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Q & A

over the past year my boyfriend has been secretly masterbating at least 3 times a week, or sex life is almost nothing, I have walked in on him, he tries to hide it, denies it, and won’t talk to me about it. I find his lube creams, cock rings. and towels stashed in all kinds of places thought the house and garage, i feel inadequate, and depressed, i exercise, maintain a good weight and try to look good for him, I don’t know what to do, does anyone know what I’m going through,or have any suggstions.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Mar 17, 2009
    • While i have no personal experience in this area, i most definitely have an opinion.

      First, let me tell you that your boyfriend’s “love life” with himself has NOTHING to do with you or your weight!  That’s the difficult part of dealing with a situation like the one you‘re in...it’s not personal in nature, but it’s VERY personal in experience.

      I am of the opinion that anyone who chooses his/her hand over his/her mate has some deep-seeded issues.  It’s probably not something he can figure out on his own and if he’s willing to seek counseling, RUN to the phone and make the appointment.  

      Practically speaking, get a laundry basket and tell him that he MUST place his “love laundry” in it and wash it himself.  The more you allow him to deny what you KNOW he is doing, the longer it will go on and the deeper the resentment will become.  EVERY time you find “evidence” put it in front of him.  I don’t think you’ll have to say anything, your point will be made simply by placing the evidence before him.  

      Finally, is this relationship worth saving? If so, please know that it’s going to take a lot of work.  If not, maybe the simpler/quicker solution might be to cut your losses and be gone.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Mar 17, 2009
    • Damn girl I wish I knew..If it were me I know I would lean towards him cheating on you..Your probably thinking how did I get that from what you said.. Ok if he is cheating on you with another woman she is probably not happy with the fact that he is still with you and sleeping in the same bed...so it stands to reason that he would be hornier than usual because he is in a new relationship and I am sure they enjoy the sneaking around..So to be true to her he is abstaining from sex with you by jacking off..Now to the best of my knowledge a cock ring is used to prolong an organism ...I would say he is using them with her..Why would you want to prolong a jack off..Anyway that's what I would think..Especially if the two of you are not having sex...Men do not go long without sex and they would much rather have it with a woman than a towel and lotion...IMHO..I hope I am wrong...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Mar 17, 2009
    • I am no expert here but have you asked him straight out what’s going on? What was his response? Did he try blaming you somehow? What does he do for a living? Is there a lot of stress and pressure? More than before?
      There was a question on here about porn you should check out and see if any of it applies to him.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rebecca Deos wrote Mar 17, 2009
    • Guys masterbate. Even if they are having an active sex life, they still masterbate.

       Yes, they deny it. From the time they are little, they are told that touching touching themselves in that way is gross, so they will deny it to the end.

       The masterbating has nothing to do with you, and is more than likely a different issue than your lack of intimacy. If you confuse or make both issues into one, you will never get to the bottom of what is actually going on.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Mar 17, 2009
    • I actually went through something very similar, I too felt very inadaquate and had very low self-esteem because of it. First of all it has nothing to do with you, either he is having an affair or he has some deep issues that maybe he can’t explain himself. If he is not willing to go to counseling then you may have to consider leaving him until he is willing to seek out help. Maybe he doesn’t understand how much this is hurting you, unless he is having an affair. Why would he need to use a ring to prolong masterbation? Unfortunately no matter what you do, you can’t fix this, you need to focus on yourself now and make some decisions. Is the relationship worth saving? Does he fulfill your emotional needs and treat you with love and respect? Me personally I had to leave and I am so much better for it today. Good luck.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rebecca Deos wrote Mar 17, 2009
    • Guys use cockrings for masterbation because it restricts blood flow and causes a more intense orgasm.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Mar 17, 2009
    • I was married to a man who had this problem and it is a psychological problem. He needed pornagraphy to become arroused and he would disappear by himself often. I confronted him on it and he got help. He went to a 12 step group for the issue and he went to counseling. It has nothing to do with you, trust me. Please don’t feel inadequate.

      At first he wouldn’t get help. I went to counseling and talked about it. My counselor found the resources for him and he agreed to go.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Mar 17, 2009
    • pm me. I have an idea.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rebecca Deos wrote Mar 17, 2009
    • If masterbation is a psychological problem, then 95 percent of men and 90 percent of women suffer from it. There is NO independent evidence that shows otherwise.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Darby wrote Mar 17, 2009
    • I have to agree with Rebeccadeos - that masturbation is normal.  And him masturbating doesn’t mean he isn’t attracted to you or has any problem.  

      My first advice is to talk to him about it  - ask him why he is masturbating but not sexual with you.  

      There might be many reasons he is doing it...

      from personal experience - I am not a morning sex kind of person and many men are - so men I have been with have masturbated in the morning because I don’t like morning sex.  

      maybe he fantasizing about something but nervous to tell you so just masturbates to the visuals in his head instead.

      and frankly sometimes guys just don’t want to go through the work of foreplay and such so it is easier for them to masturbate - sad but true. Or they don’t want to “bother” us. They think that them wanting sex bugs us women.  Again something to talk to him about and work out solutions.  

      I don’t think mastrubation means he has a deep-seeded problem at all. To me it shows he is having sexual activity - now you guys need to discuss how to bring that sexual activity together.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kduncan wrote Mar 17, 2009
    • AAAALLLLLL men masturbate, my husband and I had a very healthy sex life for years...he even masturbated then...and he is not phsyco...just an asshole.  

       There were times I would not be in the mood, or whatever and he would “take care of business on his own“...its no big deal. It is better for a man to masturbate than to not.  Their body requires the release.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Mar 17, 2009
    • Materbating IN PLACE of sex with your partner most definitely IS a psychological problem.  Yes, men and women masterbate but it is NOT healthy or normal to get all or nearly all your sexual gratification through masterbation.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenni0811 wrote Mar 17, 2009
    • I agree that masturbating has absolutely nothing to do with ANY THING ELSE.....especially you. Men are more able to simply “do” what is necessary without attaching any emotional/mental attachment....this does not necessarily, and probably not at all, involve his feelings for you.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Mar 18, 2009
    • I am writing this Anonymous because it was and is very embarrassing...I was married to a man for almost 5 yrs. who masturbated all the time and openly..This problem (and it was a problem) started about 2 yrs into the marriage. I am sure it was going on long before I caught on..We didn't have a lot of pre marital sex so I just figured at first he was not sure of himself...after the first year we hardly had any sex, I think during our marriage I seen his penis 10 times..and the only sex he wanted was anal...I don't mind having anal sex but it has to be when I want it..He started raping me in my sleep because I refused to do that..He never in all our marriage had oral sex  or allowed me to. He may have touched my breasts 10 times in almost 5 yrs..Now I tried to get him help and I confronted him often..He never denied it..After awhile he didn't even try to hid it and Me or my son could randomly walk through the house and fine him sitting there at the computer jacking off..Day time ..Night time..It didn't matter..He would lay in bed next to me and jack off..I had a friend of mine go through his computer's hard drive and found he was always looking at very young girls doing girl on girl stuff..I would say they were barely 18...There is a lot more to this story..But my advice to you is Make him get Help..or leave him..There is "NOTHING NORMAL" about a grown man jacking off when he has a woman in the home who wants to sexually be active..The occasional time here and there is "Normal" I did seek counseling and I was told he had deep seeded issues..I booted his ass out ASAP...Good Luck




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Herich wrote Mar 18, 2009
    • there’s nothing wrong with masterbating.
      but if it’s at the expense of your sex life, I’d guess he’s hiding something.




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