both reinforce some type of feeling like “Why didn’t I become the wife instead of the angel??? What was wrong with me????!!!???

Let me ask this....Did either one of these men think this declaration would make me feel good?  I remember thinking to myself when I heard the statement both times, "Well if I was your angel what exactly were you to me? Are you saying that God only used me to prepare you to love another and to leave me here as a lonely, single woman? Do you mean that my hurt was at the expense of your happiness? Well sirs.... I am glad to have been of use to you!!!!!      

I know this is not the right attitude to have but for some reason those comments did not make me feel good AT ALL. I am really hurt.  

I certainly think that God uses people as willing vessels to bring people closer to love.  However, does that mean that I am also closer to my love supreme as well?  It doesn’t feel like it.  

Perhaps I was an angel for both of these men and I thank God for the opportunity to experience both relationship and the love.  But there is also a part of me that feels that sometimes life can be very lonely place for even an earthly angel on duty.  

I pray that God continues to use me how He sees fit.  Being called an angel is the greatest honor but I must admit, life gets a little lonely without companionship.  

In the meanwhile, I will work hard not to lean on my own understanding but trust the will of God.  I also pray that God will soon send my angel to me!