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Thank you to a wonderful friend, Melissabelle, for suggesting to me to write a quick blog about my experience yesterday. I was going to just write it off as another bad day, but decided what the heck, why not vent!
There have been quite a few long and very stressful, and at times almost unbearable events in the lives of myself, hub and our son, ongoing for the last three years.
Hub and I came very close to divorce two years ago because of my extensive health issues, not that he would not and did not support me and take care of me, but because I experienced a complete mental breakdown, something I am not proud of, but landed me in the hospital two times. It was a horrible time, but through the grace of God, my family and medication, I am now a more together person.
Our son has had his bouts with depression, anxiety, break-ups with girlfriends, not sure of his place in this world, alcohol abuse, and utter sadness. He has gone through therapy, made changes, is looking towards the future and found his strength through physical fitness and nutrition.
Yesterday, son and I had to go to an area that not only was upsetting to me, but I felt as though I was losing control of my senses again. I kept thinking, what the hell is wrong with me? I felt claustrophic, disoriented, just not right. I was having a panic attack...so many people all over the place, buildings all crammed in together, trash laying all over...it was too much for me.
It made me realize that in time, no matter what, I have to move on and find a place that I can live in and be peaceful. I am waiting for the day that hub can retire and we can move on. I know this sounds stupid to people, but I can’t flourish in a place that just makes me feel sick, sad, lonely and depleted. I am just biding my time and trying to find beauty in what I make of it...volunteering, giving to others, taking care of my pets, loving nature, etc.
Please in no way am I putting down city life, some people love city life, I do not. To me it feels as though someone has tied a noose around my neck and pulling it tighter and tighter every year that I live here.
But, I will go on and continue to find happiness in the little things that I can find and make a plan for the future and pray the Lord keeps all of us strong and healthy. That is the best for now.
Thanks for reading.
Mary.
I know all too well about anxiety and panic lately, too many changes in my life, and not good ones. I hope you are ok... if you want to talk, I’m here...
Mary, I don’t have the same situation, but I can relate. And welcome to the shady side of town we all don’t want to see first hand, but it will haunt us when we do. I hope your son will decide he’s got it made having family unlike so many with none down there in ghetto town.
Cathie
OMG Mary! I can totally relate! I experienced a huge health diagnosis 3 years ago. I find each day a challenge. I do not like living in my big city, but will hang on until my daughter graduates or I find a job elsewhere that has the resources my daughter and I need.
Are you really stuck until your hubby retires? You look so young in your photo that I feel that the retirement is many years down the road.
Please feel free to vent anytime you want to. You are a valued and cherished friend.
Thank you all so much for being here, it is a comfort to know that while each of our lives are different, we still have a lot in common.
Anne, I will be 50 next month!
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