Ever since i lost my father to cancer 6 years ago, i’ve been searching for a way to accept my mortality.  Not that i’m in any kind of hurry, but when the time comes i want to handle the dying part with grace.  I’ve been all over the map with my thinking...from taking the agnostic approach to death to examining my faith and looking for reinforcement that there IS a better place after this life on earth.  I’m not preoccupied with dying but i certainly know it’s something i WILL do and the impact it will have on my children is also a concern.  Right after my father died, i told my husband that i didn’t want the kids to be with me when i drew my last breath.  I was feeling very protective at that point because it was the single saddest moment of my life, watching and feeling the life leave my father.  Since then, i have come to respect that the needs of my children will trump what my need or desire to protect them.  I will be gone and they will still be here, dealing with their feelings of grief and loss.  I cannot dictate to them how to behave or feel during such a difficult time.

Watching cancer take my father from me bit by bit was simply horrifying and heartbreaking.  If it is a terminal illness that claims my life, i want to give my children what they need in my final days.  Randy Pausch ([Link Removed] ) is an incredible hero who left a priceless legacy for his family.  I want to be that for myself and my family.

Perhaps i am getting somewhere because i am far less fearful now of the idea that i’m going to die than i was 6 years ago.  Perhaps i’m simply getting more used to the idea, perhaps i’m feeling less uncertain about what is “after” life, perhaps i’m getting tired of thinking about it and have become complacent...for now.  

I’ve definitely become more aware of what i want out of my LIFE and more invested in acquiring the happiness i desire.  As my father would say, “Happiness is an inside job.”  Part of my happiness is finding the peace and contentment that comes with a higher understanding of who i am and what my purpose is in life...and fulfilling my purpose while i’m here.

Daphne, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.