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Thank you to a wonderful friend, Melissabelle, for suggesting to me to write a quick blog about my experience yesterday.  I was going to just write it off as another bad day, but decided what the heck, why not vent!

There have been quite a few long and very stressful, and at times almost unbearable events in the lives of myself, hub and our son, ongoing for the last three years.

Hub and I came very close to divorce two years ago because of my extensive health issues, not that he would not and did not support me and take care of me, but because I experienced a complete mental breakdown, something I am not proud of, but landed me in the hospital two times.  It was a horrible time, but through the grace of God, my family and medication, I am now a more together person.

Our son has had his bouts with depression, anxiety, break-ups with girlfriends, not sure of his place in this world, alcohol abuse, and utter sadness.  He has gone through therapy, made changes, is looking towards the future and found his strength through physical fitness and nutrition.

Yesterday, son and I had to go to an area that not only was upsetting to me, but I felt as though I was losing control of my senses again.  I kept thinking, what the hell is wrong with me?  I felt claustrophic, disoriented, just not right.  I was having a panic many people all over the place, buildings all crammed in together, trash laying all was too much for me.

It made me realize that in time, no matter what, I have to move on and find a place that I can live in and be peaceful.  I am waiting for the day that hub can retire and we can move on.  I know this sounds stupid to people, but I can’t flourish in a place that just makes me feel sick, sad, lonely and depleted.  I am just biding my time and trying to find beauty in what I make of it...volunteering, giving to others, taking care of my pets, loving nature, etc.

Please in no way am I putting down city life, some people love city life, I do not.  To me it feels as though someone has tied a noose around my neck and pulling it tighter and tighter every year that I live here.  

But, I will go on and continue to find happiness in the little things that I can find and make a plan for the future and pray the Lord keeps all of us strong and healthy.  That is the best for now.

Thanks for reading.


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