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anonymous Anonymous

Q & A

Anyone have advice for me? I am seeing another man to fill the passion absent from my marriage. He fulfills the passion but now I’m missing the romance. I mentioned this to my secret man and he says that if there was romance, we’d both be in trouble as he is also married and we would both be faced with wanting to leave our spouses.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Nov 2, 2008
    • you need to leave that secret man.. its just wrong.. you made a vow to your husband..

      you need to talk to your husband about the things you are missing in your marriage, and fix it.. nothing ever good has come from ” seeking elsewhere ”

      i will keep you in prayer...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Darla5 wrote Nov 2, 2008
    • You Know...

      This is a really sore topic with me. As I was the woman at home that was cheated on with my first husband. I know in my heart that I was a good wife, mother, housekeeper, I can hold my own on hanging from the chandlier in the bedroom on and on.

      There have been so many post this week and weeks before about cheating. If you have been on this site very long, I cannot believe that you could read how many women have been hurt and continue with this behavior.

      It is wrong. As one lady said on here... Men cannot cheat unless we women allow them too. That is cheat with them.

      How would you feel if it was your husband that was doing what you were doing? At our age, we should know better.

      In an affair someone always gets hurt. DO NOT FOOL YOURSELF!!!

      YOu know ...Good Character is defined by what you do when noone is looking.

      I pray that you get some wisdom from God, from this site, Somewhere. I believe in my heart you know what you are doing is wrong.

      Confidence comes from a sense of pride. You can hold your head up high. Knowing that you are trying to do the best possible for yourself and for your family and friends. Girl, this is not your best. You deserve better, your husband, family  his wife and family and so on deserve better.

      Please why not start today with making better choices. You will be so glad you did and  you can look that woman in the mirror without feeling any shame. The woman in the mirror will be your friend.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Nov 2, 2008
    • Well, I knew I was in the right place to ask this question because I knew that I would get the help I seek. I would feel lousy and be immensely hurt if my husband were the one doing the cheating. I know I want my marriage to remain intact and I know that if he ever found out he would be devastated. He is a good man and does not deserve this. There have been so many things about this affair that I don’t like but continue to get caught up in the feeling good part. My husband and I used to have great sex so I know it’s possible. I need to focus my energy on him. I’ve been so caught up in this affair. It has taken so much of my energy for 5 months. I’ve asked myself more than once, “what am I doing??“. I need to end it. Darla, I don’t recognize the woman I see in the mirror and I want to like her again.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Nov 2, 2008
    • Darla, I just re-read your post and it made me cry. Thank you for telling me what I needed to hear. I’m smiling through my tears as I’m writing this. I’ve decided to end the affair. We communicate primarily through email on my blackberry and I sent him an email telling him it was over.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Nov 2, 2008
    • Stay strong, and know that we will be here to encourage and uplift you! im so very glad to hear you say its over! God Bless you, and i will continue to keep you in prayer
      Blessings
      Linni




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Darla5 wrote Nov 2, 2008
    • Anonymous,

      There is a great book called ,The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and Love is a Decision by Gary Smalley. I encourage you to read these books.

      Girl, Romantic love needs to deny and overlook flaws. BUT, mature love sees the faults in ourselves and in the ones we love and is capable of loving flawed  people.

      We need to give ourselves permission to be human, to try and to stumble, to be momentarily weak and feel shame but to overcome that SHAME with moments of STRENGTH AND COURAGE AND GENEROSITY.

      We need to learn to define ourselves not by our worst moments but by our more typical ones.

      None of us are error free. Please you owe it to yourself to invest in the relationship you have already. You have been with this man five months? You said your husband is a good man. Please take this next five months and invest all your time in energy in him and then see where you will be 6 months from now. I guarantee you, you will have a new marriage and a great deal of self esteem.

      I would love to hear from you and your progress. I wish you the best ...as for me...I would change my blackberry number first thing in the morning. Pretty soon out of sight will be out mind.

      I truly wish you the best!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Nov 3, 2008
    • Anon...I’m so glad you decided to end things with ‘the other man‘...I was also on the other side...my ex-husband cheated and he is now married to the woman and catching hell for his choices..(The Grass Is Not Always Greener On The Other Side)...I posted a blog yesterday (friends forever?...ahhh maybe not!!!)to do with the same topic, Thank God I’m not the woman cheating, but it still affects me all the same...

      This world seems to be more and more devoid of moral values and I can’t for the life of me figure out why...Glad you made the right choice though...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Darla5 wrote Nov 3, 2008
    • Soulful,   Your story reminds me of that Tyler Perry movie. I cannot think of the name. It is about  4 couples being married. Have you seen it??? One of the jerks marries the girl he was seeing on the side,at the end he was paying dearly and his ex wife moved on to a total hotty.  Grass is not greener on the other side. It has to be mowed also.

