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Benefits
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Back to the question of is this being unfaithful? Woke up one morning, and saw my boyfriend’s (of 4 yrs) phone. He rarely leaves it anywhere other than in his pocket or in his car. I always wondered about that, so I took a look and found a saved text picture that a woman sent to him of herself naked in a provocative pose. That was sent NY eve. Another saved text asking for her address so he could send a birthday gift. I confronted him. He said it was sent by an accident to him. (saving it wasn’t an accident). This was a women that he met at a conference, they had dinner and supposedly that’s it. He said nothing happened and couldn’t answer why he would save the picture. I looked into his phone log and saw there have been maybe 100 or so text since May. A few picture exchanges etc. None in February from that one number though. He knows what he did is wrong, but doesn’t consider it cheating. I sure do. How to you deal with this when your partner doesn’t consider this cheating? He has also since changed his password on his phone log, so I can’t tell if there is contact. I know, that in itself doesn’t bode well.
I thought we had a strong relationship. He has had lots of stress over the past year or so regarding work and lack of and feel that has hit is ego! Maybe knowing this other woman found him attractive, flirty etc was pure ego driven? I always empathize with his situation. Honestly, we are fortunate to have what we do. We aren’t losing our homes, are healthy etc.I sometimes need to remind him of that.
Any insight would be helpful. I found this out a week ago and just don’t know what direction to go in. I have heard very little and would have thought there would have been more effort to fight for the relationship.
Wow, your email tell’s a lot about the relationship IMO. First you say he leaves his phone in his pants or car and you’ve always wondered about that. Well, now you know. And, IMO I think you should of known sooner by that action on his part. Over 100 text’s?? Saving pictures of this woman?? He received it by mistake?? I don’t buy any of it other than the part of “cheating“. You say you don’t know which way to go and that you have to “remind” him that things are good between you two, your not losing your homes, etc. It sounds one sided to me. I’ve been with men who have cheated on me more than once. This read’s “cheater” all over it. And you say you two have been dating for 4 years and have seperate homes. What does he do when your not around? (other than the obvious) To me the answer would be very easy. It sounds like you are making excuses for him by saying he’s had lot’s of stress. Who doesn’t now days? Only you can decide what you want to do about it but I think by the way you asked that you’ll let it go and stay with him. I also think you’ll continue to not trust him in the relationship. I don’t mean to be harsh but just honest with you. Good luck on whatever you decide.
I agree with Annie and Angela..... RUN and don’t look back!!!!
I would have to let him go. I couldn’t trust him after finding the messages and that photo of her he Saved on his phone. To me, this would be a clear indication of what the future is going to be and I can’t do that to myself.
Cathie
Run Forrest run ......
As Angel said you have seen the warning signs and why put up with that - what did he buy her for her birthday and what did you get off him ?
Ditto to all the above.
My trust would be gone and w/o that there is nothing!
Good luck to you!
Thanks for the input.
No, I by no means have made the decision to stay in the relationship. Quite the contrary.
Unfortunately, without writing a book, postings can be a little grey.
What a shame he made such a bad choice. which I know he deeply regrets. BUT I am a great catch and deserve better.
UKgirl - I asked if it was edible panties.hehehe. I did enjoy watching him squirm. He said it was just a card. He gave me 6 massages for my birthday. Might have to use one this week!
!
Ok Back it up. [add the sound effect of a car coming to a SCREECHING halt.]
You KNOW the answers to this and you KNOW you do. Forgive me in advance if I sound harsh. ’m saying this as gently as I can being that I have BEEN there.
It IS cheating and there is NOTHING more to say to him or ask him.
He also knows it's cheating. You both know that.
The relationship is no longer a relationship. The trust is gone, hence r-ship; poof. up in smoke. Don’t waste ANY time asking him questions he will never answer honestly anyway. Save your on dignity and run. Change your phone #.
Let him deal with whatever psychological warfare there might even be left by you refusing to even acknowledge that he exists.
Your life and time [not to mention your HEALTH] is valuable. Dont ruin it staying with him.
Best of luck to you. I KNOW it hurts but the sooner you get away from someone like that, the happier you will be, the stronger you will feel, and the sooner youll be with someone who really DOES know what honesty is all about.
xo!
My daughter asked me once, “Why don’t more women get out of bad relationships?” And I told her I think that once we’ve invested a lot of time and energy, we hate to throw it all away. And she said it’s the future that matters, not the past. So I guess I would invite you to envision the future you think you would have with this man. Would you be happy?
Personally I agree with Jen and say run, run, run.
Honey, if you don’t run now you are in for so much heart ache. And it gets harder and harder to leave. You already made excuses for his cheating and lying ways. I know this first hand. I also know hope is what your thinking. But by changing his pass code he’s saying I’m gonna cheat still and I don’t respect you.
RUN dump him so fast it will make his head swim. Don’t belittle yourself to be Anyones second or someone to be stepped on. Step up and step out NOW. You will regret it if you don’t
Best of luck and here for you
Hugs
Cris
I’m sorry, Squareone, I don’t see the “on the contrary” going on. But it is your choice alone to make. You asked us for our opinions and we stated them so you have a clear view of our standing on the subject.
I couldn’t give up 4 years of my life on a player boyfriend and I’m adventurous, just not a self-defeating woman. ;oD
Cathie
The votes have been tallied...Leave...there is nothing tying you to him to make it a complicated split...no marriage or worse kids to consider. I can speak from experience if you stay he will do it again.
@Anne E I loved your daughter’s comeback...I’ll take it as food for thought.
I agree that he is cheating. I have been through it and I know the signs. I have recommended this site www.survivinginfidelity.com before. It has support for people going through the same variation of what you are going through and you will see almost identical fact patterns to what you have posted above from thousands of posters. It is quite obvious what is going on.
It sounds to me like you are also making excuses for him. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and be an open book if your relationship is one he cares about and wants to save—*those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing* . That means access to his phone, etc. In my opinion, he has lost the right to “privacy” until he reestablishes your trust. If he cannot provide that openness, your relationship cannot survive.
There is no excuse in the world for what he did—poor ego, stress, etc. We all have that and we CHOOSE how we will act. He chose to disrespect you and your relationship. Don’t enable him to continue behaving this way or you will simply be doomed to repeat it. You are a great catch and you deserve someone who will treat you like one. So you have your home and your health—don’t you deserve someone loyal and honorable to share that with! Life is short! Believe me when I tell you that dealing with a cheater can destroy everything—health, financial security, self- esteem, etc. When people are selfish they hurt even those they care about.
I have saved my marriage. It took a lot of hard work and effort. But the first step is the cheater understanding he did something wrong and taking the steps to make sure it does not happen again—I recommend some couple counseling if you want to continue this relationship. Otherwise, maybe you should take a break to focus on you. It sounds like your partner is still in the “fog” and won’t be begging to save something he does not yet realize he is at risk of losing.
Holly, exactly! There’s nothing to stay with him for. Just the thought of a possibility of an STD from him would have me dumping him in a New York minute!
Cathie
Create lasting relationships
with other like minded women.
Ditto to what Eva has said. 