On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.  

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.  

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
spring-water.  

When she’d finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the
curtain rods.  

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.  

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at
first all was bliss.  

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.  

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents
were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.Air
fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off
gas canisters, during which time the two had t o move out for a few days,
and in the end th ey even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked!  

People stopped coming over to visit.  

Repairmen refused to work in the house.  

The maid q uit.  

Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and
decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they’d cut
their price in half - they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.  

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a
huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.  

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told
her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that
she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.  

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on
a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but
only if she would sign the papers that very day.  

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed
paperwork.  

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
moving company pack everything to take to their new home ....  

.. and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!  

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING!

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy  

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly underBoyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and FOOTBALL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?  

Signed,
___ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____
Reply  

DEAR Madam,  

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.  

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. Html and try to downloadTears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..  

However, remember, overuse of the above application can causeHusband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.  

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)  

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.  

Good Luck Madam!

I love Christmas!!

I just love the holiday season.  Others may decry it but for me it is the highlight of the year.  

My boys are older now, and some of the excitement has faded.  No more pressure to get a Christmas tree the day after Halloween, no more taking long cuts in department stores to avoid the toy section, no more school nativity plays and Christmas concerts and bake outs for class parties, no more watching the 25 days of Christmas on TBS every year  (Ok maybe I still do this).   But the Magic is still there.  

I love the way the entire town and neighbourhoods come to life with decorations and colour.  The bustle of people as they go about readying their homes for the holiday, the excitement of kids with their dreams and expectations of Christmas morning,  the family get-togethers to share moments and exchange gifts, the parties, events and  entire atmosphere.    

Most of all, I love the change that people tend to undergo this time of the year.   Almost everyone seems happier, friendlier and more social.  

What are your favorite things about the holiday season?

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.  This is not a trick question.  It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right. Few people do.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know.  She thought this guy was amazing.  She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.  A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

(Will Post Answer tomorrow)

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, ‘My dear child, why are you crying?’

   The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. ‘Is this your thimble?’ the Lord asked.

 The seamstress replied, ‘No.’

 The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires ‘Is this your thimble?’ the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, ‘No.’

 The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. ‘Is this your thimble?’ the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, ‘Yes.’

   The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her,

‘Why are you crying?’

  ‘Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!’

   The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

  ‘Is this your husband?’ the Lord asked.

  ‘Yes,’ cried the seamstress.

   The Lord was furious. ‘You lied! That is an untruth!’

   The seamstress replied, ‘Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.

  You see, if I had said ‘no’ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT‘S why I said ‘yes’ to George.’

And so the Lord let her keep him.

   The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

  That’s our story, and we‘re sticking to it.

  Signed,

All of us Women

All things considered I regard myself to be pretty frugal.    I am always ready to take advantage of a bargain,  I can never, ever  be swayed by peddlers and vendors or telemarketers selling wonder products, and I will penny pinch on the smallest of items, be it a stick of bubble gum or a tube of toothpaste.   In sum I will not buy it if I do not NEED it.  

My problem though is that very often tis the oddest of things that I find myself needing.  Usually these needs are not extravagant or prohibitive, but once they have been established in my head as a bona fide need they can become obsessive and very difficult to let go. Case in point, the bronze lipstick with tiny shimmers I saw in the department store a few months back.  I can't for the life of me imagine where I would wear such a thing, but for some reason I saw this as the missing item on my dresser and even when I persuaded myself to leave it behind I was so haunted by this need that I returned the very next day  to purchase this must have item.   Needless to say, I have never used the thing and cannot imagine why anyone else would either.  But for a tiny moment – point of purchase, or perhaps the moment of reveal on arriving home  – having this item made me so inexplicably happy.  

And so it is that every weekend as a part of Saturday routine I visit some of my favorite boutiques and department stores to see the most recent arrivals, admire the gowns and formal wear, and review the items on sale.   Every week I arrive at home with a small package containing a needed item (or two) that I could not leave behind.  Without any real control mechanism (complaining husband, or screaming bank) these little trysts of mine have been allowed to continue unchecked.    

But so what,  I tell myself, these excursions provide me something to look forward to  on the weekends and as long as I control the amounts spent, it will never be enough to put me in the poor house.  (I have set an upper limit on weekly spendings and Credit Cards  are never used for this purpose).

But lately, I have found that my needs are becoming increasingly ambitious.  

It started a few months ago when I begun having these pulses in the back of my mind telling me that I needed a new car.   Why? I wonder.  The one I have is perfectly fine,  Its handsome, stately, problem free  and gives better mileage that many of the newer models on the market.   Hoping to bring some balance to the issue, I mention the possibility of a new car to my teenage son.    With eyes all alit he ventured that "we" should either get a BMW or a Volvo.  He then volunteered (yep you heard me, volunteered)  to research the merits of both models and bring some more options to the table). No discussion as to need was required with this person.   So I called my brother.   The self proclaimed guardian of the clan and a person of higher reason.   After I listened to him rant for 20 minutes on the state of the economy, the merits of setting aside funds and the concept of "need"  I got the picture.  Right I said to myself as I gracefully backed away from the car issue.   Thanks for that bro, but I must go now before the shops close.  I have to get myself a new leather tote for work.  Heavens knows I really need it as the present one is looking rather ragged.

But worse, there are occasionally those needs that are just doggone irrational.

Just this past Saturday, for instance, while doing errands I ran into my cousin with her beautiful baby daughter.  As I held the little angel and took in the soft baby scents I again felt a tugging at the back of my mind (or maybe it was my ovaries) telling me odd things that I was not prepared to hear.   And why not, I thought, I already have two boys, what I really need is a daughter.    These thoughts continued to churn as I collected my dry-cleaning and completed my errands.  

But then as I entered my first boutique of the day and engrossed myself in the small luxuries of the moment my focus returned.   And in that moment the budding need that had clouded my mind earlier, (the one that would inextricably bond me for the next 18 years should I be bold enough to follow through)  dissipated.  And as it faded it was replaced by the small material things, (shiny, exquisite, fitting) that I know can always be relied on to impart moments of instant pleasure.  

(Note to self.. see Gyn about some more reliable/irreversible options!)