      If they will cheat with you , they will cheat on you... This holds true from what I have witnessed.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Nov 3, 2008
    • darla...why did i get married?...lol...that’s the name of the movie...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shopgirl1960 wrote Nov 3, 2008
    • Dear Anon,

      Every time any person I have ever known personally cheated, something terrible ended up happening. It would take forever to tell you every single story. But, I will tell you a couple. One person I knew and loved very much cheated on their spouse. Within a short period of time they lost their twin. They were never the same, since they were the very best of friends.
      Another person I worked with had an affair with one of our
      bosses. He ended up fired, they ended up married. She didn’t know what she got into. Lordy be she paid over and over again for cheating with this man. He had so many bills from their first marriage, and then everything kept going wrong with their houses. Their money never got caught up. Their lives became a financial disaster.It never ever ended! EVER! She was always having to work as many 12 hour days as she could, as well as weekends.
      Also, after five or less years she began to complain that he had gotten fat,....yadda,yadda,yadda.  

      What I would say to you is that if you have a GREAT guy,for heaven’s sake keep him! It may be a very long time before you find someone who REALLY is a nice person!!!

      I wish you the very,very best!!!!!

      Please let us know how things are going in the days to come.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Darla5 wrote Nov 3, 2008
    • Shopgirl... I think that is what we call Karma!!!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Nov 3, 2008
    • Darla, my husband and I have both read The 5 Love Languages but not Love is a Decision. I will get a hold of that book. I appreciate all of your input and I promise to update as time goes on.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • I want to contact him. I guess that feeling will ease with time. I still think about him constantly. :(




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Dec 31, 2008
    • I just had to respond...Anonymous you are right, unless you have been the one to have the affair it is hard to understand. I too have had a couple of affairs without my husband knowing...(one with a married man, whose wife found out and it ended heart brokenly for me and the other with a single man who was more company then a love interest) I have really tried to do a lot of soul searching to determine what brought me to this place...I too am not ready to leave my husband, there is too much security, too many family ties and too much hurt for him, (for he is clueless). It has taught me many things and has actually taught me to be braver and more open with my husband...(he contributes the new me to menopause) I am a good person, with needs and probably a lot of insecurities...I feel more attractive now in more 4o’s then I ever had and enjoy the attention, and would love that attention from my husband but it is not a part of his personality and after 28 years I don’t think he will change. All you other bloggers are right, affairs hurt a lot of people and it is that one point that keeps me ever so careful. I often think about my husband and I respect the life we have built, but the passion is definitely lacking... I am still working on it  with him...but for others it just comes so much more easily...it is not my husband’s fault, it is just who he is. Sometimes I feel we started out on the same road but somewhere during our life’s journey the road split, we are still traveling but not always together. For all these years I have given and given to my family without any regards to my own needs as a woman. Is it so wrong to want to be on the receiving end before I get too old to enjoy it? My kids are gone and for the most part so is my husband. There is nothing more exhilarating and defining to me as the undivided attention and adoration of a man who appreciates the beauty of being me. In all honesty I hope to one day find that with my husband again.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Jan 24, 2009
    • your reply to slatrn is way off base.  people cheat because of something missing within themselves not because of their partner.  no one person is ever responsible-marriage is about trust and staying together thru thick and thin...so you are very cruel in blaming slatrn for her husband’s infidelity if there was one. her pain at the betrayal is understandable...hang in there slatrn. time heals all wounds...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Mar 5, 2009
    • I am feeling so many of the things you do.  I am flirting with the idea of an affair with my first love.  Someone I haven’t seen in over 20 years.  We recently reconnected and feelings have stirred.  We were very young when things ended and were just too immature at the time to take it to the next level.  Like you my husband is a good man, but for most of our marriage I have been the one trying to make it work.  He has hurt me many times, so much lack of attention throughout our almost 18 year marriage and I once found very questionable things on his computer which made we wonder about his sexual orientation.  This other man is also married and more miserably than my own.  I am at a crossroads.  I always told my husband that if I had the intention to cheat on him I would leave first, but that is not as easy as it sounds.  Yes I have invested all these years of my life, but I feel like I am the one who did 90% of the investing.  I have spoke to him so many times throughout the years about the things that I feel.  He says that he loves me and he tries, but it is just not in him.  My problem is that I don’t know if I can compromise on what I need from a mate for the rest of my life.  Life goes by so quickly and we have one chance to go around.  I just feel like I need to feel happy.  I find so much happiness within myself, I am confident in who I am, I have hobbies and share friendships.  I just feel like that part of my life is lacking so much.  There comes a time when you just feel like enough is enough.  I would never want to hurt him, he doesnt deserve that, but I also feel like I deserve to live my life with joy.  That is something that has been lacking in our marriage for years.  It is mundane, and I have tried to spice it up time after time only to get nothing in return after the first couple of weeks.  Temporaryly changing is his specialty.  I guess I will have to decide sooner or later if it is worth it to stay, until then I am afraid I am going to be tempted to do something that goes against everything I believe in.  It’s not just about the sex, it is a deep connection that just is no longer there with my husband, one that has been missing for well over 10 years that I just cant seem to rekindle.

      Good luck ladies, hopefully luck will be on my side too.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mira66 wrote Apr 18, 2009
    • Thank you Darla! Well said.

      Anonymous: If you are not happy in your marriage find a way to be or end it! Put yourself in your spouses place and think of how you would feel.

      I wish you clarity!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Jan 23, 2012
    • my husband and i mutually accept an open marriage because of his illness




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