** Change **

   Wow what a word with so much meaning to it. We use that word in almost an everyday basic English. We have Change at work, Change at home, Change in relationships, Change in our children, Change in where we live, Change of moods, Change of  clothes.

  Change is all around us, yet most of us do not even notice it. I do, now. My daughter has changed and not  for the better, both my son’s changed, one moved back home, and the other moved far away.  

  But to look at myself and see what Change has done to me, its like a big book, without reading all the pages. I have changed so much about where I live, what I wear, how I look , what I want, and what I don’t want. I am sure you all can agree that without noticing it change is part of our everyday lives.

   I don’t like change, as in moving, or relationships. I know many who live for change. I am the type of person that a large change can put me into a whirl wind spin. It seems to really take me a long time to adapt to a change that will effect my life.

   I know while I was working, oh I had so much fun, it was me, it made who I was. I had my children, but chose to work, I always said ” I was not meant to be a stay at home“, because work was my identity away from being a mother, wife, or girlfriend. It allowed me the time I wanted and needed to have the time to be a manager of the company, and then it all Changed.

    I went to work one day and my foot was so swollen, yet I thought I had maybe been stung by something that weekend as I had gone camping. The swelling continued to get worse, and the pain, oh the pain was so bad.  

    I saw my doctor and we started running tests, then found out in the end that I was sicker then just a swollen foot. I had so many diagnosis’s that was given from the doctors and the specialists I had to see. It was  time consuming, scary and I still was trying to work as much as possible. Eventually my doctor was to write a letter allowing me to go back to work, and he wouldn’t. nor would the surgeon who did my surgery on my spine, or the specialists I had to see. They all said ” You can no longer work“, you have a lot of problems going on, and they did not foresee me ever working again. Not work ?  What are they crazy? What do you mean not work?  

    I thought I could process this but I couldn’t . I thought that it would get better and the doctors were wrong that I would be back at work. No. They were all right. I never returned back to work. And that was the beginning to the end of a home, marriage, relationships with others, and most important, what I felt of myself. I hated this, I still hate this, and its been 5 yrs.  

     The Dr. put me on anti-depressants, and said I would eventually become use to what it would be like to stay at home and let myself become use to not working. Let me let you know.. It never happened. I still can’t get over the fact that I am at home, stuck at home, and in so much  pain.  

     Yes that one main word ’ Change ’ ruined so much in my life that I still have not been able to get over it. I didn’t ask for this, I never once thought that my swollen foot and the pain would end up being so much more.

   Would you like me to share with you what is wrong? I have Fibromyalgia, Lupus, Arthritis, Osteo-Arthritis, Osteoporosis, and now possibly M.S. in which I am starting all the testing again this month.

      I am only 42yrs old. I am now on many medicines and much pain. No job, living off disability pay, and believe me that pay is very little, and less then half of what my salary was. I only get one check a month now. And trying to pay all the bills off of only $ 864.00 a month. Wow.. Now that was a big Change.

   As well as when my ex husband left me, because he said, ” I could and never would be a whole woman to him being disabled “. So in turn he put me and my children out. We ended up homeless because it took over 3 yrs. to get approved for disability.  

   Change, a simple word yet with so much more meaning then anyone could ever think of.

 ** *Crazy Life of Parenting ***
Ok so we all know that being a parent is one of the hardest things in our lives. From the time of birth, to their adult age. My kids are ages 24, 25, yr. old men, and one 17yr. old daughter. Whom is already a mother herself to a 1 yr old. And they all live with me, except the 25yr old son. He lives in Nevada, and made a choice on day to never speak to me again, because I had asked him if he tried a drug. Knowing he didn't do drugs, but he did call up my phone and was crying ( he does not cry ) begging me to " Please pick up, please I need you more then ever". That morning when I woke to the msgs. I called his phone over and over until someone answered. He finally did and said he never called. Never cried, and did not remember the calls at all. I did play back the call for him to hear, and when he said,
” Mom, I have no idea. I don’t remember calling you, and nothing is wrong“, in return I asked ” Did you drink alcohol last night,” he said ” No,“. so as I would ask anyone in this situation, I said ” By any chance did you try drugs“. OMG.. he threw a fit. He threw the biggest fit that he said I would never see or talk to him again. And its been 4 yrs. and he has held his words true. Very sad, as I miss him so much.  

   November 2008, on a Saturday night, my daughter called me at only 15, just getting ready to turn 16, and said ” Mom, I know you are going to hate me, and I don’t know how to tell you this, but I think I am pregnant“. I said immediately ” Be ready to leave your friends house I am on my way “. We went to the store, and bought pregnancy tests -yes tests. So at 1:00 a.m. I was in the bathroom with my little girl, my baby, while she took the test. I saw the negative show up so quickly, I literally slid down the wall, and said ” Now you were scared enough, as I and you will no longer be with any males after dark.”
My daughter looked back at the stick sitting on the bathroom counter, and said ” Mom, what does 2 lines mean? I said ” Please tell me your joking, as I was still sitting on the bathroom floor feeling relieved it was negative. Guess what, I got up looked at it and yes. She is pregnant. My baby . My youngest. My daughter who was on the Depo Provera shot due to her menstrual issues. What was I going to do. What was she going to do?

   On July 29,2009 my granddaughter, Kandice Marie Ann was born. And it all finally hit me that my baby was a mother, I never slept for 2-3 wks. after the baby came home. I just couldn’t get it out of my head that there was a baby in my house, and my daughter, my innocent daughter was pregnant, and delivered a baby. I guess I lived in denial when she was pregnant, because OH BOY, was I mad when we brought home my beautiful grand baby. Well Kandice is now 1yrs old. My daughter decided she was ready to move out, and the next day after she came over to see me, to let me know her boyfriend was hurting her. WOW... if it hadn’t been for her fearing him, I would of gone after him myself.  

  When my daughter found out she was pregnant, two wks later my 24yr.old son, said ” Mom, Ashlee is pregnant, and we are going to get married“. I thought what in the hell was going on. Did I just never thought they would be parents one day.?!  I sure did. Well for my son the pregnancy about killed him. Ashlee left him when she found out, she dated others all the time, and I even had pictures when she was in bars, while pregnant. But she would not allow my son around her, each O.B. appointment my son was allowed to meet her there to pay for the visit and then asked to leave. Really you begged to have a baby, however we all thought it was their future plans, but for her, she received what she wanted and left right after. She got her baby. None of us are allowed to see her, and the oddest is that Kandice was born on Wed. 7-29-2009 . And my other grand daughter was born a wk. to the day apart on Wed. 8-5-2009. Yet we could not see her. Her mother is so hateful. I hope it stops. As Kaylee just turned 1 as well and we were not allowed there.  

   Being a parent, in this day and age is absolutely nuts. I am always wondering each day.. what else.. when, and or who or how.  

   I will be giving you more updates to this crazy life of my parenting, and would love to hear what your thoughts are.